Just shoot me now!
Recently my eye swelled up, looking like someone had washed my face with the sidewalk. I went to the opthomologist - who has to be all of 14 years old and bears a striking resemblance to Malibou Barbie - told me that culprit was a blocked gland. Very common among menopausal women and to spend 15 minutes, 4 times a day with hot compresses over my eyes to prevent this occuring again.
That means a day in the life of Sultana consists of HRT, running and weight lifting, Rogaine, 4 different vitamins, 3 mineral supplements, facial hair bleach, an endless supply of Post-its and now hot compresses and eye drops.
In spite of all this, my blood pressure is higher than it should be (it always used to be borderline comatose), my mustache is impervious to bleach or depilatories, my hairline is still ratty, my waistline is only a fond memory, the brain farts are affecting my ability to work, I'm struggling to stay under 200lb. and I'm falling asleep during Lawrence Welk, just like I used to laugh at my grandmother for doing. I am convinced I'll be bald, blind, bearded, toothless, incontinent, 485lb. and wandering the neighborhood aimlessly in my underpants long before my 45th birthday.
Somebody please, either convince me this is not a losing battle or just lay me on my shield or the nearest ice floe and point me downriver.
(a very discouraged) Sultana