I need to know - Please help! Exes and facebook problem

bluejamesAugust 19, 2009

First things first , I need to know if I'm being pathetic , a D*** or what I am feeling is normal and what I can do.

I'm a 26 year old male who works as a joiner. My girlfriend of 1 year and 3 months is 36 nearly 37. We are a great couple , we openly love each other and find new ways of showing it all the time. I would never want to change her in anyway and dont have any other place to turn or anyone i can talk to about this. I'm not confrontational and scared of arguing. Theres a few things that are really hurting me and I need to know if I'm over reacting or being unreasonable to feel this way.

First of all she is married but has been apart for 5 years , she is in regular contact with her husband who has found someone else too. She always talks about her exes too me and used to meet up with one of them ( which i said i had a problem with and it stopped ) I can understand her husband would of been a big part of life as she always tells me and my family at the dinner table her exe boyfriends and storys of her honeymoon in japan etc...Is this worng for me to be hurt or upset/angry by this?

On her left arm theres a tattoo of her husbands name in ancient irish or celt..i havent asked her to get it removed but I'm suprised she hasnt anyway..it hurts me when i look at it..is there anything i can do?

I was trawling through Facebok photos and showing my friend how gorgeous she was when i stumbled on her wedding photos and photos of her with her exes , theres about 12 of them..I was gutted about this. I want to tell her it upsets me but I cant bring myself to do it I feel like a knob.

She once showed me her wedding photos and i just bit my tongue.

It seems silly writing all this bad stuff down because we have loads of good moments ( millions ) She wouldnt be unfaithful and Im sure she doesnt have feelings for her Exes in fact I know she doesnt. I know im a good boyfriend although not perfect but i would never do any of the above - lthe other week she called a celeb "fit" to me and that was the final straw , its put me in such a bad and sad mood. Im a hard worker at my job , i enjoy my football too but that doesnt come first before she does

Am i over reacting , what can I do? say?

Thanks in advance


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Please clarify "final straw."

I have no idea what you mean by "...she called a celeb "fit" to me..."

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 9:31AM
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I didn't understand that either.

If your GF and her Ex have no feelings for each other, why aren't they divorced after 5 years of being separated? And how many Ex's does she have? You make it sound like there are quite a few of them.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 9:53AM
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Theres about 5 exes. Some she doesnt speak to.. but the majority are talked about to me , a few times she has reffered to them as " gorgeous" which annoys me.

That thing with the celeb i should have made myself more clear , she was flicking through a mag with her mate and myself saying who was hot and would " get it".. final straw as in looking for help.

I have no idea why they havent divorced , he moved away to another country , I have never got a clear answer but she said it all fell apart and she strayed and left.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 10:38AM
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I think its normal to feel jelous of seing photos of your girlfreind and her ex,why are you afraid to show you are jelous.maybe she wants you to show your jelous,she maybe thinks its strange that you arnt botherd.But i think you are overacting when she says celebs are fit,everybody finds celebs attractive but it doesnt mean anything, its normal.I think you should be open with her and tell her whats bothering you,it cant do any harm

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 12:00PM
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Hi JAmes - I see that you are in the United Kingdom. To people in the US, "fit" means in shape. Meaning slender, firm, some strength, that type of thing. Yes, that's attractive, but I get the sense that in the UK it means something different.

I don't think you're out of line in objecting to her behavior. Why would she keep bringing up her past boyfriends to you if she really cares about you? Frankly, I think you're involved with a self-centered, insecure woman who continually needs to feel attractive and desired and does so by telling you about everyone she's been with.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 12:06PM
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Five exes...or 12, is it?

Do believe you're hooked onto a "collector"....meaning someone who keeps multiple guys around because they make her feel desirable. They need constant reinforcement which is one thing your displays of annoyance provide. OK if it works for you but don't be thinking she'll change. Give it a go if you want, but don't be thinking you've got a keeper.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 12:26PM
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Hey there thanks for the replys so far, Fit over here in Britain means attrative , Hot , gorgeous.

