icarisJuly 11, 2007

well its simple, enough to figure out. with all our problems set aside and things becoming more back to normal, sex, is still absent. i know most think of men as a constant sex thing thats all we think about, well in this occasion, this not be the point.

my wife and i have not had sex for about 3 maybe 4 months now, its frustrating. she has no inclination of wanting it.

we all have needs, but somthing has to give. and when we do have it, its more like a ritual. i need some advice or something to bring back the spunk we once had. sex use to be exciting for us, now its just "ok lets get over with it" . anyones advice or opinions will be greatly appreciated, even any ideas to bring sex back into our lives will help. personal experiences that worked for you and you are willing to share to help are appreciated too. if you don't want to post the response here send it to my email.

thank you all for your help!!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

What does she say about it when you bring up the topic?

Is she taking medication(s)?

    Bookmark   July 11, 2007 at 3:46PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

well to answer your question, no she is not on any meds. her response to the subject when its brought up, well heres an example. she said her neck hurts, so i said get the massage oil and ill rub your neck. her response was, no because that will lead to sex..??!!!??
so now im thinking to myself, whats the problem? so the subject isn't brought up that much anymore. i don't know what to do?

    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 7:23AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ooooo. Don't like this at all. Straight-up situation with nothing to blame it on. No cause to identify.

Does she say she doesn't like sex or doesn't like sex with you or what has changed? Does she know how this troubles you? Does she care?

Have you got a deal-breaker here?

    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 9:38AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

dont get me wrong, she likes sex with me. there has never been any complaints about that.
she is just never in the mood i guess. she even went to the dr's about it. from my understanding she said that its just a hormonal thing, and that most women in the age of 30 lose interest until their 40's when it kicks back in or something.. the dr also said its just the oposite for men, were more active in our 30's then we are in 40's. who knows???

    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 10:10AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"...she likes sex with me."

"...she is just never in the mood..."

Guess you can tell where I might be going with that comparison. Pretty big mismatch there.

So, you feel like waiting 10 years to find out if the Dr. was right and her hormones kick in again.....or whatever? I think you're getting snowed.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 10:54AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have to say that sex isn't always intercourse. The everyday nice things you do for your partner can be considered foreplay and I don't mean touching.

Do you just come up to her and say, "How about a little roll in the Hay"? Or do you mention that she looks pretty that day? Maybe give her a quick peck on the cheek for no reason? Do you ask her how her day went? And then listen to her answer?

Frankly, if my husband only touched me in anticipation of sex, I'd find it a complete turnoff. I think most women would want some "courting" in addition to physical sex. Women think and respond differently than men do. Sex isn't just physical, it's between the ears and it's the perception of the way another person views you.

If you do something nice for her with the expectation of a physical reward and that's the only time you do something special for her.. you're not going to get the results you want.

You mentioned the oil and the neck massage and what she said. I think you both are at the point that you expect sex after any kind of physical touch and she wants simple touching for the non-sexual comfortable feeling it gives her.

Touch her shoulder, give her a light kiss, pay her a compliment and do this without expecting it will lead to more. It may lead to good things for you if she sees you have no ulterior motives for more. Changes will not happen overnight; be patient and don't rush things.

However, if you're doing all of the nice, sweet things and she's still not responding then you do have a big problem to deal with and she may not be telling you the whole story.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 11:32AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree with monoblair. It's not about bringing home flowers so you can get sex; it's about bringing home flowers just because. Let her know you don't expect anything in return from your romantic gestures and touches.

Some other things to consider. Is she maybe afraid of getting pregnant?

Also, if you could help her with the housework, things may really go well for you. Believe it or not, she probably really is tired and maybe not able to get into it because of that. If you can help take away some of the physical demands she has, she may feel more relaxed and want to have sex. Again, don't expect sex because you do the work....but, if you continue to help her (a lot) so that she can sit down and really relax in front of the tv or read a book, she may be more prone to be in the mood. Then again, after cleaning the toilet, putting away laundry, doing dishes and baking cookies, you may not still be in the mood -- LOL. I know it sounds stereotypical, but if you really want a solution, and you don't think your wife is having any other real health problems, it's probably just that she's overwhelmed/overworked with her life. Make it easier on her; make sure she has some time everyday to unwind.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 3:34PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yep, I have to agree with the girls, here, (suprise!).

