The first year is the hardest???

hope_fullJuly 31, 2007

I married someone I thought was the love of my life in the early 70s. We were married for almost three decades when he decided he wanted his freedom and sought a divorce. For several years, I struggled to adjust to the single life but never really "loved" being single (as some people do). It was okay, but I think life is a whole lot easier when there are two people pulling on the oars.

I was remarried a little more than a year ago. He's a good man and probably a great catch, but I find myself holding back from letting him completely into my heart. When he makes mistakes or does things that annoy me, I find myself thinking "I should just leave now before I get too much invested in this relationship." I'm surprised by this, as I intended to stick with marriage number one for LIFE. I supported the first husband through bankruptcy, mental illness, tragedy, etc. Now I have no patience with husband number two.

I see why second marriages fail at such a higher rate. I don't want to waste another three decades chasing happiness, but never quite finding it.

So, I'm asking if others here have experienced the same challenges on second marriages. And how do you know what to do? How do you know when to bail and when to stay? I went into this thing planning to stay married for life and now, only a year later, I'm already wondering about our future. Is the first year really the hardest? And how could I be so unprepared for the challenges in this second marriage? The challenges are wholly different from the first marriage.

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It sounds like you're the one holding back. And as long as you're holding back, you'll never be able to find that true, deep, enduring happiness. From what you've written about the end of your first marriage, I can understand why you'd be reluctant to give your entire self over to a new marriage -- but if you don't, you're only hurting yourself.

I'd suggest a totally open and honest talk with your husband, then counseling for you to work through the leftover issues.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2007 at 1:28PM
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By the time we've reached your age with your history we all carry our own baggage of experience and doubt which usually translates to anxiety at some level. Holding back is as natural as rain -- and also a guarantee of disatisfaction. You must take this risk. It's the only chance any of us have. You've made your decision. Give it your all. ALL. You've chosen to take this chance. Do take it.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2007 at 1:38PM
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After reading your post in DID YOU MARRY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE i wonder if this marriage was for love or for the safe feelings this man gives you?

    Bookmark   July 31, 2007 at 2:02PM
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Well, I've heard it said that the first year is the hardest and I see that there's a lot of adjusting to do, even when you do marry someone that you truly love (and I do truly love him) and someone with whom you're compatible. My initial post wandered around a bit, but I'm wondering, is the first year the hardest year for second marriages?

    Bookmark   July 31, 2007 at 3:17PM
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Yes I think so. You were married a long time the first time. You got used to somebody that had a set of habits and opinions. Suddenly here is somebody else with different personality, opinions, and hopefully the new one is smarter, more attractive and manages money better. Quite an adjustment.
And, you got such a new husband at a time in life when they are much harder to get and keep. Less guys are around as they get older. We outnumber them more and more as each year passes. You are going to have to work a little harder to keep his attention. Hang in there, that first year is tough.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2007 at 4:28PM
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Try focusing on the positives in your marriage, and not dwelling so much on the negatives.

You mentioned all the bad things about your first marriage, choose to remember the good, happy things.

I know this is hard to do, but it may help you to sit side by side with your husband in that boat, rowing together.

All the best to you.


    Bookmark   August 1, 2007 at 12:04AM
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