When is enough, Enough!!!

kia13June 30, 2009

I am in need of some advise, I am tried of always settling.

I have been married for the last 10 years (almost 11). For the past 5 years or so - my husband hardly ever comes to bed (unless sex is on his mind). He always sleeps in his Man Cave (on the couch or on the couch in the living room). He works for an automanufactor company (for 7 years) and has always seemed to had worked Second shift jobs, he has been laid off since January. My thing that he spends all his time in his man cave (which is where his computer is). He used to change his schedule to more of a day time schedule when he was off of work but this time he hasn't. He is still up all hours of the night, on the computer playing online games with his friends (all over the US). But the thing is that it is all the time Sunday - Saturday, he never takes a day off. Than he sleeps all day long. Here & there I will ask him to do little things around the house but, I always have to remind him all the time that it needs to be done and he still doesn't do it, So I end up doing it myself (Settling). It just seems as if we are roommates with benefits. I have mentioned to him on more than one occasion that I am tried of being a mother of 2 (we have 1 child,10 year old boy), that I need him to be responsible for other things beside paying his portion of the bills. He always procrastinates on everything but his online games, unless on of his friends (that live around us) needs his help for one thing or another. It is plain that talking about it doesn't so any good. Should I keep settling - it has been almost 6 years and I am getting to the point that enough is Enough. Recently, a friend move in due to hardship and she has been helping with all the things he should be doing, I think he feels that he is off the hook from doing anything. - Any thoughts, as to what I should do??? I feel like it is the never ending battle.

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bill_h

nag nag nag

    Bookmark   June 30, 2009 at 11:45PM
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linda117117

I think the "nag nag nag" is coming from a man whose wife probably has the same complaints about him. He's lazy and irresponsible! Your "husband" is living his life the way he wants to live it. He does what he wants, and lets you take care of the rest. You dont mention time spent with your son, does he do that or is he too busy playing his games? It doesnt sound like a marriage to me. It doesnt even sound like a family to me. It sounds like a big over grown kid living the life he did when he was 15 years old. The only thing different is he has you now instead of his mother. If you've painted an accurate picture of your life, unless he did a drastic change, I'd be throwing in the towel. UGH, who wants to live the next 20 years like that?

    Bookmark   July 1, 2009 at 9:32AM
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asolo

Too weird for me. I'd bring this to a conclusion very quickly. Everybody gets in a funk now and then but years of if is ridiculous. From your description, the guy's turned into a total slug. Tell him to shape up or get out. Ultimatum time.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2009 at 1:16PM
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suzieque

I'd say enough is enough now. Or better yet, 6 months ago. What a slug. How would he react if you were the one acting that way?

Disregard the nag nag nag comment. I think bill h has too much time on his hands (looking at recent posts from him). Kia, is your husband's name Bill, by any chance????

    Bookmark   July 1, 2009 at 2:49PM
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sweeby

If you were to hand your husband a 'clock' with 24 hours of the day on it -- one for weekdays, one for weekends -- and ask him how he thinks he should be spending his time, what do you think he'd do?

He wouldn't be happy, certainly, because your intent would be pretty transparent. But it's a very fair question, and it puts the ball back into his court and gets you off the 'nag nag nag' hook. And there's a chance it could really help, if HE is the one admitting that he spends too much time on the computer and not enough anywhere else. In fact, you may be able to negotiate a time-plan you both can live with.

And if he won't even take the time to fill that out -- well that makes it a lot easier to justify throwing in the towel, if that's what you decide to do.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2009 at 3:04PM
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kia13

Thanks everyone for your responses. And no my husband name is not Bill. lol

When it come to our son - most of the time my husband spends time with him is our son gets to watch him play his games or He comes up with some reason about him misbehaving (and not spending time with him at all). In response to Sweeby - I know that he wouldn't bother filling in a timesheet, he would think that, that was too childish and mundane for him to do.

The most time we ever spend together is either going grocery shopping (if he goes at all) or going out to eat. Everything is always left up to me. Right down to what we eat, to what we do. Don't get me wrong I like to plan stuff, but every single time?! The only answer I ever get is whatever you want or I don't know. He is going back to work soon and I asked him if we are going to do anything as a family before than, And all I get is I don't know.

