Engaged but having problems

grayloJuly 7, 2009

My finance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, I have kids who live with me and we don't live together. His finances aren't the best, four months ago I lent him some money and asked that he pay me back by the end of June, I finally had to ask him for the money, he said he forgot and wanted another two weeks to pay me back, he then decided to buy himself a set of golf clubs. I got upset that he expected me to wait for my money and yet he buys golf clubs. We talked about moving in together, he expects me to continue to pay the rent I'm paying ($900) and if we move to another place and it's a $150 more a month, he will just pay the $150 for rent. He owes $12 grand in child support and has a terrible credit rating. This is affecting me wanting to move to the next level with him, i.e., getting married and moving in together, his debt will become 50% of mine legally. He works full time, it's not like he's unemployed, yet he won't hesitate to skip a bill to buy himself a new shirt or something and yet he doesn't seem to find anything wrong with this. I'm the opposite, it's important to pay bills on time. He gets angry if I don't answer the phone at home (even if I'm out) he asks where I've been and why I'm not answering the phone. Can this relationship be salvaged? I'm starting to withdraw because his finances scare me and he sometimes gets very controlling if I don't answer the phone when he calls...

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If this is a hoax, please go away. If you're serious, there's nothing to salvage. You've described a total creep and I have little doubt there's more you haven't written. Run, don't walk.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2009 at 2:53PM
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    Bookmark   July 7, 2009 at 3:54PM
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Any relationship is salvageable, but why on earth would you want to save this relationship?!

    Bookmark   July 7, 2009 at 5:07PM
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"Can this relationship be salvaged?"

Sure -- Just put his name on your credit cards and he'll be happy as pie as long as your credit lines hold out. Pay your rent and his, wash his laundry and cook for him, and never get too tired for passionate sex at his every whim (but don't ask for it too often either - that's a turn off when he's tired after a long day's work). Keep your cell phone with you at all times and have a GPS monitor put on it so he can always find you. (Where do you really have to be anyway?) You may also want to put Internet-monitoring software on your computer so he can be confident you're not up to anything dishonest online, and be all means, share your passwords. True love has no secrets. Check with your Ex about having the kids move in with him (they're inconvenient), or if not that, then he needs to pay more child support (they're expensive! and spoiled) Oh - I almost forgot. Your girlfriends are taking up too much of your time. Your family too. Besides, they don't like him or understand him and they're trying to break you two up. You need to see less of these people since they're negative influences.

What am I missing? His temper maybe? Or is he the type that pouts or sulks to get his way?

    Bookmark   July 7, 2009 at 7:04PM
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Priceless Sweeby!

    Bookmark   July 8, 2009 at 1:30PM
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Your kidding. All of his outstanding bills will be 100% yours, if you don't pay off his bills your credit will be history. If someone you love has habits you don't like it will be 10 times worse after you marry him. If you think it's hard to break it off now, just wait until you tied up 5 or 10 years of you life with him.

    Bookmark   July 8, 2009 at 4:12PM
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12 grand in child support - what does that say about him ? I wouldn't want that man near my children. Do it for them, at least.

You have been very candid, I wish you well. Trust your own alarm bells about this man - he is not for you. You can do better.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2009 at 2:47AM
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This is the stupidest post I have read in a while! If this is for real I hope you have ended this relationship. If you did not have kids then you could do what you want. But you owe it to your kids to not put them through this. Otherwise by the time this guy is through with you your kids will be scared and changed from the abuse and you will be in debt beyond belief.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2009 at 5:46PM
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No matter what else I fool myself into thinking I can deal with, I would definitely have run the other direction after learning he doesn't bother to pay his child support. This story actually got worse. But hey, if you're desperate enough to think there is something about this guy worth having and to waste 3 1/2 years of your life with him, then please marry him immediately. He is a prize just for you.

