phoggieJune 7, 2009

Hey Cat~~

We haven't heard from you in quite some time.....any changes in your life?.....did you move on?

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The silence from Cat makes me think that, perhaps, she is in the midst of change. Cat, I hope thing things are working out well and that you come back soon and fill us in.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2009 at 5:26PM
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catlettuce (My Page) on Sat, Jul 11, 09 at 12:52

Hmm, yes some transition. DH found a condo for us to move into until the house was complete. Rather than ask SS to move into his own place as I requested. I now get to move twice-oh goody!
I have not been back to the house since we left and I won't. I feel pushed out of my own home because DH put adult kids wants before me, again. I want nothing more to do with his kids, and will be polite in situations where I am forced to be around them but the relationship between DH's kids and I is over. I do not care to repair it or work on it and I am sure the feeling is mutual so works for me.

I'm not sure if he is still paying all the bills and mortgage there and really do not want to know about it anymore. If he chooses to pay two households that is up to him.

As far as DH I , we get along ok alone. I don't particularly think he or I are happy in the marriage anymore. I decided to give this until the house was complete and then decide what to do but no work has been done on the house at all.

We went up north together for the holiday and he spent the entire time working on a old boat so we really didn't have any time to re-connect like I had hoped and verbalized to him. I was very excited to be going away together for the weekend but I think he was disappointed that when he asked if SS could come up I said lets go alone this time. I give up, I'm just done trying.

I'm doing my own thing this weekend-off to get a pedi and he's doing his, he is over at what is now SS's house working on the old boat again. I feel he just cannot put or marriage first ever. It will always be this way should I choose to stay.

I have gotten my lisensure togeter in another state and barring any miraculous effort to actually show an interest in me as a person and our marriage I'll be signing the house over to him and leaving within a few months. I wanted to try moving in here with him hoping it would be just the two of us and we could get back to where we were at the beginning or at least get back some intimacy in our marriage but I think just too much has happened.

He stays on his computer or in another room and we don't really spend much time together except for grocey shopping or dinner occasionally. We went t a baseball game the other night with some business associates o his, it was fun, but we really don't do any thing just for the sake of being together and enjoying each others compay anymore. It's very sd but I am sure he probably would like to get on with his life too and just won't say it or be the one that makes the move.

I love him & I think he still loves me but I do think the situation is beyond repair. And just because we love each other doesn't mean it's fixable. I have been to a lot of counseling the past 6 months and feel pretty solid that things are not going to be any different 1,2 or even 5 years from now should I stay in the marriage.

That's my update. I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile, my work hours have been long and moving and all, you know how it is. I hope you all are well.


    Bookmark   July 11, 2009 at 12:54PM
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good luck in whatever you decide. the fact that he asked if SS could come on vacation with you (knowing that you want to work on the marriage) says it all. it seems too bizzare that you had to move out of your house but SS still lives there. i wish you the best. i doubt anythig would ever change, maybe moving on and filing for divorce is not a bad idea, then you can go to a different state and work there and eventually settle there. maybe even moving closer to your son. life is too short.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2009 at 3:22PM
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I swear sometimes I start to feel as though I'm losing my mind.
So last night, I was not quick enough to disrobe for him and when I did it was cold and I got under the covers.
Umm sorry I have never been comfortable letting my girls hang out. It's just not my thing. I understand he is obsessed with the breasts (but after awhile when that is ALL your man sees in you it starts to become a turn off because I feel that's all I am to him.)

He says to me "It's not even worth it anymore."

Then I said it's ok I'm just cold and you know rubbed up on him and stuff cause I thought he wanted to be intimate & he just turned over said "that's ok, you don't have to" and went to sleep.

That really hurt my feelings. And I have talked to him about needing more in bed that just Boob fondling & intercourse, but he just will not change it. So I usually just deal with it but have not been in the mood the past few weeks. He is just SO negative towards me in daily life all the time. How can you get turned on when you know your man doesn't like you as a person?

I have asked him to go to a gallery and then out to eat & maybe some casino for afew hours together Sunday, and or go to a concert Sat but he said no to both. They do not interest him. But he said I could go over to the old house and watch him work on the boat and go fishing (I cant touch the fish highly allergic-he knows this). We spent last weekend up north and he worked on boat all weekend.

I'm trying, I really am, but nothing and I mean nothing I say or do makes him happy. He does not want to spend any couple time with me unless it involves going on boat, working on the boat. We used to go to festivals, motorcycle rides, just out to have fun at least once every few weeks..

Ugh..but that remark was just so cutting. It would be like me looking at his manhood and saying the same thing..

