said he needs his space

jenn_njAugust 14, 2008

I've been married to my husband for 8 years and yesterday he told me he wants to go down to the beach with "the guys" by himself this weekend, he said he needed space from me and our pets (one of the dogs ate his sunglasses and bluetooth and I was the one who wanted the dogs, he is not an animal person). He's never asked for this before and it really hurt me that he would need to be away from me for the weekend. We kind of argued about it and he had this list of things about me he was fed up with, and I told him I had a list about him but he just doesn't want to admit that he is a very difficult person to live with. He wants me to be perfect while I have to put up with his faults every single day - ie. plays video games all day long, has no control of his anger, spends money like it's going out of style, snores loud enough to wake the dead etc... I know I have faults too - I'm messy, have no organizational skills, I have pets and I don't clean up after them, I'm forgetful. But I don't think I'm the only one that should change. If I did and everything was perfect, then I would start feeling like I've got a bad deal. Change is a two way street, am I wrong?

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finedreams

my mother always says she wishes dad goes somewhere for the weekend and lets her do her own stuff once in awhile. lol but he is always there for 43 yeas, every weekend. every man i knew wanted 24/7 relationship, want to be always there. they are just more needy than women.

i don't think that it is that bad he wants to go for a weekend, it is not like it is every week and not like he will cheat. let him go and you enjoy your weekend. and I don't blame him wanting to have a break from dogs. i am not a pet person and can relate.

but other than that yes you both should consider what to change not just you. in a meanwhile enjoy your freedom. go do girl stuff.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 10:24AM
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kalahari

Hi Jenn,
Alas, one can only change ones self. If it were me, I'd be finding myself something fun to do this weekend too. That's a two way street as well! My husband and I enjoy time together but we also enjoy the freedom to do things on our own. After all, we are adults and really don't need another person policing our actions. I've learned I really enjoy a bit of alone time even if I'm the one left at home. No snoring, no video games blasting, no 24-hour TV, I can watch a movie I've been wanting to see that he wouldn't like. I can have a girlfriend over for a leisurely visit, I don't have to cook, etc. You don't say, but are you thinking something else is going on? Or are you just feeling left out? I have to admit I wouldn't be feeling good about it if we'd just had an argument because that would be all I thought about all weekend. Being alone with just my thoughts is not always a good thing! :-) Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 10:28AM
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sweeby

My husband's perfect, but I still like my space!

Well OK, he's not completely perfect -- But the idea is that "wanting a little space" and "can't stand you anymore" are two very different things, and when he says one, but you react like he says the other -- Well, then you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Kalahari's got the right idea. Apologize and tell him you reacted like an idiot, and to go and have a great, relaxing, fun time and that you will do the same. Then get a great book or rent a chick flick, buy your favorite foods that he doesn't care for, play with your pups, and have a 'yourself weekend'. Don't call him more than once and be happy to see him when he gets home.

Oh, and clean up after your pets.
Asking a non-pet-lover to accept a dog is one thing, but making him put up with piddle and poop and half-eaten chew toys is not a fair compromise. A well-trained, well-behaved dog is the kind of pet that changes folks into dog-lovers. An under-trained dog can spoil the entire species...

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 2:13PM
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catlettuce

Hmmm, well the only thing that bothers me about the exchange is the arguement, but that's done so let him have his weekend & you enjoy your weekend.

My DH loves animals but is not a pet person. I brought home a dog and she became "his" bay. So I got a second dog that's my baby, lol.. But I will say I am in charge of cleaning out the litter box and scoopig the poop and that's ok with me.

DH is gone much of the time so it really doesn't affect him much anyhow.

It's good for couples to have their seperate time too,maybe you could plan a girlfriends trip or activity every few months or so and get away yourself...

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 2:16PM
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jenn_nj

Hey guys, thanks so much for the responses. I agree I did totally overreact. I guess what bothered me was the long list of "marital problems" he felt the need to state as a reason why he was needing the weekend away. As if hanging out with his buddies for a couple of days is going to solve the problems. And I'll probably be thinking about it the whole weekend. I am willing to make some changes in myself but I just feel like he hates me and has given up :(

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 2:51PM
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asolo

Living with someone you don't like living with is a drag. Sounds like family meeting time to me. Neither one of you are feeling good about things right now. Why not sort it out and get going again?

Assuming you both want to. Otherwise, please disregard.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 3:33PM
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jenn_nj

I totally agree, it is time to sit down and discuss everything. Everytime we try, though, it ends up being this blame game and finger pointing, like "you do this.." "yeah, but you do THAT" and then it makes him even more angry. I'm going to see if he will want to talk about things tonight.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 3:59PM
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asolo

There are different ways than that to talk/discuss/argue. I have little doubt you both know what they are. Suggest discussing that first. Trading blame doesn't go anywhere. Suggest agreeing in the beginning that anger has no place. There are problems to solve here. If he has a case to state, he should be allowed to state it....as should you. If he's deficient, he should own it....as you should also. Does he WANT to change this or does he just want out? How about you? If there's no goal, discussion is pointless.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 4:25PM
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popi_gw

Compromise is the goal. Say things like "I will clean up after the dogs if you vacuume the floor." I would find it difficult to deal with dogs, as I am not a dog person. I think you might be stretching things there.

Is he overweight, why does he snore ? Could be serious health issues here.

Improve your behavior, he may see that you are making the effort and act accordingly.

Agree with others, be happy for him to have a w/e away with his friends. Sounds like bliss to me ! (for you I mean lol).

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 6:38PM
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athlete2010

Change is indeed a two way street in your marriage.

He was wrong to present his trip as a punishment for things that you and your pets have done. That is a bad precedent. Instead, he should have just said that he needed some time with his buddies.

Tell him that you are willing to make some immediate changes, and you are hoping that he can spend the weekend away thinking about some of the things he would like to change about his behavior. When he comes home, you both should discuss your new list of positive changes.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2008 at 12:02AM
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scarlett2001

Count it as a blessing! Get out of the house while he's gone and do something for yourself. Reconnect with the world. When he comes back, thank him for giving you your space.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2008 at 2:16AM
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girlsingardens

Jenn,

I can understand your dh wanting alone time. Before we had kids DH and often went our own ways and did things on the weekends, but now that we have 3 kids and one on the way we are pretty much homebodies and I kinda miss the freedom to just go and do what I want to do. So enjoy it.

As to your husband and your lists of things, are you sure you haven't been looking into my life??? We deal with much the same issues. If you need to vent feel free to email me. I know that it is frustrating and when both you and DH go through a list of faults it only serves to frustrate both of you and doesn't solve any problems.

Stacie

    Bookmark   August 17, 2008 at 2:26PM
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debo_2006

One of the most important parts of marriage is giving each other space. Enjoy your time and do it more often.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2008 at 6:13PM
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athlete2010

Hi Jenn,

Please let us know how it is going with you. A weekend away is ok for your husband as long as it's done in a positive way.

The bigger issue is how you both are going to deal with the list of things that upset you about the other person.
Hopefully, you both are talking through these issues.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2008 at 3:45PM
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