Roommates or Husband / Wife?
First a little context about the relationship. In general, life is good for us. My wife and I are both mid-30's and in good health. We have a beautiful one year old daughter. This is the first marriage for both of us. We live in a nice home (with nice landscaping - thanks GardenWeb ;) ) and both work full time and earn good incomes.
We met at church about nine years ago and began dating very shortly thereafter. Out of respect for our religious beliefs and her wishes, we were not sexually involved during the two years we dated prior to marriage. I had had a small number of experiences prior to meeting my future spouse and she had had none. It was difficult (for me at least, she seemed to have an easier time) to be chaste during our dating and engagement but we managed based on the promise of a robust, rich and fulfilling love life in our marriage.
Wedding to Baby
She and I got along very well early on. We were very close emotionally although sex was infrequent (once every month or two). This was a source of tension as I would frequently (several times a week) try to initiate and be rejected. The times we talked about it she would say sex shouldn't be so important to me.
A few years into the marriage when we were trying to conceive we had sex more regularly (once a month when her calculations indicated ovulation).
Conception to baby's first birthday
Not surprisingly pregnancy and baby put our sex life on (temporary?) hiatus. More surprisingly my wife became more distant. She actually recoiled at any affection even non-sexual contacts like hugs or pecks on the cheek. We fell into a situation where any contact initiated by me was rebuffed and left me feeling rejected and frustrated. If I hold off and allow her to initiate any contact, we simply don't have any at all - that's been the status quo for the last six months or so.
A couple weeks ago we had a minor "breakthrough" which gave me some hope that things can improve for us. We were going through our usual routine of my wife showering our baby affection prior to us leaving for daycare and I said something to the effect of "what about me, don't I even get a 'good-bye' or 'have a good day'?" Her reply was that I am her roommate not her husband. When I asked why she felt that way I was floored when she said "because YOU have been rejecting ME sexually since the baby came". We had little time to talk further and I didn't want to argue but rather to use the opening to make positive progress. I suggested that we plan to have a "date" to spend time together that evening after the baby was put to bed and she agreed.
Well, evening came and I made sure all of the household chores were done but I was disappointed to discover that she was in "don't touch me" mode once again. She said she was tired and wanted to be left alone. I can sympathize with being tired so I suggested we take a rain check until the following evening. The following evening - more of the same. And the next. Rather than provoke conflict I just haven't pursued the subject with her since then.
On one hand, if my wife has needs (physical, emotional, or otherwise) that aren't being met I want to understand and do my best to meet them. On the other hand, I'm beginning to feel manipulated and used (as a sperm donor, a live-in au pair, and a maid). All of the rejection and confusion are having a negative impact on my emotional well being and even my job performance. I really need to make some progress. I've been doing a LOT of reading and I hope that people in this forum can give suggestions that will help. So, am I missing something? What can I do? Or am I just deluding myself hoping that things can improve?