Just shoot me now!

SultanaNovember 29, 2001

Recently my eye swelled up, looking like someone had washed my face with the sidewalk. I went to the opthomologist - who has to be all of 14 years old and bears a striking resemblance to Malibou Barbie - told me that culprit was a blocked gland. Very common among menopausal women and to spend 15 minutes, 4 times a day with hot compresses over my eyes to prevent this occuring again.

That means a day in the life of Sultana consists of HRT, running and weight lifting, Rogaine, 4 different vitamins, 3 mineral supplements, facial hair bleach, an endless supply of Post-its and now hot compresses and eye drops.

In spite of all this, my blood pressure is higher than it should be (it always used to be borderline comatose), my mustache is impervious to bleach or depilatories, my hairline is still ratty, my waistline is only a fond memory, the brain farts are affecting my ability to work, I'm struggling to stay under 200lb. and I'm falling asleep during Lawrence Welk, just like I used to laugh at my grandmother for doing. I am convinced I'll be bald, blind, bearded, toothless, incontinent, 485lb. and wandering the neighborhood aimlessly in my underpants long before my 45th birthday.

Somebody please, either convince me this is not a losing battle or just lay me on my shield or the nearest ice floe and point me downriver.

(a very discouraged) Sultana

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

First of all let me suggest you lay off the "Lawrence Welk Show". That will put any one to sleep!! LOL.... but I hear ya. It's not easy going through this stage by any means. I've been experiencing the "Peri" part for about 3 years now and only went on HRT 6 mos. ago. That has been a Godsend right there. The exercise is a big help also. It sounds like you are dong everything right. That opthamalogist sounds like a quack to me though. To blame everything on Menopause from now on is a cop out to me. And I hear ya about the many vitamins/minerals we must take to survive and the post-its; you had me cracking up but I know this is no laughing matter for you. Just want you to know you are not alone by any means. There are many of us out here with similar symptoms and I agree, it's not easy but we must be strong and tell ourselves we will survive. If you feel the need to lean on someone you can lean on me......Hang in there....Linda/NJ

    Bookmark   November 29, 2001 at 1:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sultana, I can't offer you any useful advice but your post made me laugh! I so identify with this...except for the swollen glands, you poor thing.

I hear it gets better. I hope it gets better. Here's a link to another site...there is a post-menopause forum which is a teeny bit encouraging. Hang in there!


    Bookmark   November 30, 2001 at 9:26AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for the encouragement girls. It helps.

Yesterday was just really lousy. I'm going through a sleeplessness cycle - which I forgot to mention along with the hot flashes (Psst - hot stock tip - buy Kimberly-Clark. I'm going through about a box and a half of panty liners a day these days. K-C is bound to show a huge profit), the Metamucil and resultant gamma flatulence.

As for Dr. Barbie's diagnosis, it made perfect sense. Everything else is drying up, why not my eyes? Her recommendations are helping.

I bucked going on HRT for 2 years because of the BC risk (Mom and Big Sister had it and my score on the profile was that of an 83-year-old). After spending several weeks crying on the bathroom floor for no apparent reason, I caved in last April. What's the point of living 80+ years if you are miserable for the last 40?

The GOOD news is, I went to Boobs-R-Us for my 6 month check-up yesterday. The "density" they have been watching has disappeared. The medicos figure that the HRT must be benefitting my breast tissue. Oh yeah, the m'gram hurt like hell, which I'm guessing is an indication that I'm regaining some muscle mass.

Linda, watching Lawrence Welk is an obsessive-compulsive thing, like gawking at roadkill. It makes me wince, but I just can't help it!


