feeling abused/used by my husband. is it??

verysadAugust 24, 2008

My husband often will come over to my side of the bed after I fall asleep, lift the covers and masturbate next to the bed onto my back/rear. I've woken to find the back of my pants wet several times. He doesnt' know I know what he's doing. I feel used. Is this normal behavior?

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Hmm, Who knows what's normal? What's normal to someone isn't to another, though I understand your dismay at the situation for sure.

Have you told him it bothers you & asked why doesn't he just wake you up if he wants to play? Gotta say I would have to ask..


    Bookmark   August 24, 2008 at 1:01AM
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Well's that a new one.

I'm not sure it's normal, but it doesn't sound that strange. I wouldn't really catogorize it as being used/abused by him. I mean, you're married and at least he's turning to you for his sexual simulation for his mastubation. Would you prefer he use porn when you are not around?

I guess the main problem is... why is he mastubating so often without you? How is your sex life otherwise? Do you think maybe he just doesn't want to wake you? How would you react if he did wake you for sex at those times?

I think sometimes guys just really don't want to go through the whole song and dance routine and just want to get it over with quick. If it's really bothering you, and you can't figure out a reasonable explanation for it, I'd ask him, but I do think with that you may be pushing him to find other avenues of masturbating, some which you may not be so happy with. Have you ever got turned on by it, and thought of joining in when you heard him?

    Bookmark   August 24, 2008 at 1:05AM
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Hi verysad,

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

I'm a married man, and I think that your husband is wrong to be doing that to you. I don't think that this is normal behavior at all, and I would be worried about other strange acts that he could be engaged in.

You need to find a way to tell him that you know what he is doing and ask him to stop. He'll be embarrassed (I hope), but it is your only chance at getting this to end.

Good luck.


    Bookmark   August 24, 2008 at 6:05AM
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There almost isn't any "normal" in matters of sex. I wouldn't be too concerned about the word. The exclusion part is troublesome, however. Seems pretty inconsiderate to me. Also seems as if could be straightened out in mutually satisfactory way if you want to tackle it. Men seem to be perennial orgasm-seekers but I can't imagine any woman being OK with what you've described.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2008 at 1:36PM
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What a husband and wife consent to in their relationship can be considered normal to them. Howeve the OP is not only not consenting to her husband's behavior, she is not supposed to be aware of it.

I can't imagine any woman being ok with what your husband is doing either. It's understandable that you feel used and abused here.

How often is this occurring? How long has this been happening?

Unfortunately, it's possible that your husband is doing this to degrade you. That is very troubling.

Please write again and let us know how you have addressed this situation.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2008 at 11:52PM
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Guess, I'm the odd man out here but I'm seeing this more along the lines of how a guy uses his girlfriend's picture to j.o. Is that all that degrading to his girlfriend even if she doesn't know about it?

Bottom line, he's mastubating. He can get up and use computer porn instead like a lot of "normal" guys do, or he can satisfy himself in the shower while thinking of his hot secretary. He can even have an affair if he's not getting enough. There's a lot of ways and things he can use for stimulation or to satisfy his needs. He's using his wife. Obvious, he's not getting enough to satisfy him the normal way. Maybe he doesn't ask, maybe she doesn't give, who knows. Without knowing what their sex life is like, and if she's turning him down or sick or something, it's hard to point fingers too strongly, IMHO.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 2:13AM
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Two different interpretations come to mind, and they're polar opposites. The one that's the better fit depends on your husband and your marriage.

Option A - He's being considerate really, and if you woke up would say something along the lines of "Sorry - I know it's 2:00 am and I was trying not to wake you up, but I woke up with this raging ... But since you're awake now, maybe we could?..."

Option B - He's being withholding and yes, possibly even degrading. He waited until you fell asleep to get his jollies on without you, and if you wake up, that spoils everything and he'll finish in the bathroom...

I hope for your sake it's Option A...

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 2:02PM
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what athlete said.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 5:14PM
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people sometimes masturbate even if they get enough sex. people do a lot of stuff. so masturbation itself is not troublesome here. even if they do have poor sex life and he does not get enough it would be OK to masturbate but why when she is asleep? the fact that she is sleeping while he wets her back is troubling to me. i would be very upset if that would happen to me and I would address it right away.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 11:09PM
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Tell him how you feel, take a towel to bed and tell him you will give him a hand job rather than what he is doing now, bet he,ll take your offer.

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 3:02AM
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Communication! I can't believe you have pretended not to notice this. "Silence implies consent".

    Bookmark   August 26, 2008 at 10:02PM
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dont feel used,feel flatterd.all men masturbate,even if they getting loads of sex off their women.at least he needs you to orgasm and not some diry mag or porn film or worse an affair.yes to your answer it is normal

    Bookmark   August 27, 2008 at 4:55PM
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"dont feel used,feel flatterd"?????

Really, now, are you a real person or did you just post that to get a response?

'cause it sure worked that way.

Using another person for your own satisfaction, without that person's consent, involvement, or satisfaction, is not "flattering".

It's disrespectful & degrading.

It's using another person as an object.

The guy didn't ask her if this was okay with her,
he's waiting until she's asleep (so she can't say no & yet she can't participate & maybe have some expectations),
& he's using her body to satisfy himself without satisfying her.

Being used in preference to a magazine is not flattering.

If you need a non-participating object for sexual release, I suggest using that magazine or some other object, not a human being.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2008 at 6:10PM
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oh dont be such a boring old prude.I see no harm in what he is doing if it bothers her she should just tell him,simple as that .I dont see it as a big deal

    Bookmark   August 28, 2008 at 4:25AM
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tracystoke, you never cease to entertain.

OP, I would hate it if my husband were doing what yours is. He thinks you don't know what he's doing. You do, so my first advice would be to talk to him about it. It doesn't have to be confrontational. After all, he may be embarassed to have been found out. Maybe not, and maybe he is an ogre. Only you know what his normal personality is.

If, after talking about it, he gets made or doesn't stop or has some other negative reaction, I would seriously advise either professional help or a lawyer. Regardless of the act (which IMO is weird), if he continues to do something to you that you have told him you don't like, that's a big problem.


    Bookmark   August 28, 2008 at 8:54AM
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