Pornography and its evil in the home... (long)

tbaronAugust 24, 2006

Hello everyone,

First of all I want to tell you a bit of history on myself and my husband so that you may better understand this situation.

I am 19 years old and have been raised in a wonderful church. My dad never went, but my mom and brother were active members. Our church is a church that seriously teaches of the evils of immorality, achohol, sex before marriage, pornography, sex and violence in movies, all that horrible stuff.

I have never had sex before marriage, never smoked or tried any kind of drugs, have never tried beer or any other kind of alcohol, never looked at pornography, and when my friends want to see a movie, I stay home with my family when they choose an R rated movie.

This is what my wonderful church has taught me and I could not be more proud of it.

My husband is 18 years old. He was raised to be a good, honest man, but certainly did not have the same teaching I did. Every parent will tell a child, don't do drugs or drink, don't have sex, and pornagraphy is bad. His parents told these things to him, but didn't totally explain why these things are so evil and horrible.

So as a result, before I met my husband (he has told me these things, being an honest man), he watched and looked at pornography rather often. He never had sex, thank goodness. I met him and gave him my heart before he became interested in having sex as well as looking at pornography.

When our relationship became more serious, he did, too. Pornography is a habit and is hard to break. But I do believe him when he tells me he fell in love with me and stopped looking and watching pornography.

It hurt to know he was into this kind of stuff, but it was before he met me and he didn't have the same values I did.

A few months before we were married, he was baptized into my church. He was taught, he learned, and he cherished the values I always held. He realized pornography and related materials are horrible and cherished this knowledge.

Here's where my story begins and where I need help.

We have been married just over two months. Last night, I went to bed before he did. He just wasn't sleepy yet. He was playing a video game. (of course he plays video games, he's 19 and still has a bit of child in him. i love games, too) I fell soundly asleep, not worried by the least.

At around 2 in the morning, I awoke with a start and realized he still hadn't come to bed. My bedroom door was shut, so I quietly opened it, thinking he might have slept on the couch so he wouldn't wake me.

Our computer is set to where he couldn't see me come around the corner.

Much to my horror and disbelief, he had downloaded a porn video and was watching it. He still didn't know I was there. I watched for a few seconds to make sure he wasn't just watching a music video that was rude, but sure enough, it was a porn video.

I said his name. He was stunned. I asked him if that was what I thought it was. He was silent then said honestly, yes... and closed the video.

I simply turned around and walked into the bedroom, shut the door, and sank into my pillow.

He immediately followed me and layed down beside me. But this time I couldn't hold my emotions anymore.

I wailed and cried, gasped for air, shook with sorrow, and wailed some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing in my ears was my own voice.

My husband was trying to comfort me, telling me he was so sorry. Soon he was crying, too.

I type this easily now, but words on a computer cannot even begin to tell how hurt I felt. I just couldn't believe that my own husband had gotten himself into porn again.

I felt betrayed.

My body continued to cry, but my mind was blank.

Eventually, I calmed down enough to look him in his eyes. I asked him sofly, "How could you?"

He couldn't answer me. He just let himself cry and tell me he was so sorry.

I wrapped my armes around his neck and we held each other for what felt like hours. I cried more, and he craddled me.

We both calmed down and I lay myself back into the blankets. He walked out of the room and back to the computer. He uninstalled the program that had downloaded the video.

Then, he sat on the couch. I wanted him to come back to bed, so I went out to try to get him.

He wouldn't go with me, saying he didn't deserve to be with me tonight. I reminded him he had to work that morning. He said he knew but it wouldn't matter, he wasn't going to get any sleep anyways. He just wanted to stay on the couch.

I hate the idea of sleeping alone, even when we were mad at each other. This was no exception. I told him that if he didn't come to bed, I was going to get a blanket and pillow and sleep on the floor beside him.

I finally got him to go back with me, but I don't think he ever got a wink of sleep.

He told me that when I cried like that, it was like someone was hurting me, stabbing me, killing me, and he was standing there watching.

My husband is truely sickened by his own transgression. I wouldn't doubt if he is more hurt than I am.

I've never seen him like that. I told him that I forgive him. We hugged and told each other we loved each other. He went to work this morning and I am still here at home, upset still, but feeling better.

Pornography is addictive. It becomes a habit that cannot be stopped easily. I know that and have always known that. Obviously, there was still a tiny bit of it still living in his soul and he gave into it.

I have honestly forgiven him. I love him and know that he didn't mean to hurt me.

But I can't stop thinking about it. Why my husband? Doesn't this kind of thing usually happen to someone else? You know how it goes: you never think it's going to happen to you.

I do believe my husband will not do this again. My soul was being ripped into millions of pieces and he saw it happen.

I have a point to this message:

Please do not EVER, EVER let yourself get into pornography. It can tear families apart in an instant. If your spouse is caught with pornography, all I can say is trust your heart to tell you what to do.

My heart told me not to hate my husband, but to love him instead. Hating him for what he did would only make things worse.

