Need Help

adonysJuly 5, 2006

I have been married to my husband for 7 years been together for 9. My husband plays the game World of Warcraft. Last year he started talking to a girl on the game. They started emailing, and calling each other. He made plans to meet her but decided not to go.

I started playing the game to try to help out our marriage. We never did anything together. I started talking to the girl and was trying to be friends with her (I didn't know what was going on between them at the time.)

One night we were fighting I was on the computer and decide to check our email. There was an email to her with a picture with things that shouldn't have been said. I confronted him about it. Thats when he spilled the beans about everything.

He told me that it would never happen again. That he was sorry that it got as far as it did. We still play Warcraft. He will not give it up. He started talking to another girl. He asked her to start IMing him during the day so the day would go faster at work. They have emailed each other several times. He says that its nothing that I can read everything. When I do he gets mad at me for spying.

I am afraid that its starting all over again. I dont trust him. I have not had any real trust since last year. We have 2 children. I love him deeply. I dont know what to do.

He has given me the choice of trusting him with this girl or leaving. He refuses to stop talking to her or IMing her to make me feel better. What should I do?

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You say he is giving you a choice, but in actuality he is not giving you a choice. Trust is not something you just say GIVE ME, it is something that is earned, he has not earned it. Get counseling if he will, or you need to decide, do you want to share him with another woman or not (yes he is having an affair, just maybe not physical YET). You need to decide how much you will take and what your limits are. I always told my husband he could always have an affair, he just could NEVER walk through my door again when he did, and he knows I mean it!!!


    Bookmark   July 5, 2006 at 4:03PM
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If you think there is any possibility that you might break up, before telling your husband you have decided to leave, it would be smart to consult a lawyer and have clear what possessions you hold in common and what your share would be. Take the right steps so that if the worst happens, you and your children will be taken care of.

If there is not plenty of money, it would also be wise to consider what sort of job you might be able to get. If you have special skills or training, that's good, but if not, get some job counseling and consider getting training now so that you can find a job to help support the children if necessary. Find out what fields need workers; don't just go with something you think you might like, even if there is little job potential in it.

One thing that struck me about your post is that your husband apparently promised not to do the same thing again, and then he did do it again; yet he has the nerve to be angry with you and claim you ought to trust him. It is good to love him and want to save the marriage, but at the same time, lack of trust and respect--which will certainly be a problem with a philandering, untrustworthy husband--usually ends up eroding love in the long run.

If he simply needs an IM buddy to help pass the time at work, he could have a male buddy, couldn't he? Something is definitely wrong, and not just wrong with the situation, something is seriously wrong with his love for you, his loyalty, his reliability, his honesty, and--very likely--his morals. Not all men are like him.

I hope that, one way or another, you will find peace and happiness. Keep us posted. We care.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2006 at 10:45PM
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Well I found out today that he changed all the passwords on his email accounts. He says he has nothing to hide. To me that is saying he does if he doesn't want me looking at it. I am more confused then I ever was. It upsets me very badly.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2006 at 1:18PM
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Not necessarily, but very likely. I can imagine someone changing his/her passwords just on principle, but this is a man who has refused to stop talking to or IM-ing the newest woman and told you he didn't care if you read his emails, so why change the passwords now? You can probably assume that he does have things he doesn't want you to read. On the other hand, he had the option of secretly setting up a secret new email account to communicate with her--there are several companies that offer free email (Lycos, Hotmail, Juno, Netzero, to name the ones I am familiar with), so perhaps it is fortunate that he chose to change his passwords instead and thereby has alerted you to certain possibilities about his activities.

By the way, is he able to read all *your* emails, including the ones you may get from your friends at GardenWeb? If so, I wouldn't be surprised if he were doing it, considering how he has shown himself to be lacking in any sense of honor.

Just in case he reaches the point of being physically unfaithful to you (and you may not even know it if he is), you should insist on protection and possibly even get tested for STDs. This is a dangerous age we live in, with AIDS and other nasty things floating around. I have never forgotten reading once, "Remember, in a sense you are having sex with every other person your partner has had (unprotected) sex with. And when you think that those other people may also have had multiple partners who in turn had multiple partners, you can see how great the danger may be.

Take good care of yourself. Your husband's actions are making you feel bad and probably hurting your self-image, but it is he who is wrong. Tell yourself you deserve better treatment and hold your head up.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2006 at 3:26PM
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One thing he should be made aware of. That little honey on the other end of cyberspace is not what he thinks she is. She is alluring because of where she is and because of her mystery. If he does make the mistake of meeting her and trying to have a relationship with her, he will regret it and come whining back to you.

Also, is there any chance you can get 'too busy' so you can have him shoulder more of the responsibilities in relation to the kids? If he spends more time with the children, he'll likely start to realize what he could be missing if he does something stupid. And they could provide him with a diversion that could make the game seem not so important (and the cyber chick as well). So rather than continuing in confrontation, see if you can find a way to divert his attention to something more important.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2006 at 8:13AM
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Grown man with wife and children who's into computer games and cyber-honey's? Arguments and passwords to boot? This is no game. You're married to an infant. Better start making plans.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2006 at 10:55AM
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