How much right?

passionate101August 25, 2008

Married for 4 yrs and no children

No sex since the day you were married

Your partner do not treat you as an equal partner who do not trust you on money. when you need to go shopping for groccery He needs to be there with you. (take note; she don't have problem about handling money)

How would you feel if your partner treated you this way; and what you gonna do?

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Why no sex?
No kids is probably a good thing wth this situation.
What if you insist on being 50/50 handling money?

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 9:23AM
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Well, I gotta ask what kind of marriage was this? Was it done for convenience or a green card or something? I take it you're foreign.

Can you leave? Is that an even an option? Are you asking if you should leave or just what to do to help matters? Obviously, denying sex isn't going to get you anywhere ;-) Sounds like your husband is very controlling. Why don't you just take the keys and go shopping without him? What would happen? Do you bring in any money or take care of his kids from a previous relationship, etc?

If you don't already have a job, I would suggest you get one so that you can become more independant and have some of your own money. If you're totally dependant on someone, they can easily take advantage of that and control you in more ways than one.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 9:31AM
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To carla,

That's why I asked the question because its bothered me a lot and I'm not happy with my situation right now. this is not what I want in marriage. I want to be involved in everything that married couples should do. NO I never married for convenience or anything except I married him because I love him. I had worked before but I stopped because He was not happy about it because we don't spent enought time each other. he never been married before and this is my first time marriage as well.

what I am wodering about is that He always tell me he loves me but I feel like is not true. if he truely loves me why he would not trust me? I feel like I am not his wife or a partner. sure I can leave the marriage but before that I want to solve this problem first if there is I can do. yes I still looking for a job I don't like being dependent its feels like a crap.this is not who I am.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 3:04PM
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Does he want a partner? Or a pet?

Because the woman he fell in love with was independent and self-supporting.
She made decisions and had a full-time job.
She was able to go to the grocery store by herself, or go to lunch with friends.

I'd ask him very plainly what he wants and expects from a wife in a marriage, then tell him very plainly what YOU want from a husband in a marriage. Tell him what kind of life YOU want to lead and see if that's someting he can live with.

Because his version doesn't seem to be what you want, and living too long under his version can diminish your future life prospects.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 4:14PM
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First-time marriage with no sex for four years -- beginning on the day you were married? Saving some drastic unexpected medical catastrophe, I would have gone for annulment in the beginning. No trust throughout either? No kids? What, then? Where does the "love" come in? What brought you together in the first place? Very strange.

One life to live. Can't imagine you would choose to live it this way.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 4:58PM
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first giant red flag/unacceptable/bad faith behavior:
the absolute control this man exerts over your entire life.

Abusers *always* exert control over their victims.

second giant red flag et:
the absolute absence of sexual activity between the 2 of you.

It might be punishment & it might be that this guy doesn't like sex with women, but it doesn't matter which.

At this point, I'd recommend that you not *ever* engage in sex with him (don't know "where he's been", which can kill you in this day & age) & that you get out of there as fast as you can & never look back.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 5:21PM
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I still think there's way more to the story. No sex from day one should have left you running for the door. Did you have sex before marriage; how long and how well did you know him?

I really don't know many women that don't work unless they are raising kids. I think therein lies one of your biggest problems. I don't think it's a lack of trust issue, but rather a control issue on his part. It also can end up being a lack of respect issueÂeverybody that doesnÂt have a good excuse should have to earn their keep in one way or another. Do you do volunteer work or give back to the community in some way? I'm sorry but I can't really feel all that bad for someone who doesn't work or take care of kids that is complaining they can't spend money how they want to.

I don't know if this is your case, but some men marry foreign women because in some circumstances they are easier to control because they may be less able to leave and make it on their own. (they risk deportation, canÂt drive, donÂt have good jobs, etc). Could that be happening in your case? If he really thought you spent too much time working, why wasnÂt part time discussed? What do you do all day? I wouldn't allow my husband to tell me I couldn't work.

