Is he cheating?

Jamie_LAJune 8, 2002

For those that have been down this road before, are there any telltale signs? I'm just asking hypothetically. What if you 'strongly' suspect, do you go out looking for proof?

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What would 'proof' add to the situation, if one person is already highly suspicious of the other?

If it would add useful knowledge and information it might be something to consider. If it would 'legitimize' or somehow be used to justify adding more pain and being hurtful to a relationship, it's probably not necessary or useful.

Exploring one's own personal questions and issues from the side of the partner who wasn't cheating is probably a good move. That can clarify what is wanted in the short or long term in all kinds of 'what if' situations. It can also help to have a counselor of some kind as a more objective third party to help assess the 'clues' or kinds of reasons it is felt that the other is cheating.

The problem of telltale signs is that they mostly regard how the person seems 'changed' in manner or dress and habits. That can happen with other things than cheating, which may or may not also be negative. This sensation can be felt internally about someone else, as a result of one's own biological processes too... Someone who is very sensitive about 'abandonment' or who is fearful and anxious can, as a result of that feel like and interpret events in their life so that it reinforces those internal states.

some people in some circumstances do go out looking for 'proof' or hiring private investigators to do that (it's probably better if there is a possibility of catching someone in some 'wrongdoing' which is highly emotionally charged, to have someone more objective and professional in that situation)

    Bookmark   June 9, 2002 at 9:50AM
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What makes you think he is? Could you have gotten the idea on your own thinking because of changes and now because you're thinking this, each thing that happens and is said points to cheating?

I think people who cheat aren't always the same or go about it the same way. There will be signs but what you see probably won't be what someone else sees sometimes. Many people never see any signs until after the fact.

Also, has he done this in the past? Do you trust this man or has there been issues with that? It's really hard to tell you what is going on because we aren't in your situation. Maybe some more details would help us figure out how you got to thinking cheating was a possibility.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2002 at 10:18AM
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If you were to ask him flat out if he is cheating and he says NO. Will you believe him? Because if not, it doesn't matter if he is, is going to, or will never because the trust is already gone.

Having said that......I have no experience with a cheating husband. But I do have experience with cheating boyfriends. In retrospect:

1. Spending way too much time with that certain person who is "just a friend".
2. Acting too familiar with this person - sharing food or drink, sitting too close, laughing too much, etc.
3. Personal changes. Dressing better, paying more attention to their looks, losing weight or working out, becoming pre-occupied with their hair or hygeine when they never cared before. Starting to wear cologne or aftershave that they've had for years but never used.
4. Taking a lot of showers at strange times (immediately whever they come home, before they run out to the store, etc.).
5. Suddenly working a lot or working late (check the pay check). Suddenly needing to give the buddies a hand a lot more than normal.
6. Excuses to get away during "date important" holidays like Christmas and New Years.

But truthfully, if you are suspecting it (or someone else is suspecting it or whatever) then there must be reasons. No?

    Bookmark   June 10, 2002 at 4:06PM
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I do have some experience with a cheating husband, and all of the signs listed by Dances were present. Some of the other signs were:
1. Hang ups when you are the one answering the phone.
2. Getting irritable about simple questions.
3. Changes in your relationship--such as acting more distant or being overly attentive.

Speaking from my own experience it probably wouldn't do much good to ask him straight out. If he will cheat-he will lie. Also he will probably try to make you feel guilty for not trusting him. Just keep your eyes and ears open for any changes.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2002 at 3:19AM
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If you really want to know, spy on him. Get a caller ID box and hide it under the sofa or in a closet. Have your calls forwarded to a cell phone without telling, see who calls. Borrow a car and get a disguise, follow him or show up where he will be, discretely. Check his car for "female hair that isn't yours". All women lose hair. Check credit card purchases. Send him flowers at work that say "Love, Me" and see if he thanks you.
Just remember, you may not want to know what you find out.
I was with a cheater before, and it really hurt my feelings to know that someone wouldn't be mature enough to end a relationship with me before starting another, while decieving me. It's selfish, like, they are testing things to see if they work out, and you are the safety net.
Trust your instincts,

