His Mid Life Crisis...I am going crazy

turkeytrottJune 13, 2008

My hubby of 18 years, I believe is going through a midlife crisis, we have had many issues over the last 8 months. He hates his job says there is to much stress and yet when he tells them he wants to go back to his old position they offer him more money, last time a truck and he stays. He says he is content with us but feels we need to be over, this is the third time in 8 months but he never leaves. It took awhile for me to come to the same conclusion but I have. We have tried parting twice with him asking me to give him another chance, I of course did and now we are at parting ways yet again I am ready (I think) although I have asked him to give himself enough time to be sure because I will not go through this break up anymore. We have 2 kids about to leave home for school and I am sure that will cause me lots of stress because they are my last 2 girls at home and we are very close. That leaves our only son at home. Anyways we had this conversation last night and then he curled up to me (talk about mixed signals) and kissed me goodbye this morning. Now has gone out with guys from work which is not like him, but called to let me know, I was taking our dd to work so he left a message.If I felt we had split up I would not call home to let him/her know where I am going, would you? I sent him a couple emails today about midlife crisis as he said last night maybe that is his problem. He has wanted to change jobs, wife, province, spends money that we don't have like crazy and bought a motorbike all symptoms of mid life crisis. Has anyone survived a mid life crisis still married ? If you have how long did it last? I still love him very much but have really have lost my patience and compassion through all this. He refuses councelling I start early July booked that last week saw this one coming a mile away.

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I wouldn't survive anyone telling me he wanted it over between us. I would stash whatever cash I could get my hands on for an emergency.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2008 at 7:51PM
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I think your husband is probably having an affair and isn't really sure what he wants. I see no real reason for him to keep planning to leave you. I'd get to the root of this problem if you are looking to resolve it.

A Midlife crisis can be different things to different people and can even just be gobbly-gook to many. Putting that name on it is probably not going to help anything. Many men may 'want' to leave their wives at times, but they don't go through it or even talk about it to the extent that your husband has.

Personally, I'd hire a PI to see what you are dealing with. An affair is one thing and a case of mild chronic depression is another.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2008 at 1:00AM
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I second hiring the PI or I would do it myself. My sister's husband left and had already moved out when I told her to borrow a friends car and follow him after he got off work. She did, he went to the home of the girl friend, then she hired the PI to get proof for court. He had taken all but $5,000 from their accounts and had probably bought the home with it. The Judge told her the courts didn't have time to hunt money, but he gave her almost $2,000. a month alimony.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2008 at 9:58AM
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He certainly is stringing you along for some reason. I obviously don't know him well enough to suggest why, but there are a couple of options for you.

1. The Ultimatum. Make him decide if he wants to stay or go. If he wants to stay, then he talks with you about what is going on and why. If he is having "issues" then he needs to do something about it besides buy a motorcycle. But absolutely NO MORE THREATS about leaving you. If he wants to go, help him pack.

2. The PI. If you feel something else is going on and don't want to confront him directly, then sneak or hire someone to sneak about discovering what it is he is doing.

3. Direct confrontation. If you feel something is going on and prefer the honest straight-forward approach, then tell him that you are going to have a long talk and set up a time to do so. Discuss your concerns without accusing him of anything, just say that you can't be strung along like this and ask what he really wants and what is really going on. Ask him if he loves you and wants to be with you. Just be prepared for whatever he says in response.

4. Leave him. Decide if you really want to deal with this at all. If not, start making preparations for divorce: see a lawyer, get all of your accounts in order, etc.

5. Do nothing. You could just wait and see what he does and do nothing. It's a terrible option, but one that requires no work whatsoever on your part. However, it does involve continuing to be strung along for who knows how long.

Whatever you do, think about the possible consequences before acting and prepare accordingly. You may want to arrange to not be near him, visiting that friend who lives far away for example, if things turn ugly for some reason.