    Bookmark   November 30, 2001 at 11:43AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi Sultana...so glad today is a better day for ya. It is rough going through this Peri meno stage but there's no escaping it. At times I feel the devil has taken over and I am totally out of control. I ended up quitting my job in retail back in March partly due to this. My hormones were so out of wack and I had no energy and my family life was suffering. I thought that when I quit my job I thought that the symptoms of hot flashes, depression, and lack of energy would improve but I continued to go downhill and knew I would never survive the summer with the hot flashes that I was experiencing. HRT has been a Godsend for me. I felt at least 10yrs younger once I started this. Actually I am almost 50 (in March) but was feeling at least 60 before the HRT. Like you I am also now taking a couple of handfuls of Vitamins/Minerals.This is what I take: in the AM I take a multi/mineral vitamin, 500mg's Calcium, Vit. E, and in the PM I take another 500mg's Calcium, joint support supplement, and a dose of ArginMax which is suppose to help with the sexual dysfunction. It hasn't worked for that problem but it does seem to be beneficial with my energy level during the day and doesn't affect my sleep. I also try and get out almost daily for a walk/jog or if I'm stuck inside I've been doing some yoga. I really find that the fresh air is the real key to keep me from being depressed. Now we've got the Christmas holiday just around the corner which usually puts me in such a wild rampage the week or two before that my DH knows not to mess with me during this time (or the black widow may strike)LOL..Hang in there....Linda

    Bookmark   November 30, 2001 at 4:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ahhhh, you made me laugh. Thanks!
--JoJo (new to this forum)

    Bookmark   December 7, 2001 at 2:07PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Ah! At last!! I found my long lost TWIN!!

ROFL! I can identify with almost everything you said and appreciate your humor more than you will ever know!!

Isn't it the pits? My gawd.. I have to say, I visualized you walking down our street in my neighborhood in your "four hunderdpants" and knew.. just knew you would be welcome here! LOL

If you have sore breasts and nipples, a loss of libido, have aggressive tendencies, and cry if I forgot to add sugar to your tea, I will understand.

Of course, I might light a beacon to alert all the menopausal women in this neck of the woods to go join you in Christmas Caroling as the "Wragged Wrinklers" and we could inform all naughty children to fly right or Santa isn't going to come, and we are going to set Sultana on them!

That'll scare 'em good! That'll scare US good!

You are a hoot! Thanks for the laughs!!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2001 at 3:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sultana...LOL...Thanks for sharing! I totally relate to what you're going through. I'm 52 yrs. old and experienced everything you mentioned. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never have a waistline again (I, also, try to keep under 200lbs.) I have to shave not only my legs but my "mustache" and the few hairs that seem to be insisting on multiplying on my chin. The memory farts...well, what can I say about that...they happen every day and usually when I'm trying to sound really intelligent and as if I have all my wits about me (ha-ha). Did you ever pull into a grocery store parking lot and forget what you went there for? (SIGH)...I have and so, each day I wake up and pray that if I have to leave the house, I'll at least remember how to get back home. Oh, one more thing, my brain farts were so bad that I had to quit working, at least you're still able to work. But, one thing I have to say is that, boy, do I laugh at myself alot!!! I laugh at my bald spot on my head, I laugh at the clothes I wear, I laugh at my memory (or lack of it)I laugh at going to sleep at 8:00 at night, I laugh at my beard and mustache, I laugh at my figure (or lack of it), I laugh at myself always squinting to be able to see at a distance, I laugh at my teeth that seem to have just about had it, I laugh at my knees and back which never seem to want to be there for me. I laugh, I laugh and I laugh!!! Thanks for being here and letting me get that off my chest!!! Have a great day ladies!!! Diana ;~)

    Bookmark   December 14, 2001 at 4:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am not new I just pop in to read the posts.

Sultana you have missed your calling if you don't write a book or take it on the road doing stand up comedy. Oh, I laughed till I cried. My ribs are hurting!

Ginko Biloba is good for memory. Also my doctor has recommended additional testosterone for memory loss but I can only imagine I would start growing hair on my knuckles and my back if I added more of that.

Barb D.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2001 at 12:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I started taking Ginko, St. John's wort, vitamins galore and all that other stuff that is suppose to be good for you. After blowing up like the Good Year Blimp I found out through trial and error that both Ginko and St. John's Wort give me apalling flatulence. so here's my dilemma, do I want to have brain farts or the other kind?

    Bookmark   December 15, 2001 at 11:03AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I remember about 15 or so years ago, my mother, who was then "menopausal" would come to visit us and spend time with our children and she loved being "gammaw" to them for a week or two.