Im just hurt and I sometimes feel like a knife has stabbed my heart sometimes when she brings something up about one of her exes. Im not afraid to show her I'm jealous i just dont like mind games , I didnt like it when she was meeting up with her Exe and but i didnt want to stop her being herself I'm not like that. She put an end to that herself because i know she knew it wasnt right or fair on me.

She does seem very self centered sometimes - she is a singer for a club and has her own site with alot of pictures of herself and is constantly inviting people to comment on them , some of the comments from men make me sick and upset and she has led some guys on because of this ( i dont know if she means to as she is naturally very flirty )

Im from scotland and came across this site and I liked the threads and the responces on them seemed very mature and helpful!

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 12:29PM
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I think what you feel is natural. If you talk open with each other, you should discuss about these things that upset you. Letting it bother you and not say anything about it isn't healthy. All these things pile up and one day will explode. It's a good question why she hasn't got a divorce yet after 5 years and you should get an honest answer from her. Good luck with your relationship and your job!

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 2:06PM
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If the relationship brings you this much pain, what is wrong with admitting it is not a match?

James, you don't trust her. Is that your issue or hers...at this point, it doesn't matter. It is what it is. Your biggest problem, personally, is that you don't honor your own experience by opening up about it. You'd rather avoid conflict than address your pain. You think your pains are 'wrong' or 'too expensive' - so you shut down. This type of situation, you shutting down with regards to your needs, will show up in EVERY relationship you ever have. This is a good time to start to challenge this thing that you do.

If you open up, and she makes adjustments, then you know you have a keeper. If you open up, and she calls you crazy without stopping to thnk, then you have some pretty valuable information.

Your trust in her will not grow as you shut yourself down. It will only continue to get weaker - and worse, you will not be able to trust yourself to take care of your own needs.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 2:09PM
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It is really about your own insecurities.

Say to her, "I feel upset when you talk about your exes and I would rather you didn't bring that up".

If she was committed to you, she would want to divorce, and put some closure on the marriage.

Do you want to have more of a commitment to this lassie ?

I don't think you are being pathetic, you are mature enough to know you need some advice and are not afraid to post here and ask for it.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 7:39PM
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Actually, she enjoys your "commitment". But she intends to keep her own options open. Obviously marriage or non-marriage mean nothing to her. She survives on adoration. "....singer for a club and has her own site with alot of pictures of herself and is constantly inviting people to comment on them..." Could be purely commercial but based on what you've described of her behavior otherwise, no. She's a star. She must be. The people around her must tell her so. If they don't, she gets rid of them. I'll bet that's why she's hanging on to previous husband. He can't stand living with her, but she's good in bed and he knows how to get her there when he wants it. He praises her and she sucks it up. (no pun intended)

Please do tell me I'm wrong about that. But I'll bet you don't really know any more about it than I do......which is practically nothing.

I hope she's really, really good to you, mate, because you've got a player on your hands.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 8:09PM
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Unfortunately, from what you've posted, I agree with asolo. This is exactly what it sounds like to me, too.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2009 at 10:41PM
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Amy I agree with your post. I DO trust her but she walks over my trust it seems and almost she takes the P*ss. She does seem very self centered and insecure.

I do reassure her and she does ask for it .. , call her beautiful , take her out for dinners , love her to death , spoil her but i dont mind that because ive always wanted a girl who would let me do those things to her.

She told me a while ago that she isnt getting the tattoo removed , I'm going to try and change her mind but i cant force her. And I will speak to her about the exes.

We had a huge argument a while ago when i asked her to stop talking about her exes and she did change but its slowly getting back to where it was. THe thing is if i do speak to her about it her way of getting back at me seems to be to hurt me.

Facebook and the photos.. , I guess facebook is still new to society and we are still finding its place and the boundaries but if your with someone you love dearly and theres these photos of her looking so happy with someone else it does hurt :(

Im not perfect either , she does alot for me and we are best friends. But I would never hurt her heart.

Im going to vow when ever she hurts me to pull her up on it. These things need addressing but i cant bring them all up at once :(

Asolo , I can see where your coming from but the husband live in another country so I'm not sure thats a problem. IF she ever cheated on me she would be out the door straight away.

you advice is apreciated!

Has anyone had these troubles before? If your husband had a tatoo of another persons name/birthdate what would you do??

