sexless marriage for a woman

sosadhereJuly 31, 2008

Hi Everyone

thank you for sharing your experiences. I don't think I can live like this anymore. I will be married 3 yrs in Sept and haven't had sex since my 1st anniversary which is when we conceived our daughter. I am 31 and he is 36. He is on Lexapro since the month after we got married and had sex about 10 times in a year and haven't even shared a real kiss in almost 2 yrs. We went to counseling about a year ago because I have made it a point to tell him how unhappy I was and he said that it was because he knew that he could never satisfy me, that he feels because my ex Boyfriend was so great in bed he will never add up- I never told him he was, he just assumed because of my active sex drive and I guess "knowledge" I don't know- anyway from time to time he will grab my but but nothing NOTHING else. He can see me get out of the shower, in the shower and nothing. Its not like I have ever rejected him, I have told him that we need to work on it so that its not so one sided, and that we could use toys or something so that I can get something out of it too. well he told me that toys made him feel incompetent and that he hated the idea so he just shut down. I do not try anything because I am so resentful so bitter that my ego is so hurt that I don't even want to initiate anything. I can relate to some women here who said that they found prescription for months and they don't fill them, its like they don't give a crap. The counselor that he went to suggested a book- I read more of it then he did. He doesn't even talk about it, I guess I am guilty because I don't either, but I am the one that has ALWAYS addressed it. I just feel so let down because he doesn't even try, I have told him that he is like my roommate he hates that. There are a lot of things going on in our life now and he is overwhelmed with work and family (his family) that I understand but jeez a little roll in the hay might help relieve some stress :). Any suggestions? I told myself that this Sept - our anniversary ( of marriage and no sex) I was going to ask for a separation and see if that will kick his butt in to some action- no pun intended.

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It's probably the Lexapro... so I would guess no talking to, ultimatums, or counseling is really going to help. He simply has no sex drive. You have to appeal to him logically.

What is he talking the Lexapro for? If it was a milder depression, he amy be able to try going off of it if it's ok with his docotr. If he has some more severe mental problems, I would see if he could try a different medicine. Seriously, call his prescribing doctor yourself and explain the severity of the problem, that there is a child and marriage at stake, etc. The doctor needs to know you are never having sex, which I doubt your husband is just volunteering to him. Hopefully, he can switch medicines. Your husband doesn't see it as a problem -- he doesn't know what he's missing, so he's not really going to address it.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2008 at 11:54AM
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Your husband does have an obligation. This is his issue. He owes you and his family -- if not himself -- a legitimate effort. If he doesn't care, that's pretty much the ball game. Wondering if he's more depressed than you know or maybe pure med-related......or maybe something not yet disclosed.

Is the issue ED (physical inability) or disinterest? ED solution is easy. The mental part, if that's it, is difficult.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2008 at 12:01PM
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Long ago I found myself married to a very nonsexual man. We had fairly good sex before the marriage but afterwards it was nothing. He didn't want it, didn't care about sexual relationship, period. It was not up for discussion and nothing I mean nothing I tried worked. My self esteem was destroyed and it was a awful period in my life.

Leaving was the best thing I did. I now wonder if he wasn't gay/not attracted to women and just didn't know it yet? Either way I felt hurt & duped. Your post reminds me so much of that time. Hang on to yourself esteem girl, this isn't really about you, it's about him.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2008 at 12:49PM
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thank you so much for your uplifting words. I am very depressed and I do feel unattractive. I don't think he is gay because I actually found out he went to a strip club and he does look at other women, so......
I just want to leave my ego aside and talk to him again and maybe do what you guys have mentioned. Have him talk to a Dr. and see if he could take something else.

thanks again

    Bookmark   July 31, 2008 at 12:56PM
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I am not an expert nor do I have all the answers to my own problems but can give you a different prespective.

I know for me, sex is both physical and mental. It sounds like your husband either has mentally blocked sex or has a physical problem that is causing him to mentally blocking it out. As funny as it may sound, many guys do want to make their spouses happy. Criticism in bed is a huge blow to a guys ego. His ego may be surrering a little bit. Since he has been to a strip club and does grab your butt, it sounds like he may just be holding back.

Have you grabbed his butt and not pushed it farther? Kinds of things that get him thinking of sex without the pressure of having sex. I know women look at this differently, but you could take the matter into your own hands when you know he will catch you. When he asks what is up, just tell him you are releaving a little frustration and did not want to disturb him. Guys are visually stimulated...I am not sure why more women don't figure this out and use it to their advantage. On a side note...I just had the mental image of a wife walking out in a miniskirt and thigh high boots and asking why the laundry is not done yet.

