Help w/ old Boyfriend

rogue2007June 7, 2007

I need help. My fiancee and I love each other. I love this woman unlike any other woman I have ever met - in a good way. I am head over heals for her. I know she loves me as I can feel it. We simply feel made for each other.

Her old boyfriend calls her to tell her that he is now engaged also. This upsets my fiancee. She says it is because she knows he is making a mistake with who he is with. This guy has been trying to break us up since we have been engaged and now he must have given up and is going back with an old girlfriend.

I don't understand why she is upset.

I don't understand why it makes me feel weird when she gets upset. (I guess it makes me jealous, but that would be new to me - I don't ever remember being jealous.)

I feel hurt, but I don't feel like it is justified. I want her to tell me whatever is on her mind. When she does, I never let on that it upsets me. I don't know what to do - any advice?

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Even if she broke up with him, when he gets engaged to someone else, that new person is, in a sense, 'her replacement'. When that 'replacement' is a bimbo or a psycho or some other type of person she doesn't respect, it feels like a slap in the face. To have been 'replaced' by an 'inferior model'? - yuck.

Could also be she still has feelings for her ex -- not necessarily feelings you'd object to -- but that she wishes him well and hopes he'll be happy. And that as another woman, she gets a read on the new fiancee that makes her believe her old boyfriend will be pretty miserable pretty soon. And that is a sad thing.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2007 at 2:59PM
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I'd be looking for a way to ease this guy out of the picture. Heart-broken former friends and lovers are pretty common but can become a considerable nuisance. Sometimes things can even get ugly. Your fiance isn't doing him any favors by remaining available for consults. She's moved on. Former guy needs to, also. If he's "making a mistake", so be it. He needs to find someone else to talk to.

Especially since you say he's "....been trying to break us up since we have been engaged..." you've got a red flag to keep tabs on, IMHO. OK for your fiance to handle it her way but she really should handle it. "Handling it" means he's gone. Maybe gently and maybe over a little time....but gone.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2007 at 5:01PM
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Hi Rogue -
Since I'm not there, and I don't know either of you, I don't feel competant to tell you either what's going on with your fiancee or what you should do (sorry!). However, there's one line in your post that I can give you some feedback on:

"I feel hurt, but I don't feel like it is justified. I want her to tell me whatever is on her mind. When she does, I never let on that it upsets me"

Rogue, your feelings are your feelings - and therefore they're valid. They may not make sense to someone else, but feelings are neither right nor wrong to have...they just are. Your hurt is valid, and I encourage you to see if you can do a little digging inside yourself to see if you can put more specific words around the hurt you're feeling (e.g. Are you afraid of losing her? Do you feel your love isn't being returned?, etc.). Pretending your hurt doesn't matter isn't going to bring healing, it will only drive the hurt down farther inside, usually to come roaring back at a later occasion. It's OK to feel hurt by this.

You say that you encourage her to tell you what's going on for her - that's great! What a gift to her to let her know she can be fully herself and that she can trust you. But then you say that when she says something that hurts you, you don't let her know what's going on for you. I wonder why that is... Healthy communication needs to be honest, trusting and mutual. While I'm guessing that it may feel to you like you're sparing your fiancee from the discomfort of knowing you're hurt by things she's said, it doesn't foster mutual, honest sharing between the two of you. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that communication can be hard sometimes - but stuffing your own feelings for the sake of someone else usually just leads us to feel resentment toward them farther down the road.

This doesn't sound like it's a small issue for you...I hope this might be an opportunity for the two of you to grow in honesty and to know each other's hearts more deeply.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2007 at 8:51PM
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Halfdecaf has given you some good advice.

Good communication emerging here, good for you, Rogue.

Ask yourself why you feel upset. Perhaps you are just annoyed that this guy is intruding on your relationship, and he is.

I am not sure you are experiencing jealousy. Are you secure in your relationship ?

    Bookmark   June 14, 2007 at 4:17AM
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