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 3:59AM
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Removing a tattoo can be expensive and painful, so I can appreciate her hesitation to get rid of it. But she could have it altered. She could add to the design so that it no longer is her Ex's name.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 7:30AM
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Sorry James, I must respectfully disagree. To say "I trust you" does not mean simply that I trust you won't sleep with someone else. Trust means that I know that what you say is true, and real, and reliable, and in that trust I can relax.

You're not there, friend - You don't "get" what's going on in her mind as she narcissistically parades her men for all to see.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 10:49AM
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It would bother me that she is not divorced. what is up with that, possibly planning on reuniting with her ex eventually?

"If your husband had a tatoo of another persons name/birthdate what would you do?? " i generally do not see myself with a person who tatoos names of her/his lovers on their body.

I think you can do better than that. 26, life just begins, there are plenty of nice avilable women out there. with no tatoos of ex-husbands

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 11:37AM
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Here's my two cents. It's unreasonable to ask her to remove a tattoo. It's expensive, painful, and will leave a scar. I would let that go. I also don't think there is anything wrong with seeing or discussing ex's, to a certain extent. My boyfriend and I are both still good friends with ex's, we see them occasionally and are all friendly and it works just fine. None of us have any feelings for these people anymore besides friendship, so I don't care if he's friends with his ex's and he doesn't care if I'm friends with mine. I also don't think talking about an unattainable celebrity is a big deal. BUT...she seems to be taking all this to an extreme; talking about her honeymoon in front of your friends and family, keeping her wedding photos up on her facebook, talking about them ALL the time even though she knows you're uncomfortable with it. I don't think she's being reasonable. I think she wants EVERYBODY in the world to know how many men she has had and all the things she has done with them. And WHY isn't she divorced? Now THAT would bother me the most. I think she is intentionally making someone prone to jealously (you) more jealous on purpose.

I used to have a friend who had to have every single guy be madly in love with her. She had no intention of dating any of these guys, didn't think all of them were attractive, and would even flirt with her friend's boyfriends. She was looking for the admiration from men, it didn't matter who they were. Your girlfriend sounds similar.

My advice (if you really want things to work out with you two) is 1) Tell her you are uncomfortable with her talking about her ex's all the time. But you also have to accept that other people were once a part of her life (and she's had ten years more life than you have), so mentioning them once in awhile should be no big deal, unless she is rubbing it in your face on purpose, that's mean. You need to let go of the tattoo and joking about celebrities also. Tell her you will work on your jealousy issues if she will work on stopping trying to make you more jealous. 2) she HAS to get a divorce. You'll never be able to move forward in your relationship anyways until she is divorced, and I can see how this fact could make all those other things seem much bigger. She has a husband for crying out loud. 3) She needs to remove her wedding pics and any other pics of her and other men from her facebook page, it's extremely disrespectful to you.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 3:05PM
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well... define "always" ("always" talks about her exes)

Everyone will agree that it's unreasonable to "always" talk about your exes, but everyone might be thinking something different when they hear that description. Your "always" might be my "occasional", and you would almost certainly get different answers if you had said she occasionally mentions her exes, vs always talks about her exes.

I think it is highly unreasonable to get upset because your partner says she finds a celebrity sexy or hot, and I suspect that if you are a person who gets jealous about something so innocuous, what you perceive and describe as her "always talking" about other guys might be something many or most people would not find objectionable. I also personally think it unreasonable that she gave up a friendship with an ex who you yourself acknowledge she did not have feelings for because you had a problem with it. (although i do know other people have different ideas about exes and friendship)

So... when you say "always", what does that mean? When she tells "storys of her honeymoon in japan" is she twice a week telling you about all the wild sex she had with her husband, or did she once, in the context of a conversation about travel or vacations, tell an amusing anecdote about getting lost in the back streets of Tokyo, that just happened to have occured on her honeymoon? Are the 12 pictures on facebook in a 12-picture album of "me and my past men" or are they intermingled among dozens of pics of her and her friends? Context matters.

Certainly your description makes her sound excessive and wrong, but simply by the fact that you perceive her as being excessive and wrong, you are naturally going to describe it that way, and people who hear your description are going to feel sympathy for your perspective, based on how you describe things. If that makes sense?