    Bookmark   July 10, 2009 at 10:19AM
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The only thing I'd add. What good is there to salvage? Or, why are you settling?! Don't you deserve better? You are upstanding enough to pay bills on time and it bothers you that he owes so much, while it doesn't bother him one bit. You're right and he's Mr. Wrong.

    Bookmark   July 10, 2009 at 1:58PM
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If you have to write a post like that, I think you know your answer already. Get away from this "one-sided" relationship now, because things will only get worse.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2009 at 2:22PM
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My sister-in-law is almost $200,000 in debt and can't get ahead. Her 2nd husband (10 years younger and married 6 years) has finally left her because he was tired of paying her debts and living poor. All they did was work! They are right back to where they were 6 years ago... no home, no furniture, no money... zippo! nadda! But... he was forced to claim bankruptcy 2 years ago because she put him in debt so much buying furniture. She has NO financial knowledge whatsoever. She has even put her 72 year old mother in debt by buying a $6,000 car. She just sold it and has not given her mother the money. She's 37 and he's 26. All they did was work, paying bills, amd never getting ahead.

Get away! Who needs a bum like that. If you don't get rid of him just with the fact that he owes $12,000 in child support and won't pay half the rent...then you're just plain stupid! Sorry but no other way to say it.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2009 at 12:21AM
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All I can add to what everyone else has said is:

Why do you want to salvage this relationship???

Are you not fed up yet with being used, and used, and used???

Only you can answer those questions.

Truly, I mean no harm. Just hoping the light will go on and not turn off. (((hugs)))

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 9:02AM
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Look how you spelled "fiance!" Freudian slip?

"My finance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years..."

You should indeed be very worried about finances, and those worries and paying back HIS debts are going to take over your life, just the way your fiance is taking over your life by being controlling, if you stay with him.

And THIS makes me think that besides being an irresponsible jerk, he may even be a bit insane:
"He gets angry if I don't answer the phone at home (even if I'm out)" -----EVEN IF YOU'RE OUT?

Please, please, if your post is on the level, don't take your relationship to the next level; take it back enough levels so that you have nothing more to do with him! Controllers get worse, not better, when you marry them, and it will be harder to do the longer you remain in any relationship with him.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 10:02AM
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"He gets angry if I don't answer the phone at home (even if I'm out) he asks where I've been and why I'm not answering the phone"

"Controllers get worse, not better, when you marry them"

I once had a something-or-other, more than a boyfriend but not a husband, who insisted, demanded, declared & ordained that I carry my cell phone whenever I was out of his sight.

I'd tell him I needed to go to Wal-Mart for thread, & he'd bark, "Be sure to take that phone!"

One very low point in my life was one afternoon when I dutifully took my phone, backed out of the driveway...
& the phone rang (this was befoer caller id).

It was him.

He said, smugly, "I just wanted to be sure you had that phone on."

Get out of there.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 6:02PM
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Sign-in same day as post. No response since. Typical. This was a hoax. Or a total idiot. Often, they're the same.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 9:57PM
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Yeah. Maybe an aspiring fiction writer practicing on us.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2009 at 10:47PM
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Just because someone doesn't come back and post, doesn't mean the post is a hoax. She has 3 kids - we don't know their ages; plus Mr. "where are you".

Sounds like she's been supporting herself fine since her own divorce, and for her to be with him for that long, there must be some good in the relationship, yet she didn't post it.

It must be hard to read some of the answers, especially since she probably knew the response she'd get, reading it has to be hard.

I agree with everyone.. I would not marry him if he thinks he's going to be supported by me. I would not take a relationship to that level with him being so far in debt; plus the credit rating. Who knows if he even sees his child/children. I agree with him possibly pushing her kids out.

Buying the clubs and not paying her back would be the icing on the cake, he'd be gone; unless she can afford to not need to be paid back if she ever lends him money again.

One you marry you are responsible for the debt, I'm almost positive it's 100%, not 50%.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2009 at 12:52PM
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