I am going to show this to my husband.

skinnyminnyJuly 11, 2010

I want to be completely honest and hope you will have some honest responses. Our marriage is in horrible trouble after 24 years but it began about 8 years ago.

My husband had twin boys, age 4 when we got married. I have raised them as my own and love them as my own. We also have a 16 year old daughter together. None of them have much of a relationship with their father.

When I look back our troubles started after husband lost his job of 14 years when the mill closed. Between the two of us we make only a 3rd of what we used to. Our lifestyle changed drastically. Plus his father died around the same time. But I will say his personality changed after about 10 years of marriage. He went from a mild mannered person to being very negatively vocal about anything that disturbed him. Mostly on the job things. He spent a couple of years in counseling but due to circumstances beyond his control counseling no longer became available to him where he was going. After 3 different counselors he says he will no longer go. Just as he is getting to be understood, a new counselor would be popped on him. So counseling is out for us as a couple.

My husband has little to no respect for me and I believe he has only a small degree of love for me. He has even stated that he has very little feeling about anything, accept anger. He blames his anger issues on the kids. His sons have both stolen from us in the past. One of them had a short termed drug problem so he was the one that we blamed for things coming up missing. Well now we are unsure that it isn't the other son responsible.

It would be way to long involved to explain everything that has happened with these kids and our lack of trust with them. But I am very tired of daily derogatory comments he makes about the kids. He has every right to be upset with them but it is emotionally exhausting for this to be happening as a family. I have told him that he is going to keep riding them until we never hear from any of them again, or that daughter will pack her bags and we will never see her again. I will not be estranged from the kids under any circumstance. But right now the kids aren't what is really making me hurt. It's the total lack of care that husband shows me.

I have always understood that he is somewhat introverted and that he keeps his emotions in check but until we where in counseling what I didn't realize is how little he really feels. And how he disrespects me. It seems it would make writing this shorter if I simply listed some of the things that have really been weighing on my mind.

One of the biggest things is that he will not help keep up my aging father's place. Dad lives across the street from us. I do all the cleaning and yard work. Leaky faucets, deck that needs stained, loose door knob, cabinet door problems. He doesn't help at all. This is the same dad that has given us this property our house is on, cars, big toys...you name it.

Husband quit smoking a year ago. I was very proud and supportive. Now he nags me to quit with such a superior attitude and we have had fights about how my smoke bothers him. I understand that, and have been making a huge effort for my smoke to not invade his space. However, I quit once for 2 years. He did not support me (or not support me, he was indifferent). And he did not quit smoking in the house, in the car or around me. But he expects that of me.

The hothouse he built was supposed to have been for me. But he now uses it for storage of his own things. It was one of the places I would smoke. With warm weather there are very few plants in there. I use it for potting and puttering and smoking when it is raining. The other day he cussed me out for smoking in there because he wanted to do some work there.

It is off-season at his job so work hours are less than usual. During this time he does not do his regular job but acts as maintenance of sorts. He does not like this job. Out of 4 weeks he took off 1 whole week plus part of another week. We can not even fully pay this month's bills. I feel like it is irresponsible of him to be taking that kind of time off. But when I mentioned the bills he flew hot and we had an argument.

A few weeks ago the TV in our bedroom broke. I have a few shows on TV that I like to watch. We do not go out for entertainment so TV is it for us. He will come into the house and take the remote right out of my hand and change the channel. I really don't mind if he changes the channel but would like to be respected enough that he ask for the remote. But, he spends hours and hours watching TV, never asking if there is anything I would like to watch. Will even just flick from channel to channel when there's nothing that really interests him.

Boy, this all sounds so very petty but I took the time to write even if I could not word all this properly. I will come back and write more if I get any response at all. I am thinking that our marriage is not going to last unless I decide I can live with a man that is very angry with life.

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Just want to add a few more things tonite while I have this on my mind.

When we had the argument about me smoking, husband took my cigarettes and ripped them up. I did not really care about the cigs but it just hurt me that he acted like that.

I get the silent treatment when he gets mad at me. This is something he learned from his own father. For a couple of days he won't speak to me, then he will speak when he has to then eventually it will go away. To have him not speak to me is very hurtful.

Much of this I believe stems from depression.
Life is very intolerable when he sits around with a very mean look on his face. Or he will look for things to pick at.

Our daughter is her father's daughter all the way. She will be exactly like him. I see it every day. If only he could recognize that and try to make changes it would help her.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2010 at 12:31AM
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Husband is very concerned about our planet. He tries to be as green as possible.

I misspoke when I said he has no feelings other than anger. We have 3 collies and he loves them very much and often hugs and kisses on them. Definetely is a dog person.

Before he lost his job at the mill he almost always worked time and 1/2. He was a very good provider and hard worker.

I can always trust his word.

There are other good qualities he has I am sure. Right now I am very tired and have hurt feelings so it is hard to think clearly.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2010 at 1:08AM
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Hi there

It is good for you to get all this down, and to ask for some comments from people, and hopefully some good advice.

I am unsure what sort of advice you are seeking ? Perhaps you could think about that and ask some questions.

Are there good times in your life ? Do you do family activities, like sit down and have an evening meal together ?

    Bookmark   July 11, 2010 at 2:13AM
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I'm so sad for you. This does sound intolerable and I think you're right that depression is a big part of it. Sometimes medication will help (and I'm not talking about doping someone up. Sometimes there really are chemical impbalances). But from what you've written it doesn't sound like he would be open to it.

If only one person works on this marriage it won't work; that person will be miserable. Are you able to live on your own? Meaning financially. Certainly physically you're able, as you already take care of things at your father's house. If counseling is out of the question for him, you go for you. It'll help you see things clearly, make some decisions, and put together a plan for either staying or asking him to leave.

Of course this isn't completely him; I'm sure that there are things about you that make him unhappy (we ALL do!). But since you're apparently the only one wanting to work on things, keep working and get it figured out. Don't wait for him to participate.


    Bookmark   July 11, 2010 at 9:33AM
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I think you should show what you've written to him. Be advised that he will likely receive it as an ultimatum so be ready for that. On the other hand, could be a new beginning. Or the end. Don't know how to predict, but you can't live like this. After all this time together, I think he's entitled to know where you're at for real.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2010 at 8:44PM
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