Side effects are affecting me, I think...

tbaronJuly 15, 2006

Hi everyone,

I am newly married and therefore am new to birth control. I have been on it for almost 4 months. At first, I had pretty bad headaches that I associated with the hormones. The headaches have since gone away and haven't bothered me since. Here's my thing though. I think the birth control has robbed me of all sex drive. If I remember correctly, this is also a side effect of birth control.

Before I married my husband, I was so attracted to him. Everything about him made me hungry for him. Just to touch his hand, just to hug him, just to kiss him. (We never had sex while we dated0, both of us were virgins) I just couldn't stay away from him and would eagerly do anything with him that I could without going all out and having any kind of sex. That was a hard resistence, for sure.

We have been married nearly a month now. I am still very attracted to him, but not nearly as much! I mean, in my mind I still think he is the most gorgeous thing in the world. I am absolutely head over heels for him. I am madly in love with him. But as far as sex goes, I really don't like it. It still hurts at first! The pain goes away after just a few seconds and feels nice after that. I mean, I enjoy sex while its happening. But when we are getting into the mood, I could care less!

I want to be in the mood for my dear husband. And I do somewhat. But I think one of my problems is I am afraid of climaxing. I think that might be it, anyway. I am always thinking in my mind, try to feel good, try to feel good, but it never happens. He ends up finishing and feels horrible when I don't get anywhere.

He cares that I enjoy myself. He has tried doing oral, which I thought was neat, but I was just so nervous, I couldn't enjoy it. So we've given up on that for now. He has tried just being loving and gentle and caring to being fun and sexual and driven.

Nothing seems to work. So I gave myself a little talk. I told myself I was expecting too much out of myself, I needed to just relax and enjoy it. I've tried relaxing and nothing concentrating on anything. Doesn't work.

I still think I am just expecting too much out of myself and that is helping to cause my mood swings. But I also wonder if part of it is the hormones in the birth control. Any ideas? Thanks!

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Could be many things. Some women have trouble climaxing, some men climax too soon. Could be the birth control. So...where to start...

#1 talk to your doctor about your birth control method and change that.

#2. Try sex toys, they may help you to climax.

#3. Try more foreplay, maybe there isn't enough.

#4. Try different positions (yes there are books out there), some women can only climax in certain positions (i.e. on top).

Above all keep lines of communication open with your spouse. Yes I like that, keep doing that. Nope I don't like that. Ouch that hurts, but I kinda like it..that kind of thing.


    Bookmark   July 15, 2006 at 2:17PM
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As far as your sex drive goes, talk to your doctor about the pill you're on. All of the pills have varying amounts of estrogen in them: The one I take, LoEstrin 1/20, has a lower dose of Estrogen, and a higher dose of Progestin in it. I've been on a half-dozen different pills over the year until I went on this one. Not all BCPs are the same -- it's best to talk to your doctor and see if she's willing to let you try different ones until you find the one that works for you.

As far as climaxing goes, get some sex toys. Learn how to please yourself. Then you can show your husband what works for you -- or even get the sex toys involved when having sex with him.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2006 at 7:42PM
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You can try what Verena has summed up nicely above. I am a visual person, so my #1 tool to get my mindframe 'ready' is porn :-) I know a lot of women look at porn with disdain and get upset if their husbands watch it. I couldn't care less about it so long as I get to watch it together too. It's such a liberating feeling. You can choose the ones that are closer to your taste of lovemaking and not too weird. Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 14, 2006 at 5:42PM
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Oh my...newly married...that requires me to think back a looooooooong way!

My advice is not to worry about it so much. Don't try so hard. Heavens! So much is new right now. You are living with a guy! Did you do that before? I didn't think so. Just go with it and enjoy anything and everything you can. You are not going to go to the moon EVERY SINGLE TIME you have sex. But, Girl! You are married. You are going to be having sex! Sometimes it may just be comfortable. Enjoy. Sometimes it may be abrupt and quick. Enjoy. Sometimes it may be poetic and thoughtful and slow....enjoy. But try not to push it. And for heaven's sake, don't worry about how you are doin'! Ask him, if you must. "Am I o.k.? Would you like something I'm not doing? Would you show me?" But otherwise...just get to know each more ways than the one! Do things together. Listen to music. Do chores. Go shopping. Build a lot of bridges so it's not just one little thread that holds you together.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2006 at 11:33PM
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Lots of advice there for you. It all takes time, just relax.

There is nothing like your hubbie, in the kitchen making a lovely dinner for you...thats the start of it all.

In my situation...if that happens it would be a real turn-on!

LOL, laugh and enjoy.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2006 at 3:03AM
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The most important sexual organ is the brain...

Remember what anticipation and your imagination did for you before you were married? That's the opposite of what your "thinking brain" is doing to you now. Now, you're thinking about it and worried about it, and anticipating a let-down, not an incredible loving experience. Your brain is getting in the way of your body, and your body is still inexperienced and learning. Talking to your doctor about switching methods of birth control is a good step, but above that, don't think about "the problem" so much. Thinking about it will magnify it, not solve it.

Next time you and your husband have the right opportunity, try putting on some romantic music, light a few candles, then turn your brain off. Talk with your husband about pleasant, lightweight things until any worries in the back of your head are gone. While you're talking, enjoy looking at your husband, and appreciate all of the attractive qualities he has that make you tingle. You want to re-build the emotional intimacy before even starting on the physical intimacy. Once you're both relaxed, concentrate on your feelings -- the texture of his skin, the sensations on yours. Take what's feeling good to you and really experience that. Feel, rather than think about, the experience, and let your body, not your brain, guide you. It may also help to tune some of your senses out (listening to the music, visualizing colors or textures) and some of your senses in (his touch, smell of his skin).

But above all, don't involve the thinking, rational part of your brain past the part where you decide "yes".

    Bookmark   September 12, 2006 at 11:31AM
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Are things better? Or did the Porn episode send you back to square one?

    Bookmark   September 23, 2006 at 1:14PM
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