Love the person, not the sin.

Now for my questions.

Did I do the right thing? My heart tells me he'll never do it again. I know he loves me and I love him, but it still hurts.

Do you have any similar stories?

Do you have any ideas on how to help prevent further tempting? I would get rid of the computer, woudn't bother me a bit, but we have to have it for school. I thought there were pornography blocks on it, but I guess not.

With love and an aching heart,


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Hmmm... I don't think anyone here will have the authority to tell you if what you did was wrong or right. It also depends on how often he watches porn to be classified as addiction. To me personally, I never understand why most women view pornography as evil. I enjoy watching porn when I'm in the mood either by myself or together with my husband. When your husband would like some action and you don't feel like it for whatever reason, then what? Would you let him masturbate to find his release? Or is it also evil? If one reads a romance novel with hot scenes in it, does that also mean one has committed an evil sin? I think there are far more evil things he could have done that will ruin your marriage than watching porn. Porn is just a thing, and anything can only be as bad as you want it to be. An innocent baseball bat that a child uses for his game can be an evil tool in the hands of a murderer.

My husband told me that sex is the best tool for him to go to sleep, because it relaxes him afterwards (I find this to be true for myself too). Men also think more often about sex when they're stressed over something (work, school, social relationship, personal life struggle, can't sleep, etc). So perhaps your husband was trying to find his release to get some sleep through porn because he didn't want to disturb you. Maybe you should say "honey, next time you want some action, come to me and we'll have some action together".

People watch porn because of sex, no other reason, and any marriage needs a healthy sex life to flourish. Unfortunately men think about sex more often than women (he's only 18 years old!! his sexual hormone is in its peak so of course he'll think about sex more often than you), so since porn is not an option, you need to work out a mutually agreeable solution that will not create resentment on both sides.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2006 at 12:57PM
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I think most men will view pornography from time to time if given the opportunity. If people tell you their husband's don't or haven't, they are probably in the dark.

With that said, I know it has especially hurt you because of your religious convictions against it. But, it is not the end of the world. I do not see anything in your post that suggests an addiction. Is he doing this everyday? Is it affecting your sex life? Viewing porn occasionally (although it may be morally wrong) is generally considered normal male behavior, not an addition. If it's an addiction that's another type of problem.

I know a guy who is very religous, always quoting from the bible, etc. His in-laws were out of town and he got caught watching porn in their house by the grandma. How embarrassing is that! haha. Just goes to show you, that no matter how religious someone may be, it may not stop them.

Your husband is still very young, and a teenager at that. I'd cut him a break, and hopefully he'll be smart enough to not try to view porn when you could catch him. Don't take it personally; it's nothing against you. As you grow older you'll understand that. Right or wrong, it's just something most men occasionally do.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2006 at 12:59PM
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Thanks for your opinions, I appreciate it. The only reason I didn't take this lightly is because of my religious beliefes. And one might think that my husband was pushed into believing the same way because he joined later in life. No one made him believe it. No one made him give up any habits he may have had. No one made him do anything, it was his choice. His choice happened to include believing pornography is bad.

I realize and have known for a long time that many married couples watch videos together to enhance their sex lives. The thing is, I don't. Simple as that. Everyone in the world has an opinion on this kind of stuff, and I am no different.

I don't believe porn is a good thing. I think its horrible and that is just my opinion.

Also, I forgot to tell you how often he does this. I agree with you when you say you don't think it's actually addictive to him or a habit. It's not.

According to him, that was the first time he ever watched a video or looked at pictures since he gave it up long ago.

He is not addicted to it. Yet. It can get there, but it's not yet.

My reaction to this is probably raising some eyebrows to some of you. I'm sorry if you think I am overreacting. Maybe I am. I just think this was a horrible, hurtful thing to do. Not towards me, of course, but in general.

By the way, you mentioned something about sometimes going to sex to be able to sleep, lesson stress, etc. I smile when I say we're newly weds. He ought to be satisfied. =)

    Bookmark   August 24, 2006 at 1:51PM
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I can't agree with you that pornography is evil (and being an atheist, I can't even see where you're coming from in that regard, sorry), BUT...every marriage has its "this is not allowed" sticking points. They vary from marriage to marriage -- the question is, are those sticking points reasonable. I would say, given your religious background, and the fact that your husband joined your church, that your request is reasonable within your family.

You've made it very clear to your husband that you do not want him to watch porn because it hurts you, and thereby hurts the marriage. He knows your feelings on it now, since you've been very clear with him, and if he cares for you, then he'll try not to do it again.


1) It's not the end of the world if he slips; no one is perfect, and making your partner happy is often a continuing struggle. If he continually slips, then you should be worried, but for now, just let it go. I promise you, you'll be hurt many more times during your marriage -- holding onto those hurts is a fast track to unhappiness.

