Wife going to bars without me often

issuesJune 9, 2007

We have been together for 2 years, married last March. She is 8 years my senior. We have 2 12 yr old girls. In the beginning of our relationship we didn't go to bars too much. Once she moved in we started going to karaoke at a local bar once a week. It steadily increased to sometimes 3 times a week (different local bars). I have always tried to keep it to 1, occasionally 2. I think we should be home more with our kids/family. These bar outings are during the week.

We have developed a set of friends at these bars including the KJ. It usually takes 10 minutes upon arrival to say hello to everyone and we love that. She and I are both outgoing and everyone likes to be liked - no worries.

She and I have fought over going out, me wanting us to stay in. We have also had jealousy/insecurity issues on both sides, a little more on my side and I can admint that. She is one of those people that all them men are drawn to. We have had issues at bars over her engaging men - she often works at making prolonged eye contact. I trust her and do not think she has evil intentions but it still isn't pleasant. I think it makes her feel good to make that connection and know she could "have it".

We have developed a friendship with another married couple. I love them but in some ways I feel they are caustic to our relationship. The wife is bi-sexual, and the husband is a womanizer that cheats, a lot. They have a lot of 3-somes as well. It is a very disfunctional relationship. They are also mixed up in chenicals that I am trying to avoid, as are much of the set of friends we have developed at these bars.

THE ISSUE:

I just took a great job that will have me travelling a fair bit (2-4 day trips during week). I tried to sit down with her and set some boundaries. I do not intend to go out to bars alone while on the road - she would not like that at all. I also asked her to limit her outings to once a week (I really wish it were even less) for a few reasons: 1 we have 2 children at home that go to school in the morning. 2 many men believe there is only one reason a woman goes to a bar without her SO. 3 partying in a bar without your SO is risking a compromising situation.

She and I do have trust issues. Both from previous relationships (her 3rd marriage, my 2nd) and from each other. I have caught her lying (even swearing to God about it). This really impacted trust. Her lie involved a man although I don't feel it was cheating related. Regardless, if she would lie about that... There have been other lies too and I have been informed by some who have known her 10+ years that she is a habitual lier. That is others opinion - not mine. I trust her at the core and I am working on rebuilding complete trust. I haven't lied directly to her but have broken a promise and also been slow telling her something important so I deserve to have to rebuild trust with her too.

We also will often have a set of friends over until early in the morning, partying. I asked her to limit that to when we are both here. I don't like the idea of her here drinking & possibly doing drugs with a group of people until wee hours of the am without me.

She was very controlled in a past relationship and has swinged too far to the other side - if I try to communicate to her about something that makes me uncomfortable and she gets angry and yells about me trying to control her.

I know this is only one side but I have tried to be as objective as possible. I welcome your thoughts. Thanks!

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asolo

You're a troll, right? If you were real, you wouldn't want my thoughts.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2007 at 11:50PM
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issues

That is Mr. Mac-Daddy Troll to you!!! Should I have asked for flames instead? ;)

    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 12:34AM
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carla35

Your guys are too old to be going to bars on a regular basis and to be partying into the wee hours of the morning (and doing drugs --with kids in the house--shame on you!). It doesn't matter if you are there are not, it shouldn't be happening.

You both need to grow up, put your family (kids) first and get some more appropriate hobbies to be spending your time on. Sounds like you wife is very insecure, maybe due to the age difference between you two, and is trying to act like a teenager, not an adult and mother.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 12:55AM
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sweeby

This is not healthy. Not physically, not emotionally, not for your marriage, and *certainly* not for your children.
That it's not healthy shouldn't even be up for debate. Your wife has to be able to see this too -- If she can't, then you've got REAL issues, and need to get your daughter out of that household before she joins in the party.

But since you don't want to be controlling, how about asking your wife what SHE thinks the limits should be?

    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 2:56PM
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scarlett2001

As for those people you are meeting in bars - "lie down with dogs, get up with fleas".

    Bookmark   June 10, 2007 at 4:04PM
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kayjones

LOL, Scarlett - VERY true!

    Bookmark   June 13, 2007 at 6:27PM
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popi_gw

Put the children first. Give them a secure home with parents who are good role models, which you two don't appear to be.

You children will be joining you soon, very soon, and then you will be wondering how they developed a drug problem.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2007 at 4:02AM
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mojo_working

Take your wife to church. Lots of singing. Some meet 2 to 3 times a week. You could develop friends at church including the REV. Churchs love new people. I bet an outgoig fun couple like yourselves would fit right in. Hey, you could bring your daughters to. Like a family.

Your Dirt Leg wife may not like it though. No drugs, or drinking. Finding a threesome or BI action could be a challenge. Her sluttish behavior would gain her the attention she craves.

Your wife is a Lounge Lizard. The only person she respects less than you is herself. She goes to the bar gets drunk, smokes pot, does some blow then gets banged like a bass drum. I bet she comes home looking like she was rode hard and put up wet.

Your post should read: Wife going down without me often. Wake up Man!

    Bookmark   June 23, 2007 at 4:20AM
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rosealee

Mojo,
I started laughing so hard at your post, I spewed my coffee. Thanks for the Lounge Lizard part, funneee.

Thanks for the laugh, Mojo, it brighten an otherwise gloomy day. I going through some stuff and I needed a good laugh.

Lounge Lizard--ROFLMAO

    Bookmark   June 23, 2007 at 10:30AM
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