My daughter is so down, she just found out

rosealeeJune 22, 2007

that her husband is cheating on her. She is an RN at a hospital and works nites. Last nite her cell phone had a message on it from her husband. When she listened to the voice message it was him talking to another woman and asking her if she was comming back. It sounded like they were going down the stairs. (They have stairs in their house) My son in law has one of those blackberry cell phones and the keys were not locked and my daughter and I figure that someway her cell phone was dialed and the conversation between him and the other woman was recorded. He tried to lie out of it at first, but then she got him to admit that it was another woman. He said he was only talking to her on the phone, that she was not over at their house. My daughter let me hear their conversation and he(sil) ask the girl if she was coming back, and she told him yes, as soon as she took her child home. To me it sounds like she was over at the house. Either way he is a cheat. They have only been married a year and she has worked nites all this time... I just know in my heart this is not the first encounter. D@@N him!!!

She is so hurt and sad. I am MAD!!! She works so hard and she does not choose nites, but at the hospital she works at there are no openings for a day time RN as of yet. She gives him(husband) the moon.

I told her to kick him out and scare the living crap out of him. Tell him that she had been a good wife to him and she deserved more. I also told her not to let him back in so easy, and make him earn his way back in. Her trust has been broken and I want her not to be so easy on him which I am so afraid she will be.

The thing is I want to fix this and I know I cannot. How can I be a support to my daughter with out being bossy??? I am so mad right now.

What kind of things does she need to hear from me besides I want to ring his neck and he isn't worth whale puke. That is not good to hear, but that is the way I feel right now... Thanks for letting me vent.

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halfdecaf

I am SO sorry...my daughter isn't of marrying age yet, but if it were her and I were in your shoes, I'd be just as angry right now. This discovery is very fresh, and someone has just hurt your little girl horrifically - so I think that, right now, your "mama bear" feelings aren't all that out of place. It may not be so bad for your daughter to know that someone shares her hurt and anger and is on her side. Of course the anger will eventually need to give way to something more constructive, but right now, it doesn't seem misplaced.

Feedback? Well, I think you're smart ro realize that you can't fix the situation, as much as you may long to. And I actually think the best person to let you know what your daughter most needs to hear from you is her. If I were in her situation, I know that if I were trying to navigate the storm of infidelity I'd probably feel grateful to have my mom check in with me and ask, "What do you need from me? How can I best support you right now?" Ask her, and even if her answer is, "I don't know right now," you give her a huge gift by just being present, walking alongside her, and sharing her pain.

Blessings to you both. I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2007 at 10:49PM
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moonie_57

I think the best thing you can do is not say anything negative about your SIL. Should they manage to salvage the marriage, she'll never forget things that are said... even if they are true!

Sorry that she, and you, are going through this. :(

    Bookmark   June 23, 2007 at 12:22AM
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rosealee

Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions.
I have calmed down. But I too, am very sad for their marriage. I especially appreciate halfdecaf suggestions about just asking her what she needed. I try to be strong for her but when she cries I ball too.
Right now I feel helpless as I am a caretaker for an elderly gentleman and the other lady I swap days with is going to be out for a week. ( I stay with this gentleman day and nite when I work.) I cannot leave him and go see her and it is killing me, we can just talk over the phone.
Her father ran around on me and I FEEL her pain, it is the worse emotional pain I believe there is...
I did not want her to go through what I went through, but now she is and there is not a darn thing I can do about it.
Too little, too late..

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate your support.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2007 at 9:57AM
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Vickey__MN

Listen to her, and as said before do NOT bad mouth him. BUT do not encourage her to go back to him, or let him earn his way back. She is better off without him. Encourage her (subtilly) to go it on her own. Let her learn that she is a good person and she can do it on her own and doesn't NEED a man to be complete. Then when she finds a man trhat completes her, she (HOPEFULLY) won't fall for one who obviously doesn't think she's worth nothing so he can cheat on her.

Vickey-MN

    Bookmark   June 23, 2007 at 12:18PM
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popi_gw

Consolation for your daughter, and positive thoughts.

I would not enter into negative discussions about her recalcitrant DH.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 3:28AM
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amyfiddler

It's always complicated when mom knows...it's important that she have a confidante somewhere that doesn't take sides. If she and her husband can work this out, which they can if they both want to, then they need people cheering them on heart and soul. Otherwise, each time they see you it will remind them of their failures -

I recommend the BEST book written for this situation, for her: How Can I Forgive You, by Janis Abrahms Spring. Also, After The Affair by the same author. She's excellent.

Better to work it out with a willing parter and create a real relationship (it wasn't real before and during the affair) than to leave, bitter and with baggage. On the ohter hand, if he or she is unwilling, then there's not much that can be done.

There are few things in this world more profound and meaningful than going through the painful process of forgiveness and repentance. Once accomplished correctly, nothing can compare. As a mother, your (faked if necessary) neutrality will allow her to make that decision to stay and work on it or to leave, all on her own, which will make her stronger. Hard, isn't it?

This life is about learning and growing, changing, discovering what you didn't know about yourself, tweeking, perfecting - this could be an amazing opportunity as painful as it may be for your daughter and husband to truly look at themselves and each other for what is real and what they could have once they become real with each other. Just stinks that sometimes people have to do it the hard way!

    Bookmark   June 28, 2007 at 1:17AM
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rosealee

amyfiddler, thanks for the advice!! They are working it out!! I am staying out of it, and faking my neutrality. I am working on forgiving my sil. They have made an appointment to a marriage counselor, and I hope for them that they work out the best solution for each. I want the best for my daughter. She confided alot at first, and used my shoulder to cry on, but as they have begun to work it out, she has said less and less. Only that they are going to marriage counseling. I have only seen my sil once since this all happened and that was at a cookout with another family member's house and alot of our family was there. I felt very awakard, but managed to get through it.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2007 at 12:20AM
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sylviatexas1

"I am working on forgiving my sil"

Nah, you don't have to forgive the little...guy.

You are the momma;
your job is to protect your daughter, so keep your wits about you & be on hand for her in case this doesn't work out.

Don't waste your energy on "trying to forgive" him, just keep on faking your neutrality & *behave* as though everything's rosy & as though you don't know what you do know.

Kudos to you for caring.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2007 at 3:07PM
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rosealee

Sylvia, you are right... I have thought and thought about what you have said before I posted, and nah... I haven't even BEGUN to forgive him. Yes, I am faking forgiving him for her sake...I could pinch his head off! My daughter is the most important person in the world to me and he was the one who betrayed her. So yes, you are right..but, I had to search inside myself and be truthful and admit that I haven't wanted forgive him. Thanks, Sylvia for the support and advice, also the enlightment.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2007 at 12:31AM
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