2) Do keep in mind that someone his age does have certain sexual drives and needs. I would very explicitly tell him that if he feels the urge to look at porn again, to come to you, and you'll "take care of it" -- assuming of course, that you ARE willing to take care of it -- it would be extremely unfair to him, IMO, to say "You can't look at porn and masturbate, but I'm not going to help you with your sexual needs either." It's a give and take on both sides -- if he gives by not watching porn, you have to give as well, and make sure that he's sexually satisfied.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2006 at 4:58PM
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Don't know what to think about OP's situation without knowing exactly what kind of "porn" she's talking about. Some people think Victoria's Secret catalogues are porn. Some people regard many mainstream movies as porn. Actually, the bible itself is full of what would be called "porn" if presented in other published forms. The topic is as diverse as it is vast.

Can you tell us what DH was viewing that was so disturbing? Are we talking Debbie Does Dallas or Chained Violence on the Farm?

    Bookmark   August 24, 2006 at 7:10PM
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I think a 40 yr old married man viewing porn is a lot different than a sexually active 19 year old newlywed looking at it.

I doubt that his looking at porn has anything to do with his wife not satisfying him or with him needing something to help stir him up. I think it's more of a curiosity thing (or even a rebellious type thing) with a guy in this situation. I don't really think her being more willing and able would help any.

Unless she's consistantly with-holding sexual favors, I really don't think she should have to give in or do extras just so her husband doesn't look at porn. This shouldn't be a blackmail situation that he's in control of. He's probably already getting more sex than most guys his age.

Bottom line, HE betrayed his religion and his wife. Doesn't matter if he ate pork, drank alcohol or watched porn. It went against his religion and betrayed a trust in his wife. Hopefully, he's learned his lesson, but I wouldn't doubt that it may happen again. Some rules are made to be broken.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 12:18AM
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I think you are very fortunate to have a husband that was so heartbroken by you being so distressed. He obviously has a lot of empathy, and that is a real treasure in a marriage.

I think you should try and see things from his perspective. You have your own beliefs, but a lot of people think differently from you.

In my mind pornography can be okay, sometimes. I am still happy and have a happy marriage, people survive.

Focus on the good things and treasure your husband for the wonderful person he is. Learn from this and move on.


    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 3:32AM
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Not to go off track, but is the husband 18 or 19? There's a discrepancy in what the OP's post stated. I'm extremely skeptical, because it reads remarkably like a romance novel.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 10:24AM
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Thanks everyone for your opinions.

My husband and I had a long talk last night and talked things through. Turns out he downloaded the video off of a song downloading program. That program just happens to have videos, too. The only reason it got to him was because he had searched for a song and you know how search results can bring you anything under the sun? Well, the title appearently was also the title of a porn video. It caught his attention. I was already asleep in bed, so it tempted him and he gave into it. He didn't actually search for a video, it just happened.

It really helps when things are seriously discussed and talked over. I have forgiven him and couldn't love him more. In fact, sometimes I think fights and hurt feelings are a blessing in a marriage because once things are resolved, you always feel so much better about that same person you once felt hurt and betrayed by. Love grows stronger each day.

Just to answer a question posted by mrsmarv, my husband is 18, and I am 19. I'm almost flattered that you say my original post reads like a romance. Believe it or not I enjoy freelance writing and sometimes let my mind go at it when I am simply trying writing normally. Please forgive me. =)

Once again, thank you all for your advice and opinions. I must say though that those of you who don't agree with my hurt feelings because of porn, sorry. This is my opinion on the matter or pornography and has been all of my life, you have your own opinion. But thanks anyways. :)

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 6:02PM
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I agree with you mrsmarv, it does sound like a romance novel, and now, thankfully it has a happy ending.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 6:56PM
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Vickey__MN with a video off a song....I'm not sure. SOunds like a story from him. I'd keep my eye on that. AND if he noticed he didn't like the video, there is the good old X button to stop it.

I'm not saying the porn was bad, or he is addicted, BUT I'm saying that I thinking he may be making up a story. AND YES there are descrepancies in YOUR story (you do say he is 18 in one place and 19 in another - when talking about him playing video games) Don't hold it against him, trust him..but also watch to make sure it is the truth and doesn't happen again.


    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 7:26PM
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I might be new here but some of you are a bit hard on her.
She has the right to her believes just as much as anyone.and I agree with her,he took a wife,why look elsewhere.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 11:23PM
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Due respect....however, it was she who titled her OP "evil" in the home. That's pretty strong, I think. Followed it up with some rather global condemnations in her text. IMHO no comparable harshness appeared in any reply. Seems to me everyone's playing fair.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2006 at 11:43PM
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If she feels it is 'evil' in her home, she should be allowed to say so!
She's not saying everyone has to have her opinion....

    Bookmark   August 26, 2006 at 5:31PM
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Nobody has said otherwise.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2006 at 7:40PM
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Never posted on this forum and I haven't eread all the responses so I may mimic someone but anyway.

