Mr. Know-it-all

scarlett2001July 21, 2008

And I'm sure there are Ms. Know-it-alls, too.

I wonder how I ever lived my life before I had DH to tell me how to do everything:

How to load the dishwasher and clothes washer (stuff in as much as you can and expect it to get clean)

How to brush my teeth (you don't really need to use toothpaste, it's wasteful!)

How to raise my daughter (from a previous marriage. She's 23, finishing college, engaged to young doctor and working full time. His two kids have 5 divorces among them and a few drug busts. His daughter has had her kids removed from her care by the state.)

How to weed my garden, how to feed the pets, how to drive the car, etc. etc. Can you believe I ever lived to adulthood without his endless tutoring? What is it with some men, they have to know everything about everything, even when they clearly don't know sunshine from Shinola!

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Ah! I do pity you this situation. Would be very aggravating for me.

I'm a guy, but I do know exactly what you mean. The husbands among several couples I know just about make my teeth itch to be around them and watch how they interact with (criticize and dominate) their wives over dishwashers and laundry. Sometimes even the cooking. Really discouraging to observe. Makes me uncomfortable just to be around it even though I'm the target of it myself.

My SO and I are "of an age" and both quite opinionated about how many things should be done. When issues come up, we discuss them rationally and decide how we'll do things. The logic of it typically leads to its own solution. In the rare instances where we don't agree, I agree to do it her way if I'm going to do it and even ask her if I'm doing it the way she wants. If there's confusion or resistance, I stop and allow her to do it the way she wants. She does the same with me. We don't have discussions about one or the other doing something "wrong". We seek the "best" way or the way that the other approves of. The result is both of us are confident the other is accomplishing the task and being considerate of the other's opinions about it. And both of us have learned the other is, in fact, smarter about some things. That's not resistance; it's education. The work gets done and the relationship is strengthened. Works for us.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 5:32PM
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Um....meant "even though I'm NOT the target....." Wish the sight had an edit function. Also wish I could type.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 5:37PM
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My husband is Jewish....nuff said:)

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 6:24PM
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If he knows how to do all those things better than makes sense that he should do them !

My DH said the other day - "the bathroom floor is getting dirty" - like that statement will get it clean.

I think Men always know how to do things better than us gals and we should acknowledge this and learn from it. NOT.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 6:54PM
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My sister married that kind of man. He put 25 watt bulbs in all the lights, told her which grocery stores to go to, gave her a list of things to buy, told her where to put them in the cabinets. He made her leave off the A/C until he came home. He actually boarded it up one time and when their kids came over for dinner they were all dripping sweat. My Sis picked up a hammer, her husband yelled, "what are you going to do?". She took off the boards and turned on the air, this was after they had been married a few years. When my mother went to visit while my sis was pregnant, she had nothing fit to sit on. My very pregnant sis was sitting on a sofa that almost sank to the floor when you sat on it. Mom went out and bought her a recliner and told the son in law to stay out of it. She was young and adjusted to it. He told both of their sons, to marry young women, that way they could train them and control them and that is what he did to my Sis.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 8:20PM
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Ah, Asolo, they broke the mold when they made you!

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 8:28PM
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For which many are grateful!

    Bookmark   July 21, 2008 at 8:54PM
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I don't understand how you could handle that. I am a very independent person. I am married and my husband made the mistake one time and told me how to do laundry. I just looked at him said uhh thanks been doing my kids and my laundry forever now but since you think I don't do it right knock your self out. I did everyone elses laundry for a month and would not touch his. He learned quick. You really need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you can think for yourself and you have a brain.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2008 at 11:49PM
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Age doesn't make it any better!!! At 77, my husband is still a "know it all"....and when I try to suggest something different that what/how he is doing something, he gets so angry. I have no right to an opinion...because he has all the answers!!!! I don't know if it is because he is 11 years older than I am (66), that he feels that he is my "father" and I have no right to ever disagree with him. We have only been married 8 years.....but long years~~~

I was widowed for 25 years before we were married and who in the heck does he think made all the decisions raising 3 small children, educating them, and while taking on the responsibility to work full time and even had a new home built, as well as took full responsibility for all my finances????....but now I know NOTHING!

I try to stand up for myself, but he goes into this "silent treatment" and completely ignores me, but still expects me to get the meals on the table...he comes, eats, and then heads for his "24/7 friend", the TV watching old movies or sports. I spend a lot of time on these forums and emails just to have something to do. I am disabled or I would go back to work and move on with my life.

On top of everything, his son embezzled the company money and my husband just kept reimbursing the account until he has nothing left....lien on our house, took my money out of my account (because I made the mistake of putting his name on it), so now I feel stuck here....can't get my half of my hard earned money out of this house to locate to another city......but I have wonderful kids/grandkids and that is my only hope in living.

So to you "young" gals, it doesn't get any better with age.

