Feeling frustrated DH is stressing me out

girlsingardensAugust 2, 2008

We have been married for 9 years and have 3 kids under the age of 5 and one more coming in November. I stay at home with the kids and love being able to do so. My problem is DH doesn't understand what being pregnant can do to you, examples: I am so tired I have to have a nap in the afternoon when the kids are asleep or I will fall asleep as soon as supper is over, that I am not stupid or incompetant, just that so many things are on my mind and being pregnant doesn't help me remember to do things. I have just about had it. Keep in mind DH is going through some serious health issues right now, (diagnosed with diabetes, gallstones, hernia and infected bowels) most have been dealt with and the diabetes will be ongoing. DH is the kind not to talk about what is bothering him and I know that the stress and worry about his health is getting to him. This time of year I start planning and canning and freezing for winter food to save money and because it is so much healthier, I also will be making baby food for the baby to come. DH thinks that it is a hobby and there are better things to do. He does work full time as a teacher and the last two summers he has worked at school almost full time without a break. I am just tired of hearing how it is his money, I am not doing anything at home, how I need to get a job and complaints about just about anything and everything.

This has been going on for some time, and I will be the first to admit that I am not the best housekeeper like his mom is and my idea of clean is a world away from his. I am taking zoloft for depression and pain meds daily because of the fact that with the last baby my ligaments and muscles were so stretched and stressed that I had contractions for 8 weeks before baby came, let alone that our youngest was 5 months old when I got pregnant again( I had my tubes tied when baby number 3 came so this was such a surprise)

I am just fed up with him right now. I know he is stressed about so much going on right now work and healthwise but I can't get him to open up. Also he is taking 12 pills a day and he is the kind to not even want to take a tylenol normally. That and testing his blood sugar 4 times a day and worrying about what to eat and keeping his levels down. I don't know if the meds are making it worse but his tolerance level is very low for dealing with me and just about everyone. Every night after supper he goes down to his office to "work" or play video games and leaves everything up to me. What I wouldn't give for some time alone, I can't even take a bath without someone else jumping in. Let alone our sex life stinks, I am ready all the time but he isn't in the mood, and when he is I do all the work and let me tell you afterwards I feel like it wasn't worth it, it is not satisfying at all.

Just feeling frustrated and hormonal with everything going on, I can cry at the drop of the hat and not being appreciated is getting to me.

Stacie

girlsingardens

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catlettuce

Awww (((Stacie)))

Sometimes spouses just get caught up in daily life and strife and forget to appreciate each other. Like you, I didn't have a real pleasant pregnancy and would cry if somebody looked at me cross-eyed..

I would cut him a little slack-and I know you have. The new diabetes diagnosis also effects sex drive etc which probably is very depressing to him. I would tell him you'd be happy to go back to work, and then give him a pricelist from a daycare center you consider trustworthy in the area and whatch his eyes bug out. Housecleaning, hey you pick up as you go, no house with kids running around is spotless, that is just not realistic...I think you & your DH just need to learn to communicate better and more lovingly towards each other.

Will he consider going to counseling with you?

~Cat

    Bookmark   August 2, 2008 at 3:10AM
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weed30

Stacie, I'm sorry this is happening again. You posted the same thing last year.

What is troubling is that you specifically mention the same pattern: He calls you stupid, lazy and worthless. He uses the fact that "he makes the money" as a tool. There are probably other things that you don't mention, things that are beating you down emotionally and perhaps making you believe that you are "worthless".

Frankly, he sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. Start reading a little about verbal and emotional abuse. It might provide the answer to what is going on in your marriage.

More info:

Article 1

Article 2

Article 3

((Stacie))

    Bookmark   August 2, 2008 at 11:09AM
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marge727

Stacie, being pregnant with three little kids is an unbelievable and difficult task. You posted last year that you were having problems and I am stunned that you actually are in a worse spot because now there is another baby and your husband is in poor health. I thought I read before that you are a substitute teacher which suggests you have an education.
Do the two of you have any long range plans that you discuss together. Are you both in favor of a large family in a short time? I know that you need sympathy and encouragement right now, but honestly I think you need somebody to give you more practical advice.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2008 at 12:03PM
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catlettuce

Oh dear, I did not realize this was going on for so long nor that there was name calling involved.

I would have to agree that is abuse, verbal & emotional..that most definately would change my thoughts on your situation.

What do you do when your DH speaks to you like that? It's such a tough job being a SAHM, I think a lot of men don't realize how hard you have to work chasing the little ones and running a household.

If he thinks you don't do anything all day then maybe you should drop the kids at daycare, get a job somewhere where you could socialize & enjoy yourself-a bookstore, coffee shop, someplace fun. Then you will have *your* money and he can pay the daycare, since he makes more.