However, at night, she was in the guest room, which was on the other side of our bedroom wall, actually, it was on the other side of our rather large walk-in closet. There should have been no noise emitting from our room to hers and vice versa.

However, my husband and I would lay in bed and laugh hysterically.. due to her.. ah, "flatulence" after she fell asleep! It rumbled and rattled the walls! It was like sonic booms bouncing through the whole upstairs! Loooong, loud, butt honks!

I am not sure if it is age or herbal remedies.. she had absolutely NO discernable changes in diet either. And, she did it at her house too. My dad would sleep right through it and somehow seemed comforted by the sounds.. (hey, this was a man who held a somewhat stressful highranking position with a high profile corporation at the time, and always dreamed of being a 18-wheel truck driver.. and mom sounded just like one rumbling through the bedroom)!

So, I think overall, there is a good chance we are going to be Brain Pharting AND Butt Honking our way through old age..

Ain't we just peachy keen!

(Another sign of immpending old age.. we start discussing our bowel habits, our surgeries and health concerns, and we genuinely appreciate nature.. no more hot sweet buns on too young men and where the hottest spots are for Saturday night.. Ah ahem.. now.. where did I put that Fiber Con..)

    Bookmark   December 15, 2001 at 12:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

HAHA! You guys are hilarious.

Hmmm. Brain farts or butt honks? I get both, I'm just a delight to be around these days. :)

    Bookmark   December 16, 2001 at 7:07AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sheesh! Some support group! I kvetch, hoping for something as simple as an artic cruise on the ice floe of your choice (hell, I'd even go steerage!) or a bullet through the frontal lobe. What I get is people telling me my plight has given them such big nyuks that there isn't a dry seat in the house!

Okay, y'all have convinced me to accept the inevitable:

First a pair of Liz Taylor's old sunglasses to hide the swollen eye.

As my hair gets greyer, it'll get blonder. As it gets thinner and finer I'll rat it. When it reached the consistency of cotton candy, I'll dye it "champagne" (that's pink in layman's terms).

When the wrinkles start (so far the increased chubbiness has kept them filled in), I'll give wood putty a shot. It's cheaper than Silly Putty and won't "run away" and ruin the carpet if I forget to close the egg.

A daily submersion in Man Tan will meld any future liver spots into a perpetual suntan, as well as camouflage spider veins and facial hair.

Unless somebody out there can tell if those instant face lift headbands I used to see advertised in Workbasket actually worked, the bigger my waddles get, so will my collection of gold chains from the Mr. T Colletion. Ditto bangle bracelets for crepey arms. Should I tip over from the excess weight, I pitty the poor foo' I land on.

When my sphincters loosen I'll opt for the tightest spandex leggings I can wedge myself into. This should also help with the vanished waistline. God forbid I get a case of gamma flatulence and my ankles swell or I split a seam and scare some little kid who thinks I'm giving birth to Hungry Jack Biscuits. Or worse, some "The Blob" affictionado smothers me with a CO2 canister.

Once I have finished aging gracefully, the brain farts won't be a problem - no one will ever hire me again.

That only leaves the raging libido. I'm sure even the short, toothless guys in redneck bars won't want to dance with the New and Improved Sultana. That means I'll have nothing better to do at 8PM than fall asleep.

Seriously, folks, I do appreciate your sharing your experiences. Can't do the herbals because of an existing medical condition. A year ago I OD'd on stress tea and the result was my breakdancing in the post office and waking up in the ER from a bad reaction to the Kava Kava.

Maybe if this hadn't started 15 years early, I'd be better able to cope (then again, maybe not...). Knowing y'all are out there is a big help!


    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 5:54PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

And we are kicking and scratching and digging our heels in just like you!

A friend found a T-shirt for me that reads "It's a menopause thing."

Barb D.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2001 at 2:16AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

That's cool Barb. However, I'm not ready to advertise the fact. The young bucks I work with already call me Mom. I'd kill them if they started calling me Babka.

The time for rubber socks with my leather jacket is going to come far too soon. Until then I'm fighting it!