I hope things work out for you.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2008 at 6:15PM
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I suggest that you go run your credit report and his. Surely you know his information. Get copies of his cell phone bills and look for the repeat numbers. Look at his keys-=-anything you don't recognize. Look at the mail he keeps in his truck. Check the glove compartment. but whatever you do, shut up about it. There is nothing more dense than looking at this stuff and telling him about it. He already knows.
You need to know, so you can understand what's happening
and make your plans accordingly. You are the best PI there is. You have access to everything.
You need to list all of the assets. If he wants to refinance the house, don't do it. Do you have copies of his paychecks, and the last income tax return,. Take a look at that and really read it. do you work? If not, start getting some skills. You can take classes which will keep you busy and offer a future.
So unless the mail you find indicates he is checking out monasteries, you need to do some deep thinking and planning.,Of course he is planning to leave---and no, he doesn't want to change his life. He doesn't really want to hurt you--after all you have children together. He has mentally left already--he may not marry whoever is out there keeping him busy, but that doesn't help you. He just wants a different life. The kids are almost out of the house and they were a job you did together. That time is over, sad to say.
I suggest you update your wardrobe, lose some weight, get your hair and nails done and start doing things to get out of the house. You aren't just a Mom anymore. This part of your life may be over, but there is time ahead to do lots of things. A divorce is like being in a black tunnel, but there is light at the end.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2008 at 7:40PM
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Good advice -- particularly from Marge and Meghane.

This guy is definitely doing some "another life" fantasizing. Most likely, that "other life" does include some other woman, as statistically, married men generally don't leave for the great unknown. But perhaps not -- It might just be some version of "running off to join the circus."

But in any case, that other life DOES NOT appear to include you.
If it did, he'd include you in the fantasy of preparing for it.

So the time has come to protect yourself. And as Marge so clearly put it "Whatever you do, shut up about it"! Do not tip your hand.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 10:05AM
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First off I don't for a minute believe there is another woman, I realize that he wants a life without me but in the same sense doesn't seem to really want to let go. I have been doing pretty much #5 of Meghane's post which is nothing not the best plan I agree but was hoping it was just a rut and he would come out of it by now. We have been together since high school pretty much and I know him really well this seems to be hurting him as much as me. As for him trying to hide anything, I get the mail, I pay the bills, he deposits his whole paycheck in a joint account there is no money that has been disappearing and his cell phone is only for work, he also only plays on the computer poker and I am on the other computer beside him so there is no one online either. The other night was the first night that he has been out and I believe that it was just to point out to me about the fact that he wants our lifes' seperate could be wrong but when he got home he got in our bed and curled up to me. He went to the casino and saw my brother there, so if there had of been a lady with him I think I would have heard. You all probably feel I am being naive but I really and truly just believe he is depressed and/or going through a mid life crisis.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 11:46AM
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he either has to go or has to stay, he cannot have both.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 12:58PM
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Ditto finedreams.

I would be unwilling to live my life in between for very long. Eight months is a loooong time to dwell in such a place.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2008 at 3:31PM
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Asolo... I was waiting to hear from you, as I wanted a man's point of view and I feel you are a very logical person.
Having said that I was so hoping you would have said more.
Thought maybe yourself or somebody you knew may have been where my hubby seems to be. I realize I have been in limbo for quite sometime and it is very hard, I start therapy July 3. My problem with walking away and not looking back is that before this all started we had an awesome life together, it was rocky when we were young but for the last 12 years 'til this hit I could count on one hand the times we even argued. Even though we had 4 kids we still made time for each other, had a great sex life, even rented motel room every few months for a break away usually in the town we live in but it still gave us some special time. I do believe that things/or him have changed so much that I don't know if we would ever get back to any of that. It's just that we are still getting along well no fighting although there is still the hurt from him saying he wants out. On my strong days I so want to run for the hills but on the other days I want him to hold me (which he does) and never let go.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 7:37AM
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I think you're fooling yourself that there isn't another woman. Even if there isn't a particular one, I would bet and from reading your comments, it's obvious that he wants there to be another woman. That's pretty much what mid-life crisis's are all about. Plus, unless you're crazy and impossible to live with, men general don't leave women (especially those they get along with) unless there is another woman.