I think that him acting like a Big Kid is right on. I asked him to straighten out his closet last week (he has just thrown all of his clothes in a big heep in on the closet floor), after I reminded him for the 3rd time, I got - When I feel like it - for an answer.

Thanks again everbody!!

Kia

    Bookmark   July 2, 2009 at 2:53AM
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sweeby

It's not "filling in a timesheet" Kia --
It's a one-time exercise designed to help you clarify your priorities in life and allocate your resources (time) appropriately to meet those priorities.

And if you want him to stop acting like a child, you need to stop acting like a Mom. The dance you're dancing takes two.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2009 at 10:16AM
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carla35

I think you need to nag, nag, nag him into seeing a therapist... sounds like a game addiction problem to me. Well, either that, or throw his computer out the window. Maybe do both...

    Bookmark   July 5, 2009 at 12:55AM
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popi_gw

Imagine what your son is learning about how a man behaves in a domestic situation. Imagine what he thinks about how a husband treats a wife. How does a man manage his clothes, oh, I can see, just throw them on the floor.

It is the son that is being neglected here. Only one chance at growing up, and he has a dad that sits at a computer and appears to have no meaningful communication with him. When was the last time he went for a walk with him, kicked a ball around the park, listened to what happened at school today ?

Kia I am sorry for your situation, in all this, your loneliness, your "mothering" role of the man you married, how sad for you. You deserve better.

I don't think nagging is the option here, it is the "I" statements. But it doesn't sound like he cares, does he, do you think?

Was he ever the man you want him to be ?

I think you need to find a counsellor to help you through this situation, and to work out your options.

Good luck with it all.
Popi

    Bookmark   July 6, 2009 at 1:47AM
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finedreams

agree with popi, your son is learning this behavior from hsi dad. he will be this way when he is grown. I think you need to end it. making a mess or not cleaning his closet i could tolerate but playing the whole night and then sleeping the whole day not what family man should be doing. are you sure he is not doing somehting else on the internet?

    Bookmark   July 7, 2009 at 8:39AM
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mara_2008

Sounds to me like you're 'rearing two sons', kia -- really. How very sad that your DH acts so immature, treats you so badly, and sets such a poor example for your son.

Have you asked him to see a counselor/therapist with you?

Have you seen one by yourself?

I think I would start there. Bottom line, the situation should not continue. It's not healthy for any of you -- your DH, your DS, or yourself.

Also -- do you know what he's doing on the PC all the time? That in itself could be a real issue.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2009 at 3:55AM
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theroselvr

Dr Phil just had a few shows on this topic, if you check out his home page and his you tube page, you might be able to find them.

One had to do with being out of work and the husband not really looking for a job, the other 2 were dedicated to online and how it ruins peoples lives.

Do you really think he's going to go back to work?
You mentioned him paying his part of the bills; what exactly does he pay?
Who pays for the internet? I would actually think to downgrade service or shut it off due to not being able to afford it. He can't play online with dial up. Trust me, I know.

Is he buying computer parts too? My guess would be yes if he's to keep up with his "homies".

Next, and this is something you are going to have to think about - do you think he's having an online relationship with someone he met in one of the games? Is he voice chatting? Is he using the IM? Teamspeak?

Sleeping elsewhere (was due to his job) doesn't bother me as much as him not doing anything but gaming. Your son is learning some really bad habits from him; he's going to think it's ok for guys to do what they want.

Now, if he was home ALL DAY; and not working at all, he should be doing laundry, taking care of dinner as well as cleaning the house and doing the food shopping.

The way I feel, and it seems like I'm on a separation kick today; is to show him the door. Tell him this isn't working for you and you need 7 days to think. Tell him to go visit his parents, then see how you feel. If it is no different with him being gone as it is when he's home, take another 7 days to see if that changes how you feel.

Dr Phil would give you a piece of his mind for allowing him to use you like this.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2009 at 1:19PM
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