    Bookmark   December 20, 2001 at 1:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh, of course! It hangs nicely in the closet with my "Look Who's 40" t-shirt.

Barb D.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2001 at 1:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hi I'm new to the forum. It's so encouraging to find I'm not alone and hear that others are suffering from the same selection of weird and wonderful ailments. I'm sure my husband thinks I'm a hypocondriach with all the bottles and creams lined up in the bathroom. I'll try anything! But there are so many options, both with HRT and supplements - it's getting the right combination which is so hard because we're all different. I've tried HRT twice and gave up both times due to bloating and weight gain. About to have another try this time with bi-estrogen and crinone progesterone in vaginal cream form - you can read up on both on the Net - they're both newish HRT options. Anyone tried this combo? Any other suggestions on HRT options which don't make you gain weight? Everything you read on the Net (all written by men I'm sure) says HRT doesn't cause weight gain, but with me it does and the weight (that weight, unfortunately not all the weight) goes again when I stop. Like the other Linda I'll be 50 in March - as a friend said the other day, if I'd known my body was going to have to last so long I'd have taken better care of it!

    Bookmark   December 25, 2001 at 11:47AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You guys are sooooooo funny! Just when I was sitting here, ready to cry over what's happened to me with perimenopause, you guys made me laugh hysterically! I'll probably get a headache from laughing so hard, but it was worth it!! I have Fibromyalgia plus all this perimenopause garbage........I'm a wreck........but at least I can still laugh! Please keep me laughing guys! I think this country could get over it's energy crisis, if we could just figure out how to harness all the extra gas we all seem to have and turn it into useable energy!

    Bookmark   December 29, 2001 at 4:39PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sorry, no laughing here. I understand your reluctance to use HRT. However, your HRT is causing your problems.

You don't use NHRT which would indicate that you realize there is a non-toxic alternative. Also no side effects. If you do experience any side-effects it is the estrogen putting up a fight before it relinquishes its dominant hold.

Seek the natural replacement route. Preferably just natural progesterone. Get the prescription Prometrium or just get your own sublinguinal drops at VitaminExpress.com The product is Progest-E Complex
Make sure it is the Kenogen brand. Many other products and creams with similar names.

Read all articles at http://efn.org/~raypeat

Hypothyroidism is possibly also a problem.

Read and print this. Gail's Thyroid Tips at

When she talks of adrenals needing support, progesterone does a fine job. Make sure you have some before you start thyroid replacement.

If you read nothing else, read The Estrogen Alternative by Raquel Martin.

see www.natural-progesterone-advisory-network.com
also www.angelfire.com/fl/endohystnhrt

When your hormones are in balance, you don't need a starvation diet or excessive exercise to lose the excess fat. I know from experience.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2001 at 7:05PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sultana, you are so creative and funny.

Thanks for brightening my morning, and Happy New Year!

    Bookmark   December 31, 2001 at 7:45AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Yet another lister hooting over poor Sultana's peri-pain!

Why should I have all the fun? Come on y'all -- get in on the act! Share with the rest of us what rotten shape you're in. I'll start:

Menopausal Misery is:

When Metamucil counts for half the caloric intake of your lunch.

Having a wardrobe of "fat" clothes AND "fat" shoes

When you get pulled over for speeding because you can't see the speedometer for all sticky notes on the dashboard reminding you why you're out and about in the first place.

Your turn!

    Bookmark   January 2, 2002 at 9:48AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dear Sultana:

To return to your original post, I think that a large part of the problem here could be going to an eye doctor who looks like Malibu Barbie. Too demoralizing. As we become older and wiser, we need to find health care providers who are even older and wiser than we are - preferably wizened, absentminded codgers who make us feel young by comparison.

I never felt old until my sweet young dentist, who hardly looks old enough to be a box boy at the grocery store, was discussing a possible procedure with me, and said, "Well, if you were my mother, I'd go ahead and do it." Since I was only 44 at the time and blinked, he hastily said, "I mean sister. If you were my sister, I'd go ahead and get a crown."

I personally find it rejuvenating to visit our local retirement home, where I'm just a spring chicken compared to Nora, who will turn 101 on January 6.


