suggestions plz

shwetagargJune 24, 2007

can anyone tell me how to handle(not change) a husband who is not at all intrested in anything in life. he is not depressed or any other problem just a lot different . we hav been married for three years now and it seems that i am running out of my patience. i dont know wht to do to make him feel happy abt life. all he does is work and likes to do photography which i am bored to death with...still i have never in my three years discouraged him in any way to stop his only hobby. He doesnt like meeting ppl, he deosnt like going to crowed places, deosnt want to visit any shows,hate the relatives we have around(all r his relatives)deosnt like to workout,doesnt watches movies or anything on tv,deosnt want to socialise at all,not all an active life.

On weekends all we do is sleep till late and eat and thats all...

I am on the other hand a complete opposite person. wht shud i do to make him better ...he complains all the time or boredum...but nothing is appealing to him in anyway.

Please i need help as i am losing it all.


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Was he like this while you were dating? If so, then I don't think you're going to be able to change the way he likes to live his life.

You may have to start "liking" photography so you can barter for some activity time for things you're interested in. Maybe you could start off by going to a bookstore and browing the photography books and staying for a cup of coffee. Do you have a Barnes&Noble nearby?

    Bookmark   June 24, 2007 at 8:31PM
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He likes work and photography so it's not true that he doesn't like anything. Some people just aren't "people persons" and don't like being around others that much. He has his interests and they aren't the same as yours. I'd say do what you want without him. Eventually he'll either start to follow you around or you will both realize that you are not really compatible.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2007 at 9:11PM
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we had an arrange marriage so i cant really do anything abt it...and i do things without him but then his not so happy attitude really bores mine and takes away my interest in life...weekends r tough to go through. And as far as his work is concerned is something that he has to do and not by choice....
tell me something can i picture the kind of life with him in future without any freinds and family ....we dont have kids but whenever we do how will this attitude of his affect our kids...
i am not sure if i shud wait and give him time to change and then have kids or shud i just leave everything on time and have kids...i am 27 years and i know i hve time to wait for kids. but i keep thinking abt it.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2007 at 9:34PM
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What's makes you so sure he is not depressed?

    Bookmark   June 24, 2007 at 10:30PM
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i guess rather than depressed he is the kind of guy who loves to take tensions and be bothered abt stuff he really shudnt be. I know for sure that he is worried to death abt his old aged parents who r in another country. He decided to stay in states...but now he keeps thinking abt his parents health and thinks that if anything happens to them then they will be all alone and there is no one to help them. there is no practical solution to this problem as his parents dont want to live with me and honeslty i am also not a big fan of them.
i dont know wht to by day i am keeping to a days hours pass by and we dont exchange even a single word....
sometimes i feel the problem is with me ...i like to talk to ppl and love to socialise and love to explore new places..but since he doensnt do all this ..i am kind of feeling stuck with him.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2007 at 1:36AM
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Shweta, I'm sorry that you are going through this. Can you continue to do things, even on the weekends? Can you make friends? Do you have friends in other arranged marriages, where things also might not be ideal? Maybe they can give you some suggestions. It sounds like he is either depressed or anxious. Hopefully, he will go to a doctor for help. If he doesn't, then don't get dragged down to doing nothing on the weekends. Try to find a way to have fun, and then spend time with him. Good luck to you, and please let us know how you are doing.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 7:29AM
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This may sound very simplistic -- but at its most basic level, you can build one life together, or you can each have separate lives of your own. Or you can divorce and try again later with someone else

It doesn't really sound like the two of you can build one life together that would be satisfying to both of you, so to me, the choice would come down to building your own life and support system that only includes him on the margins -- not the most satisfying relationship, but generally tolerable -- or divorce.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 9:57AM
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It seriously sounds to me like he may be depressed especially after you gave more details. Any time people are going through a trying time, depression can pop up. Depression does not just present as sadness or crying. Often it presents as having no interest in things, fatigue, anxiety, moodiness, addictions (is he "overly" interested in photgraphy?), etc.

Not that it's my business, but how is your sex life? If there are bigger than usually problems, I would seriously consider depression. Do some research on your own. There is so much on the web about male depression. Don't just rule it out because he doesn't seem sad. Guys don't often present that way. The good thing is if it is depression, it can be treated and you can have a good relationship although it is often hard to convince men that they could be depressed. Good luck.