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 4:59PM
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When my husband and I were married a few months, his kids pulled out the home movies and I watched with them until I saw the kiss under the mistletoe. I got up and fixed snacks for everyone. I told him later I didn't thing it was right for me to have to watch him kiss his ex over and over. It stopped. He was a very understanding man and certainly would not have like it if it were me kissing my ex. You can put with this until you are totally tired of it and leave. Then you will have wasted precious years of your life. She has no respect for you.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 5:19PM
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First of all.... a married woman! What are you thinking? If she cheats WITH you, she will cheat ON you.

Second.... you say "lthe other week she called a celeb "fit" to me and that was the final straw , its put me in such a bad and sad mood."
So she said some celebrity was hot. And you are threatened by that?!?
You must have some self-esteem issues of that was "the final straw" and you were in a "bad and sad mood".

Break it off now.
I don't see how this relationship will work out well for you.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2009 at 6:05PM
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Hi Quirk to answer your questions , yes i can see how you mean.

"Always" is talking about one of her exes ( usually her husband ) atleast once a night. In the context of "me and such and such"

I dont think its unreasonable that she gave up the friendship with the exe being that... she told me he said he still found her attractive and the fact she cheated on him with me when we werent going out ( i didnt know )

Regards to the honeymoon , Im sorry but it hurts me to think of it. Espcially a the dinner table , it wasnt talking about the wild sex it was talking about just various things. I found it a bit insulting that she would do it infront of my parents too.

Facebook - I was just going through the pictures and her wedding photos came up and I kept going and there was alot of photos of her with previous boyfriends. she has about 700 photos so fair play to that but i still think its wrong and makes me feel uncomfortable and can i just say she uploaded them last year when we had just started going out.

Thanks for the obvious pointers Quirk! Your right about what you said. And I agee about the celeb things.

I agree with Jen the fact that she isnt divorced she makes everything seem a whole lot worse

Im not a protective boyfriend infact i dont mind her going out on her own..im not like that!

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 3:30AM
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Hm. So she's a known, self confessed, cheatin' type. This is attractive to you because....?

And you're "not a protective boyfriend". What, are you superman? LOL. I mean, it eats you up inside that she throws this history around like a second hand toy, and yet somehow you manage to be disconnected when she is away from you so that you don't worry that she's "collecting". Impressive - !

Dating a married woman is exciting because....?

She must be good in the sack. Usually that's what keeps the cougars in business.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 4:58AM
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Its anything but attrative Amy , my sexlife is great , Im with her because i feel she is my best friend and lover.

I do get slightly worried when she goes out because i do know she is flirty and silly when she is drunk but i doubt she would cheat ( im not concerned about myself being worried , i think its natural and i would never bring it up )

I asked her why she hadnt divorced , she got got a bit ratty and told me she is getting the dirvorce papers soon , she didnt give me a proper answer. I know she cheated and has told me so on her husband while in the relationship with him. I heard of a legal case that he could charge her with adultry unless they have been separated for such and such a time??

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 5:28AM
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I have another take on the wedding picture.. possible she wants "fans" to think she's currently married? Same with the tat.. if "fans" see it, they know it's a guys name?

On the photos on Facebook; are you sure they are on her page and not the guys? I am able to see pics by a friend of one of my friends on FB; in my friends photos page but they are not that friends pics if you look at the location on the bottom right of the picture.

The tat.. I have an ex husbands name on my back shoulder; it's 3 letters and kind of merged with a larger tat. It is covered by a tank top strap; so not everyone sees it. I would love to have it made into a butterfly but have not; 1 due to the pain, I'm not sure I could handle tat pain any more and because the person I use lives too far. I do not trust just anyone to do ink on me.

My hubby knows the name means nothing to me; but I also don't talk about my ex's unless it's to say something negative about them being fathers to my kids. My hubby has an ex as well

As far as Facebook; my opinion is it's a relationship killer; especially in situations like yours. It is one thing if everything is private; you only have relatives & close friends; but adding people of the opposite sex or ex's can be asking for trouble.

Call me old fashioned; I don't get sites like that and what the appeal is to have as many people as you can listed in your friend list; especially if your real name is used.

