Friends' Marriage andi'm totally ticked off!

organic_mariaJuly 29, 2008

I'm new in this forum and though i do have personal problems with my marriage ( we have our ups and downs) my friends marriage has just put a strain on ours. Mostly me!

She is 37 yrs old. Married my cousin 10 years ago. I brought her down on vacation to his place one summer and they hit it off.

Well, these last few years its been really bad for them from screaming, ignoring one another you name it! Thank God they do no have kids and when i spoke to my cousin about that topic he would say' she can barely take care of herself how the F will she take care of a child! And i thought, oh he's just a selfish , selfcentered person. Granted he is a difficult person. i wont sugar coat my cousin at all. And at times i would describe him as mentally abusive. Cause in his eyes hes always right and everyone is stupid and wrong. and doesn't have a life.

Ok. back to her. 37, no kids, stayed with mom until 27 , would work, give all money to mom. Then my cousin came along and basically took care of her. He tried to teach her to be responsible, independant. He even tried to get to go back to school andhe would pay for it. She refused.

He's complained in the past that she's

1. lazy

2. non motivated whatsoever

3. has to be told to do things

4. if she does clean, doesn't do it right. ( i mean, the dishes are washed and when you go to put them away they are slimey!)

5. she always sleeps.

6. does nothing other than watch tv after work and doesn't want to do any activity

Sorry this is long! Fast forward to two months prior. Cousin was fed up with her in a nut shell and started to ignore her. He didnt' speak to her for 2 months. She slept on the couch in her home for 6 weeks. Because he toldher to. He told her from now on they do things separately.

I planned a trip to toronto with my husband andson. She asked to come along because she was seeking marriage advice from my brother whos a priest. The drive went well, friday morning her husband calls my sisterinlaws house and is screaming like an animal. She hangs up on him. He phones back and my sisterin law cant'find my friend so she passes the phone to me. I get yelled at and get blamed for bringing his wife to toronto. He threatens that if she is not back by 5 pm that he will throw her out and change the locks! He said i'm being held responsible.

I'm enraged by now. I can't believe that this man would hold me responsible for his 37 year old wife's decision to come to toronto.

She didnt' tell him she was going to toronto. He found out through his parents. (by the way, his fahter just came out of abdomenal surgery and he has to listen to this sons rants and raves!)

Well we got back home sunday and sure enough the locks were changed and the bags were packed. She stayed at my place for almost 2 weeks. My husband and i gave her advice and basically toldher that she's been abused and doens't even realize it.

Anyways....she went back to him tonight, practically ranout the door! And guess who he is angery with? ME! I have become the scapegoat .

Which i told her off before she left and made it very clear to her that i've realized what she has done. She bascially twisted things and used me as an scapegoat and i'm so pist off tonight and i'm so disgusted with both of them! I just had to vent.

Can anyone tell this normal? i help her out and when she's out on her *SS and then she turns to bite the hand that feeds and my cousin who should know better is royally pist off at me when i'm not responsible for his wife's actions?!!! What the hell?

He didn't speak to her for 2 montsh, made her sleep on the couch for 6 weeks and he's pist that she left and i get the blame for this? And he's pist off that i should have told him that she was gooing to toronto????

Is this normal?

oh yah, everything he described, was right! she has to be the most nonmotivated person, lazy,i've ever seen! the dishes were disgusting when she tried to wash them. She never cooked and never wanted to learn how! and she was given my SD bedroom and she preferred the couch instead. She's a teenager in a nutshell that doesn't want to grow up, she wants someone to tell her waht to do and take care of her!

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Ugh, how awful..Guess I would try to see it as a lesson learned and stay out of it from now on. If she comes to you for help again give her the numbers to the nearest womens selters and let her deal with it like a grown up.

As far as the cuz I would just tell him from now on you are out if it & don't want to hear it..

As my son would say :I got enough flakes in the kitchen and they're already frosted."

