need someone to talk to

lizzie2June 18, 2011

4 years ago my husband found his first love, they went to lunch and so on until I found out. The email I found she told him what bra she had on and so forth. Then one night he came home at 1am, at first he told me he had to work over. Never in all the years he worked for that company did he have to stay like that. Then I found on the cellphone bills he was with her. He called everyone in the family and admitted he had lied. We did counseling and are still together. I still find cards in his vehicle that are not signed but he claims he brought for me; this is not something he does or hasn't since couseling stopped. He has a smart phone so he can email her without me knowing or able to find out. Now he wants to move 2 states away for a new better job. He says he will work two jobs for he cannot just sit around. I am disabled and cannot walk; he tells everyone not to marry someone that may become disabled. I feel so worthless, yet I know I am not. We have a child that will have to change schools and leave all they know here. Should I talk to an attorney, I am afraid that changing states will make it easier for him to divorce me. Where we live now; he would have to pay support and insurance and so on for me. Some days I wish I did not exist anymore. Please anyone have any helpful ideas? Thanks.

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Should you talk to an attorney? -- Yes.

Does that mean I think you should get a divorce? That's not at all what I'm saying as I wouldn't presume so much based on one short letter.

But knowing your legal rights and situation is a good idea, no matter what you decide to do or not do. There is some cause to have less-than-full confidence in your husband and marriage, so you need to look after your own best interests in case his interests are divided.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 1:03PM
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Lizzie, there are non-profits that you can contact for legal advice. You also should ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist for your depression.

You obviously can still think, so I am guessing that you still have a lot to offer in a good relationship. Having a disability does not make you undesirable, except to a man who is immature.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 9:29PM
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"...a lot to offer in a good relationship."

"Having a disability does not make you undesirable, except to a man who is immature."

Colorcrazy.....Sorry, but you haven't a clue about the "desirability" or lack thereof of either party or whether or not the OP has anything, let alone "a lot" to offer. I suspect you're trying to be encouraging but this is just silly. You have no idea.

All any of us have right now is a dissatisfied wife....with significant issues....that she needs somebody to support....except she doesn't like her supporter very much right now.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 9:46PM
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Asolo, there are a lot of people with severe disabilities who are very much loved by their spouse or SO. It appears to me that this woman is depressed and her depression is worsened by the fact that her spouse does not appreciate her.

I am not being silly. I know these issues much better than you do. She is a wife and a mother, but her husband does not respect her. She obviously has a good command of the English language, so she does not have to be completely helpless, but between her depression and her husband's disrespect/possible infidelity, she has some decisions to make.

If you can't offer anything constructive.....bug off.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 11:12PM
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"I know these issues much better than you do."

What an incredibly asinine statement! And how astonishingly presumptive!

The OP writes one short paragraph and here you are purporting to know her story inside and out....without even asking question #1. You know her. You know her husband. You know me. How marvelously clairvoyant you must be.

Be gratified, my self-esteemed friend. I'm taking your advice. I want no part of this with you in it.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 11:46PM
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I'm curious to know if you "think" this other woman lives in the state he wishes to move to, or perhaps she is moving there for some reason?

At this point, you have to look out for yourself and child. Moving away from the place you know, with people you know, could be a huge problem for you, especially if he has an agenda when at the new location. That could leave you alone, not knowing a sole.

It appears he is still seeing/talking to his woman. By the way, his statement about "he tells everyone not to marry someone that may become disabled". I don't know your circumstances, but, anyone can become disabled at any time for a number of reasons. And, the grass is not always greener.

I agree you need some counseling for yourself and help with the depression. Best of luck.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2011 at 3:38PM
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when we were getting ready to go, i found a card from the "other" lady and of course it was not signed so he said it was for me....I am always here so why did he think a card that said "no matter where you are you are in my heart" was needed. You are correct, I am depressed and take meds for it. We went to therapy for the "affair" and it did not work but then again; he never showed up. we are not moving, the other lady lives near where he works so moving would have been a blessing in a way. her husband and family does not know about her and my husband. oh well.

i have a chronic illness and that is why i am disabled.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2011 at 11:58AM
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I'm another one with a chronic illness that has made me disabled, but I'm fortunate enough to have a mature husband. When i got married, I was healthy and had no idea I would acquire this "wonderful" disabling auto immune disease. I suspect you probably weren't sick when you were married either. The comment from your husband about not marrying anyone who could become disabled is so incredibly stupid since it can apply to anyone. If that is the only excuse your husband uses to be the jerk he is being, then it is just that - an excuse. Just as Colorcrazy says, there are lots of people with disabilities who are very much loved by their spouses or SO.

I agree with talking to an attorney about your rights and how to secure your position in your current situation. Also, see if there are any support groups in your area for your disability. Unfortunately, your situation is not at all uncommon. Way too many people can't deal with a disabled spouse and find a way out of the relationship. Get yourself prepared in case your spouse is the one that ends your relationship. Don't be left in a lurch with no support.

Also, are the meds you are on for your disability possibly causing or exasperating your depression? I ask because I know about meds such as interferon have a high probability of causing depression and in some cases there are alternative meds that don't.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2011 at 1:08PM
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Hi lizzie,

Don't let your condition get you down. Your disabilites may be visible but some have so many more disabilities that are invisible, but in reality a lot worse.

I don't know why your husband would have said such a mean thing. Maybe he was frustrated. Sometimes I think caregivers (especially men) become a little insecure because they can't fix the problem. He, being your husband, may want to fix you and be frustrated that he can't. Or he may simply not like to do extra housework-- oh. well :-)

Everybody has their crosses, but deep down I think people dealing with chronic illnesses are more insightful, wise and seem to managed their priorities better.

This is a favorite quote of mine... "The Joy of Suffering"
"It is difficult to find a saint or a mystic whose life has not been touched significantly by disability or illness".

Your life has lead you down a different road than planned, but that road may be better than expected. Different, but better. Enjoy the important things in life and stop to smell the roses. You are special.

Good luck with your marriage problems -- and consult a lawyer if necessary (if nothing else to see what your options are). Hope your health is good enough that you can make some wonderful memories, and I hope that you can get your depression under control. Every moment (not just special occasions or events) are opportunities to smile. Turn everyday ordinary moments into special ones. Most think we need money or health to do so, but we don't. Give that extra hug, smile that extra special, play that stupid board game, pet your dog, and take time out to laugh. Hugs to you.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2011 at 9:44AM
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asolo, why don't you post something about yourself.I am sure you will be met with more support than you would anticipate.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2011 at 9:32PM
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Everybody is walking on eggshells because you are disabled and dont want to hurt your feelings,it is really obvious your husband is having an affair,dont let your disability and depression make you feel worthless,you know in your heart you dont deserve this,do something about it.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2011 at 5:01AM
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If you can handle the honesty, ask him to be honest with you. What is it that he want?

And, I give you the advice I gave myself. Find out the ways in which you can live independent from him-- a part of "figuring out your options" is to know the ways in which you CAN survive, with and without him (financially, emotionally, etc.)
One thing that drives a person away is someone whose needs feel overwhelming to them (whether or not the needs truly are or not).
It could be that as you "find more of yourself" he will see in you the person he always loved, and dump that other woman. If he doesn't, you will have least begun the path of knowing how to make it on your own.

Does your disability isolate you from social contact with others? Is there a support group near you that concerns your disability where you can get involved?

    Bookmark   July 30, 2011 at 9:29PM
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Yes get an attorney and protect yourself financially. My Sister's ex took almost $250,000., leaving her with a savings account of $5,000. Once it's gone there is no getting it back.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2011 at 7:16PM
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