I don't agree that you can easily catch your husband in an affair. He probably won't admit to it so I wouldn't even try that route it will only tip him off. And, nowadays I don't think many people use their cell phone (which we all know tracks every single number) to call their honey? And, the glove box...I thought everyone knew to look there so I don't think many people hide stuff there anymore. I wouldn't doubt he's got a prepaid phone, and keeps stuff at his office. Company expense accounts and payments can hide a multitude of things. If you want to know the truth, hire a PI. If not, stay in limbo and keep telling yourself you still have a great marriage. It doesn't really matter how you feel about him or how well you think you guys get along or how great your sex life was. Fact is, he doesn't want to be with you for whatever the reason, accept that and deal with it.

If you want some advice on what to do, and of course it could backfire, but play a little hard to get. Men don't respect women who don't respect themselves. If he knows he can take advantage of you and your feelings, it sounds like he's the kind of guy that will. Let him know you're not the kind of girl that will put up with it. Get him a little jealous.. Let him think you 'could' have a boyfriend. I'm not usually big into playing games, but he opened the box, and if you don't take your turn and spin, you're gonna lose.

Hope counseling helps you sort out some stuff. Good luck. I actually hope you can save your marriage, but I think you need to understand a little more about what you are dealing with. Let us know how the counseling goes.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 10:44AM
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If I had more to offer, I would have. Your way of coping is obviously different from mine. I refuse to stay in unsatisfactory situations for extended periods. When my world changes to intolerable, I do dwell for a while. Important decisions deserve time and consideration. I do think and re-think and re-think. However, once I'm confident I've perceived reality correctly -- as opposed to what I wish or what I'd like to go back to -- I decide and act.

In your case, if my spouse behaved as you've described, I would wait it out for a while and ponder. Maybe not eight months, but a while. But I wouldn't hesitate to decide and act at some point. I would be unwilling to continue in a situation that changed as you've described yours has.

What you've described would be intolerable for me. Deal-breaking behavior on his part. I don't think you need counseling or therapy. You just need to decide. He's the one who needs counseling/therapy.

You haven't spoken of financial considerations. I assume that's likely part of the mix. Perhaps its a significant barrier to decision and action. All yours to consider.

I don't see that I've much to bring to this table..

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 12:27PM
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First off mid life crisis is really not all about wanting another woman and I realize you believe he is cheating and that I am just naive. However if that is what he wants why is it that he comes home after work except the one night? If I told him I wanted my own life I would be out doing whatever I wanted to do, our kids are not little. I never claimed that it is easy to catch a cheating spouse I was referring to the things that Marge spoke of and he doesn't have an expense account. You say the fact is that he doesn't want to be with me and that is what he says his actions however say a whole different story. I am not pretending that I now have a great marriage...that to me is a thing of the past but was trying to give some insight to our lives before this started. Many people have commented to both him and I that you could tell by our actions towards each other how much we were still in love. I also do respect myself, and therefore would not play games. I also will agree that when most men do leave their wife it is due to another woman but not all. He has went to the doctor more often then usual and when I went the other day and saw our doctor about all this he asked me to tell him he would like to see him again. I do want to point out I do not have a tie out chain (lol) attached to this man he really could have left if he wanted to. All comments our welcome even if I don't always think the same, you learn from different points of view.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 1:12PM
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Ok, I really think almost any midlife crisis where a man seriously talks about leaving his wife is about having or finding another woman... (unless he's gay, which is an entire different topic). Yes, some men may just switch jobs or take up sky diving, but when leaving your wife is involved, it really points to one thing. You're throwing this midlife crisis word around like it means something or is an excuse. It doesn't mean anything; deal with the problems that are. He wants to leave you or at least he goes back and forth about it. It sounds like it has nothing to do with you personally or even that there are problems in your relationship..what does that suggest to you? He's having a midlife crisis is not an answer. What does it suggest? He wants to be with someone else, not you!

