Wacky marriage counselor

scarlett2001July 27, 2007

If any of you read my other post, "Why do people even bother to get married" you already know the problem - my husband bores me. You have heard the term "bored to tears" well, that's about it.

So yesterday we went to a marriage counselor. I thought she would see us together but she saw us separately. I told her right up front how I felt and she suggested that I find a "lover". I told her our sex life is not the problem, but she said I need an outside person that I can talk to and relate to intellectually, not a love/sex partner.

Don't you think that is weird? Do you think she's testing me? Are they supposed to say things like that??

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Good grief Scarlett--I would worry what she told your husband. Did she see him first?
You and I are both in California and you can put up your sign and become a "marriage counselor" with very little training. You cannot say you are a psychologist unless you are of course.
So, yes, she is a bit nutty-- and she may be hitting on your husband.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2007 at 7:51PM
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Very, very odd indeed...

I'm assuming you asked her some variety of "What? Why on earth would you suggest that!?"

Did she offer any other reasons than someone to talk to?

    Bookmark   July 27, 2007 at 8:14PM
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Run, don't walk. If it went down as you described you've got a real loser for a counselor. Find another.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2007 at 11:57PM
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Scarlett, it sounds like your intuition tells you that this "counselor" isn't going to work for you. In order to be licensed as a marriage and family therapist in California (the ones with MFCC after their names), one must have extensive clinical experience, pass a standardized licensing exam, and have numerous hours of supervision. That said, though, counselors can come in a variety of specializations and schools of thought. In my line of work I frequently make referrals to therapists and psychologists, and I always suggest that people a) take the time to visit more than one counselor if they don't feel like the first one is a fit - everyone's different, and finding a good match (for both spouses) is key to success in therapy; and b) try to get personal referrals from friends - those can often be good leads. Also, reputable clinicians consider it unethical for a therapist to tell a client what he/she/they should do or what their problem is after one meeting. A quality therapist should facilitate the process of people discovering things for themselves.

I hope you don't feel too discouraged after this first interchange, and I think it's great you took that step. I encourage you to keep at it until you find the one that's right for you both.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 2:17AM
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Well, I can say I've heard of even reputable counselors suggesting cheating. Can't say I've ever agreed with it. I just don't agree with the concept that finding stimulation, -intellectual or otherwise- outside of your relationship is a good idea in the long run. Esp. since the issue is that you're bored with your husband. Won't he still be boring when you get home from your outing with the "Other Man?"

Anywho - I agree with halfdecaf... if you think she's a nutbag, it's just not going to work. Finding someone you trust sounds like it will be trial and error thing.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2007 at 9:19AM
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Well, DH really likes this counselor. He only went along for my sake since HE isn't unhappy and I sense he thinks this is just some kind of nutty feminine whim on my part, so he went to humor to me - now if I say I don't want to go to her again, he will say how unreasonable I'm being.

Today he began launching into a review of the movie Batman. Now I knew he was good for about 45 minutes on Batman and first of all, I don't even care for that type of movie, so I said, as nicely as I could, that I don't care to hear a Batman review, and let's talk about something else, okay? And he said, "Well, you're GOING to hear about it," and I sort of lost it and said "No, I'm not!" So then he told me I was rude. How polite do married people have to be? Is it mandatory to sit there with a glazed expression for the rest of my natural life? This is not a sometimes thing, it's all freaking day long.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2007 at 1:45AM
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Well I guess you listen to the other person because its important to them, and then they listen to you because its important to you.

But there has to be some happy medium to when you stop the yabbering, if the other person is clearly not interested.

I have interests that I dont talk about to my DH, because he just wouldnt understand, so I think, I need to talk to like-minded people.

But I guess you have to have some similar interests, that you both enjoy talking about.

You must have some things in common, don't you ?

I would not want to listen to a diatribe about Batman.

I think you can listen with a glazed expression sometimes, but more than once a day is exceeding the rules !

Scarlett, you are having a tough time aren't you, I am really sorry, I hope you can find some glimmer of happiness in your situation.


    Bookmark   July 30, 2007 at 4:01AM
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I have never been in marriage counseling but I read an article written by a psychologist specialzed on marrital problems.

She did say that finding some wild stuff on the side is good for a relationship. I am serious. It is sick to say the least

    Bookmark   July 30, 2007 at 4:59PM
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Perhaps she should reflect on "The Golden Rule". Do unto others as you would want done to yourself. So if we look at it from that perspective, can any woman actually believe that her marriage would be so much better if her husband had an affair behind her back? Of course not, so why in the world would anyone actually believe that an affair would be a good thing for her marriage and her relationship with her husband. I too would be concerned about the so called advice she is giving your husband.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2007 at 7:56PM
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