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 3:31AM
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Yep, stay out of it. They both sound like immature people.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 4:17AM
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Yup definitely staying far from both. Worse part is , is the fact i didn't get involved. My friend involved me. She pulled me in, i shouldhave seen it coming.! i told her before she left that if it happens again that she will have to make other arrangments because i refuse to be made looking like the nosey letch next time. She can sleep over at her moms.
I remember the sunday we came home she wanted me to go in the house with her. I said no. My husband said no. She wanted to stay sunday without facing him. We both said no, you need to work this out , you cannot run away! Its a lack of communication.
My sisterin law in london (we went to visit her as well) told us straight ' she really is a piece of work. she not only involved you guys but involved his parents and now his mood has spilled to two other families here in toronto. she really doesn't think of consequences'
And my sisterinlaw was right. She only thought of herself. and the thought of her running last night....i'm just so disgusted. I'm at the point where i really want nothing to do with both of them. Cause in the last years we've entertained them, invited them over for barbq's and all i hear are complaints from my cousin, why didn't you cook it this way.....he did compliment at times, but looking back now those were few.
I agree popi, both very immature.
Thanks. i have a headache now and i hate going to work in a nasty mood.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 6:46AM
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It's a fairly common scenario for two dysfunctional people to turn on an outsider who has (or seems to have) intervened to help. They can't deal with their own stuff so they project it on the "helper". Weird as their relationship seems, they are both getting something from it or they would not be together. "Once bitten, twice shy" - you are right in dropping them. And you are not the first person in the world who has had to experience this type of lesson.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 11:22AM
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I'm just honestly stunned that they can both function together on any level after seeing and being with them for 3 years now.
My cousin is very abusive. He is the type of man who is not satisfied in anything you do. He will find fault and error and its never going to be his fault. He calls her a wh**e and C**T. you name it when he is angry. I also saw his side of it cause she is just plain unmotivating person. she is happy to do nothing. And after a while we just stopped this year inviting them to barbq's. They just had nothing nice or construstive to give to our lives.
Sure my husband has issues too. I would complain he is unorganized and he doesn't handle the finances cause he's forgettingful and he is a procrastinator in every aspect of his life. But i stopped complaining cause i realized those were not his strong points. Those are mine. I'm the one organized, pay things on time etc..etc...That is not his cup a tea. Took marriage counciling for 6 months to realize to work together instead of being negative towards him.
So i wash dishes, he puts them away, i wash the laundry, he hands them, i pull them down and put them away..etc..etc.. And we have improved but my husband doesn't put me down and call me stupid the way my cousin does.
Its abuse. I told her last week, its your life, your here to breath a bit and think. If you want ot go back its your decision but i never want to hear you complain again about how he treats you. Never. If i see him again i will also tell him never complain about her. Unless you both are willing to change keep your SH** to yourselves.
Both are immature and i wont be sucked in a second time. I dont think she is going to come around again and neither will my cousin. Its a shame cause he's my relative but he's so negative that i think i rather lose that than hang onto the person he has become.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 11:34AM
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"Blood" doesn't cut it. If people -- including several of my own relatives -- can't behave, the only solution is distance. If that results in estrangement, so be it. I wish it was different. It isn't.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 2:05PM
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Well Maria, you seem to have it all sorted.

You don't need that stress in your life, you and your hubbie seem to be happy together.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 8:17PM
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They sound toxic. My parents have been at pretty much that same scenario you describe and they have been married 50 years. No reason for them to stay together, except in some sick way they fit. Weird!

    Bookmark   July 29, 2008 at 9:03PM
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What is seee happening is the fact that your cousin is so abusive he has made your friend depressed to the point that she can't function. She is living up to the being "lazy" name calling, etc.

From what you said, your friend had worked and given money to her mom before marriage, so it definitely sounds like his abuse is causing her personality problems. I don't mean that she could get off scott free but it is very hard for someone who has not been emotionally abused to realize how much it can effect a person. She probably has a type of 'mental' battered woman's syndrome on top of it.

Hopefully, she can get away from him and build her self back up to a point of being able to exist without him. I would stay away from both of them for a while and I wouldn't take what she has done to your too personally. In fact, in time you may come to realizae how mentally messed up she has become because of all this abuse. She herself has resorted to abuseful ways which almost always happens. Think of her as having a mental illness. It's sad. Again, I hope she can get out otherwise he will continue to abuse her and she will probably only get more depressed and abusive hereself.