I'm going to be blunt and to the point about this......big deal..he watched a little porn. I bet there is not a man alive that hasn't at some point. men like sex, having sex, watching sex whatever, they just like it. The fact that he viewed a porn tape is not a betrayal of your love, don't take it personally. The flesh won this battle and it will win again at some point after all we are all sinners and always will be. Don't beat him down over this cause you will quietly push him away. Follow the teachings of your master and forgive him and move on...remember forgiving means you don't bring it up next week. He is just now learning the things you have been taught all your life, it will be a long time before he matures in his faith. Don't preach to him, don't try to teach him, you will difinately push him away like that, just pray about it and move on.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2006 at 9:20PM
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why dont you guys, watch the porn togeather, light up a joint, kick back with a bottle of wine, close the door, plug in the porn, and see where it takes ya. you guys are only 18 and 19, man when i was that age the sex was great!

    Bookmark   September 2, 2006 at 1:34AM
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bill_h, this thread needed a laugh....very good.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2006 at 6:43PM
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Tara...I completely agree with you about the evils of pronography and the addictive nature of it. My husband was a committed pornography lover when we first began our relationship 4 years ago. I made my values very clear to him and told him with no uncertainty would he be coming into my home once we were engaged and living to gether and look at that stuff. He promised me that he was over it and would never look at it again. He gave away all of the videos he owned, he deleted all that he had on his computer. But after three years into our marriage it was a continual battle that we waged. It has cost us our marriage! I don't want to seem like the bearer of bad news, but it is definately something that your hubby needs to get counseling on. He needs an honest and forward accountability partner, who he will feel comfortable enough to admit his regressions to. I really feel for you, because I know exactly what you are going through. Pornography is evil...point puts unrealistic ideals and visions in a mans head. Sorry, but MOST women do not like to have sex the way it is portrayed in porn!

    Bookmark   September 3, 2006 at 9:44AM
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Don't quite see the analogy. OP didn't marry a "committed pornography lover" like you did. (What were you thinking?)

Also, OP still hasn't described the characteristics of what she has here identified as "porn" so we still don't really know what she's talking about other than her reaction to it. Same for your own description. Difficult to venture a meaningful opinion without knowing what's being discussed.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2006 at 12:50PM
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Nurse_Christine: How do you know most women don't like to have sex the way it's shown in porn? I bet there is a lot different ways that women like to have sex.

    Bookmark   September 4, 2006 at 12:25PM
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"Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors."

    Bookmark   September 4, 2006 at 1:00PM
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men like porn, i dont mean the hard core strange stuff. men are visual, the 1st time i met my wife, it wasnt her mind i noticed, it was the killer bod!

    Bookmark   September 6, 2006 at 5:01AM
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Perhaps your dramatic response will nip this in the bud. For your sake, I hope so. But it could go the other way, in that he becomes more sneaky, knowing how strongly you feel about it. I imagine time will tell whether this is something he was just curious about, or whether he is drawn to porn and it will become a problem in your marriage. I have heard many women ask for advice because their husbands disengage from their wife, and children, spending hours on a computer viewing porn, on a regular basis. I have heard some psychologists like Dr. Joy (or joyce) Brown, and I think Gray also try and reassure these wives that they should leave him alone about it, because he is with them. And I wonder how a psychologist can lack understanding, or fail to grasp such fundamental basics about porn. And that is that the mind is a powerful tool in arousal. He may be physically intimate with his wife, but in his mind he is not with his wife at all. In order to get turned on at all, he may very well need to imagine that he is actually with someone in the porn video. Or he may psycially be in bed with his wife, but he uses his mind to transport himself to a situation in one of the videos that turned him on. He is using the physical body of the person in his house (his wife) because she is simply "there", but it is the images he draws on in his mind of someone else entirely, that excite him and turn him on.
So it is not particularly a compliment that he is with his wife. He may be there for a variety of reasons, and none of them may have anything to do with loving her or cherishing her, or being turned on by her. I am referring to this in other marriages, NOT yours. You are obviously a young couple in love. And that is so sweet, and special. But I want to point out that with porn, these psychologists fail to understand or acknowledge the addictive qualities that porn has on many people, and just how powerful it can be, and how destructive it can be in a marriage where one partner becomes obsessed with the computer and these sites.