    Bookmark   September 21, 2008 at 9:19PM
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OMG that is really scary! Did DH pay back all the embezzled money? Is the drain continuing? Will his son at least pay back your money? Do you live in a community property state? Do you get disability insurance? Not to be nosey, but this sounds serious. I would see a lawyer, PDQ.

You know, the Silent Treatment isn't really so bad...I kind of don't mind it.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2008 at 9:27PM
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You are right, this is darned scary to me!!!!
DH and sons owned the business (DH had 51%, controlling interest)...he COMPLETELY trusted #1 son to take care of all the finances....well he took care of them okay, transferred money for over 10 years (to the tune of 400,000+) to his and his wife's personal account. When the business account got too low to pay bills, he told DH that they needed more money, and like the "fool" he was, DH would cash stocks he had in the market and cover the bills....this just kept going on and on and on, until DH is completely drained!!!...came to me for a loan to cover some immediate bills and I refused......thus, we are not on very good terms right now, but I am not going to feed a dead horse!!! I don't know where he got the money (perhaps from his daughter), but hasn't brought it up again...for which I am thankful. If it had been for something that HE needed, I would have done it in a heartbeat, but not for the company.

#1 son left the office one day, left his dad a note and "sounded" like he was going out to "do himself in" and DH got scared....went searching for him and told #1 son that no amount of money was worth him doing now, I guess the son feels he is completely forgiven.

DH will not press charges....although son has a huge expensive house (which probably company paid for) filled with expensive furnishings, his wife drives an Escalate, has a BMW convertible, he drives a Suburban, they have a new Jeep for the son to drive, big boat, travel trailer, take lavish vacations, get the picture~~ and nothing being done to ever mention "repaying" his dad.

#1 son has completely gone through all the inheritance of not only him, but his other brother and sister as well as what his had worked for all his life....although DH has not taken a paycheck from the company for years.

I had a revocable trust established before I ever met DH...we have only been married 8 years, so the attorney said that since everything I have except, the house we own, should be safe. The state has a lien on our house (because of DH's ownership) for unpaid sales and withholding taxes......but half of this house is MINE because I put the money I had from a previous house and cashed CDs to pay for my half....that is the only property we own together....everything else is in our individual trusts.

I do get SS for being disabled...that is a small retirement from through the school system.

I am really down and depressed....can't hardly make it from one day to another, but with God's help, I'll make it through this mess....but my health is suffering badly from it. But going through the motions of living together and not speaking is about more than I can take....sometimes I think it was better being alone than trying to live in this mess........but where can I go or do? This house is tied up with the lien and I can't get my money until the business building is sold to satisfy the until then, I just try to put one foot in front of the other and keep plugging along.......but to be truthful, that bottle of pills looks awfully good at times~~~~~~but then I think of my kids/grandkids and would not want to bring them anymore heartache....I know what they continue to go through losing their dad when they were so terribly young.

All prayers are appreciated.....they sure couldn't hurt.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2008 at 11:35AM
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Big hugs & prayers to you!

I can totally see myself ending up in the same predicament as you. That is why I'm taking a travel job to get me away from here as I can't even think clearly I am so angry at DH & SS's much of the time.

If the building sells will you then be paid back for your half of the house? And is it an option for you to go live with one of your kids til this is settled?


    Bookmark   September 23, 2008 at 12:07PM
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Shore up, Phoggie, we're here for ya! The good folks common sense advice and support on this forum have helped me more than the marriage counseor, many times.

I would like to suggest again that you do see a lawyer. Seems to me that you still have one more chance to redeem your financial situation, but you could get rooked again. If you can't afford a lawyer, maybe you could get a referral for a low cost legal clinic? Frankly, your DH doesn't sound very trust worthy.

    Bookmark   September 23, 2008 at 3:02PM
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Hi Cat & Scarlett~~~
Big thanks for your support....and it makes me so happy to get it from people I do not really know....that is wonderful.

What is the saying? "Blood is thicker than water"....well that is certainly the case here.....#1 Son can still do no wrong....but I get the blunt of DH's anxiety!

I spent yesterday with my good, but oldie friends and relatives in my former town.....had lunch with my son, had a meeting with my financial planner....moved some stocks (which DH thinks was stupid), but I just can not let my principal slide....I may need that sooner than later. Then I got to visit a couple of dear friends as well as my sister-in-law.....didn't get back home until dark.......but even thought of just keep on going!!!!

Oh course, I came home to "silence"....but have accepted that is the way it will probably be around here until one of us "gives".....and I am tired of the one always doing the giving~~~but not a pleasant way to live.

Cat~~ If the office sells, that should satisfy the states unpaid taxes, then it should release the lien from our house and we can put it on the market, but heaven knows how long it will be before it will more than stinks here. A realtor said that only 1 house in our price range has sold in about 3 doesn't sound promising....and can't afford to "give it away".

