Texts, lies, and video editing

justnotchanningJuly 2, 2012

I'm noob, so please bear with me. My wife and I have been going through a rough patch for a while now. No big fights, but no passion either. I decided last month to make a lifestyle change. Dedicated myself to fitness and activity rather than beer and tv. All is going great so far. My wife has been on a health kick since the start of the year and continually encouraged me to get healthy with her. Took me a while, but I had to get there myself. Here is the issue. My wife is a flirt and I know this and I am reasonably able to cope with it until recently. New guy starts at her company in a position of power. I hear a lot about him for a couple of months from her, then in the last month absolutely nothing. Needless to say this peaks my interest as we do talk daily and at length about or jobs (same industry). She changed the passcode on her phone and told me did so without giving me the new code, then when my phone was unavailable and I needed to use her phone she did not tell me the code, but unlocked the phone and very quickly looked at something then handed it to me. Issue #1 is this normal to lock your SO out of your phone? It really makes me wonder. That is how we get to issue #2. I tell her I am concerned one night that she is too friendly with her coworker and she tells me I am crazy. I ask if I can look at her phone and get the "why are you so, jealous speech". I ask before I have her phone if she had texted this guy today. 3 times her answer is no. I then look at the phone and no texts that day from this guy. I then ask her 4 times if she would delete texts from this guy. 4 times no. It isn't until I tell her I need to be sure that is the truth and will be checking online to verify that fact that she admits she had contacted him and deleted the texts. 100 texts to be exact 50 each way that very evening. She claims she deleted and then lied because I would make a big deal about it. I told her the lying and coverup are far worse as now I can't trust her and have only my imagination as to the context of the conversation. I told her that I need time to rebuild trust and suggested counseling, but have yet to set an appointment. I also told her that for the time we are rebuilding the trust I would need access to her phone and she told me okay, grudgingly, but that she feels SOs should have their own space. Do you guys and gals agree with her? Anyone else restricted access from SOs phone? Am I right to be concerned that 100 texts in a night to a coworker is too much? Thanks for your time. Looking forward to your thoughts.

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Wow....serious flashbacks!

Dude I was exactly where you were 8 years ago...literally I could have wrote that paragraph, with a few details changed. By the time I got to where you are, and started being suspicious, she had in fact been having an affair for 9 months....shows you how perceptive I am I guess... When I finally confronted her with proof (more than just txt records, I had phone records and a call to the reservations desk of a local motel on a day I took the kids to a ballgame), she finally came clean...well sort of, she still lied about lots of sh*t during the process of trying to fix the marriage.

For me, it didn't work out well...we worked on things for 3 yrs (I did anyway, I realized later her heart was not in it and she was just buying time), until she did it again and I pulled the plug on things. Now I am happily divorced, dating someone and raising my kids with 50/50 custody...life goes on, no matter what happens it will probably be for the best.

But, to answer your question, yes she's totally playing you the fool. While spouses absolutely need some privacy, she's clearly just using this issue to deflect her obvious indiscretions. You need to sit her down and have a serious, serious talk to her. Not sure if you have kids or not, but she needs to understand that what she is doing is just wrong, and she needs to look at her self in the mirror and figure out if she wants to be in the marriage or not, because right now, you have nothing.

And take it from someone who made a lot of mistakes in the process of trying to rebuild the trust....DO NOT make it about checking up on her, having access to her phone and email accounts, etc. Trust me on this...that will push her away further!! You need to try and re-connect with her, if you can, the trust will return, if you can't, then you end the marriage....it's really that simple.

Be prepared for some real sh*tty days my friend, the voyage you are about to take is not fun. I wish you a better outcome than I had.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2012 at 10:50AM
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100 texts in a night is a lot. I was in a relationship once and almost started getting into an emotional affair with a woman at my office. One night I sent her approx 100 texts. I later realized this was not cool and cut her off. I've been on 4 dates with someone recently and I only have 80 texts in my phone since last week. What does that tell you?

    Bookmark   July 2, 2012 at 12:26PM
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100 texts is a full on conversation. What could she possibly have to say to a mere co-worker that couldn't wait until work the next day?
I agree with mkroopy, you need to have a very serious talk with your wife. If she's not happy, she either needs to articulate to you what she's unhappy about so you can work on fixing it, or make a clean break and move on.
Yes, SOs should have their own space, and my DH and I have our own phones and emails and as a rule don't look at each other's, but we also both know that if we did there would be nothing untoward on them either.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2012 at 1:45AM
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