A new one for you, Does it matter how many guys she's slept with?

emoticon742July 19, 2012

Hi all,

I wanted to get your opinion on something. I'm back. Still seeing the same girl and so far it's going really well. We've had several talks about stuff, including the cheating. She knows how I feel about cheating. We talked about it, and put it behind us. I don't bring it up all the time, because it's not fair to bring it up. It's in her past, and now we need to focus on us.

I'm torn about something though. I don't know how many guys she's slept with. I'm not sure I want to know. But as I get to know her you know, I do a mental tally in my head, oh there was this guy, and this guy, and oh yeah, that guy.

I've been with 16 girls myself (including her). Is that a lot? (I'm in my 30's). She is 32. Does it matter? How do you all feel about this topic?

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I can guarantee you one thing....after you've grilled her about the cheating, which is in the past, if you now start asking her all kinds of questions about her sexual past, she'll perceive you (right or wrong) as being possessive and controlling and most likely run for the hills.

You guys are in your 30s...it's expected that you "have a past". What number is acceptable? What if her number is higher than yours? Will you be ok with that? But it's ok for yours to be higher since you're a guy? Can we say double standard? Unless you get an answer from here that is very low, I would think, you won't be happy....

For what it's worth, when I met my (now ex) wife, she was 22, and had been in a 4 yr relationship and her "number" was a whopping "3". I was 29, had been to college and then been on my own for 7 years after that before meeting her...my number was, I actually don't know, probably in the 40s if I had to guess.

Guess which one of us turned out to be faithful, and which one of us had multiple affairs?

Let it go...focus on the present.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2012 at 4:53PM
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yeah you're right. That's why I said "I'm not sure I want to know". I think I'm better off not knowing. You're right it is such a HUGE double standard too, but I've always been bothered by it. Less so now that I'm older, but still a little bit. But it's nice to hear other people say "It doesn't matter". I needed to hear that.

Damn, 40s... Big pimpin. LOL. Anyway, like I said, good to hear others say it doesn't matter. And I know with my 16, that's probably a pretty low number for a guy my age. And you're right, it will just bring up more issues between us. I am happy right now and should focus on the present.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2012 at 6:36PM
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If I I was her, I'd be shopping for the running shoes that would transport me to the hills.

You sound to me like you are very insecure and you're looking for a way to push her away because, in your heart of hearts, you don't believe you deserve a good relationship. I'd suggest you focus on learning to like yourself instead of focusing on ways to push this girl (or any other) away. Questions like the one you are considering are guaranteed to build a wall...but maybe that's what you want.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2012 at 5:53AM
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Do you know I never knew, not in 11 years, how many women he was with? I did ask once or twice, but he always evaded the answer. I never cared to know all that much, so I let it go.

Why know it? No point in it really.


    Bookmark   July 20, 2012 at 9:22AM
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That's funny. I don't want to know. What the heck would you do with that number anyway? Obsess over it, most likely. And do we count any form of sexual interaction? Because I know a lot of girls in my high school and college were "technical virgins"...

jus' sayin'

    Bookmark   July 20, 2012 at 11:04AM
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Thanks all. Except JMC you have it wrong. I'm not insecure, but in the past it's always come up. I used to want to know in the past, but in this case I don't feel like I want to know. Like most of you said, what will I do with the info? Nothing but obsess over it and let it drive a wedge between us. Maybe JMC had one thing right, and that is maybe I AM trying to put up a wall between us. It's not that I don't believe I DESERVE a good relationship, it's that I've been burned too many times. I know I deserve a good woman, and WANT a good woman. Like I said, I just don't want to be hurt again, so I'm searching for the red flags. If I didn't care to have my heart broken again, I'd just jump right in and not worry about any of this.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2012 at 2:56PM
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Seems to me you are looking for the flaw and not the diamond...

I would guess that if she is in her 30's and her "number" is very low, that may indicate a lack of interest in sex, not a good sign for you. Unless she just left the convent or something, a certain amount of past sexual experience is healthy and desireable. It's the 21st century, Queen Victoria is gone. (By the way, she had a huge bunch of kids, so I guess she was into it.)

    Bookmark   July 20, 2012 at 11:37PM
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The way I see it is we don't DESERVE anything in life. All the "good" things we get are a gift.

So I think it might be good for you to have a shift in your thoughts about your girlfriend. You will never know if your heart is destined to be broken. You can't possibly know the future. So don't even think about it.

You can just live each moment with her making her the most important person. If it doesn't work out - you know you have always done your best.

The past is not important. Forget about talking about it, or knowing how many people she has been with.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2012 at 3:35AM
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The ONLY way to learn how to trust.....

Is to trust.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2012 at 5:02AM
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This is just a wild stab, but when you were growing up, did your father or another male in your life tell you that women are not to be trusted? Because it seems like you have this script in your thoughts.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2012 at 1:44AM
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Thanks again. We spent all weekend together and I didn't find myself wondering how many guys. I just enjoyed the time (and the great sex) and forgot about it. Scarlett is right, if she weren't interested in sex, that wouldn't be good for me. I guess I found myself wondering because she is so damn good at it, but she's not totally kinky, so I know she has a limit. This means that perhaps it is a healthy number, but not TOO healthy. But again, it's all in the past and me guessing about it will get nobody anywhere.

Scarlett, nobody told me not to trust, but I watched my mom take advantage of my dad until he finally cheated and left. They were both to blame in that, him for allowing her to run his life, and her for taking him for granted. But I think that may be where some of it comes from. I find I often let my girlfriend's take over my life as well, similarly to what he did. That's something I plan to change with this relationship.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2012 at 12:18AM
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I applaud you for recognizing that and vowing not to do it. Yet it isn't always easy to get these early messages out of our heads. We are so young when we get impressions about man/woman relationships from our parents.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2012 at 2:35AM
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