Last evening my husband and I heard what we've been expecting for many years--my son has decided to file for divorce. I know not to get involved, that this is between my son and DIL. I come here primarily to vent.
In his senior year of HS, my son met the girl he should have married. They were great together and had a 4 year mature relationship and mutual respect. She was from a close-knit family and we all got along famously. In the back of my head I worried that they were too young, needed to expand their experiences, and wished they had met later in life.
Four years later there was a tragedy in our family that rocked everyone's equilibrium. Fast forward, they broke up. Inevitable possibly, but the tragedy was the catalyst.
My son went to school, bought a house and dated a few girls over the next several years. We met one who was sweet but to me--unmotivated and dull. This sounds harsh but I know my son and she didn't seem like a good match. But they were just dating and girls come and go. Eventually, he broke up with her and continued dating.
He got somewhat serious with one who kind of moved herself into his house. She was nervous and high-strung. Over time we noticed an escalating amount of drama always swirling around her. Fights with her family, ex-boyfriend issues, antidepressants, therapists, always needed attention of some kind. Their break-up was a relief to everyone.
He ran into the sweet girl at a club soon after and they resumed dating. He was looking to settle down. They got engaged after a short time. Both my husband and I expressed our concerns about their compatability to him. They got married.
This has turned into too long a post. Fast forward--they are married six years and have three children under 6 years old. He tells us the issues prior to marriage he "thought would change." Things like a non-existant sex drive, inability to speak intelligently on any subject except the characters on the TV show Charmed, and her extreme tolerance to a sink full of dirty dishes, piles of laundry and papers and overflowing garbage cans. When my son lived alone, he kept an organized home. I guess he really wasn't listening to us at all when we said people don't change and things tend to get worse after marriage. He says, and we verify by observation when we visit, that they live like roommates. There is no physical contact between them. She wants to spend weekends going to clubs with her girlfriends and dancing. She makes plans for herself with and without the children and doesn't include him.
To my eye, she just has no regard for him. She will be out when he comes home from work. Doesn't call to tell him, doesn't leave a note, doesn't consider leaving him something to eat. Many times he has called our house looking for her. Yes, he can feed himself but that is not the point I'm making. She just doesn't care for or about him on a very basic level.
I take the children many weekends to give them time to be together, to unwind without the kids and give them a break. She goes out without him and he works around the house, cleaning.
She is not motivated to work despite "searching Craigslist and checking the papers every day" by her account. This was something she wanted, to get out of the house and earn some money. My son works very long hours during the week and some extra cash would be a great help. I've committed to watching the kids every weekend if need be.
If you're still listening, thank you. I don't know what to do. Don't think there is anything I can or should do. This was wrong from the beginning and three young children, my grandchildren, are about to have their worlds implode. I recognize my son's feelings of loneliness and his need for a partner who will be an active participant in a relationship.
I just feel awful. Truly awful about all of this.