    Bookmark   September 26, 2002 at 1:19PM
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My sister just discovered that her husband has been cheating. He became very moody over time (not easy maintainng 2 relationships I guess) and was leaving for work early because of bad traffic (2 hours?) or coming home late for the same reason. He would be on the phone and end the conversation as soon as she entered the room. She says that everytime that she would go out to work in the garden, he would make a mad dash to make a phone call. She ended up buying an earplug headphone for her cordless so that she could still appear to be working on the garden instead of listening in and sure enough, he was calling a former girlfriend of hers. She got the cell phone records for his phone and bingo .... talk about evidence. Some items of his clothing would disappear and reappear. This is the second time she is going through this. The last time was 2 years ago. He has an appt with an attorney and she only hopes it will be over soon. Its sad to see a 29 year marriage go down the tubes. You would think that after all those years, there would be a stronger bond than that!!! The worst thing about it ... judging from what I have seen happen to friends is that the new relationship is very short lived. Even if they marry - it seems to last no more than a couple of years and in one instance - only 3 months. Keep your eyes and ears open. There was once a PI on a talk show on TV that said that intuition is usually on target and that if the changes have come to the point of drawing suspicion, there is usually something there - even if only an emotional not physical relationship. Hope that you are one of the ones whose intuition is not accurate - but be vigilant.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2002 at 5:39AM
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Oh goodness, Rosie! I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's marriage. But she sounds very smart! And I'm sure that will carry her further than he ever did or ever will. Good luck to her.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2002 at 8:17PM
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I would want proof, when I got it I would see a lawyer about protecting the assets before I confronted my husband. My sis hired a detective, the man waited outside the husband's place of business then followed him. It was very simple to do, my sis could have done it herself.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2002 at 11:43PM
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i need help, is he cheating if he is emotionally intimate with other girls over the internet??

    Bookmark   February 24, 2009 at 7:11PM
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I have just experienced the same with DH re: emotional intimacy via internet. Yes, I'd say it's emotional unfaithfulness. What's the bigger betrayal, the betrayal by emotional intimacy or betrayal by physical intimacy? I'd say for some women it's the latter, but for most, it's the emotional aspect of connecting with someone outside of the marriage.

For example, my marriage has just ended since (not so)DH has decided to explore the potential of the relationship with a woman he dated briefly 31+ years ago, but was reconnected with recently via Facebook. After three weeks, they've connected emotionally but I know they have not slept together (her Christian values), but he has left our marriage based on a promise rather than reality. So, he has not been "unfaithful" in the physical sense, but certainly in the emotional sense. Either way, our marriage is over.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2009 at 3:20AM
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" he cheating if he is emotionally intimate with other girls over the internet??"

In my opinion, yes. That's the reason my marriage ended. I have no way of knowing if it went any further. He lied to me about it when I confronted him, and he sent messages after he said he wouldn't anymore. End of story for me. In my case the internet was not the only issue, and I found out after that he had other issues/habits/behaviors that I did not like at all. Amazing what one can find out about their spouse.

I'm sorry Mtnwoman, I know what that's like.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2009 at 2:26PM
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"cheating" is about a betrayal of trust, and secrecy.

So anything that falls in that category, including online stuff, emotional attachments, etc. would be experienced and dealt with the same way.

In my opinion, it is a symptom. The larger problem would in fact be the reason for the ending of a relationship - the cheating is just a catalyst. This also leads to my other opinion, that being that affairs, cheating, etc can be resolved and a relationship can be restored to a new place if the original problem is also addressed.

