Pornography and its evil in the home... (long)
First of all I want to tell you a bit of history on myself and my husband so that you may better understand this situation.
I am 19 years old and have been raised in a wonderful church. My dad never went, but my mom and brother were active members. Our church is a church that seriously teaches of the evils of immorality, achohol, sex before marriage, pornography, sex and violence in movies, all that horrible stuff.
I have never had sex before marriage, never smoked or tried any kind of drugs, have never tried beer or any other kind of alcohol, never looked at pornography, and when my friends want to see a movie, I stay home with my family when they choose an R rated movie.
This is what my wonderful church has taught me and I could not be more proud of it.
My husband is 18 years old. He was raised to be a good, honest man, but certainly did not have the same teaching I did. Every parent will tell a child, don't do drugs or drink, don't have sex, and pornagraphy is bad. His parents told these things to him, but didn't totally explain why these things are so evil and horrible.
So as a result, before I met my husband (he has told me these things, being an honest man), he watched and looked at pornography rather often. He never had sex, thank goodness. I met him and gave him my heart before he became interested in having sex as well as looking at pornography.
When our relationship became more serious, he did, too. Pornography is a habit and is hard to break. But I do believe him when he tells me he fell in love with me and stopped looking and watching pornography.
It hurt to know he was into this kind of stuff, but it was before he met me and he didn't have the same values I did.
A few months before we were married, he was baptized into my church. He was taught, he learned, and he cherished the values I always held. He realized pornography and related materials are horrible and cherished this knowledge.
Here's where my story begins and where I need help.
We have been married just over two months. Last night, I went to bed before he did. He just wasn't sleepy yet. He was playing a video game. (of course he plays video games, he's 19 and still has a bit of child in him. i love games, too) I fell soundly asleep, not worried by the least.
At around 2 in the morning, I awoke with a start and realized he still hadn't come to bed. My bedroom door was shut, so I quietly opened it, thinking he might have slept on the couch so he wouldn't wake me.
Our computer is set to where he couldn't see me come around the corner.
Much to my horror and disbelief, he had downloaded a porn video and was watching it. He still didn't know I was there. I watched for a few seconds to make sure he wasn't just watching a music video that was rude, but sure enough, it was a porn video.
I said his name. He was stunned. I asked him if that was what I thought it was. He was silent then said honestly, yes... and closed the video.
I simply turned around and walked into the bedroom, shut the door, and sank into my pillow.
He immediately followed me and layed down beside me. But this time I couldn't hold my emotions anymore.
I wailed and cried, gasped for air, shook with sorrow, and wailed some more. I couldn't believe what I was hearing in my ears was my own voice.
My husband was trying to comfort me, telling me he was so sorry. Soon he was crying, too.
I type this easily now, but words on a computer cannot even begin to tell how hurt I felt. I just couldn't believe that my own husband had gotten himself into porn again.
I felt betrayed.
My body continued to cry, but my mind was blank.
Eventually, I calmed down enough to look him in his eyes. I asked him sofly, "How could you?"
He couldn't answer me. He just let himself cry and tell me he was so sorry.
I wrapped my armes around his neck and we held each other for what felt like hours. I cried more, and he craddled me.
We both calmed down and I lay myself back into the blankets. He walked out of the room and back to the computer. He uninstalled the program that had downloaded the video.
Then, he sat on the couch. I wanted him to come back to bed, so I went out to try to get him.
He wouldn't go with me, saying he didn't deserve to be with me tonight. I reminded him he had to work that morning. He said he knew but it wouldn't matter, he wasn't going to get any sleep anyways. He just wanted to stay on the couch.
I hate the idea of sleeping alone, even when we were mad at each other. This was no exception. I told him that if he didn't come to bed, I was going to get a blanket and pillow and sleep on the floor beside him.
I finally got him to go back with me, but I don't think he ever got a wink of sleep.
He told me that when I cried like that, it was like someone was hurting me, stabbing me, killing me, and he was standing there watching.
My husband is truely sickened by his own transgression. I wouldn't doubt if he is more hurt than I am.
I've never seen him like that. I told him that I forgive him. We hugged and told each other we loved each other. He went to work this morning and I am still here at home, upset still, but feeling better.
Pornography is addictive. It becomes a habit that cannot be stopped easily. I know that and have always known that. Obviously, there was still a tiny bit of it still living in his soul and he gave into it.
I have honestly forgiven him. I love him and know that he didn't mean to hurt me.
But I can't stop thinking about it. Why my husband? Doesn't this kind of thing usually happen to someone else? You know how it goes: you never think it's going to happen to you.
I do believe my husband will not do this again. My soul was being ripped into millions of pieces and he saw it happen.
I have a point to this message:
Please do not EVER, EVER let yourself get into pornography. It can tear families apart in an instant. If your spouse is caught with pornography, all I can say is trust your heart to tell you what to do.
My heart told me not to hate my husband, but to love him instead. Hating him for what he did would only make things worse.
Love the person, not the sin.
Now for my questions.
Did I do the right thing? My heart tells me he'll never do it again. I know he loves me and I love him, but it still hurts.
Do you have any similar stories?
Do you have any ideas on how to help prevent further tempting? I would get rid of the computer, woudn't bother me a bit, but we have to have it for school. I thought there were pornography blocks on it, but I guess not.
With love and an aching heart,