You are a very young couple, early in your marriage, and just beginning your life. By choosing you, a young woman of strong faith, he needs to choose whether he wants to honor the beliefs that you both now share, and decide which side of the fence he choses to live his life on, because that is something that is important to who you are, your faith, and what kind of person you want to build your life with. I agree with the other poster who seriously doubted his story about the song video. I think you honestly need to understand whether it has a hold on him. Yes he is young, but many youth have had unrestricted access to their home computers, and spent alot of time after school peeking at various porn sites, while parents work. So IMO, it would be wise to be able to honestly talk with him, without all of the drama. Calmly and wisely, you need to understand whether it is simply curiousity, or whether this is a problem for him, that will be a problem throughout your marriage.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2006 at 10:44AM
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If the OP had substituted "had sex with another woman" instead of "looking at porn" I think some of the responses would be very different. THe point is that this was a boundary that was set in their marriage. Much like most couples forbid having sex with another outside of the marriage, the OP doesn't believe in looking at porn. And her husband agreed to this boundary. To her this betrayal feels much like one would feel if they caught their husband in bed with another woman. She trusted that he shared her beliefs because this is what he told her. He wasn't honest with her or he messed up. I believe that this will probably happen again and that her husband probably looked at porn a few times before the time she caught him. You can say all men look at porn and its harmless but if it was a boundary in a relationship and it was crossed then it makes it WRONG. If the OP wants to make sure her husband is being honest with her she could install a keylogger on her computer to track his actions while online. I dont' think her husband is addicted to porn, more like he is just curious. He does need to understand that to regain his wife's trust and respect that he needs to not look at any porn in the future.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2006 at 10:39AM
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"....she could install a keylogger on her computer to track his actions...."

.....and maybe a install security cameras, too. How about a leash?

I read nothing from the OP that elevates the transgression to a level that deserves the panic/disappointment she seems to be feeling. From her description, I think this is pretty small potatoes in the greater scheme.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2006 at 10:50AM
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First of all, let me tell you that I am a member of the same church you are (your description is perfect). So I understand where you are coming from. Secondly, I want to reassure you that you are not "off the mark" in your concern.

Because of our belief system, we know we are in the world but should not be of the world. Therefore, the concern you express will be misunderstood by many who do not have the knowledge that you have and I have which can only be explained by having a testimony of truth. Please stay the course and do not allow yourself to be influenced by those who would question your terming of pornography as "evil." It is, by virtue of the fact that it feeds carnal desires, and we know that carnal desires need to be overcome or they can will overcome our spiritual natures. "The Miracle of Forgiveness" is an excellent book that outlines why this is so, it is written by Spencer W. Kimball. I recommend you purchase and always keep a copy in your home. It will also come in handy when you have your own children as you strive to explain life to them.

I believe that you have a very wonderful husband, given that he was so concerned about what his action did to you. There is a reason it is touted as something that breaks families apart. Ultimately, your marital relationship should not need to rely on porn to enhance or glorify what you two have together. That will only come as the two of you work toward the same goal (and we know what that is) and obey the commandments. Pornography is contradictory to all that is good and light, and the author of darkness delights in confusing people so that they believe that bad is good and good is bad.

Pornography has become such an influence, even in our church society, that the Brethren have spent much time and subject matter addressing it. You might even go online to the church website and check out old articles and such using the keyword "pornography" - and maybe even review some of them with your husband. I think it behooves you to be watchful lest your husband be tempted again. I don't think you should become obsessed with checking up on him, however, since that is also contradictory to a trusting relationship. But given the fact that porn is so easily accessible, our mortal cracks can easily be widened.

Don't be swayed by opinions of those who are of the world: stay strong and you will be blessed. I realize that my post will ultimately bring many responses labeling me a prude, but the fact is, Tara, you recognize truth. Good luck to you!

    Bookmark   September 9, 2006 at 3:42PM
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Very happy to know the "truth" of the spite of the fact that none of us yet know what the OP was actually talking about.

Inasmuch as you've got the "truth" already, doesn't seem like anyone here could bring much to the table that would be worthy of your consideration anyway.

    Bookmark   September 9, 2006 at 6:45PM
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First of all, I'm having trouble believing this is even a real situation.

Having said that, Holly--hate to break the news to you, but you ARE part of this world.

tbaron--if this is even true--if you knew when you married this person, he was into this, then you need to get over it. People don't change because you want them to. If he likes to do this, right or wrong in your eyes, then he is going to do it and all you are doing is putting him in a position to lie and sneak around behind your back to do it. I knew things about my husband that I didn't particularly care for before we got married, but I accepted the good with the bad because I wasn't going to put him in a position to lie to me. I'm sure there were things about me he didn't care for either, but the good outweighed the bad and you accept people for who they are and if you can't--then you move along. You are being controlling and that will get you no where.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2006 at 8:58AM
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Alright everyone, I thought I had stated this once already. Maybe I thought I did but I didn't. Understand this:

I hate pornography and I believe it is bad. You have your own opinions and nothing you will say will change my what I believe to be true.

Listen to this, please. It has been a few weeks since this has happened and the problem has been resolved. My husband and I sat down and had a lengthy talk about what happened. He admitted to being 100% wrong, he made a mistake. I forgave him for it because I love him dearly and I know that he didn't do it to hurt me. He made a mistake. I trust him to never do it again. I realize that it very well may happen and I myself will make mistakes in my life. We are people, we make bad choices. But my husband and I have come to terms and we are happier than ever.

Holly: You are wonderful! I am so glad to see that I am not the only one here. Let everyone think what they want, you're exactly right. I just wanted to thank you for standing up for not only me, but what we believe in. I will look into that book. =) Thank you.

