No intimacy in marriage... wife does not like the idea of sex

JasonBourneJune 18, 2013

I have been married since over two years. We have been in a relationship for over 9 years now. My wife is very supportive to me and trust me I have tried to resolve this issue with what ever resources were available to me including a Doctor,Counsellor, relative, friend etc... trying an internet forum to try my luck. I am going to pour in whatever comes to my mind with the hope that I find some solution to this.

Even before marriage my wife never even liked kissing...nor the idea of sex cuddling fondling etc was fine for her. I thought things would be fine post marriage however they have got rather more complicated. We are 30 now.

I am really frustrated and unhappy about the fact that we lack intimacy. Infact these days I have stopped feeling the connection in between us. She is a wonderful person and I am very lucky to have her in my life. However some things are just beyond my control. I am trying hard to feel the same way for her. May be I am just to frustrated trying and failing over and over again. I have spoken with her and I know she gives her best... but it just doesn't come to her.

She says she doesn't like the thought of sex. She withdraws when we try kissing. (No bad breath issues here please) she loves me.... she is straight.... sex is painful for her though. . We have tried lubricants post consultation. ..we can technically go through the motions however its as good as dead.... there is no intimacy from her end at all.

Now the twist... I have never been with any other woman before... a few months back I met someone with whom I connected. We happened to get really attracted to each other and I could not control myself. We slept together... normally... kissing... intimacy ... it had everything that I was missing. I could not live with the guilt and called it off the very next day. The lady was very understanding and cooperated. Although the attraction remained we havent got intimate again. I know I dont love her... its just the physical attraction. But now it seems I am more attracted to her than my wife. I know this is wrong and really want our marriage to be a happy one. I want to say that I love my wife... but I doubt myself now... I miss the passion that I had.

How do I get things back on track? Hope to get some help.

.

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amyfiddler

Are you a religious person? (off topic a bit, just curious.)

Two most obvious wonderings I have are 1. Does your wife have trauma in her history and 2. Is she angry about anything

Have you asked her to get help? I'm assuming she recognizes that this is an abnormal reaction to sex, knowing that she is a human and that all humans are designed for sexuality.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2013 at 6:53PM
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JasonBourne

Hi Amy,

Thank You for your reply. Religious.. no... not really... I just dint want to cheat on my wife that's it.... and stay committed to her...

1. Trauma- yes... she has been a victim of child abuse... however she denies it to be a reason for not liking the idea. We have discussed this point with the counselor and the doctor. She is over stressed with work.... is sleep deprived. I meet her only on weekends as we live in different cities. Her work requires her to be onsite. However the problem persists even when she comes on a month long vacation where there isnt any stress.

2.She isnt angry about anything. She loves me.... more than any one can. Its just that she detests sex. She tries only for me without any luck though. We are very transparent in our conversation and I do not think there is any communication gap anywhere. We have a perfect life otherwise :).

About help... yes as mentioned earlier we have tried talking to her friend, a Gynecologist and a Counselor. She is open to resolve this.She does recognize this to be abnormal...

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 2:52AM
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emma

If your wife doesn't want sex why don't you back off a little and just love her without sex. Make her feel cherished and loved without the pressure of sex for awhile. Bring her a carnation when you go to the store for milk. My husband used to bring me a simple package of juicy fruit gum. Made me know he had been thinking of me while he was not with me.

I liked sex when I was younger, but didn't like it constantly. I want to be loved for reasons other than just sex. I like to hug and cuddle on the sofa t but I don't like "fondling" as you call it every time we sit on the couch or every time he gets close to me.. If I am elbow deep in soapy water washing dishes, I don't like my husband to walk up behind me and grab me. I like being held and hugged without always leading to sex. I recently had a guy I knew come to my home and want to have an affair with me, I told him no, to many people would get hurt. He accepted my decision and he ask for a hug. He put his arms around me and just held me. I have never in my life been held like that, just held for no reason. I felt cherished and loved and that is the way your wife needs to feel.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 9:50AM
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colleenoz

Whether she thinks so or not, I would bet serious money that the child abuse is at the root of your wife's issues.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 10:24AM
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JasonBourne

Hi Emma.... this isnt a case where the desire has gone low after a while. It never began. The hug and surprise gifts that you spoke of.... I make her feel special every now and then. As I mentioned earlier our life is perfect minus the sex. Also I have tried backing off since two years. However I must admit my frustration.

We both wish to resolve this issue. I do not want to get carried away the way I did earlier. However will try to give her space as well... thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 2:10PM
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amyfiddler

WHen you say child abuse is in her history, what that tells me is this:

She has trust issues.

Sex is the most vulnerable place she could go.

Hard to combine those two. She must trust you, you say she loves you - but in truth, she doesn't trust HERSELF or humanity or vulnerability.

Abuse IS no doubt the root of this issue. How has she convinced professionals that it is not? Sounds like she is working pretty hard not to talk about her abuse. Might she be protecting someone? That's a tricky balance - between pain and protection.

Why is she so convinced that her abuse is not related to her sexual aversion? Does she have another theory? If not, I really question the motive of putting up that defense. I know I have not met her, so this is not a judgement, but making sense of the facts you bring here.