It sounds like maybe he just wanted and married a "name only house wife" and by not objecting to the lack of sex, and by letting him control what you can and canÂt do the way you have, etc... you have more or less agreed to the arrangement. Do you have a way out? Could you leave if you wanted or do you feel too dependant on him now? If you donÂt want to be dependant on him, you have to make some changes. IÂd start with getting job; then you'd have your own money and probably some more self respect for yourself. You shouldn't allow and don't need some man to control you... or do you?

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 5:53PM
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I agree with sylviatexas.

1. Do not have sex with him now. Period.

2. Get yourself tested for all STD's and HIV. Make sure you
are safe from the times you did have sex with him.

3. Find a way to leave him and support yourself.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 7:46PM
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I suspect this guy just needed to be legally married for whatever reason.

he might be gay who needs to be married for some kind of benefit, maybe to look better at his job, so he got married to keep appearances but has no sex because he is not attracted to women. He does have sex just not with his wife.

i know it sounds like a stretch, but I have met at least two ladies at PFLAG who were married to gay men in the past. men never wanted to have sex with their wives for obvious reason and overall just kept their marriage to look better in a community. Of course marriage eventually ended.

i would look into it. 4 years no sex, sounds like what those ladies described.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 11:02PM
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Yeah, finedreams, that sounds like it may well well be the reason. He's gay, needs a "wife" so he marries someone that he can try to control to the point that they won't be easily able to leave him and he can keep up his scam of a marriage. That's why I wonder how long and how well she knew him before marriage. I know people get roped into marriages with gay people without knowing all the time, but going 4 years without sex from the very beginning and becoming dependant on him contributes immensely to the problem.

Sadly, I don't think the poster is going to get the kind of relationship that she is looking for with her husband for whatever the reason. Have you, passionate101 asked or complained to your husband about the lack sex? What did he say? The shopping thing is secondary, although controlling, lots of guys do that for many different reasons, and to me it's not as bothersome as the no sex ever thing. Do you have the sort of marriage where you can bring up the no sex problem?

You need to get to the root of the problem of your marriage and try to become independant so you have more options.

By the way, PFLAG is Parents Family Friends of Lesbians And Gays... had to look that up!

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 9:34AM
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Oh brother, can anyone spell drama queens?

This person, in a rambling, semi-illiterate way, has given just a few facts about her alleged marriage. Basically, she stated they have no kids, no sex and she has no job. She gave no reasons for most of her issues so nobody has any idea who is at fault here or even if her charges are true.

Most people here have tried and convicted the guy for everything from abuse to homosexuality. As they say, there are always 2 sides to every story. Apparently not where a woman is concerned. Any single word a woman says is true, right? No woman ever uttered a single mis-truth or exaggeration, right?

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 2:28PM
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We have to respond based on what is in the posting. Assume that the words are true, otherwise what's the point of it all.

A person's perceived level of literacy has no baring on whether they need help or not.

Unless we hear from the other person, we can't really form an accurate appraisal of the situation so assumptions are usually made.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 6:23PM
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So because it seems English is not her first language, you assume she's illiterate? (How many languages do you speak? Try rewriting your own post in another language and see how well-educated you seem.) And since English isn't her first language, when she said there was NO sex, she really meant there wasn't enough? Just exaggerated? And no job anymore means what? No kids means partial kid?

Sure there are "reasons" -- But at some point, 'reason' and 'excuse' become matters of opinion with a mighty fine line between them. What GOOD reason can there be for NO sex for four years?

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 7:00PM
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People always speculate on these forums. No one ever knows the whole story... not her mother, not her best friend, not even her. We can only take guesses at what may be going on based on the info she provides. Of course no one knows the other side.

No sex for 4 years starting from day one suggests something out of the ordinary. She said her husband made her quit to spend more time with him, that she is not allowed to go shopping by herself, that her husband doesn't trust her and that she feels like he does not love her. Regardless of how much she is exagerating, she doesn't feel he loves her. That's a fact; and something should be done about it.

zowlik, I'm nominating you for the title of "Queen of the Drama Queens". Your post is the most dramatic and uninsightful one on here! Do you have any ideas or suggestions for the poster or do you just prefer to attack the other posters?