And to everyone else, thanks for your help. This issue is over, please don't tell me to go watch porn myself anymore. It isn't going to happen. It is a thing the world loves. I don't.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2006 at 5:22PM
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But given the fact that porn is so easily accessible, our mortal cracks can easily be widened.


    Bookmark   September 10, 2006 at 11:12PM
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msjay...are you kidding??? You have it backwards. you stated that because he looked at porn before they became involved in a relationship, she needed to get over it. In truth, her husband knew what kind of young woman he was marrying; her faith, her values, and what she stood for. And he chose to be baptized, and to join her, and share these beliefs, and build his life on that foundation. So no, she should not "get over it". It is a betrayal to everything she believes and stands for, and based this marriage on. He needs to honor what his marriage was built on, and the promises he made to her, as to what kind of man she was marrying, and honor her and this marriage HE built on beliefs he chose to share.

In your comment to Holly that you need to break it to her that she is in the lack the understanding of religion and their beliefs. I do not know what religion they are, but let me use menonite as an example just to explain. Can you see and understand that menonite people are in the world, but not "of" the world? Meaning that they do not follow the same belief system as the world? That although they live in the world, that they also live apart from the world and what it participates in? That they chose to live differently than the world at large. Do you understand the difference? Other religions also practice the belief that their values and what they stand for should be different than the values of unbelievers. otherwise...what would be the point? Does that make sense? You are using your standards, beliefs and values and trying to make them fit a marriage that was built on something else entirely. A marriage that was built on what is good, and righteous and honors their creator.

also msjay...I imagine that most marriages attempt to control their other half in one way or another. Perhaps it is in what $$$ can be spent on what, or that one partner is expected to participate in family stuff that they don't want to, or to tolerate/spend time with family members that don't want to really see, or expecting someone to work, when they really hate that job, or want to be home with their children. Perhaps it is trying to control whether he can hang out with his friends, or have lunch with an old friend (who happens to be a female), because one finds her threatening. Perhaps it is trying to get him to "keep up with the Joneses" when he really doesn't mind living in a small house with cars up on blocks in the yard. Anyway...I am sure you see the point. There can be control in marriages in many different ways.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2006 at 10:31AM
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bnice--You are NOT going to stop someone from doing what they want to do. You need to reread what I wrote. You belong in the group that thinks you can change someone after you marry them and you can not. That is what divorces are based on many times. "I thought he/she would change after we got married." BS. I've had friends say that and I had to laugh at them. One thought he would quit leaving his dirty clothes in the floor and take out the trash. Please!! They divorced after 2 years.

I don't care what he did and promised. He evidently did it to make her happy and it wasn't what he wanted and then he gave her some lame excuse about it downloading along with a music video. He is going to do what he wants to do and LIE about it. If she wants to live that way, I don't care. But I don't believe in putting people in a postion it lie by forcing them into what I want them to be. She should have accepted it from the beginning that he does this and if she couldn't tolerate it, then don't marry him.

Most people that are married may try and control each other, but that, in my opinion, isn't a healthy marriage. It should be between 2 adults that have an adult mentality and when they are not mature enough to be willing to act in accordance with values that are for the good of the marriage, then that marriage is a joke and is probably doomed and will dissolve at some point, unless one of them allows the other to control them. As far as spending money, there are a lot of people who go behind the other's back and spend it. In a healthy marriage, they are honest with each other and each other knows the financial situation they are in, and they DISCUSS those things. They don't CONTROL it.

Holly is IN THIS WORLD. We all live they way we want to live. H*ll I don't live like many people live, but I'm still in this world.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2006 at 11:47AM
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"...the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

bnicebkind's advice to nurse christine on another thread.

"This issue is over..."

OP's own opinion about this thread

    Bookmark   September 11, 2006 at 12:47PM
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Tara, You have a strong faith, and understanding of what values you want your marriage, and future family built on. I think that your husband needs to think about what kind of man he wants to be, and whether in his heart...he "really" shares your values, and whether HE "wants" to live by those values. Otherwise, it puts you into a role of parent/police, and himself into the role of someone sneaking, doing what he really wants/desires...hoping he won't get caught.

You do not want to find yourself with children...fully committed...only to find that he never really gave it up...only got better at not getting caught.

This is an issue of the heart. Where is his heart "really" at? Is he telling you what you want to hear, because he hates it when you fight/ his quest for peace? That is what you need to know "NOW". Before children. Because these things can have a way of getting much worse with time, when your love for one another is being tested by "life" and the stresses life brings.

You mentioned that he used to watch and look at porn rather often. This sounds as though it may be more than simple curiousity. How often? Starting at what age? How does he think it affected his development and sexuality, and his view of sex, and women?

Someone I know whose religious views were similar to your own also married a man with this problem. She thought by loving him enough, she could change him, and fill that need within him. Three kids later, she frequently catches him peeking through the curtains at the young woman next door.

