fallen for engaged woman..need advice

noah99July 17, 2007

Alright. I am 23 years old..I recently met a girl who is 21, engaged to another guy...Before I spent time with her out last weekend at a bar, she had already told me of her doubts of getting married..After hanging out with her, i found her to be an amazing girl and I haven't felt as alive and content as i have in a long time. She told me she likes me and wants to get to know me better, but can't because of her fiance. Besides hearing from a friend that he is over possessive and doesnt let her go out much, he seems like a pretty decent guyl; however, she has still told me that she has feelings for me..

Her exact words to me the other day were.."I really like you and I want to get to know you more. I know if nothing else we could be really good friends." Then she went on to say how she cant really see me because her fiance..

I have no doubt in my mind that this girl isn't ready to marry the guy she is currently with..I know what may happen to him could just as well happen to me..but there is something different about this girl..We just seem to connect really easily and we dont even know each other well..and its not really more of a physical connection..id say equally both...

What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated..

I can't come out and tell her to leave her fiance bc its not right..but at the same time..i am 23..i have had my share of bad dates and experiences and when i finally find someone who i truly feels complements me...she is with another man..but comes out and tells me she likes me!


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I think the girl is being very disloyal to her fiance, if she has doubts about getting married, then she should not be talking to you about it.

I think you should encourage this girl to deal with her issues and marriage, you really can't do more than that, at this stage.

You are only setting yourself up for a lot of heartache if she doesn't resolve her issues with her fiance.

You could say to her, "I feel we have a connection, however, its not going to go anywhere, when you are engaged." At least then she knows you have feelings for her. The ball is in her court, then, to do something about it.

Its tricky, I think there might have been a posting about this earlier on this forum, have a look.

If you are meant to be, then I am sure it will happen.

Good luck, my friend.


    Bookmark   July 17, 2007 at 3:16AM
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Noah, while this may not be the easiest thing for you to do, I honestly believe that the best choice for you is to take the high road: you be the one to set the boundaries with her (i.e. "I'm not going to pursue you because you're already engaged and that wouldn't be right."). Choices like this aren't just about being with someone you're attracted to or not: it's an opportunity for you to see what you're made of by being willing to do the right thing even though it kills you inside. The moments that define and shape us - that help us see our true characters - are often the ones where we're forced to make the hard decisions. Trust me on this - I know from my own personal experiences. Obvious fact that she's already committed to someone else (which means she's NOT available) aside, you need to not pursue this not for her, but for YOU - the short run might be agonizing, but in the long run you'll have the pride in yourself of knowing that you did the right thing. That is something you'll have forever.

When someone is engaged, they are simply off limits, and no one else has the right to mess with that relationship.

I know this is hard, Noah. Believe me, I know the agony of having strong feelings for someone who's not available. But this too shall pass - I promise. And if you have the courage to make the tough decision on this, you will feel infinitely better about yourself.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2007 at 9:53AM
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Here is what you do. Say "I like you also, but I will not waste time getting to know an engaged woman. If you decide not to get married, give me a call once you are single."

Then stay away unless she becomes single. You will only get hurt from this situation. She will most likely stay with him and string you along. If she really doesn't want to get married, she needs to get out of it for herself, and not for you.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2007 at 2:20PM
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Don't do this. Find someone else. She's enjoying being attractive and probably doesn't know how to be nice about blowing you off. She's being nice instead of direct. Translation for the "code" she spoke to you is "no".

Remember how many times in your younger days you heard from a woman: "Can't we just be friends?" Remember what that really meant? This is like that.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2007 at 2:35PM
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Chiming in with complete agreement with the above posters. You are cruisin' for a bruisin' with this girl who may be anything in the spectrum from just immature to a real player.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2007 at 2:45PM
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You asked what you should do? Run!
Her major attraction might be that she isn't available. What a challenge. but if you pursuade her that you are the one she might still be going to bars and looking around.
On the other hand, I knew a guy who claimed that women pursued him more when he wore a wedding ring. He was single.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2007 at 4:17PM
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Well, I am going to disagree with the other posters. I think that 21 is way too young to get married, and she is obviously not ready. Hence, the attraction to you. Are you sure she is as attracted to you as you are to her? If so, I think you should keep in touch with her. I won't say pursue her, but let her know of your interest and see if she reciprocates. If she doesn't you'll know soon enough and no harm done. If she does, she saves herself from making a mistake in marriage, and you potentially find love. I know I will be probably ripped for posting this, but as I said I think she's not ready to get married.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2007 at 6:20PM
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Can you expand on your narrow minded opinion as to why 21 is to young to get Married ? I love it when people say that crap to me and my Wife. I usually let them go on & on about "thier wordly experience" in relationships or listen to stories of " how this guy/girl screwed me over ". The funny thing is, most of the Naysayers that I've come across are the same ones that are either Divorced or riding the " MARRIAGE-GO-ROUND ". I'm 42 and my lovely wife is 41, Last month we celebrated our 20 (TWENTIETH) wedding anniversary. So please,I'd like to know why you say it doesn't work.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 6:58PM
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I didn't say it didn't work for everyone, rcr, but I reflect back on my maturity at 21 and am really glad that I waited until I was 28 to get married. I wasn't ready. I'm not narrowminded, just realistic. If the girl truely is showing interest in Noah, then she is not ready to get married. Congratulations on your 20 years together.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2007 at 5:50PM
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Issue isn't 21 or 28. Issue is she's flirting/responding innapropriately although engaged -- or at least acting in a way that he's reading as receptive to his advances. Some older people do this, too. Some younger ones are devoted and focused so it doesn't happen. Depends.

IMHO both of their behaviors would be wrong at any age. Hers for knowing the effect she's having and doing it anyway. His for being informed of her status and pursuing regardless.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2007 at 11:17AM
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I told her how I feel about everything..that i liked her but cannot pursue her, but at the same time she is making a big mistake staying with someone who she's not totally committed to and isn't honest with..
I almost feel like telling her that since she was honest with me she needs to be honest with her fiance..because he doesnt know that we've hung out and she still admits to liking another guy..Although i know we probably wont be more than friends, he should know right? How can you admit to liking someone and still truly be committed to marrying another person..it just doesnt seem right..you can decide for yourself...but i would appreciate advice..

Again she contradicts herself after she wrote this:

So this is a very tough situation. One part of me wants to break up with Dan and never look back. Get to know you more and if we ended up dating, great and if not then maybe I made a great friend. On the other hand I donÂt want to give up 7 years of my life and my best friend.

What little time we spent together, I really did enjoy your company. And I would hate to miss out on getting to know you more. BUT you are right; you are a good-looking single guy and I am not a single girl. And even though I want to spend more time with you, I really need to work on my relationship with my fiancé. Weather we get married, or wait awhile till we are ready...I did say yes to him. And I shouldnÂt run away as soon as it gets hard.

But as a single good-looking guy you will have no problems finding someone else. I def donÂt want to hurt you, so the best thing for us is to go our separate ways. I did not want you to think I was leading you on, I wasn't. I do like you, but I have a commitment to another guy. And you make it hard to keep that commitment to him. I know it will just be easier for you to find someone else anyhow. You have plenty of girls looking at you, lol.

And If Dan and I decide mutually that it isnÂt working out, then I hope its not to late to be your friend.


P.S. I am sure you wont talk to me after this letter, but I just wanted to say thanks for everything.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2007 at 3:37PM
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Advice? Do you need her -- or us -- to make a neon sign for you?

You said your piece. She wrote hers. Move along. Walk away. Be gone.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2007 at 4:20PM
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