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 7:44PM
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I'm somewhat sympathetic to zowlick's point of view. I, too, think that supposition frequently gets overboard on this forum. For the most part I accept it as inevitable. And I think I usually know what people are getting at. I certainly don't object to zowlick's bringing it up if he/she feels it's happened. Since most of the posters are women, I would also expect defensiveness to the charge.

In this poster's case, my view is that that after four years of no sex from day one of the marriage the reasons are somewhat irrelevant. I think she's clearly been the victim of a fraud, should have gone for annulment early and, failing that, should get out now.

On we go.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 7:50PM
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No sex for four years is a deal-breaker, and grounds for a divorce or annulment even in the old days before no-fault divorce. I'm speculating that he did her once so she could not claim an uncomsumated marriage. What's going on here?

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 9:32PM
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Why did you marry this man in the first place? By reading your post, it seems you speak - and write - English poorly? Did you marry him for citizenship?

    Bookmark   August 28, 2008 at 1:16PM
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People who marry to get citizenship usually don't complain about no sex. They just are patient, get their papers and split so we can cross that possibility off our list.
The grammatical problems she has don't match any major language groups I've seen, and I taught language at one point in my life. It seems like a cross between Brooklyn and Bosnia. (or bored college student who should be researching a term paper for a 101 class and is wasting their time instead--get back to work)
But In the unlikely event passionata is real:
I don't understand the problem, if you don't like the situation, leave. Otherwise, You have all day long, take ESL somewhere, or learn a skill.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2008 at 1:01AM
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Hi Sylvia,
You're correct that he doesn't like sex; I just figured this out later in our marriage. Don't get me wrong he's not a gay or not attracted to me. He had a bad childhood history, her mother did not treat him nice; and I think that is the reason why he don't like sex.
He is not that bad like you discribe above. anyway We had a long talked and He understand and feel bad about it; he was so sorry. He gave me the credit card so, when he is not around or he is busy and I need something to buy I don't need to wait him. right now I still looking for a job and I hope I get job soon!
I'm not sure if I will divorce him just because We don't have sex often. I love him very much and I do think He is a wonderful person and a husband to me. We decided to get marriage councelling and have schedule on wed.
Thanks for taking time to responding my post.
sorry for the late reply

    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 11:04PM
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you said you "never" had sex since the day you got married and now you are saying that you don't have sex "often". there is a big difference between never and not often. so which one is it?

    Bookmark   September 8, 2008 at 7:30PM
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Big difference about that. Can you be clear, please?

    Bookmark   September 8, 2008 at 7:46PM
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Sorry to disagree but there are many woman who marry for citzenship with the hopes also of having a happy marriage. Do mail order brides simply split after the ceremony? There is a whole new generation of mail order type brides who 'fall in love' with US men over the internet yes, mainly for the hope of citizenship but also for the hope of a happy US marriage.

I too am confused about the no sex thing. But, I'm still thinking... HE'S GAY. Speculation or not, it makes common sense; a lot of sense. Not sure how/why the OP would know he's not gay considering his lack of interest in sex with her.

To the original poster... wondering... how did you meet each other, how well and long did you know each other before you married, and where are you from?

    Bookmark   September 11, 2008 at 1:18AM
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Carla--my view of marrying for citizenship was formed during the period of time that I worked as an immigration lawyer. I went to the interviews with clients and sat in huge waiting rooms with lots of other couples and their attorneys. I read the cases and sat in the courtrooms. I heard the stories from spouses who were suddenly left after the green card arrived in the mail. No they don't leave after the ceremony because you don't get a green card until after the second interview and time has passed.
So this isn't a marrying for citizenship case as 4 years have passed.
Reading Zowlick, Asolo's and Scarletts'posts seems to have improved the OP's grammar also, and things seem better now. Is this forum wonderful or what?

    Bookmark   September 29, 2008 at 8:43PM
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