Increase you attention on your wife, be nice to her.

Notice and say her hair looks nice when she has it cut.

Offer to cook the dinner, or take her out, or even better go and get the takeaway food, whilst she stays at home and has a hot shower.

When she objects to your giving her a neck massage, on the grounds of what it will lead to, say "only a massage and then I will stop".

Clean up after yourself.

Do a load of washing.

Do the ironing.

Do the shopping.

Buy her her favourite book.

Pay for some drawing lessons, because she has always wanted to do that.

So many things you could do to make her feel loved, and special.

It may take time, but eventually she will come around and see you for the wonderful person you are, and not just someone who wants to have a roll in the hay.

Maybe you are already this wonderful husband who does all these things...I am sorry for assuming you aren't.

A bit of romance goes a long way.

I find my DH very sexy when he is taking my children out and leaving me at home to read !


    Bookmark   July 12, 2007 at 10:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

i have to agree with all of you, and thank you all for the input, but the things i don't understand is that im more of a good husband than meets the eye,
at my house, im the cook, the maid and i do the laundry, i clean, i give her compliments, i bring her flowers almost daily. (without expectations of sex)
i do all the nice and things at my own, and don't expect anything in return. thats just how i am, thats how i have always been. ill give her hugs, little pecks on the cheek. she'll return the same, even excuse my pun, but smack my but as well (all in good play)
but when it comes down to interaction part. shes just never in the mood. im completely lost her. and its not like im not good at it. but i just don't understand why or even how a woman can go so long with out even being interested in it.
isn't sex a part of marriage, (wait, let me rephrase that) make love? i don't want everyone here to think thats its just sex i want, its the affection of us, just being together holding each other spending quality adult time.
im at my wits end. if i missed anything that im not doing here please help me out and tell me. or if there is any sugestions that i didn't do, im all ears...

    Bookmark   July 13, 2007 at 7:22AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The doctor is probably right about the hormone thing and/or the 30's. From most of my friends, really does go down then...not sure if it's kid/work/hormone related or what but he's not giving you a line; and for many it does pick back up in the late 30's/early 40's. Ask your friends. It's probably not you or your chemistry together. I think most married guys can relate.

Woman can go longer without sex and loose interest sooner because of biology. Theoretically women only need to have sex like once a year to reproduce -- pregnant for nine months..try again a couple months later. And, they can't reproduce at all when they get older. Men "could" impregnant numerous woman daily forever...thus, a stronger and longer sex drive. That's just how it works.

Again, though, it does sound like you're a gem so maybe housework was the wrong thing...but is she being overworked/overstressed some other way? (at an outside job, taking care of the kids, worrying about parents, etc?) Some people just can't handle a lot.

And, hate to say it, because I really think it's just age and stress related, but could she be seeing someone else? Has she been wearing more makeup, dressing up better, gone for long periods of time; you probably know the signs. Doubt that's it though.

Maybe you could try counseling. She should be willing and able to give in to your advances every now and then so that you don't feel so down and out. Is there some sort of compromise you think you guys could work out?

    Bookmark   July 13, 2007 at 12:20PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I remember i went through the same thing with my DH. For me i was having a hard time being a mom. There was a lack of sleep, a new baby in the house, and i was just overwhelmed. I just hated that everytime he would touch me it would have to turn to sex. I complained about that alot too. Also, being on the pill played a major role. My DH kept asking me to go off because he had heard that it can lower your sex drive. He was right. After i had my 2nd baby i went off the pill and my sex drive went through the roof. Were both much happier now.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2007 at 2:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You certainly got our attention with the title of your post!

Okay, it's time for your wife to come clean about what is bothering her. If you two can't do this yourself, you need some professional help. Three or four months is a danger signal. Be kind but very frank and tell her you need to know what's going on with her. Maybe she doesn't know, then it's time to head to a couselor. Good luck!

    Bookmark   July 14, 2007 at 12:00AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You sound a little too good to be true....hmmm...