I do not want to discourage you. You are a young couple in love and just beginning your life together. There is something so precious about that time in life. And it sounds as though he really wants to be that man he promised you he could be. Just be aware that this may be a harder battle for him than he thought. And that he needs to be honest with you about where his heart is, and not just tell you what you want to hear. Because if he really plans to continue viewing porn, but just to get better at not getting caught...than he really is going to find down the road that a lack of honesty upfront...may destroy a family you build down the road...and if that is really the kind of life he wants, maybe it is better to know that now.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2006 at 1:07PM
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"I realize that my post will ultimately bring many responses labeling me a prude..."

Madame, you are not a "prude". You are an imbecile.

I wish you every happiness on whatever planet you may reside.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2006 at 10:07PM
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Was that comment REALLY needed?

Heck, I find it refreshing to see people not kowtowing to what they believe are societal ills even if I don't agree with them. Now name calling, not really all that refreshing in my book. Come to think of it, not usually all that intelligent either.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 12:43AM
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Carla35...I fully agree. In fact, I will go a step further asolo and say that you are displaying an alarming amount of narrow mindedness in that you cannot understand and appreciate that others may have a different opinion and views than you! And if they do not believe what you believe, than you stoop to name if your view is somehow right or superior to her views! I imagine that you consider yourself open minded, when your mind is so tightly closed and narrow, that you are unable to consider the views, ideas, or thoughts that differ from your own, and simply respect that they do not share the same opinions, and that is OK. Thank goodness that we do not all think alike! What fun would that be? Converstaions would be so boring, and we would not learn anything at all!

And I will not even address your lack of understanding of her strong faith, religion, and all that that entails.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 10:24AM
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Asolo--thanks for the quote from the other thread that bnicebkind left. I've noticed many of her/his? post before that are wishy washy. Here's another example with her post on this thread. Seems to me she flip flopped in her response to my post and her response to the OP's.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 12:02PM
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EVERYBODY JUST DROP IT!!!! Now that's enough! This is not what I asked for when I posted the original post! Sheesh! Yes, I asked for advice and that is exactly what I got, whether I agree with the opinions or not! Now I certainly did not ask for you all to start a fight and start calling each other names. That is very immature and uncalled for. Knock it off already!

I appreciate everyone's views, whether I agree or disagree. You gave me what I asked for. Now my situation is resolved and it is time to let this topic die and be pushed off the front page!

Enough is enough. Just let this go. I love my husband and I trust him to not do this again. Simple as that. I might get my heart broken but I might not! No one can say one way or the other.

I will say this again. It has been several weeks since this has happened and nothing but good has become of it. It was a blessing, really. My husband is wonderful. He made a mistake but he fixed it. All I can do is have hope, faith, and trust in him that it won't happen again.

Thank you to everyone who posted. I appreciated everyone's views.


    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 1:15PM
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"Holly--hate to break the news to you, but you ARE part of this world..." msjay

"In your comment to Holly that you need to break it to her that she is in the lack the understanding of religion and their beliefs. I do not know what religion they are, but let me use menonite as an example just to explain. Can you see and understand that menonite people are in the world, but not "of" the world?" bnicebkind

Thank you for your argument in my defense, as well as Tara's, bnice. :)

Msjay, I have to laugh. Your response to my statement that you have to break the news to me that I AM part of this world just smacks of intolerance and judgment. You obviously misread my original statement wherein I wrote to Tara "we know we are in the world but should not be of the world." What part of that sentence did you misunderstand? The first seven words state that we DO know and are perfectly aware of the fact that, as you say, we are part of this world. But as bnice so eloquently stated, we choose a road that is different than that which most who live in this world take. We strive to live in accordance with the laws and commandments that our Creator has set for us, while much of the world accepts and chooses to live with worldly ways that have become acceptable to many, if not most. Pornography, fornication, adultery, unchastity, dishonesty, selfishness - are glaringly opposite what we believe is right, but they are only a few of the "ways of the world" we try to overcome. Yes, I will go so far as to state outright that these ills are fostered by Satan.

Reread my original line and you will see that I did not say we are perfect, or consider ourselves better. I said only that while "we know that we are IN this world, we SHOULD not be OF this world (ie, that we SHOULD strive constantly for higher truths that will bring us closer to God, not take us further away from him, which is the mission of Satan, or the devil, whatever others would call him).

It is an unfortunate truth that the above mentioned ills are destructive in ANY relationship, marital or otherwise. Because we are evolving beings, though, it IS possible to change. Just because Tara's husband made mistakes - whether intentionally logging into porn sites or not, or lying about it or not - does not mean that his desire to change cannot be stronger than the desire that he had at the time he chose to do something that both he and Tara had agreed, in their belief system and relationship, was wrong. That is the glory of repentance and forgiveness, IN this world. We have the opportunity to wipe our slate clean and begin anew. I am hoping that Tara and her new husband will always be able to discuss their problems, mistakes, and strengths, and be able to become closer in their relationship. Marriage is difficult, at best, and being able to work through problems strengthens marriage.