Another possibility if you have not tried it is telling him you would like to teach him some new skills. If his problem is physically triggered, mybe getting him into oral sex might be the answer. Just be careful because some guys are afraid of that.

He may also have some sexual desires he is not sharing with you...if you can find out what they are, it would be a huge asset. Just don't laugh if it is something totally off the wall...that would be another blow to his ego (ego's are a huge deal to a guy).

I don't know if this helped at all.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2008 at 10:13AM
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Trying a different antidepressant should definitely be looked into. I was on Paxil, which pretty much eliminated my sex drive. I switched to Wellbutrin, and returned to normal.

I think there is a lot more going on here, but the Lexapro might be part of the problem.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2008 at 1:29PM
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You said he went to strip clubs...does he look at porn often? My husband is a porn addict and is never interested in sex with me.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2008 at 4:09PM
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My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We've adopted two kids and had one biological child. Time for intimacy is hard to find. My husband and I have enjoyed a good sex life. We agree that if one doesn't feel like it, then take care of yourself, we do view special CD's together, but recently I found an extensive list of porn sites in his desk. We do not have sex very much, but he never asks for it. I would like romance so sometimes I talk insinuatingly to him or I touch him, but he never "bites" at the bait. when I confronted him about the list he said that unless I changed he would keep doing it. (Meaning unless I keep HIM satisfied... as in get on my knees) He never comes on to me. I would not turn him down. I want to "make love." He wants to have sex. I told him I could not stop him doing it. He said I was not worth the effort. Nothing about me appeals to him, He says I am just like my mother. He did go on to say...however, that he has respect for me. Wow. I will not police him, it is his problem. He says I am to blame. I will not feel degraded about this, but empowered. I will not let him put the blame on me. I never "left the marriage bed" for the computer. I don't want to be a performing woman of the hour. I have needs too. I am not speaking to him, but continuing on.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 8:31PM
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OMG Elegant, I think if my DH said those actual words to me they might never find the body...that is just so amazingly cruel.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 12:43AM
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Elegant1, your husband does sound like a jerk. An adult should never treat another adult the way he treated you.

I don't want this to sound like I am taking his side. What he said was completely wrong. The next question is why might have he said this. I can see a side to what he said that I have felt (but knew better than to ever say out loud). From talking to my buddies...I bet more than one guy has felt that way at least once in a while.

I recently checked out this forum after having marriage problems myself. I find it very interresting to see a different perspective to things. You ladies do look at things a whole lot different than a guy does. Communication seems to fail a lot of people (I am still trying to communicate with my wife).

In your post, you stated that he never asks for it (sex). It is not always easy to "ask" for sex. It would be great if my wife made the first move once in a while. In the past (years ago) she would hint that having sex would be nice...and then it was up to me to take the ball from there.

I am not sure it is true for every guy...but at least for me sex has two parts...and physical part and a mental part. I can "hand'le" the physical part much faster and easier than having sex. What makes it worth while is the mental part. If things become routine...or lack any is just easier for me to deal with things myself.

Don't get me wrong...things don't have to be a three ring circus every time. It is just nice to be suprised or not have sole responsibility to make things all wonderful.

Elegant1, you are correct in saying you are empowered by this. he has communicated (very poorly) that he desires more out of your sex life as well. The trick is to use this information in a manner to get the romance you desire.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 5:05PM
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I've been dealing with my husband's sex addiction for two years now. Believe me do not try and please him. do not try and turn him on. I tried these things. the fact is once they are addicted to this fantasy, 'real' stimulation actually angers them. they become resentful and unbelievably selfish. They want all the stimulation, their way, and they quite frankly dont need you anymore. and you're right elegant1- it is just sex. there's nothing intimate or romantic about it.

Until he gets help for his problem protect yourself from him.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 5:56PM
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Hmm, sounds good in theory but DH will deny me EVERYTIME I try to initiate, doesn't matter if I ask sweetly, sexy, naughty, standing on my head.

However when he wants it, I am supposed to be ready to go and give it up. And if I am not in the mood or tired I get pestered til I just give in to get it over with.

Oh, the romance!

Not all guys want the woman to initiate-I wish.

    Bookmark   August 8, 2008 at 4:37PM
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I am sorry to hear things are at that point for you. I can not imagine not responding to my wife making an effort of any sort (her sex drive has been down for a while...close to two years now). I have tried to get things moving, but get the "I am just not into it right now." We are having other problems as well.

I hope things get better for you.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2008 at 12:09AM
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