The fact that he keeps coming back and that you have good days isn't proof that he is not cheating or wanting to cheat. It only proves that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's probably the bigger man when he is honest with you about leaving rather than leading you on. He tells you he wants to leave and then the next weekend, he has sex with you or something to that effect. If you daughter had a boyfriend that was doing this to her, what would tell her? "oh, he must love you after all if he came back and held you all night"... I don't think so.

Now I have no clue how your husband could go about having an affair, but I've seen woman so positive their husbands aren't based on assumptions like yours. I don't know what business your husband is in, but how do you know he doesn't have an expense account? It's things like that that trip up wives. You may think he's eating lunch every Wed with Larry, but are you sure? You may think his hours are 8-4 with only a half hour for lunch, but are you sure? Maybe he gets off early (no pun intened) ever other Friday? I don't want to turn you in a paranoid person, but you really need to consider an affair if your husband is wanting to leave. He's probably not gonna come home extra late one night with lip stick on his colar and a hotel receipt in his hand. And just becasue he says he's going out one Friday night with the guys and really does go out with them and doesn't cheat, doesn't mean much.

It sounds like you're not going to make a decision because you want to stay, so you will hold onto him until he chooses to leave, which is a perogative many women take especially since you don't think he's having an affair and you still love him. I see no reason to have to leave him or even to have to make the decision any time soon. It's sort of lame for him to not be man enough to make the decision himself and stick by it...but he's doing the same thing. No one wants to be the responsible party to end it. I just think if you want to stay and try to make it work.. you need to know what you are dealing with. I think counseling will help you tremendously and is perfect in your case. It hopefully will help sort out your own feelings, explore what is going on, why you allow it, and may help you come to and be able to live with any decision you may make about your marriage.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 2:01PM
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I lived in a limbo like that for about 2 weeks (ex wife thing), I finally got fed up, he didn't want to leave, yet. I picked a sculpture and threw at a mirror. He left and I cleaned up the mess. He was home in a couple of weeks, surprise. It was a decision maker and he was shocked to find out it was me he wanted. All kidding aside, he was carrying the torch for her, and she did me a real favor by putting out the torch. the first time he took her out to dinner after leaving me, she looked him and said, "you can't get your wife off you mind can you"? He said, "no, I guess I love her more than I realized". She told him, he had better go home before your wife changes the locks. I had just changed them when he called.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 5:20PM
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You know, I think it might be time to toss this bum to the curb. File for a legal separation. Hand him some brochures from nearby apartment complexes or motels. Then just toss him out and change the locks.

If he asks to come back, tell him (calmly) that he's put you through the wringer eight different ways and that you won't even consider it until he gets his emotional act together and figures out what it is that he wants out of life. Tell him that marriage requires a total commitment and that he's failed on his end.

If he wants to recommit, he needs to prove it with his actions.
And that should take time.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 5:28PM
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Sorry to disagree, but life isn't as easy as tossing him to the curb. He may have just as much, if not more right to the house than she does. This isn't a movie. If he chooses to leave, that's one thing, but I doubt you're going to be able to just throw some brochures at him and change the locks.

Although I don't condone mirror breaking, I think stargazzer's situation was probably very close to what is going on with the OP. I just don't think she's anywhere near being aware of it. Maybe something will come to a head and a mirror breaking type incident will occur. And, maybe, or maybe not, her husband will realize he was a fool too. Some do, many don't. But until she realizes his actions deserve consequences, and that she can't let him play her for a fool, I don't think either of them are going to come around anytime soon.