Here is a link that might be useful: Battered Person Syndrome

    Bookmark   July 30, 2008 at 11:50AM
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I do agree she has a meek character but she has alway been this way. She now is probably completely 100 % controlled by my cousin. Who knows...maybe he did this to reinsurt control over her. Its sad.
Last night she returned my husbands key. She came in quickly exchanged keys and no kisses, no hugs just skidadled out the door. Said she was going to the movies but frankly i dont care waht plans she has.
She definitely has battererd wife syndrome and i'm staying far from both.
She wont leave him. She wants to be taken care of completely. He's quite secure financially so i think she is going to take the abuse for many years to come. But i wont sit back and watch.
And yes, in an odd way they're both meant for one another. She doesn't want to have kids, he's trained her well in that department and from how i saw her with my son i dont think she should have kids.
She commented that my next door neighbours baby was ugly.My husband was in complete shock from the comment.
My next door neighbours baby is the cutest thing i've ever laid eyes on! He has gorgeous blue blue eyes and he has carrot hair. His smile is so infectious and you just want to eat him when he giggles! What type of a human being calls a baby ugly??? How disgusting is that!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2008 at 3:26PM
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If I didn't know her age, I would say that she and your cousin were both 18, and that's actually not fair to most 18 year olds.

The fact is that she is 37, and she used you when she was in a crisis. Then she quickly dumped you and betrayed you when she went back to your cousin. That is not a friend.

I wouldn't call her, write her or visit her. I would even get caller ID on my phone to screen her calls. If I did talk to her, I would keep it short and say I was busy. Eventually, she would get the message.

I would expect a lot more trouble between the two of them in the future. Refer her to a shelter if you have to, but don't take her in. She is definitely being verbally abused, but she needs to take the first step in getting out of the marriage. If she has listened to those kinds of words for ten years, then her husband is taking advantage of her low self-esteem and mental instability.

Watching these two is like seeing a train wreck in slow motion. Wouldn't it be better to spend your time around positive people?

    Bookmark   July 30, 2008 at 5:17PM
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Yes , definitely those two will have problems. Apparently i remember her telling me the night she was leaving that she signed some sort of contract stating that if there was a fight like this again then its straight divorce...i thought about later andi'm still laughing!
I went for marriage counciling for a few months. My husband refused cause he had issues about councilors since his previous marriage failed and he looks at them as a last resort. I personally like saving something at the point in waiting till the end...there might not be anything to save at times!
Anyways...i realized that i had alot of negative peopel coming around. I remember when a particular friend came around , after she left we would get into a major fight...and then we'ld think back why we fought..and it would be over something stupid. Then of course we realize it was her! She would come over and dig info all the negative stuff and it just oozed from her....i started to cut her out of our lives. Then low and behold she was caught drinking and driving. she left our place sober and was arrested that same night. Keeps changing her story...she's out of our lives. We've dumped others and my husband and i finally spoke about everythign last night from A to Z. we realized that we need to keep positive people around us. Not people who can't handle their problems. We all have problems...its just how we handle it.
So yes, our time is spent with more positive people. My friend was the last string left hanging...:)
i was so relieved this morning. She was not on the couch sleeping...didn't have see her at night. Got my routin husband said the same thing as he walked out of the bathroom naked from a shower. I started to laugh, i told him we are not tkaing anymore stray dogs. They can go home to their moms!
Cheers to relaxing!!!! and i'm glad for all your thoughts. I am just amazed how some people can marry and just live like that! wow!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2008 at 8:02PM
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He is controlling her, she is afraid of him and I hate to say it, she needs to leave him.
I can't help that he is your cousin and I really shouldn't have came over to this forum and it is no of my business.
But from her point of view she has giving on on trying to live because of him.
The only way she is going to change is to leave that controlling jerk.
Don't think what I siad is true? Look how quickly she got the heck out of there when he found her. She HAD to blame you because he will not beat the crap out of you like I am sure he does her, or at least threatens too.

As far as him kicking her out, he butt would have landed in jail himself because he can't just kick her out, he would have had to had hre legally evicted. Because she lives there too.

This is a bad situation, I am sorry you got caught in the middle, but someone needs to help her get out of it. Or she needs to get her self esteem back and courage up to walk out the door and not look back.

Just my opinion, but I've been down that road myself, I know what it is like. It isn't easy to walk out, and even though she may tell everyone everything is ok, she has too, and it is not ok...


    Bookmark   August 4, 2008 at 1:21PM
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This poor woman was controlled by her mother for 27 years & now she's under the control of an abuser.

One of the first things an abuser does is to isolate his victim, & one of the most effective ways to do that is to manipulate the victim's behavior so that her friends/family get completely disgusted with her & abandon her.

Then he's in complete control.

Protect yourself, but please don't turn your back on her.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 2:53PM
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