My DH used to say I did nothing around the house (I do work as a nurse) so I stopped doing *nothing* and hired Molly Maids to come and do *nothing* and had them bill DH-needless to say he changed his tune real quick.

Bottom line, don't allow him to disrespect you, you are carrying his child for goodness sakes, he should be pampering you and trying to help.

(I'm telling you though if I had my tubes tied and then still got preggo some Doc would be paying child support that's for sure!)

So you will have 4 young kiddies, I would first of all decide on whether or not you are getting the tubal ligation re-done & decide whether or not you are willing to live like this. You can't change him only what you are willing to accept. You have a education, you can support yourself and your kids, don't accept that treatment from anyone.. (((Hugs)))

    Bookmark   August 3, 2008 at 1:38AM
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suzieque

Stacie - I'm so sorry that things are this way again. When I asked a few months ago how things were this time, given your problems before, you said it was better. I'm very sorry that things have declined.

I can't imagine all that you have to do and also deal with another pregancy and a husband that isn't sensitive to you and finds fault. I have no words of wisdom, just sending ((hugs)).

Suzieque

Here is a link that might be useful: Stacie

    Bookmark   August 3, 2008 at 4:28PM
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scarlett2001

I don't mean to be nosey- but, nosey question- how do people get preg, when tubes are tied? I know that right after a vasectomy, some viable sperm can still be around - is it the same thing?

    Bookmark   August 4, 2008 at 11:07PM
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girlsingardens

Scarlett,

I had a c-section with my 3rd baby so while I was opened up they did the tubal ligation. There is actually something like a 3 percent failure rate on tubals, and before surgery you sign a release form releasing the doctor from responsibility if you would get pregnant and that you understand that there is a risk of pregnancy.

Well today was the day that things really hit me and got to me. My mom was up and told me that my family is concerned about how DH treats me and how I do everything as far as the kids, house, and family are concerned with out much help. When I do get some help it is like we should have a party lol. I told DH I was fed up and physically exhausted and was a step away from calling our minister. Well I did call him and he came over and we talked for some time over the things that were happening, he even had my mom go out and talked to her about things. DH is going to be gone through Sunday but I am hoping that he will go and talk to Mel the minister sometime next week. The things that he doesn't understand are:

The physical effects of pregnancy and breast feeding. Over the past 6 years except for 5 months I have either had a baby in my belly or at the boob. I am physically wore out. Hayden was only 5 months old when I got pregnant and Dr. was the one to recommend the tubal because my body had a hard enough time with the last pregnancy that she didn't know how I could handle another pregnancy, surprise baby comes in November.

The effect of his actions and reactions on our kids as far as his spending time with them and yelling at me and our arguements.

That even though I am a sahm I don't have to to everything for him, that he can help too. And that being a sahm is a job, and one that I work hard at.

That because of my health, mentally, physically and emotionally, he needs to step up.

I will keep everyone posted. He is at a conference all day tomorrow and leaves Thursday for Sturgis bike rally with his younger brother. So will be home alone with 3 kids for 5 days, will be tough. I think that they might go down to my sisters this weekend, and I might have the weekend to myself. Except for an hour this morning when I went to town to the pharmacy and grocery store, I haven't had a free minute with out one kid or another or all for months and I need a break.

I will keep in touch and let everyone know how things are going. I am at the point where it is touch and go and I am just about ready to go.

Stacie
girlsingardens

    Bookmark   August 5, 2008 at 11:50PM
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catlettuce

Oh, Stacie,

I feel so bad for you! How dare he go to Sturgis and leave you to deal with all of the kids & being PG/stressed out!! Where in the world are his priorities?! What did your minister think of the way you are being treated?

Don't you leave, tell him to get the hell out at least it's one less for you to take care of. Your family is right to be concerned, I am too. I glad they are close enough to give you the support your DH seems incapable of..

(((Stacie))) You've got some hard hinking to do. I think you deserve so much better than this.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 1:17AM
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asolo

"...leaves Thursday for Sturgis bike rally...."

Notwithstanding "...his health is getting to him..." he has no trouble taking off on his scoot for 5 days while his PG wife with three kids under 5 stays home.

"...it is his money, I am not doing anything at home, ....I need to get a job..."

Madame, your husband is a serious jerk needing serious straightening out. How that might be accomplished, I can't say with only the info provided but I don't see the wisdom in letting this go on as it has. Discussion? Confrontation? Intervention? blah, blah, blah? Do hope you find something that works. You've described a very unreasonable attitude for a husband and father.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 2:35PM
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popi_gw

Gee, really tough for you Stacie. I can feel how exhausted you must be, you are so vulnerable.

I think you did the right thing talking to the minister.

Do you think your H will ever have any inkling as to what is going on and how tough things are for you ? Does he show any empathy at all ?

Continue on with getting outside help and advice..

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 7:03PM
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