Remember too, she sincerely doesn't think another women is involved (and we don't know that for sure either). If she kicks him out or leaves him now she may always think she did the wrong thing believing that this is just a typical phase many men go through and that a true loving wife would stick with her man through it. Still hoping the counseling will help her and shed some light.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 6:30PM
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Tell him that marriage requires a total commitment and that he's failed on his end. I really do believe that this statement is true for the past 8 or so months without question.
Carla your right this isn't a movie and no he has no more rights to our house than me. And if I was at the point that the only thing I was considering was that you were right believe me if I couldn't change the housde locks I could lock our bedroom door and there isn't a damn thing he could do. When all this started I did like you believe it had to be an affair nothing else seemed to make sense and have only ruled it out after lots of opportunity that he could have went out etc. and yet has chosen to come home. As for your other post he has worked for the same company for years I truly believe I know the hours, he doesn't have an expense account either. I work for myself and can pretty much check on him at anytime and am not feeling that to be necessary if I had a drop of suspicion I would be checking. He would leave if I wanted him to go, I am sure of this but if he said no I would make life here hell.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 6:56PM
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Turkey --without a doubt you are correct--its a midlife crisis and nothing more. when the kids move out -- some men feel that the job of raising them is over and they want to be carefree and single again. It may be that the kids were raised to be wonderful young people but the marriage suffered. It doesn't mean its your fault or his--but your relationship may have run its course. Your original question was do couples survive the midlife crisis. I am old enough to have school age grandchildren and my answer is no--I haven't seen couples survive it. I also haven't seen women go through it the same way.Maybe the reason is that men work for 30 or so years and they are tired of going to work, coming home, and they don't want to live another 20 years doing the same stuff with the same people, and they enjoyed being the center of an active family with kids. Very successful men want to start all over and have the money to marry again and start a new family.
A friend of mine remarried again and so did her husband. exH married an aerobics instructor the age of my friend's daughter. They now have 2 small children. (so much for his wanting to be single, have a simple life) exW married somebody who loves to dance and travel and they have fun with the grandchildren. People live longer so maybe this makes sense.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2008 at 9:09PM
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Have you considered he could be depressed? 17 plus yrs of a good marriage and suddenly he changes and isn't improving over 8 months, I wonder if he would consider a good physical and open talk with a physician? Is it possible?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2008 at 8:31AM
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Some believe a midlife crisis is genetically programmed...when your woman gets too old to produce children, you look elsewhere to still be able to procreate. Regardless of the reason, men still have free will and should still be accountable for their innate urges if they act on them.

I mentioned depression in my first post and I think the OP had mentioned it somewhere along the line too. Problem is if the OP refuses to get help, the OP is still dealing with the same problem. That's why it's important not to put a name on what's he's doing (midlife crisis, etc) unless you know for sure and to generally focus on what the actual actions are. She needs to be able to objectively understand what is going on, quite throwing out usless labels, rule in or out stuff, and see "what" it really is she is dealing with before she can make a decision she'll be able to live with.

I mean it really would be a shame if he had undiagnosis diabetes and his levels were so off it was creating irrational behavior and thoughts and it could all be corrected with a pill. This kind of medical stuff really does happen. But if it's just a case of a man wanting a different girl, she's got a big hill to climb.

I know he said no to the counselor, but could you talk him into seeing his regular MD for a physical?