    Bookmark   January 3, 2002 at 6:49PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sultana, wish my mother was alive to read your posts...we'd both be holding our tummies and crying like babies...thanks...i needed a super good laugh(s) tonight...altho that brings us to another wonderful aspect of aging..."wetting" oneself!! anyway..keep posting...loved it...

    Bookmark   January 3, 2002 at 7:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I knew I was over the hill when about 10 years ago, I was seeing a new family care physician. He was taking a medical history and confidently asked what he thought was going to be just a rhetorical question..

As he was jotting down information, he asked, "Do you still menstruate?"

I quivered in my paper gown, adjusted myself on the exam table and said, "Do I look like I am too old to menstrate?"

He looked up at me, blushed, mumbled and said, "Oh, of course you do, ah.. you look like you're menstrating, oh, I beg your pardon, I mean, you look young enough to menstruate, you do menstruate don't you?"

I said, "Yes, I menstruate. However, I have to be chained up to a post in the backyard for two weeks out of every month to keep me from attacking young doctors who think I am too old to menstruate!"

There was a pregnant pause.. the we both laughed. It was one of the best doctor/patient relationship I have ever had.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2002 at 7:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Here goes.....

I am 42. I had my youngest child when I was 38. I was still getting over "Prego Brains" when I found out at 39 I would need a hysterectomy and then a year later the ovaries were going. Blaaaarrrggghhh!!! Now 4 years post partum, I have "Meno Brains", I'm chasing a 4 year old, I'm tired, my husband keeps saying "What's wrong with you?", and my oldest child, of 20 years just informed me she's pregnant with my first grandchild.

Please...., when you're done ....., could you pass that revolver my way!

Thanks. I'll see if I can find my way back to bed.

Barb D.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2002 at 12:08AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can't even imagine your reality. I am not going to even try to empathize with your plight. My sympathy is going to be drained after having a remote glimpse of your life in the short paragraph you wrote.

Finally, I am glad to be me, a red-headed witless and titless bawdy broad!

(Actually, I am a middle aged lady who squandered away her youth of practicality and propriety and it just feels dang good to call myself a bawdy broad. However, the meno does make a woman witless and titless.. well, truthfully? I do have tits, they just hang down to my belly button when I am standing now, or roll into my armpits when I lay down.. oh sheeeesh..)

    Bookmark   January 4, 2002 at 6:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hee, hee!

My now pregnant daughter is concerned about her now growing, aching, itchie mamos. She thinks post baby that they will go back to small. I told her the thud sound on my bedroom floor when I roll out of bed in the morning are not my feet.

was the look on her face!

Barb D.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 2:33AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Wow! I guess I'm not the candidate for a cameo in "Sideshow" after all!

Elizabeth, while I can understand the intent of your advice, I actually prefer the younger medicos to the geezerly sorts with the bloated egos and bank balances to match. Dr. Barbie gave me a reason as to why my eyes were drying instead of just a script for drops. The young beefcake I've been eye-balling at the gym who turned out to be Dermo #3 was the first to take my hair loss seriously AND determine the cause. The two with the golf pants and thick heads of curly hair either refused to look at it or told me to explore biofeedback. Had one done a biopsy as Dr. Biceps did, my hormonal crash may have been averted and The Boss may have been saved having a wife crying in a locked bathroom for 3 weeks.

However, I do play in a band where I am the sole female and younger than the kids of most of the other members. We also play a lot of hospices and nursing homes (gratis, of course) and KofC and Moose lodges, which in some warped way, make me feel like a kid again. Far better than the Ghost of Christmas to Come interpretation.

Now from the Make Lemonade Department:

I have found that Cooper's Droop does have it's advantages. With the right piece of artillery, for the first time in my life I'm stacked. Without it, well, The Boss could substitute Ol' Sag and Drag for twin speed bags in boxing practice.

Best of all, being taller than the average bear, I seem to attract short guys when I'm on my "nature studies" in honky tonks. If one of these Napoleonic sorts gets obnoxious, I need only accept his invitation to dance, remove my compression garment, do a shoulder shimmey and slap the little twit into semi-consciousness. While he's seeing stars, I can beat a hasty retreat.