Msjay and asolo: Usually, when a person attacks another, they do so because they are not secure in their OWN life and beliefs and the rush they feel when they do so comes because it helps them feel better about themselves. It sounds as though you are angry individuals who feel threatened by others' beliefs which differ from yours. I hope that the day may come when you feel secure enough in your own belief that you do not need to try to tear another down because they differ from you. Don't you think that this might be one of the main causes of the troubles in today's world?

I wish you both happiness in your lives, and do not judge our differences.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2006 at 11:07PM
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Thank you. I understand myself so much better, now.

And your assumed-clairvoyant drivel was oh-so very non-judgemental, too.

Of course I judge your differences -- as you do mine. May your deity free you, at least, from the cliches that seem, at present, to bound your rationality.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2006 at 11:53PM
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asolo: I don't judge you, I believe we all have the right to believe whatever we may. Nor am I offended by your bitter retorts. Whether you believe in my deity or any other deity, or none at all - that is your right, and I would fight to the death to preserve that right. But I would not and will not put you down for what you choose to believe. I can only hope that you would find some peace in your life so that you do not feel the need to attack another. :)

    Bookmark   September 19, 2006 at 4:20PM
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Perhaps what you call "judgement", I am thinking of as "assumption." Those things you have assumed (judged to be the case) about my beliefs, security, anger, feeling threatened, and the rest, I described as "drivel" because they are not only quite mistaken but essentially impossible for you to claim knowledge of except by "assumption" or "judging" -- that thing which you've denied doing.

I am very much at peace in my life so your "hope" for me has been fulfilled.

Inasmuch as it is doubtless apparent to any reading that we are unlikely to agree about any of this and since we've hijacked the original thread I suggest we depart in peace and let it die. That's what I will do.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2006 at 7:15PM
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--" Usually, when a person attacks another, they do so because they are not secure in their OWN life and beliefs and the rush they feel when they do so comes because it helps them feel better about themselves. It sounds as though you are angry individuals who feel threatened by others' beliefs which differ from yours."--

Usually when a person points out to someone that they must be insecure, it really means they are insecure. I also think you are a wee bit too defensive and therefore it tells me you are not comfortable about yourself. I think you are trying to convince yourself that you are right and everyone else is wrong. I think you are too judgemental of others and that, in my book, doesn't go along with, and I quote--"that we SHOULD strive constantly for higher truths that will bring us closer to God, not take us further away from him, which is the mission of Satan, or the devil, whatever others would call him."

You said it, I didn't.

I merely pointed out that the OP needed to realize she wasn't going to change her husband, and yes, I pointed out that you are in the world because your post came across to me as "holier than thou".

    Bookmark   September 21, 2006 at 8:39AM
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I think the OP had every right to be upset over her husband's transgression.

But I certainly was taken aback at the extreme way she reacted. I suppose each of has her way of dealing with betrayal, but I'm not sure her DH's actions warranted such an emotional break down. But that's just my opinion.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2006 at 7:32PM
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She's 19. And it sounds as though she came from a loving home that cared for her and sheltered her.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 9:26AM
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I'm not sure of anything at this point. Is this a true story? A fabrication? Is she a Troll? Who knows?

But, assuming this young lady is telling it as it is, perhaps her husband was doing research on ways to satisfy her needs.
In another thread she mentions not enjoying sex and not being able to reach a climax. She says her husband has tried various techniques, to no avail.
So if he's tried everything he knows to try, maybe he was just looking for inspiration rather than kicks.

Instead of carrying on like it was the end of the world (and if this is the worst that happens in her marriage she should consider herself blessed) maybe she should have asked why he was looking in the first place.

Or was she carrying on because of insecurities in her own ability to participate in sexual activities in ways that please her husband?

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 1:11PM
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Monablair--I'm with you. I don't think it was a true story either. The responses from some people were just as entertaining.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 4:23PM
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I see no reason to doubt the story. I grew up in a community that was very religious. Many of those women I grew up with were taught as this OP describes she was. They thought it was wonderful, too. Many married in their late teens and early twenties. Many have remained my friends over the years. Over the decades, some of them described the sexual troubles they'd had (usually described as "lack of fulfillment") in their marriages -- sometimes second and thirds as well as first. The common statements made by each one without excepton were these: " I didn't know anything about sex. Nobody ever told me anything. It was always "dirty" and I wasn't supposed learn about it. I was told it would all come "naturally" when the time was right -- but it never did."

I know she didn't say that and I'm not saying that's her situation. All I'm saying is I don't have any difficultly believing what she wrote here and in the other thread. I have little doubt there are vast numbers of people out there -- men as well as women -- that have very real stories exactly like hers.

She never did describe what her husband was watching so I have no opinion about it. However, many therapists that deal with sexual problems utilize audio/visual aids that outside of the therputic context would certainly be described as pornographic. It's not all "evil".

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 6:25PM
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