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 11:11AM
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Hugs to you Cat~~
I wish it were better news regarding your DH and your relationship.......but sorry to say, I think it is time you cut your losses (and his also) and go your own way.
He doesn't want to change and SS and the boat seems to always come before you~~~ Life is too short to be so miserable as you seem to be.
Good luck and check in with us from time to time...'cause we care about you.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 11:30AM
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Spoke to dh about that comment. He denied that he said it like that & said he just meant that I make it so hard on him @ that it wasn't meant that way. Makes me wonder if I am over sensitive or misunderstood. But I swear it happened just as I explained it. I don't know, I feel like I'm being gaslighted. If I joke or kid around with him I am terorrizing him but things like that get said and it still gets twisted around to be my fault or me misunderstanding. He is the poor hubby @ I am the ungrateful baddie. No apology though. I'm just not buying his version of it. I was here. Dh changed my oil & filled up my gas tank today. That's what I mean he does really nice stuff like that a lot esp after incidents or disagreements.makes me feel a bit unsure of myself & my memories of events.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2009 at 11:21PM
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abusive people often do little things to seem nice, it is not a big deal that he changed oil or filled gas, it is not 1800s, women can do it themselves. you don't need your husband for that. i knew some emotionally abusive men and i am sorry yours sounds like one. and yes they like to change oil to show how nice they are. yes it is a technique of abusive men to make you question yourself. like you are oversensitive, so you start belieiving it is your fault, he really didn't mean it this way.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 9:32AM
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Thank you FD, that confirms what I am thinking. Getting the feeling I am being gas-lighted! It constantly makes me second guess everything..but now it is so routine it is almost predictable.


    Bookmark   July 15, 2009 at 9:43AM
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.... He denied that he said it like that & said he just meant that I make it so hard on him @ that it wasn't meant that way. Makes me wonder if I am over sensitive or misunderstood. But I swear it happened just as I explained it. ..... it still gets twisted around to be my fault or me misunderstanding. .....makes me feel a bit unsure of myself & my memories of events.

Absolutely, positively abusive. I lived it. The second guessing, twisting around, making you question yourself and your memories....

You need to continue on your path and get out of this marriage. I'm sorry things worked out this way for you. But you need to save yourself. He will NOT change. I feel bad for my ex's fiance. I had the occasion to talk to her once, and told her if she ever needed anything, to call me. Me and the ex have no contact, (no kids), so I don't know what their relationship is like, but I can guarantee she'll be ex #3 someday. BTW, my ex never bothered to learn much in bed either.

I forgot, how long have you been married? Have you read any of the Patricia Evans books? "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Survivors Speak Out". I stumbled across those and it was as if the author was a fly on the wall at my house. Those will REALLY open your eyes.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 7:44AM
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Hi Weed,
No I have not read any Patricia Evans but have heard her name before. I will amazon for the books you mentioned, thank you for the suggestion.

More later I'm at work & can't write too much right now, but wanted to thank you.


    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 2:26PM
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I'm glad you're considering getting the books. It is simply astounding to me that verbally/emotionally abusive people do the EXACT same things. Like they have some kind of handbook. Always remember that he WILL NOT change, and if you think you can 'help' him by explaining what's really going on in your relationship, you are mistaken. Knowing what he is doing and recognizing the way it is done will go a long way in helping you. Unfortunately at the same time you will be so mad at yourself for letting it go on for so long. At least I was. I am a very strong person, and consider myself smart, yet I was a victim. It took me a long time to forgive myself for staying as long as I did. If you want to write privately, feel free. Just click on "my page" for my contact info.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 6:57PM
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You are absolutely correct~~~~I have also lived in an emotional abusive relationship.....and yes, I am still kicking myself for letting him do this to me for so long while I was thinking that he would change....WRONG!!!!
I have told Cat through this site that he is abusive, but
had some others who strongly disagreed with me....but I doubt if they have ever walked in Cat's (or our) shoes. I do hope she has the strength to get out of this mess and start a new life for herself.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 9:57PM
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Worse than thinking he would change were the "if I would just do this" thoughts. That's one of the things that drags it out for so long. You keep thinking if you could change this or that little (or big) thing about yourself, your marriage would improve/be ok. Trouble is, it doesn't work. If you "fix" the thing about yourself that he's picking at/complaining about, here comes the next thing. And that's just it. They seem like such little things. So it seems reasonable to 'work on them'. Augh. It's madness.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2009 at 10:38PM
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Cat, passive-agressive (and sometimes, narcissistic) guys often do 'nice things' to 'make up' for treating their women like dirt. I've seen and heard of that more times than I care to remember.

I'm pulling for you here. Hope everything works out for you. (((hugs)))

    Bookmark   July 27, 2009 at 3:50AM
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