    Bookmark   July 26, 2007 at 10:38AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Do you have kids Icaris? I don't see that anywhere -

Also, I think you need to change the focus from 'sex' to 'intimacy.' If you can rebuild the intimacy -- the absolute trust and feeling of mutual appreciation -- then the sex part may just fall into place. You might want to tell her that while you do miss sex, what you really need and miss is the intimacy and closeness. Tell her that you'll 'take sex off the table' for now, but that you want to cuddle and share with her to rebuild the romance and closeness.

Sometimes it's really hard to understand why we don't have the desire... Is your wife overweight? Or rather, does she feel like she's overweight? Could be that makes her feel unattractive and is afraid to risk having you really 'see' her naked. Or is she depressed? Is she facing a crisis of confidence? Can she ever just break down and cry in your arms? (IMO, this is a good thing, not a bad one -- sometimes, it's just the accumulation of a million tiny things that require a 'good cry' to let out.)

    Bookmark   July 27, 2007 at 11:56AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

No sex for "three or four months" eh? .... well my friend ... it's been over eight years for me and my wife. Once a wife decides no more sex your outta luck - I know from experience ... I've tried everything that is imaginable and still NO SEX!
Good Luck!

    Bookmark   August 30, 2007 at 6:06PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have to disagree with the women on this one. I have done all of the above and with no results.

I am not in the mood is not an acceptable excuse, although it is the one I have been getting from my wife. He excuse was that with all of the house work and the children that she was just exhausted at the end of the day and not in the mood for sex.

So.. I did the prescribed. I stepped up on the house chores, took over primary care giver status after work and on the weekends. Made sure that the children got in the practice of sleeping in their own beds all night, and stepped up all of the other little things for the wife; flowers, compliments, etc...

Still the frequency of sex remainded at once a month. We discussd it a couple of times, but it always still comes back to the same thing, I am are only "allowed" to have sex when she is in the mood.

So Icaris, I can not provide any sound advice on the subject, but I do not think the women are right on this one.

Some days I am not in the mood to go to work, but my employeer will not pay me for work I do not do.

I do not think 40 minutes of work a week is too much to ask for a spouse wether he/she is not in the mood. All it does is leads to resentment on the side of the slighted party. I am not usually in the mood to fold laundry or do dishes, but I do it anyway. If my spouse wanted 20 minutes in the sack twice a week, to keep her happy, I would certainly comply.

I will be having the sex discussion once again with my spouse when the time is right. The last time we had the discussion, she brougth up the not in the mood excuse and since then I have changed jobs so I can spend more time at home a contribute more to the chores and child rearing.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2007 at 2:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow, grundar.

Personally, I always find it interesting when men say their wives aren't interested in sex with them and then go on to allege that there's something wrong with the wife!

Guys - women aren't like you. We can't just have sex with any ol' body that comes along. We have to be attracted to the person, to the person's personality, to the person's intelligence, the whole package. Oh sure, a good roll in the hay for the heck of it can be a good release now and then, but usually the whole person has to be attractive to us, not just the warm body.

Perhaps YOU'RE not attracting your wife anymore? Why do men so often think that it can't possibly be them???

Grundar, in your case, if you convey your attitude about it to your wife in any way at all similar to what you've just conveyed to us, I can understand her not "being in the mood" for you more often.


    Bookmark   September 10, 2007 at 7:19PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I would imagine it can be pretty disappointing to "not be in the mood" most of the time.

Grundar, you have done a fantastic job, helping out in your home life, thats a step in the right direction.

I have to wonder how you bring up the discussion, and I wonder how your wife feels, is she left feeling worse than she already does. I think she might have some guilt about the situation, and would feel like she has something wrong with her, and she really doesn't know what to do about it.

Maybe its something about her self esteem, maybe she just does not feel attractive.

Tread gently with your discussion.

I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   September 11, 2007 at 3:58AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I always thought a woman reached her sexual peak in her thirties.My mom says she couldnt get enough in her thirties and that I should expect to feel that way soon (just turned thirty,if it's true,cant wait!).