This must be very hard for you. A sexless marriage is tough to maintain.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 10:26PM
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emma

You are welcome Jason. When I was around 60 years of age, I started have a physical problem with sex. I found out later it was a disease that put a stop to having sex. My dear husband loved me anyway, he said he would never do anything to hurt me. He was very loyal and never strayed. That is true love.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 10:27PM
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JasonBourne

Yeah... Child abuse could be a factor.... as I was the only one until she was 22 that she discussed this with. She was very tentative earlier... however she trusts me since then and has spoken about every minute detail. The therapist also suggested as this to be the issue... however she denies it.... She speaks very openly of it now... What we assume is that she has got over it now.... Even if this is the reason hidden somewhere deep within and she is unaware about it.... how do we fix this

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 4:35AM
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amyfiddler

Ok so we have identified the source. Its a vulnerability issue.

Why, do you think she is resistant to the therapists professional opinion?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 9:04AM
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amyfiddler

Also you say that you both assume she has gotten over it now. What tells you that? im curious.

Im having a hard time registering some contradicting statements here a.d have a lot of questions.....

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 9:35AM
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JasonBourne

Well.... she says that "this has nothing to do with the childhood memory. ... she just doesn't like it.... " She keeps trying it ...thinking some day she would be able to enjoy it. She wants to enjoy it like I do. But it just doesnt happen.

Earlier she would not even be happy about sex in movies. .. but now she is cool... she is open to talk about it.... she doesn't feel a big deal talking about the incident anymore... and above all she tells me that is not the reason.... she says she doesnt like it. Say everyone in this world loves icecream.... and we wonder how can anyone not like it??? And believe me I do know a few people who do not like It.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 1:41PM
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JasonBourne

Well.... she says that "this has nothing to do with the childhood memory. ... she just doesn't like it.... " She keeps trying it ...thinking some day she would be able to enjoy it. She wants to enjoy it like I do. But it just doesnt happen.

Earlier she would not even be happy about sex in movies. .. but now she is cool... she is open to talk about it.... she doesn't feel a big deal talking about the incident anymore... and above all she tells me that is not the reason.... she says she doesnt like it. Say everyone in this world loves icecream.... and we wonder how can anyone not like it??? And believe me I do know a few people who do not like It.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 1:43PM
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colleenoz

She tells you it's not the reason, but there are two other possibilities:
She's telling you it isn't, but she knows it is and just wants to get off the whole subject;
She believes it isn't but deep down it is.
This is going to take a lot more work than one or two visits to a therapist and telling you about it.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 11:41PM
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amyfiddler

Was her abuse sexual abuse?

How did her family help or not when she was abused?

Has she ever experienced sexual pleasure?

How did her family of origin deal w sex and the discussion of it?

If she were simply disinterested in sex I MIGHT believe this was a preference, . Like ice cream....but an aversion to sex suggests an emotional reaction which is tied to pain or defense. .

How does she feel about cuddling, or affection?

    Bookmark   June 21, 2013 at 1:30AM
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JasonBourne

@Colleen... your 2nd point makes sense... I guess we need some dedicated therapy. ..

@ Amy
Yes the abuse was sexual... her family is still unaware about it. I know who it was.... not someone in the family.... he was a teen himself when it happened

Sexual pleasure... no never.... she never even liked the thought of it...

She likes cuddling and affection... but not kissing. ...

I guess therapy with emphasis on the abuse being a reason deep within makes sense... will try it

    Bookmark   June 21, 2013 at 5:31AM
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amyfiddler

Goid luck to you :). She needs a lot of healing work.

Lots of positions woud be had re: your affair. Some would say dont tell. I say tell and repair, but you will do what you will. Glad you ended it, its not a good option for anyone. Moving forward may you both find peace.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2013 at 11:32AM
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scarlett2001

Your wife is in denial and has serious psycho-sexual problems. You know this. Your affair seems to be the natural action of a healthy man. (I didn't get your age?)

No matter how much you love her and she loves you, this marriage is not complete. Either she will have to make a gargantuan effort to confront her fears or you two may have to agree that your physical needs are to be met somewhere else. There are marriages like that.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2013 at 1:10AM
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JasonBourne

Thank You for understanding my Situation Scarlett.... I am 29

Cant figure out what is right and what is not...

    Bookmark   June 26, 2013 at 6:20AM
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amyfiddler

Regarding what exactly?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2013 at 9:43AM
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scarlett2001

I would say, his conflict is that he is a healthy 29 year old male, and is unable to get his physical needs fully met from his emotionally scarred wife. He sees this as a black and white situation: either stay in the love relationship and do without really fulfilling sex or get the sex elsewhere and pay for it with guilt, loathing, etc.

There are other avenues that could be explored, that would leave both his emotional relationship intact and his self-esteem in place, but I don't know if his moral/ethical/religious beliefs will allow him to explore that.

My question is, how has this gone on for 9 years?

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 9:44AM
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emma

What would happen if you physically couldn't have sex, what would you expect from her if she had to live without sex.

You can get sex on almost any street corner, but real love is very rare.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 3:22PM
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