And, I know you go through all my points about him having an affair and rule them out, but what I really am trying to get at is that there may really be something about his life that you (or I) just don't know about. Does he work with women? Would you even know everyone he works with or talks to in every capacity? How do you know he really goes to the exact places all the time that he says he is going to? If he's not actually seeing someone, who is it that you would think he has such a big crush on? Because I'm still pretty sure he's got it bad for someone... Work backwards, if he came out and told you tonight that he was having an affair, who would/could it be with?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2008 at 9:59AM
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I agree with Carla that there may be a mental illness involved. Mid life crisis can mean more than coming to terms with age and death, it could mean old childhood issues coming to the surface, decades of toxicity in the body building up and causing mental confusion or depression, etc. I do believe that your strong love for him is there for a reason; I know it can be frustrating not having your needs met, but this is an opportunity to learn more about your husband, to learn more about yourself and to take your marriage to a deeper, more spiritual level. People give up too soon during opportunities like this. You could start by going to counselling on your own and learning about your own subconscious role in this matter, your own reactions and feelings about this situation and it will be rewarding learning more about yourself. What is interesting is that you haven't mentioned what YOU want, and it seems that your behavior and readiness to part is an accomodation of his wants/whims which keep changing. He is obviously looking for some kind of anchor, and your going along with his wishes is not helping. He obviously cares about you or he would not vacillate. I think it important that you identify clearly what you want and have the confidence that you can make it happen and not mind that you become the anchor in this relationship. Maybe he is getting burnt out being the one holding things together, especially if his job is taking out all the joy in him. He may be just trying to revive a sense of joy or an old self that he misses and that was taken over by a job he hates. I think he needs you to show him a way out of it, he may need you to give this marriage a new direction, because I think he is realizing that separating may not be the solution. He may need a new wife -- in you. If you grow, this may inspire him to grow. As you learn more about what you want and about who you are, the change in you may inspire a change in him. Make sure you do not give in to negativity. I suggest consulting a good astrologer as well. You will be surprised at how much you learn about each other. There is no end to learning. Taking care of your self doesn't mean having to do it separately. Stay together, grow together. Be careful of stagnancy and thinking that getting out is the solution. Work on growing within the relationship. Relationships aren't just about getting what you need from each other. There are times you have to get that from within yourself, then giving to the other what you learn.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2008 at 10:16PM
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One thing I have learned from marriage counseling is that you cannot control or change or predict the other person's actions or decisions - you can only work on yourself and take care of yourself. You have been with him since you were teenagers, you have raised a family - it's time to take care of yourself. Either he will stay or he will go, but either way, you are the person you will always be with.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2008 at 9:23PM
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He could be having an "emotional" affair. It happened to me in a past life. E-mails, IMs, phone sex, etc., even at work. Shocked me to the core when I found out.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2008 at 11:56AM
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Turkeytrott- To me, it seems as if there are two possibilities. The first... From what you have written it appears to me that perhaps he is simply beyond bored with his whole life, and yearning for something new and different, but he does not know how to go about changing his life into what he imagines it could/should be. You mentioned that he hated his job, yet the people he works for have made it difficult to walk away from, because they have given him financial incentives to stay. From what you have written, it sounds to me as if he is so bored, and unhappy and yet he is still with you. Perhaps he stays because the two of you do get along very well, and he does care deeply for you. You also have kids still at home, which may be part of his reason for staying. Perhaps he really does not want to hurt his children, by destroying his family through divorce. And yet, he is miserable. It would seem that you need to shake things up a bit and get out of predictable ruts and bring something fresh and new to your relationship. First, if you have had the same "look" for years, could you start with a makeover to feel really great about yourself, and hopefully to get him to see you differently?

Next, think about things you can do as a couple that would be great fun, and help you reconnect in fresh ways and get you both out of the same old rut?

Some examples would be ballroom dancing, or renting his and her Harley's and riding together? Tennis? A concert of a band you once liked? What does he love to do, or is there something he would love to try? What about trying sleeping out under the stars together? (camping). Or joining a bike riding group once a week? Or taking a canoe trip 1/2 a day once a month with friends? Is he more of a academic type person? What about meeting with a group of like minded people together, that discuss in depth ideas of some sort? There are groups that study religion, or the environment, or books, seeking a much deeper understanding. Art classes or Photography classes? A trip?

Could he start a men's breakfast, where he and friends get together once a week and just talk.