Being separated from someone for 5 years without divorcing; I'm 1/2 & 1/2 on that one. I can understand because divorce can be expensive but the fact that she & her husband have moved on; well the adultery charge is BS. Would he really charge her with adultery at this point? Here in the states, a reason doesn't really matter.

Did I read that you 2 are engaged? If the 2 of you are, I don't feel she's serious if she's still married. If you are not engaged, is it possible that this is what she's wanting from you?

Without knowing either of you, you sound like 2 different people; she probably is not going to change and no matter how much you love her, it won't be enough to be able to live like this. One day you may find yourself married to her, she's pregnant & you're not sure whether you are the father. Then there is the fact that she goes out and sings; where will you be?

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 8:39AM
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I think you misunderstand when I ask "what is attractive about this situation". Sometimes when we can identify the part we play in a system, we can come to terms with it more clearly. There is most likely something that draws you in to the problem that brought you here to talk to us today. It may seem unnatural, or unlikely, but it does exist.

Also, I don't hear that you are worried that she will cheat. I'm hearing that you're concerned about her lack of sensitivity to you, and this unexplained, and (for lack of a better word) abnormal preoccupation with previous relationships. It's the, "what is this about" factor that has you uneasy, I imagine. Is it an indication of her stability, or maturity, or commitment capability, etc? Well, we don't know. We haven't met her, it would all be speculation to say something like "she sounds narcissistic, not a good prognosis there" -

Rather, we're talking with you. You are the one distressed, and while you believe certain concerns are natural, the position that you take that you would "never bring it up" is in and of itself a block to your own level of security in this rx.

Does it concern you that you would ask a very reasonable question with regards to her divorce and that she would respond in a ratty way? Did you ask her rudely? If not, this is INFORmation about your girlfriend, that she is out of touch with your reality, and rather uncaring to not be more sensitive to a simple, expected, reasonable question from you.

Who in the world wouldn't understand that their husband gets in the way of having a 'real' relationship, and would be defensive if they too were committed and loving and caring?

I wonder if you are settling, and if so, why?

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 3:08PM
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THe facebook photos were added by her just before we started going out.Ive calmed down about that now I guess.

No we arnt engaged , I would never asked a married women for marriage...ew

It does concern me that i cant get a straight answer , does anyone know how i could aproach the situtation and ask??

I had a really horrible situtation last weekend with her , we were just in a pub , there werent many people there but her exe f*ck buddy/lover whatever you want call it.. walked in and she started talking to him ( there wasnt many people in the pub so it would be hard not to ) but she kept disapearing off with him for short periods of time ( he is very very handsome ) i got upset by this and they were flirting with each other..I felt like dieing!!

Any takes on this? - If it was the other way round and I ( gods forsake ) had a f*ck buddy i told my girlfriend about I certainly wouldnt flirt or make conversation much at all..let alone in front of my GF!!!

    Bookmark   August 25, 2009 at 6:58AM
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James, you're not her boyfriend.

Don't you get it?

You're just her latest f*ck buddy and one of these days you're going to be an ex- f*ck buddy. You're her toy, like a yo-yo. She has you on a string. She brings you in tight and then drops you. And she repeats this when she wants to play.

Why not scratch your arms and hands and pour salt into the wounds? It would be less painful than what you're going through right now.

Come on, now. You know by now the kind of person you're involved with. She's not going to change.

So, you either live with it and continue to endure the humiliation she's putting you through or you walk away and find somebody that will care enough about you to make you feel special.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2009 at 7:31AM
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OK, friend, you're sounding pitiful, now. You need to get this message clearly and move along. She's turning you into a lap-dog. I can't believe you really want to play this game, but a game is what it is. I'd suggest you let her play it with others -- unless, maybe, you enjoy it, too?

    Bookmark   August 25, 2009 at 1:18PM
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James, your problem is not only with a non committed partner, it is with your inability to communicate, and hers as well. Two really dangerous elements to mental health, IMO - not a good match.

When you end this relationship of sorts, years later, you'll look back and thank us....I promise. Hugs - it ain't easy. But do it.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2009 at 2:10PM
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