Ready for divorce after 45 years

Scorpio1947June 23, 2013

After over four decades of a sterile corrosive marriage, I'm ready to walk. At 65, I'm terrified of being alone but I figure it can't be any worse than the eternal bickering, the loneliness, her being drunk by 8PM almost every night, and her refusal recognize a problem or acknowledge help is needed.

I've considered insisting that we get counselling, but I'm 99% sure it would just make things worse. Divorced people tell me counselling just sealed their fate...and cost $$$. My wife denies there's even a problem and says I'm just being controlling. She's spent decades in denial.

I know divorce at our age is rough but I truly dread the years ahead. I'm virtually alone already; except for the bickering that never ends. I can still have a few years of happiness; even if she'd clean me out financially.

I'm not sure why I posted this here, but at least its off my chest. Hope my rambling makes sense.

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emma

This is a rough decision, but it sounds like you have thought it through. You are the only one who can decide if you would be better off with or without her.

If it were me I would leave. I think at my age the few years I have left are precious and should be spent peacefully. My husband died at the age of 80 and as much as I loved him the peace I have now is a freedom I am never known. I went from parents to husband and kids. I have almost no stress at all living alone. What I do have is caused by the HOA my home is in and I just think how comical it is when the HOA president throws his tantrum when someone does something without his permission. LOL

    Bookmark   June 23, 2013 at 4:58PM
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amyfiddler

Counseling is about clarity, not about trying to keep marriages together. If counseling is followed by divorce, someone got clarity.

Wasted time cannot be recouped.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2013 at 1:38AM
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susie53_gw

Get your ducks in a row and go. You will be surprised how good it will feel. Do you have children? If so sit down with them and have a long talk. I would bet they know more then you think. There are places where you can met wonderful people to enjoy. Life is to short to be miserable. Enjoy what time you have left.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2013 at 12:06PM
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scarlett2001

Counseling may not restore the marriage, but it does help you over the rough spots and the period of adjustment that you will have to surmount. As for being alone, there are many nice retirement cities for 55 and up. New people to meet and fun to be had. Divorce is usually a roller coaster ride, some lows and some highs. Be prepared for that.

I think you are very brave, and life is too short to be miserable. Good luck and come back and talk with us.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2013 at 12:59AM
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Karen10125

As everyone said, life is too short. Look at it this way, do you want to be in the same situation at age 75? And be thinking that you could have had 10 years of peace and happiness? Of course not. Be glad you came to your senses now and still have time to enjoy life. Being in a bad marriage like that destroys your self esteem. Take time now to help yourself. And maybe by moving on and leaving your marriage, your wife will realize that she too has to make some changes. Staying in this situation hasn't helped either of you, moving on seems to be the only solution.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2013 at 8:22AM
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clubm

I think it's easier said then done. The older you get the more difficult
It is to meet people. Most of people in this age group are usually
have spouses. Where do you meet people when you are 65 yrs old?

    Bookmark   July 19, 2013 at 10:02PM
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scarlett2001

I would think a lot of people are single, one way or another, at that age. There are senior centers, senior classes through the Dept. of Parks and Rec., church groups, retirement communities, AARP, over 50 on-line dating sites, Gray Panthers, volunteer groups of all ages, etc.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2013 at 3:53AM
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emma

It would be nice to have a male friend to travel with and be with occasionally, but I am satisfied with my life as it is. I have a freedom I have never had before. Don't have to cook, no stress on a daily basis and I am turning into my Mom LOL and that is not a bad things as far as I am concerned. After Dad died she took off her rings, she put them back on when a guy started paying attention her. She said she has no one to please but herself and she liked it that way.

    Bookmark   July 20, 2013 at 9:38AM
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emma

Scorpio please give us an update when/if you make changes in your life. I have been thinking about you. Best wishes for you.

This post was edited by EmmaR on Tue, Jul 23, 13 at 15:16

    Bookmark   July 23, 2013 at 10:23AM
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Sketcher25

Well...by all means you should be happy...but I don't get the comment you made about being wiped out financially...is that why you stayed?

Not too different from most men...the almighty dollar bill ...this tells me that perhaps...just maybe....you have loved money more than her...is that why she drinks?

