Embarrassing personal problem

mrscJuly 29, 2005

I need advice with a personal problem. I will try to be delicate.

We are happily married for 15 yrs. but our sex life is going downhill. At 41, DH is losing interest. He says it's not me and it's not another woman. He's tired from working 2 jobs and gaining weight.

Recently we tried being intimate but nothing happened. And he said something odd. He called me "a good puppy". That's what he says to the dog!

I don't know what to think. And I'm too embarrassed to discuss this with my friends.

Mrs. C.

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auntjen

Losing interest, tired, weight gain -- all of these signs point to depression. I know, because my own husband has been struggling with these very issues, and has only recently taken the steps to get himself well again (thank goodness!).

Would your husband be at all willing to discuss the issue with a doctor? I have learned that very often, a depressed person is simply incapable of doing anything to "snap out of it" without treatment, which may include medication. There is also medication that he can take to assist with the fact that "nothing happens" during intimacy. The inability to maintain an erection indicates a lack of sexual interest, which is most definitely a symptom of depression.

I'm so sorry you and your hubby are going through this, but want you to know that there is hope and help out there. Please, discuss this with him and encourage him to see the doctor.

One last thing -- there's no need to be embarrassed. This sort of thing happens to many, many, many couples. It's extremely common, and nothing to be ashamed about.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2005 at 2:16PM
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mrsc

Hi auntjen, and thanks for your reply.

Actually, I think I may be suffering some depression. We are both overstressed. We are caretakers for several family members with serious illness (my parents, his parents & an elderly aunt). We take care of their homes, cooking, cleaning, errands, dr's appt, etc. One was hospitalized for several months and we would visit everyday, even after working 2 jobs and long hrs. I also care for my sister's 4 kids while she works!

We don't mind because we love our family but realize we can't do it all. We've been talking about making some changes.

The puppy comment still bothers me. I've heard of men calling out another woman's name but not the dog!

I hope your husband gets well. Unfortunately medications were not an option for me, so I'm researching alternative therapies.

Regards,

Mrs.C

    Bookmark   August 4, 2005 at 10:32PM
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marie26

Mrs. C, I really feel for you both. You are running yourselves ragged.

I would just ask DH to explain what he meant by good puppy. He probably meant nothing against you and perhaps he doesn't even remember saying it.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 7:57PM
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mrsc

Hi Marie,

I did ask. He said it was habit. We've been training our new puppy and say that phrase several times a day.

I think he has everyone on his mind but me.

But I'm in a position where I can't complain. Every spare minute is spent taking care of his parents, mine, our aunt & our home. He's an admirable person. But there's rarely time for us.

So imagine my disappointment when during a rare intimate moment, that he makes a puppy comment. It sure spoiled the moment and will be hard to forget.

We'll soon have 3 wks vacation from the 2nd job. Maybe it will help some.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 11:16PM
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marie26

I give you credit for getting a new puppy in the midst of everything else that's going on in your life. We also have a new puppy and it's hard enough without having to work 2 jobs and take care of many members of a family.

You married a good man who is willing to work 2 jobs(if I read this correctly) and take care of family. That is more than many men would do. You need to let this go somehow for everyone's sake, but especially yours.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 11:31PM
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mrsc

Marie,

Thanks, it's helped to talk about it.

Can you believe the puppy was sick! We went into debt treating her but I'm happy to say she is doing well. She's good company but trying to steal my ice cream!

My DH worked all weekend but would send me email and pics from his camera phone so we could keep in touch & share our day. I thought that was sweet. He is a good guy.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2005 at 4:20AM
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rosewood42

ask him not your friends whats going on. ask him why he said good puppy to you and what he meant by that. also ask him does he think he is impotent and if so that you can work on that together and try viagra see what happens if thats the problem, also suggest a good physical to make sure nothing else is going on, but i agree with the 2 job thing that can really knock you off your feet with always being tired and not wanting to exert any energy to do anything else, maybe he can quit one of the jobs if its affordable. maybe try joining a spa or fitness center together to burn off those excess pounds if thats really the problem. being the type of person i am i would just flat out ask him if there is some one else that he has energy for.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2006 at 2:15AM
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