It seems to me that he is just so bored and unhappy. Can you take a wise approach and see if there are changes you can make that can help him get excited about your life together? Perhaps if you have not re-done your bedroom in awhile, perhaps now would be a good time to give it a fresh new look with new bed linens and colors. He is so vulnerable right now to someone walking off with the man you love, and the father of your children, and harming your family. Fight for him. For yourself, because you love him, and for your children, to keep your family intact! It seems he needs something, but just doesn't know exactly what he needs. He is just unhappy. Also, start taking walks together, and find a passion for something that the two of you can share. Make your time together fun, and include safe friends to share dinner with, etc.

If there is something he told you that you do that upsets or bugs him, correct it.

Focus your attention on him, it is the best gift you can give your children....protecting their family.

I wish you peace, healing, and laughter together.

To me, it does not sound like someone else. Unless she too is married, and struggling with the same issues about whether or not she wants to break up her own family.

To me, it sounds like he is beyond bored with his whole life and does not know what to do about it.

And regarding his job, how would you feel about encouraging him to go back to what he loves, or asking his company to let him go back for 3 weeks and see how he feels? And if that is where he is happy, than that seems to be where he needs to be in spite of the money.

I wish you well as you walk through these times, with the grace of a woman, and the wisdom to do what you can to try and save your marriage.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 1:04AM
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Excellent advice Bnicebkind.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 2:32AM
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Turkeytrott...You had posted about your marriage, and I was wondering if you are checking back to follow your post

    Bookmark   July 10, 2008 at 4:53PM
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Turkeytrott: There was a sentence in what I wrote that has been bothering me. It did not come out right and I want to re-word it, to express my thinking here. I wrote: "From what you have written, it sounds to be as if he is so bored, and unhappy, and yet he is still with you".

I worded it wrong. What I am trying to say is that you are in a long term marriage. In a long term marriage, people can become bored by familiarity. The lack of newness. It does not necessarily mean that the people themselves are boring. It simply means while people may find comfort in the familiar, they can also become bored.

It sounds to me as though you actually have a good marriage, as he says he is content, the snuggling, the kisses, but it sounds as though he is so restless, and yearning for new/different but could be staying because he knows what he has is good, and he doesn't trust himself enough, and fears that he may be totally blowing it and lose you in the process. I think of that song that sings about love... "You don't know what you've got till it's gone" and perhaps that is the fear that keeps him from really chasing after this elusive life he thinks is out there...somewhere.

I think of the women that I have read about that have been unhappy in their marriage. Some had an affair and left their husband for the other man. We hear that once her ex-husband found a new love, and either married her or moved in with her, and her children started attaching to this new "mom figure" that she had serious regrets. Or her new marriage was not what she thought it would be and she realized the enormous mistake she had made.

Perhaps you can talk to your husband and tell him you understand his restlessness. His boredom. His thoughts dancing with the possibilities of something/someone new. What can you two do that could shake some newness into this fragile time in your marriage as children go off to college and he sees the excitement in their eyes of youth, before reality like mortgages and responsibility weigh people down. And he yearns to feel like that again.

Start with a great makeover. It will help you feel good about yourself, and he will see you in a new way. If you need to lose weight, do it. Whiten your teeth if they need it. It can take off years, and make your smile light up a room. Change your clothes style, and address your bedroom style, (bedding/drapes/paint color) to make it fresh and appealing. It will make you feel good every time you walk in your room, even if he leaves. I wish you and your children the best. Re-read my last post, and see if anything within helps in any way. Do not sit idle. If you can't get him interested, or if he has already left, start making the changes for yourself! Take a deep breath, and there are books on the market about women who have discovered gifts in the midst of the sorrow.

