when is it time to go? (LONG one, but please help)
I have been married for four years. The only reason that we got married was because I got pregnant. I absolutely LOVE my son. I feel that he is the reason I was put on this earth. However, my husband and I were never very serious before then and, although I have tried (maybe not hard enough since there's not a great deal of emotional involvement), I cannot see this relationship lasting. The only time we converse away from our son, we end up arguing. He must insist that he right about everything and browbeats me until I have finally had enough and just have to leave the room or the house. It can be something as simple as whether or not a box was broken down when it was thrown out. It doesn't really matter what it is, trying to talk to him about anything is nearly impossible. Once the "conversation" starts, it's like trying to get something away from a pit bull whose jaws are locked tight. It just doesn't happen. If I disagree, if I agree, if I keep silent, if I finally give into screaming back, whatever I do, it has no effect. He told me at one time to just say "OK I hear you", but that makes him mad too. His temper is very quick and can be quite ferocious. He has not hit me though he has threatened me and once came about two and half inches from punching me in the face. When I try to explain to him how I feel, he either ignores me or gives me all of the reasons why it is wrong for me to feel that way. On the rare occasions when we actually speak to each other, he hears nothing that is said. I know taht this is typical of men, but he will actually carry on an entire converstation, repeating back what was said to him and then, he has no clue that we even ahd a conversation. Of course, then I am lying to him just so that I can accuse him of not listening.
When we married, I told my Mom that we would probably be together about ten years and maybe by then, we would have some feelings for each other and would be able to keep it together forever. I can't even see how to make it last five. I have suggested counseling, but he wants no part of it. Since I seem to be the one with all of the problems, why should he waste his time trying to make it work.
Anyway, what really worries me the most is the effect on our son. The time that my husband threatened to hit me (over a wrong turn) my son was in the van with us. It took me twenty minutes to get him out and he was shaking like a leaf. He would not let me go and I ended up sleeping with him that night. The next day, I thought that he was okay, but then, he spent the next week and a half telling strangers at stores, "my Daddy scared the daylights out of me". He NEVER talks to people he doesn't know and rarely to those he only somewhat knows. That's just part of his personality and, in these times, I am glad for it. Every time my husband loses his temper and starts yelling (usually cussing too), my son always ends up upset. Sometimes he is just frightened; sometimes he throws small tantrums. Tonight he actually threw one of his toys at me.
My parents think that everything will be okay if we try hard enough. After all, people used to have arranged marriages that worked. After 47 years of marriage, I can't blame them for their opinion, but they also adore my husband. He does have his good points and I would probably like him a lot if I wasn't living in the same house with him. I have been able to be a stay-at-hom mom which means more to me than almost everything. My parents believe that, because of that, I should be so thankful as to let everything else go. Besides, he helps them out around the house sometimes and, even though he is an alcoholic, that never effects his work or his commitments. In other words, he's a functional alcoholic. Maybe, a lot of my problems with him are due t the alcohol. He is trying to cut back, but this has been going on for so long, I think that it just might be too late. I feel like I should just get out before I end up hating him. I already dislike him. I already feel repulsed by him whenever he touches me (touched me - he knows that I no longer like it when he touches me). Do I keep trying or do I get out why the gettings good?