Marriage isn't easy

robslatt4567June 30, 2008

I have been married for nearly 10 years and we have a 9 year old daughter. It has been a rough 10 years but it seems better than divorce. I'm sure we have been abusive at time to each other. I'm not sure who is more abusive. -I have given probably as much as I took. I'm 47 and my wife is 39. I don't want a divorce but this isn't working out like a bed of roses either. Isn't this just life?

Usually, I stay downstairs and she stays upstairs and the days usually go by OK.

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How do you think your daughter has been affected by you and your wife's behavior ?

    Bookmark   June 30, 2008 at 11:38PM
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I wouldn't call what you have a marriage, and I wouldn't want a daughter of mine to think that this is the way it has to be.
Doing nothing (which is what you and your wife are doing) is not going to fix the problems you have. Sh!t or get off the pot. You and your wife need to go to a professional to help you get back on track or one of you needs to take the first step and end it. This is not a way to live and it isn't "just life". I'm sure your wife would like to be happy just as much as you do. Doing nothing is not a option. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   July 1, 2008 at 7:03AM
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Marriage can be a wonderful companionship and an example of loving partnership that we teach to our children.

Are you capable of doing this?
Is your wife?

Because right now, what you are teaching your daughter to expect is a grudging drudgery with resentment a smattering of abuse. Is that the kind of marriage you want her to have? You owe it to her to show her that better things are possible, and that she should not settle for less. Either fix your marriage or end it -- I'd vote to try to fix it first for your daughter's sake.

Fixing a marriage is hard work, and will entail more emotional risk than you may be willing to give. But its necessary.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2008 at 11:14AM
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I agree with everyone else. Without knowing for sure how bad or abusive the relationship is, I would try to save marriage. You will really need to work on it and it may take more than you want to give.

If you want to try to save the marriage, may I suggest you try/act like you are in love. You may not feel like it, and it may seem like too much to give... But sometimes you can "fake" your way back into a loving marriage. Imagine or try to recall a time when you really did put your wife first... maybe when you were courting. Give without expecting anything in return. You may be surprised at how your wife reciprocates. But, don't fall back into the abusive mold just because she may not always react how you would like her to. You need to keep going, keep trying and keep giving. Don't even ask what is she going to do. Just do on your end what you are capable of and see what happens. Good luck.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2008 at 12:21PM
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Thank-You All for the good advice. I am trying and so is my wife. We are not the ideal people in a marriage but we are real people in this marriage. I got myself into this and I'm trying to make lemonade from these lemons. Physicians are not very high on my list right now. (Lawyers and the courts are even lower) I tried personal counseling last year and the shrink was really lame. He kept looking at his watch during the meeting and ended 5-10 minutes early. Another wasn't real interested in helping me when I told him I don't think I needed medication. I sleep fine at night -just ask my wife! Thats part of the problem! I'm out like a light within minutes.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2008 at 8:20PM
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think about what attracted you to her, what qualities did she have that are still there and are they important to you
what habits does she have that you absolutely cannot tolerate
seek counseling-if she's not willing to go-you should go, at least for a short time
don't do nothing!!

marriages can be resurrected-but both parties must be willing to try-
20 years ago we were going through a rough patch-we're still married and these last 20 years have been a 180
from the first 15

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 9:48AM
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Sounds like you had a dud for a counselor -- but they're not all like that. Try another one.

Or try something on your own without counseling -- Maybe date night once a week where you plan a night out designed to please your wife -- dinner, maybe a movie (something she'd like), you even hire the babysitter.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 11:10AM
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You must give it one more try for your daughter's sake. Perhaps you will need to try a few counselors before you find a good one.

I am not sure what kind of abuse you are referring to, but it will have to stop.

Living in separate areas of the house isn't healthy and it sounds like you and your wife weren't talking much or doing a lot together. Hopefully, that has changed now.

You both need to make your best effort for your daughter's sake.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2008 at 9:13AM
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If you decide to go back to counseling, see if you can interview your counselors before you actually go in for a visit. This way you might have better luck matching yourself up with someone who is going to pay attention to you and to your needs, someone you feel comfortable talking to, and someone who can help you explore your feelings.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 8:21AM
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No marriage isn't easy. I agee with you. But it doesn't have to be like that (say's me who's marriage is eerily similar to that).

For the sake of your young daughter I would interview a few more therapists and find one that you and your wife would be comfortable with and really try to get to the bottom of your issues as a couple.

You don't want her settling for the same sort of marriage you have now do you?


    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 12:00PM
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