Here is a link that might be useful: Depression in Men

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 10:45AM
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hello all tried having a talk with him but to no use. He is mostly and mainly concerned abt his parents. But tell me is it ok to be so much concerned that he stops his own life. My frustration level is on the edge.
Well our sex life is okish, i mean not so grt as i have lost my intrest, he is ever so ready for it.But this deosnt mean i dont give wht he wants. But there r time when we dont do it for a week. Do u think it cud be one of the reasons. I dont know but i just dont feel like.I mean its just that i dont like to have it three times a day . and he is all up for it anytime of the day and night. Its the only thing that convinces me tht he is not depressed.
thanks carla for the link. I have also got some material from my local library but i am afraid, how will he react if he comes to know wht i am reading?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 12:35PM
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I would be asking myself if this is how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 12:44PM
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Just because he still has a good sex drive does not mean he isn't depressed; it's just often a sign. I'm sure if you do more research you'll find that even sometimes 'sex addiction' is a sign of depression. Please don't rule out depression based on that alone. Not everyone has all the symptoms, usually just a few are required. Have him talk to a doctor. Even his regular internist should be able to diagnosis and treat him if needed. It may even be caused by some other physical problem. He really needs a have a good physical.

Of course you're not happy and don't want to spend your life like this, but running to the door when your husband is going through a bad time (and it may be due to a medical condition or too much concern about his parents) isn't what marriage is all about, IMHO. If you truly love him and care about him, I'd try to get to the root of his problem and help him. Life and marriage isn't just about your own happiness. Marriage is a partnership often with big ups and downs, and yes, some of those times you may not be so happy.

I would actually suggest that you print out some stuff about depression and have him read it. Tell him you're sick of living with him the way he is and ask him to see a doctor. You shouldn't feel the need to have to hide you research or thoughts about the subject. You should share them with him. At least it should open up the lines of communication. And, it may be the only way he'll get help. Good luck, as I know getting some men to go to the doctor for anything is sometimes close to impossible. Can't really hurt anything, though, right?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 1:32PM
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You sound pretty young to me--how old could his parents be?
Are they really in bad health or are they just griping about getting old? My children are older than you are and I still work, travel and have fun. What is their problem?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 1:46PM
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"Tell him you're sick of living with him the way he is...ask him to see a doctor. "

OK, carla35! Good on ya.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 3:56PM
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Not really sure what "Good on ya" is suppose to mean. But, since it's coming from you, I'll take it as an insult or sarcastic remark. And, I know my advice may seem a little simplistic, but really, yours is no better, so right back at ya! If she was in an arranged marriage, she'll probably have better luck gettting him to see a doctor than being able to leave him. Really, think about it.

I guess I'm a little more into trying to stick together and work things out rather than just giving up on a marriage. I think most people really do want to try to honor their marriage vows...and "until I become unhappy" I don't think is one of those vows.

Anyway, I would bet the husband is depressed, and if he did get help, her marriage could and probably would be really good. Depression is very hard to live with, but usually somewhat easy to treat. His symptoms are very typical and a doctor could probably diagnosis him within a couple minutes just by asking a few questions. I just think suggesting leaving him is the easy way out. Yes, I'll say it again, she should tell him how she feels, even give him ultimatums if it comes down to it. He should get a complete physical and talk to a doctor. I don't know his personality, but at this point it's worth a shot, and beats her packing up her bags without trying especially when that may not really be an easy option for her. There's something wrong with him that needs to be addressed, not walked away from. He's her husband.

I wonder what would do if your wife suffered from depression and made your life not so happy? Seriously, what would you do?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 5:44PM
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I was agreeing with you. Intending to be complimentary.

Thought obvious. Regret to learn I was mistaken.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 6:54PM
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Oh my goodness PLEASE don't have children yet! I sounds as though you really want to and that's very understandable, but that would be for YOU and not for the children. Please don't bring children into the situation you describe. Work it out first then introduce that stress (and blessing).

    Bookmark   June 26, 2007 at 9:53PM
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I think Carla's advice is excellent.

You are a team, work out the problem together, help him to do this, he needs your help.

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2007 at 3:24AM
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