Many people choose not to take that path. Some because they don't know the other is an option - or they don't believe it's possible....or else they don't choose it because it is no longer appealing and they believe that leaving is more appealing than the effort to heal and re-create. Also, if both partners aren't interested in the work and healing, then healing is not an option.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2009 at 3:26PM
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Would watching online porn all the time constitue as cheating? If so, that really stinks on my husbands part!!!

    Bookmark   February 27, 2009 at 3:03PM
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Geo, if the partner is aware of it, and it's not hidden, and it's agreed that this is acceptable between the two, then I would not call it cheating.

An addiction, most likely.

Then, you've got two people colluding to maintain an addiction. Problematic, but different dynamics all together.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2009 at 3:35PM
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If it's an internet thing the 'cheating' litmus test I suppose is how the other partner feels about it.

It might be argued it's not much different than fantasising about another person, or viewing pornography - it has a similar abstractness about it (unless it's someone they chat to every night.

As for spying on your partner, I'm not saying if you do it's a terrible act that somehow vindicates the otherwise guilty partner, but you open pandora's box - so you get what you ask for when you spy on them.

What if they turn out to be completely innocent? It's possible but admittedly a lot of the time it's not, and the other partner's had reason to suspect, but if they are innocent a lot of damage could be done.

Finding out your partner spied on you could be a dealbreaker for some.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2009 at 2:54AM
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pjb99, I didn't spy on him. I woke up and saw him watching it after we had intercourse. I asked him what he was doing, he said he couldn't sleep so he was watching it. I went back to bed. The next morning I confronted him about it. He said that he looks at porn about 3 times a day. I told him that I felt like I was enough for him and I feel like he is cheating on me when he looks at it. I am no prude, but I just don't like it.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 10:38AM
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with porn as common and "normal" these days as ketchup on your fries, you're going to be hard pressed to find a man to empathize with your pain.

The real issue is, if you say this is painful to you, then something needs to change.
It doesn't help, does it, when someone says, "well that shouldn't hurt."

At least you can remind yourself that you didn't cause this addiction, nor can you control it. You may contribute to his issues that he chooses to numb with porn, but that would be the second phase of resolving this, behind the acknowledgement that this is a problem (simply by virtue of the fact that it hurts YOU).

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 11:34AM
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I think amyfiddler might be doing men a disservice by saying not many would sympathise - certainly a lot of men (and women) look at porn, but if it was to hurt their partner that's another thing. If they continued to do so, then there's a problem.

If both people enjoy watching it, more power to them, but if it hurts one, that's another thing

    Bookmark   March 5, 2009 at 8:38PM
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I should be more clear, then - I think a LOT of men would sympathize with a woman's "pain". However, I think that most men would not find anything wrong with pornography itself - it's not like it used to be, a shameful entertainment provided only in back alleys.

For goodness sake, porn stars are household names. Used to be the word PORN itself was a four letter word.

I'm not saying that most men indulge in porn to the dismay of their spouses, but I am saying that most men who look at porn don't identify it as being "wrong". Thus, they have a hard time when their partners come to them and say, "this hurts". The general response is, "why should it hurt? It's just porn."

    Bookmark   March 6, 2009 at 1:12PM
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I sure don't see the point in arguing just for argument's sake. Afterall, if both people enjoy watching porn, then there would be no issue and no woman telling her husband that it bothers her, would there? And therefore, no reason for any woman to wonder if it could be considered cheating and no reason for her feelings to be hurt, right? So, why would anyone need to be told the difference. I completely agree with amyfiddler that the first thing a guy will say is some arbitrary and insensitive statement that extracts his wife/partner from the scenario to make her think she is being overly sensitive or controlling. Same goes for internet relationships. No fair transferring attention and affection like that, plus it's downright disrespectful. My ex husband thought he was going to entertain a woman who liked him in our basement. "Oh, she's just a "friend."' He quickly learned differently. These internet relationships are the same kind of thing. Would you allow your husband to have frequent female visitors?

    Bookmark   March 7, 2009 at 4:33PM
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