Need some advice please.

db0916August 18, 2007

My husband has been traveling overseas for his job and he is gone for 3 weeks and home for 1 week. The last two assignments had him traveling with a female and male coworker from the states. Long story short...the female coworker has become a leech and he doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. I expressed my concerns in June and he said he didn't realize how I felt and hearing it from a womans point of view he could see how it would make me feel uneasy and he would attempt to detach himself from her. He tells me he has no attraction to her they keep each other company. (breakfast,lunch,dinner and weekend outings)

Fast forward to last week. She drops her blackberry in the pool and is now in need of a phone. Can you believe she asked my husband for his old phone? They bought their BB's at the same time. Even though he knew I did not want him to send her the phone he did it anyway. He said he would of done it for any other coworker. I said this one is different in that we discussed how needy and dependent she is on you.

I am so mad at him I am not talking to him.

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mom2emall

I do agree that their closeness would worry me as well. Especially because he is with her for 3 weeks and then with you for only one.

I do have a few questins about the situation:
Is the other male co-worker hanging out with them at their meals and outings? If so then I would not be bothered by them all hanging out, it can get lonely traveling. But, if it is just your hubby and woman I would wonder what the other man is doing on the trip. Is the woman married?

    Bookmark   August 18, 2007 at 10:43PM
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db0916

No. The other co-worker was not hanging out with them. They thought he was strange because he didn't like to socialize with them. However when my husband was recently on a trip with only the male, they did spend some time together.(interesting)
No. The woman is divorced.

What hurts me the most is the fact that my H and I discussed this in June and he assured me he had no interest in her and he would back off. I was with him on the business trip last week when she asked him for the cel phone.He chose not to tell me about the cel phone issue because he said he knew it would make me mad and he didn't want to ruin my trip.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2007 at 12:11AM
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mom2emall

I would be bothered about him keeping a secret from you regarding the cell phone. If he knows how much it would have bothered you then he should not have said yes to giving her the cell phone. He needs to consider your feelings above hers.

I do not think your out of line asking him not to spend so much time with her. Maybe a breakfast here and there before work. But as far as outings and dinners, maybe he should bring the other male along and make it a "group" activity so it is not so much like a date.

From an outsiders perspective it seems like your hubby is dating another woman, just hopefully without the sexual part!

    Bookmark   August 19, 2007 at 4:02PM
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emily2006

Trying to not be too female, I would be upset and angry too. It appears that he is disregarding your feelings.

It's one thing to eat together, but the phone business is bull. She can get her own phone, she's not helpless, or blind, or handicap, she has a job, and supposedly a mind to figure out how to buy one.

I worked in an all male environment for 15 years, while I was a paramedic, I was the only female ever hired full-time. You get close to your co-workers, because you go through so much together. However, socialization between single and married were not alone, we always socialized as a group. Those of us who were single, did things alone. Although, it was strictly platonic.

It's difficult enough for spouses to deal with being with the oposite sex on a regular basis, it's unfair to make it that much more distressing by having too close a relationship with a co-worker.

Meals together are one thing, but if he wants weekend outtings, let him fly you to where he is and spend time with the woman who is devoted to him.

I'd make an unexpected visit on this one. Yes, I am suspicious, I had an unfaithful husband that I was devoted to. I put cameras in my living room, and caught him leaving for the night! (while I was away for training)plus other things, viagra missing, soiled shorts, suddenly stopped having sex with me, he still claims innocence, certainly he would.

In any event, he should not have gotten her a phone, that's personal and the relationship should be of a professional nature.

it sounds like there may be more to this story. If not, tell him he needs to put more distance between him and this woman, and stop catering to her requests. No attempts, just do it.

Compromise, he can certainly have meals with his co-workers, but limited socializing. No favors! how would he feel if you started socializing with men while he was away?

I'd be angry, he has male co-workers, tell him to take in a game, fish, bowl, whatever, but include others in the weekend plans.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2007 at 10:49AM
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lindac

I think I might ask him what his boss thinks about such things...
I travelled for work for a few years....I know how many men were hitting on me....and we weren't even travelling together or having lunch togehter.
I have a friend who was blind to her husband travelling with a co worker....she is now his ex-wife. He dumped her for the co worker.
Don't be dumb.
Linda C

    Bookmark   August 26, 2007 at 7:18PM
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popi_gw

Well, the other male on the trip.....he probably does not like this woman, why else would he not spend time with your DH and the woman. He seemed happy to spend time with your DH, without the woman.

I would be suspicious.

Its better in the long run if you keep communication open with your DH, ie not use silent treatment. This may drive him closer to the silly woman.

The whole work situation really is not acceptable. Its work, they shouldn't be spending so much time together, it is bound to lead to shenanigans.

But I guess you know this.

Its really up to your DH to put up some boundaries, for himself, and wake up to the "danger" of spending time with this woman.

Good luck.

P

    Bookmark   August 26, 2007 at 8:02PM
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pris

I agree with lindac. My first husband became close with a female co-worker. Most of his co-workers were at least 10 years or more younger and did a lot of partying. We were in our mid thirties with two children. He evidently wanted to be part of the group and went to happy hour with them a lot. There were only two women in his office. One was the office manager and middle aged and the other was a draftsperson in his group closer in age to the other guys. He became enamored with her and would probably have gotten over it in time but after he started treating her with more consideration than he did me I threw in the towel and let her have him. This was after many months of him sneaking around and coming in later & later. When her husband came banging on the door one night looking for them both and upsetting my two boys, I told him to move out. As it turned out she was using him to get out of her bad marriage and they eventually broke up. Doesn't say a lot for the male gender. I still believe that when you or your spouse stop showing respect for each other, the end is in sight.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2007 at 1:17PM
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linda117117

Sorry, I didnt realize this post was so old since the spammer brought it to the top. Hopefully a solution has been found by now with the OP.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2008 at 11:02AM
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