I still don't understand the fat feet thing. They don't look swollen but some days my shoes just hurt like the dickens. I suppose I should be thankful they don't look like Jiffy Pop, the way my 7th grade home ec teacher's did.


    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 1:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh Sultana......I truly am sorry for the problems you have, but you sure keep my endorphin levels up! Thank you!! :)

    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 1:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I was just reading this to my husband and he was laughing along side of me. He added a quip..

He said, "Well honey, it used to be in order to reach your breasts, I had to move to get on top of you, now with them rolling over, all I have to do is turn my head and they are right there! I like that part of your menopause stuff!"

I AM DYING.. He thinks that is a compliment and a supportive thing for a husband to say.. I AM DYING.

Thought I would share that with you.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 2:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sultana.. your wit is so refreshing! I am lucky to have sat down on a Saturday with a nice glass of red wine to read this thread!!! This really SHOULD be a book! I have been in full fledged menopause (is there such a thing?) for several years now and on HRT. I will say this.... things really DO get better! I will also admit that I have stopped staring at myself in the mirror screaming "oh my god" over and over... I dye my hair monthly, get a "lip-zip" at the hairsalon monthly, use a sonicare toothbrush, make post it notes of where I parked my car daily, and STILL have time to play my guitar, and eat whipped cream right out of the fridge! It is so great finding you all for company! I've often thought that the worst part of peri and post menopause is that there is no "normal."!!!!

    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 5:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The proper response should be "You, too Dear". With all these plastic surgeons advertising male breast reductions in the sports section that should put the fear o' God in any guy.

I know a 53-year-old loser who started having hot flashes. His doctor told him it was male menopause and to forget about it. The guy asked ME what I knew about HRT. He showed no sympathy when his (ex)girlfriend went through peri. Now he's a wreck worrying...if he takes hormones he might start growing hair on his back...if he doesn't, The Bishop may shrivel up and fall off. And he wonders why he's still single!

Forget childbirth, guys could never EVER go through this without being reduced to a grease spot on the floor!


    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 5:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The Bishop may shrivel up and fall off???????


I have heard it called:
chicken (like in "choke the chicken")
one-eyed trouser worm
hard on
hand pump
wanger or wang
monkey (like in "spank the monkey")
joker (like in "stroke the joker")
mister happy
the pink piccolo
the skin flute
big boy
pee pee
wee wee
hot dog
love stick
love tool
love toy
not to mention the real he-man name.. 80 pounds of dangling fury
and my personal favorite,

But never, have I ever, heard of it called.. The Bishop! LOL I am rolling!

It HAS to be called that because it looks like the silhoutte of the Bishop in a Chess Set.. which of course, I will never be able to play again without laughing hsyterically.. especially when I see some idiot rubbing it and stroking it comtemplating his "next move"...

I am dying.. laughing this time!

    Bookmark   January 5, 2002 at 6:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 2:34AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


The guy thinks the world revolves around his "polishing the Bishop". I might add that he - who says if a woman's hair turns salt and pepper or if the hair on her legs is too dark, it might pose "a problem" - also takes great pains to keep his bald spot covered (he looks like he got too close to a ceiling fan) and shaves off his eyebrows because they're coming in grey. Like these preventative measures are going to make up for his dewlaps, skinny legs and sagging gut. No one will ever take him for more than 38! Yeah, right.

Your list was pretty complete, but I think I can add a few:

joy stick
snake (as in dancing/charming)
schniztel (for the well-endowed)
bolonki (for those that nature forgot)

The Keeper of the Bishop has about a thousand other names for his, but - lucky for Barb - the brain farts are in full force this morning.


    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 7:03AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well,!! Sounds like his "bird in the hand" is not worth ANY "in the bush".....and WHY do you know this person Sultana? I'm surprised he hasn't been used for meno-bait before this...judy

    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 7:41AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

In my line of work you meet all kinds, Judy. They can be horrifying, but serve well to keep one in line. Sort of a "Don't let this happen to you" thing.