Not to be so blunt, but when someone her age hits the bottle hard it may be her emotional pain...after 45 yrs with this woman who may have given you children...isn't it your place to find out if she will be ok for the rest of her life?

As for finances...isn't it equitable to divide in half? Especially in light of an addiction issue...would you not mention this as a reason to divorce? I think instead of counting pennies...you need to have an intervention or simply do what you must for yourself..

If you do not care about her health and can walk away, then start scootin...but have you ever asked yourself if you have had any part in emotional issues she may have? I think there is a saying...it takes two to tango....even in my marriage...i can see my own deficits...and mistakes...even though i feel as if 98% of my husbands lack of empathy is genetically based...I know that I am at fault for not recognizing red flags along the way...

    Bookmark   December 7, 2013 at 3:19PM
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colleenoz

Sketcher, I think you've misinterpreted Scorpio's comments.
In another post you say that many older women stay in unhappy marriages because of fear about lack of finances. I interpret Scorpio's remarks as, "I feel the trade off of happiness for the potential loss of accrued finances could be worth it". He's not said anything about his wife not deserving to have an equitable division of property or resenting that this will happen.
And whether or not Scorpio cares about his wife's health, if she has addiction issues but denies there is a problem there is little he can do for her other than put up with it or leave. It sounds like this has been an issue for a long time, not just recently.
Please don't project your unhappiness at your own situation on others.
Personally I feel 40 years of unhappiness is a good sign things are unlikely to change if everything stays as it is. At some point you have to stop hitting your head on the brick wall and admit it's not working.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2013 at 9:08PM
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colorcrazy

Yep. My parents divorced after 44 years. A few years later, my father married a lovely woman. If they are in good shape, men in their 60s and up are in demand.

If my DH passes away before me, I am getting a dog! (He is allergic to them.)

    Bookmark   January 10, 2014 at 9:47PM
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lindylou63

I have been with the same man since 1981. Divorced and remarried to a very emotional abusive narsissist person who fears intimacy. Hides money. Almost 8 years of remarry him. All thoes years of thinking I was unattractive. Always saying sorry for I don't know what. Use to having him make fun if me as a joke in front if my family and his friends. Hide money never care if I ever had any. Started withholding sex when I was pregnant for our second child I loved him so much it was a life I got use to being that my mother was abusive it just seemed normal. Then after he promised to change his ways 7 years ago. He's starting to go back to the old Jim but thru 10 years of counseling I've come full circle everything is clear as a bell but now at 63 years old and a heart condition I'm afraid to leave don't know if I could survive on small pension and social security. He sounds like a monster. But to friends neighbors and some family. He puts this show like u wouldn't believe. Little do they know when they all leave he never sleeps with me never wants to be intimate Always picks fights in holidays. Birthdays. You start thinking what ifs I did. Or didn't say this. I'm sitting on the fence again to divorce again. He says he loves me I love him but I'm feeling so scared financially. Only good thing is thru counseling I know that I am attractive. Smart and kind. And definitely deserved better then and now. Now I think I'm too old to leave

    Bookmark   February 15, 2014 at 1:52PM
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emma

You are never to old to leave or make him leave. I would live in a studio apartment and go on welfare if I had to. I will not live with that kind of treatment and stress.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2014 at 10:00PM
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colorcrazy

Lindylou, please ask your town or county about free financial counseling. I agree with Emma; your peace of mind is more important than staying for the financial security. Get out while you can. He sounds very abusive. You might want to check with an abused women's shelter, too.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2014 at 12:28PM
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colleenoz

Don't let finance tie you to a monster who treats you like crap. On your deathbed, which would you regret more- struggling financially (and that could well only be temporary) or struggling emotionally (permanently)? Better to live the rest of your life at peace with yourself. You have years and years to go yet- don't lock yourself into spending them miserable.

    Bookmark   February 18, 2014 at 1:16AM
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Trebruchet

Scorpio 1947:

I know you're probably not thinking about this right now, but you should. There are a lot more very well-maintained and financially secure widows and divorcees out there than there are 65-year-old guys. I'd be tearin' it up if I were you.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2014 at 9:06PM
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