am i making more out of this than i should

gracie62August 6, 2010

Hello... am new here but would appreciate any feedback. My husband has been very demanding all through our marriage. I have endured many emotional and verbal abusive episodes and each time he promises he'll do better and is all sweet. On top of that he is very needy and wants me around all the time.Doesn't like it when i do things on his days off likes me to plan my social life when he's working (he works nights.. leaves at 9pm) He also has a few bad habits that are becoming harder to tolerate. He bites the skin off from around his fingers and just drops it on the floor beside his chair. I've asked him numerous times not to do that but he won't stop says it's no big deal. Does the same in the car. I personally think it's disgusting. Another bad habit he does is he doesn't want to waste water by flushing the toilet after urinating, the other he will. He feels it's a waste of water but i hate it as we have 4 sons and i don't want them to think it's ok. I've voiced my concerns so he says if you;re more affectionate i'll stop. He does if i'm extra nice to him but as soon as he thinks he's not getting enough attention He is very needy ) he stops flushing the toilet which is gross because it's close to the kitchen.

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This is not "demanding", it's abusive.

Wanting you around all the time may be based in neediness, but it's all about controlling you;
insisting that you are available whenever he's home is controlling;
& abusive incidents followed by "honeymoon" periods in which the abuser promises to do better & is all sweet are classic parts of the abuse cycle.

"he says if you;re more affectionate i'll stop. He does if i'm extra nice to him but as soon as he thinks he's not getting enough attention He is very needy ) he stops flushing the toilet"

Oddball as it sounds, that's classic too;
forcing you to choose between 2 repugnant options (be "affectionate" to a gross person or endure his even grosser habits) is a way to humiliate & abase you, to tear you down until you are entirely under his control.

That's when the physical abuse starts.

There's no cure for abusiveness;
the perpetrators enjoy it too much, they get a kick out of it, & they *need* to do it to prop up their own sense of worth.

Get outta there & take your sons with you.

Remember, children learn what they see.

If you don't get them away from this horror, you can count on cleaning up their dead cuticles & flushing the toilet behind them as well.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 5:06PM
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Sounds like you know this is not an ideal situation.

You are not making more out of this than you should. You are spot on to be concerned about your family life.

Sylvia is accurate in her description of your family life.

Please seek a consellor to help you work on ways of solving the issues.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2010 at 12:12AM
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How about making the simple declarative statement of:
"I don't want to be married to a man who leaves pieces of dead skin on the floor and won't flush the toilet."

If that doesn't work, your follow up would be:
"I don't want to be married to a man who cares so little for my feelings that places his 'right' to drop pieces of dead skin and not flush the toilet over my happiness."

Because that is what he's doing...

    Bookmark   August 7, 2010 at 9:50PM
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Just for fun, google Bipolar and see if you recognize your husband...

    Bookmark   August 8, 2010 at 4:20PM
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From experience, I can tell you that "working nights" makes you crazy unless you're an extremely exceptional person. It puts you out-of-synch with the rest of world -- and the people in it. From your description, I have little doubt it's all mixed up together.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2010 at 7:33PM
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