I am sending a hug and encouragement your way. I wish you blessings in the midst of it all.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2008 at 9:21AM
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Thank you bnicebkind for your thoughts, I really do feel that we all feel that there is something better out there, some people chase it others don't even try. For now all seems okay he even asked me to book an appointment for him to see our Doctor whom knows everything that is going on I am trying to stay positive that this is a good first step. As for our bedroom funny that you should mention that in January 'til March we took 2 rooms and a hall and turned it into our masterbedroom we both love it, we did all the work together. Right now we are building a new deck together he seems more content when he is kept physically busy (he sits at a desk most of the time). We have went ahead and planned our summer vacation which we start on July 30 so I hope his time away from the office allows him to de-stress some. He says when we come back he plans on giving his notice so about his job, I guess I will just try to support his decission.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2008 at 12:15AM
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Turkeytrott, that sounds positive. Are they giving him his old job back, or will he be out of a job and searching in "this" job market?

Next, on to you. He is so restless, and your marriage sounds so fragile right now. Have you considered a makeover? A well chosen hairstyle/hair color, teeth whitening (if needed) and new clothing that you feel great in? It may help you feel great and him take a fresh new interest. Have you seen those shows on TV? You are in a long term marriage, and he is very, very restless. You have much to lose because you love him, and if another woman ends up in the picture, your family (including your adult children) will never be the same).

Just do not sit idle. Get creative and help him through this stage of your lives as kids leave home, and are so excited about their lives, and he feels that he has nothing to look forward to any more. Same old everything. And yet, it sounds as though you two really get along and are comfortable together. So he too has a lot to lose if he goofs this up. And I think he knows it. And yet........

    Bookmark   July 27, 2008 at 10:17AM
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First of all, CALM DOWN! I know exactly what you are going through. Second, don't pay any attention to these "Kooks" out there that are telling you to "SPY" on your husband. That is the last thing you want to do. He is going through Mi-life crisis. You need to talk to him more about that. Tell him that just like if you were going through menopause and would want him to stick by you and try to be understanding, you are going to do the same for him. Trust me, I know how hard it is. You do not want to throw away a marriage because your husband is royally confused right now. Give him some time and be there for him remember "communicate, communicate communicate" this is the key. Tell him you are not going anywhere and you don't beleave he is going to throw it all away either. You want to help him through this and you will always be right by his side as long as he wants you there. (and even if he isn't sure he wants you there)

    Bookmark   February 6, 2011 at 12:51PM
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Kelly... this thread is over two years old...
I am sure the issue doesn't exist anymore!

    Bookmark   February 7, 2011 at 10:47PM
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Wouldn't it be nice to hear an update? Turkeytrott...are you still on the forum?

    Bookmark   April 28, 2011 at 1:48AM
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ALL men will cheat if given the opportunity. Don't be stupid. I know so many wives who think their husbands are saints and all of their husbands cheat - they cheat on their lunch breaks,when they take walks (if he walks, rides a bike, or goes to the gym, you better go with him.)
You should tell him you want a divorce and shock him. That might put an end to his wishy washy ways.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 3:24PM
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"ALL men will cheat if given the opportunity"

You are a bitter idiot. Yes many do, but just as many wives do too...who do you think they are cheating with? Some endless supply of cheating floozies?

I was married 12 yrs to my ex....never even considered cheating on her. Wish she took her vows as seriously as I did...she cheated on me twice. Second time I was done. I am 3+ years into a new relationship now...she is an hour away, we see each other on the weekends pretty much since we are busy with work and our kids. I have every opportunity in the world to cheat on her...she's 70 miles from me...but I don't, and I won't.

Most of my good friends are not cheats either....I know some who are of course, but to say ALL men would if given the chance says a lot about your bitterness.

Yes of course, if your man goes anywhere without you he must be cheating...get real.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 4:53PM
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I had a wife like that, once. I never cheated. Never thought of cheating. Absolutely nothing inappropriate, ever. Don't have it in me. But she had a mind like Amy's.

In the process of the divorce I once said to her that I might as well have been making whoopie with other women.....because she made me pay the same price even though I was a loyal and exemplary spouse.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 7:19PM
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