Thanks again for your hugs and prayers....never get too may of them when one is hurting~~

    Bookmark   September 24, 2008 at 10:12AM
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Keep your chin up.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2008 at 4:32PM
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Phoggie - it seems to me that the "silent treatment" would represent an improvement in your situation! Silence and be comforting; try to learn to embrace it, or fill it in with your own, positive, mental dialog.


    Bookmark   October 4, 2008 at 10:38PM
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My friend's friend got smart with her and my friend called her on it. Later my friend said, "I don't know why she talks to me like that". I told her because you let her. Women need to learn to stop stuff like that, me included. No one talks to me like that now, but I was silent for to many years when I could have had a more peaceful life by putting a stop to it.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 3:31PM
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LOL. My dh calls them KIAs, poor car company there. I know we sort of all are KIAs just the degree changes. I guess when all is said and done what my dh said works. If your heart is not in the thing you are not do it. Wonder when I will try that?

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 4:29PM
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Phoggie - according to my husband, I have no right to argue if I know I'm wrong; I also don't know how to communicate, and I just "exist" (even though I hold a full-time job and handle the family finances).

Not a good day today.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2008 at 12:03PM
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These messages made me so sad! Phoggie, I hope things are going better for you. Scarlett, I hope your DH realizes how capable you are. Cheerful, I hope you're having a better day.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2008 at 3:47PM
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Silversword - unfortunately, no I'm not having better days.

I still don't know how to communicate and I just "exist", according to my husband.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 7:57AM
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Cheerful, I'm sorry to hear that! Have you tried to talk with him about how those statements make you feel? Is this recent or has something changed?

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 9:41AM
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We've had ongoing problems. The "just existing" statement is current.

When I tell him how something makes me feel, he says I have no right to be upset since I caused the problem in the first place.

So does that mean when you have a fight with your husband, you have no right to be upset since it's perceived that you started it?

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 11:25AM
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I think everyone has the right to their feelings even if they are not logical or the reason those feelings exist is because they were caused by oneself.

When my DH and I have disagreements (usually I am snappy for one reason or another) I look really deep to see what is making me feel so angry toward him. Usually it's my own b.s. that I am projecting onto him. But sometimes it's not. When I am upset, if I approach him calmly, we can talk through our feelings together without having a blowout.

If your husband constantly says your feelings aren't valid, he is invalidating your humanity. It doesn't matter if you are crying because your shirt is ruined (and the reason it is ruined is you dropped the sauce all over it). You feel bad. If he loves you, he will want you to feel better. No matter who caused the problem.

If someone starts a fight, then gets upset, they need to look at why they are fighting, and instead of fighting turn it into discussing. If possible. Sometimes it's not possible!!!

But Cheerful, just on the basis of your short post I'd say your husband has something else going on, unless this is the man you married consciously? Someone who does not care about your feelings and blames you for your own unhappiness?

    Bookmark   November 25, 2008 at 2:26PM
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Phoggie, I am so sorry that you are in such a bad situation. Thank god for the internet, huh? I am 48 but remember intensely when I was a young girl and my mom was married to a controlling jerk. Our house was silent and I hated that. I left before the age 18, LOL.

I am a pretty up-beat, cheerful person (usually). But today I got pretty annoyed at this inept guy at the bank. I called a week ago to make sure that I had all my ducks in a row and was told that the bank only needed to see certain paperwork, etc. in order to endorse a check for some major hail damage that our house suffered. Sorry, if I didn't explain that properly but I'm not trying to bore you with my hail damage story! I just want to assure you that I called ahead of time and made sure I wasn't wasting my time. So when we get to the bank the banker said, oh, if the check is over twenty thousand dollars then we need to get an inspector, etc.

I said, I called last week and this was not mentioned. I did mention what storm caused this damage and in our area we know this was a major, major storm with loss of life, etc. and probably the majority of checks were over this amount. He started to tell me the scenario with checks under that amount and I cut him off and said, I'm not interested. Just tell me specifically about MY situation and MY check.

Well, after we left with the ever-so-helpful 1-800 number (yeah, that really helps me get an appointment with a local inspector) my hubby was real mad at me.

I don't think I was rude, I think I was right to the point. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon and this guy wants to waste my time telling me about a scenario that has nothing to do with my check. I reminded my husband that no other corporation or entity has made more money off of us than the bank that holds our mortgage. And if I want to ask for the name and number of the inspector that has come between us and the over twenty thousand dollar check then I will ask for that number.

I am tired of not being supported when I get a little cranky. I told him he should take my side, not only when I'm sweet polly pure bread but when I can assert myself. If a man would have asked to cut to the chaste he would have seemed more professional or managerial. Me = BI*CH!

We were invited to a party tonight at his brothers. He showered and got ready while I watched tv. When he asked if I wasn't going to get ready I said I'm staying home. Why don't you get that lame banker to go the party and then go to bed with you? Needless to say, he slammed the door!

    Bookmark   November 29, 2008 at 10:14PM
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