Anyways,I agree with the others.Romance her.Maybe even go somewhere else.Sometimes a change of scenery is the best cure.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2007 at 7:10PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Let's not give grundar too hard of a time. I think he was just venting here and hopefully he sweetens it up a bit when speaking with his wife. He does give her compliments, flowers, etc. Hey he was just telling us how it is --his perspective of things....much like us women do on here. We can't scare the men off. They give us valuable insight into the male mind :)
If you are really doing all that you say---I am not doubting you ........then that is too bad. I have to agree with you on some level about it shouldn't be too much to ask for some intimacy. We all have different needs and should "meet in the middle". Otherwise bitterness seeps in and there is just no reason for it. It is all about caring for the other person in many ways. I agree that sometimes we just have to do even when not in the mood for the sake of the relationship;however, I do think that sometimes it is an acceptable excuse! Maybe there are deeper issues going on here? I wish our spouses could see what this really does to us!!!

    Bookmark   September 12, 2007 at 10:07PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well, I'm on the wife's side of all this. I'm not sure y she doesn't want 2,but 4 me its cuz I'm always tired,or it just doesn't feel good. My husband & I never really had a good sex life,even in the beginning. But I do know this,it has nothig 2 do with him. Its just me & the way I feel about my own body & how I feel. Maybe she's just insecure. Good 4 u 4 not cheating. It only took my husband a month & he cheated. Now I do it just so he won't

    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 5:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I spoke with my wife about this and here is the gist.

We have both agreed that we both put alot of energy into the children, and have lost a little focus on each other.

I told her that I understand that someday just may have been too much for her.

She agreed that that having children means that there will be very few easy days for either of us, but she still has to make room for intimacy.

I agreed to put more effort into making her feel special and not put all of my energy into the children.

As for the feedback: Yes I agree that men and women are not alike, I a merely asserting that sex shouldn't always be just about the women or just about the men. I other words I should always have to romance her to have sex and she should always have to put out just because I want it, but all to often I read about how it is the man's responsibility to woo the woman to get her to have sex. I do not want to be stuck in a marriage where sex is used a leverage, I would rather work with my partner to ensure that it is a mutual benefit to both parties.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 1:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Interesting points.

As a wife, I am grateful my DH doesn't only kiss or touch me when he wants sex. After a while I would start to feel used.

On the other hand, a good guy can be too accomodating. When we were very young, my DH (then boyfriend) was too miserable when I was unhappy and too focused on being the perfect man. He is a kind, considerate person, so there is no fear of him falling into caveman status. Over time he became more self reliant and sure of himself-- always concerned about my feelings, but not dancing attendance on me either. As he became more sure of himself I became more sure of him too. Now that the shoe is on the other foot-- he's professionally successful and attractive in his early forties, and I am not a 20 year old head-turner anymore-- it's been a good reminder for me to show confidence in myself.

It sounds funny now, but in those early days I was careful to say no-thanks if I didn't feel like it. I more or less trained my body to be psyched about sex. Having an Irishwoman's libido didn't hurt either, I'm sure :) Twenty years later, I'm more willing to go along with it even if I'm not quite there-- knowing there are times my husband does the same for me even if he'd rather be sleeping. I feel a little guilty for admitting how important sex is to me-- we just went away for a few days, did not manage to make time for each other beforehand, shared a hotel room with our 3 kids-- amazing how minor irritations bothered me! Here at home, with some privacy, I was soon in a good humor again :) It's hard to get annoyed over little stuff with someone who does such lovely things for you. Even if health issues ever get in the way of a conventional sexual life, I hope that we would carry on however we could- for me it's just too important to give up.

    Bookmark   October 3, 2007 at 12:37PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Help and advice needed - to divorce or not to divorce?
I could really use some outside advice and perhaps...
My Parents Hate my fiance...HELP!!!!
I need advice BAD!!! My parents hate my fiance, they...
My wife says she loves me but should I believe her?
Hi. I know my situation might seem odd but here goes......
Fed up and frustrated
I feel very frustrated and fed up with my marriage....
hausband say bad words after he gives me gift!
hi, I appreciate any suggestions. We are married for...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™