Don't get me started on his "bird in the hand". With his crap-ass attitude towards women, he has long dry spells between Bishop-polishers. Something about the right hand being a man's best friend. Why he chose to tell me about it, I can't fathom. Not that I'm complaining, really. The annoyance is well compensated by the entertainment value.

Pardon moi in my ignorance, but "meno-bait" is new phrase-ology to me. Care to clue me in?


    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 10:44AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Can't resist adding these three - perhaps a UK/Ozzie slant!

John Thomas (and I shall never forget the poor kid whose parents called him that, his life in school was hell!)
Pyjama python
Percy (as in 'point Percy at the porcelain')

Sultana, what do you do? This bloke sounds like you must work in some high-pressure selling environment!

    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 2:35PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Any of you remember the end of the movie "Grumpy Old Men"? Burgess Meredith who played Jack Lemmon's father rattled off a bunch of slang expressions for sex. I remember the one I laughed at the most was "the one eyed snake is going to the optometrist". There were others that were very funny, but this one stuck in my mind.

    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 3:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"meno-bait" is just a term I've been using off and on for Lo these few years, mostly with other "women of a certain age", to identify men like "your" Bishop fondler.. it was much better for me to rip them to shreds than my family and friends on those days when I should have probably been chained to the back post.. they were the "bait" for my venting...maybe I should have written it, " Men-O-Bait".... wait...could there be a board game in this? hmmmmmm have to think about that one ...while I'm here let me throw in a couple of my "favorites:

Tonsil Tickler, "my red-headed friend", and Cyclops

    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 10:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I'll show you my cannelloni if you show me yours."

"What do you say we go back to my place and I'll show you my spicy, peppy pepperoni."

"What do you say we go back to my house and I'll show you my man-sized manicotti."

"I'll show you my beefy bologna... my bony macaroni... my fatty alfredo... my hard salami."

Maria says (referring to a caught fish), "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Max says "It's not the size that matters," and she replies "Are we still talking about your fish?"

    Bookmark   January 6, 2002 at 11:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well Pupa, the IRS says I'm a musician. Reality says I sponge off my husband. The Keeper of the Bishop is a musical contact. The only overt stress he experiences is sperm back-up when he's between polishings.

New fantasy - the Gang here goes en masse to one of Keeper of the Bishop's gigs. Between sets he waddles over like he has a load in his pants expecting us to all drop ours. Gatorgirl, of course, will lead the assault... When he starts again, I'll just sit back, fantasize and smile. It'll make him nuts.

Ginger, if you insist on going ethnic, a buck in a polka band I played in in college used to sing, "Round, firm, fully-packed. 18 inches hanging slack" when we'd play "Who Stole the Kieshka". He was young and stupid and HE eventually grew up to be a really nice guy.


    Bookmark   January 7, 2002 at 10:29AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

hey Ginger, howcome yours are all food related? LOL.. a shrink could have a field day here...BTW can't access your email address from the personal page...wasn't sure if that was intentional or not...everyone elses showed up ..have you made enemies in low places? maybe it should be YOU Sultana is fantasizing about assaulting the Bishop lover... too funny

    Bookmark   January 7, 2002 at 4:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

What a hoot! Sultana, you could work up a stand-up(sorry but that is what it's caled) comedy act with this material! I'd come, just let me know where. Anne M

    Bookmark   January 9, 2002 at 10:20AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh yes welcome to the clob as I found its all maitenence now, Trips to drug store,hair remover, my eyes burn,Im also having thyroid problems so dry hair,brittle nails,dry skin. Forget it its depressing to think about it.headaches,cant sleep....

    Bookmark   January 15, 2002 at 3:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

This string alone is enough to make me want to become a "contributing member" to this forum!! And I just began reading today...


    Bookmark   January 15, 2002 at 4:52PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Relevant, funny essay about this mid-life nightmare
Over active Libido..
I have heard of losing your sex drive during menapause,...
Need to hear from woman past meno
Hello Everyone, I am 58 and had my lat period at 52...
Hydration cubes
Has anyone tried the Bezwecken hydration cubes that...
Natural supplements for menopause?
Hello I was wondering if there are any naturals to...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™