Is it me or her !!

dj_rayJune 25, 2012

We have been married for 20 years now, and have wonderful sons. We were both in relationships before we got married, my relationship was on its last legs, and she was engaged to someone who she was ready to give up to be with me. We got married, and had our first child in the first year of marriage. Things were rough during the first few years, and the situations we went through only made us stronger - she always stood by me, and i by her...although we never really talked much about our feelings. We were working hard to survive and provide for our child. Our sex-life was almost non - existant and it caused me a lot of pain. She was quite cold and non-interested in any physical contact. This would outrage me, and would only distant her more. As much as I would try and talk, we would always end up arguing, and made the situation worse than it was..that would lead to the dog house for me again..we have gone years with out any warmth and physical contact. By this time my career had taken off and she was doing well in her job too. We were independent and communicated less and less. During the time my first son turned 5 years old, I had made up my mind that this was not a marriage that I wanted to be living in for the rest of my life - and told her that we should not have any more kids.My plan was to gradually get down to a seperation. She however felt other wise, and when we were away together on holiday she got pregnant with our second child. I was again, needless to say - "somewhat pissed off" ! We carried on the way we were and our second son was born..I kept hoping that things would improve between us, but nothing of that happened, the communication only went from bad to worse. We have helped out her family quite a bit, and she has always been the kind of person to help others - i really find this wonderful, however not at the expense of not addressing issues between us..she always seems to find, something else to do...more important that our situation.

Over the last 2 years it has gotten unbareable, with a lot of nonsense on facebook, that again took priority over any form of communication between us. When ever i think of leaving, i think of my kids and just stay put. It has now reached a point where I believe i deserve some happiness of my own. The ability to communicate for both of us, with each other is impossible - i am unable to function at all and it taking a toll on my business. I am not sure what to do, we have tried a couple of sessions of counsling - but this didnt help much...as much as i come from an upbringing that thought us marriage is sacred and forever..i am just so drained and tired, some peace of mind would be welcome. My only concern is for my kids..the youngest is 11 years old.

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mkroopy

"...she got pregnant..."

I'm thinking you had a hand in this too...just saying...

To answer your question, it's both of you, you were just a bad match to begin with most likely, and probably jumped into marriage/parenthood without really taking the time to get to know each other and figure this out. Also, it sounds to me like she's "checked out" of the marriage already...probably just hanging in there for the kids or something, otherwise she would have welcomed the counseling.

If your youngest kid was older...16 or 17, I'd probably say hang in there another year or two until they are out of the house...but I can't see living like this for another 7+ years. If you are civil with each other, treat each other with some respect and don't try and use your kids to get back at the other in any way, they will be fine...if you think they are clueless to the tension in your marriage, you are wrong.

Do it the right way, though...resist the urge to have an affair to force the issues, which is exactly what my ex wife did, she did not have the guts/character/class to do things the right way, and I will forever hate her for this. Put your kids' happiness first, put any desires for revenge at your wife away...just figure out how to end the marriage in a civil, non-hostile way.

Then when it's all done, start to live your own live....

    Bookmark   June 25, 2012 at 11:08AM
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asolo

Sounds pretty stereotypical to me.

Rebound marriage...everything fine for a few minutes before the baby came....then she cut you off. After years of aggravation and seeing the handwriting on the wall, she seduces you on vacation and you volunteer to be seduced so the ball-busting charade can continue. New baby, so you're all wrapped up again, but no sex....again. Do you see a pattern here? Do you know how many novels have been written about this over the last three hundred years? Unfortunately, the situation is common as nails. Always has been.

20 years of this? Really? Wake up, dad. And screw "sacred and forever". You've been had....and you're being had. Counselors can't help when your spouse is prosecuting an agenda....which she obviously is, and will NEVER disclose to you or to any counselor. All that's happening now is your sons are learning a terrible pattern of spousal interaction. They'd likely be better off with shared custody.

Get a mistress or get out of there. Maybe both.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 12:26AM
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sylviatexas1

Do people still have "mistresses"?

doesn't seem to me like there'd be anything in it for the woman...
unless OP is wealthy enough to pay her a wage compensurate with value received.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 6:37PM
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asolo

So let's all be dense, sylviatexas........

I was 1/2 serious / 1/2 sarcasm, but with a handle on serious....was it really that hard to get a handle on? Now you know why I don't make my living in stand-up. It's not funny if nobody gets it.

The guy's been hosed. He should get out and find someone else.

Are you implying that he should do something other?

    Bookmark   June 27, 2012 at 10:06PM
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mkroopy

It's not called a mistress anymore, now it's called a FWB....and yes people still have them, always have and always will....for various reasons. For the record, I am not referring to me.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2012 at 9:18AM
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rob333

You're not doing your children any favors staying together in an unhappy marriage. You're making them unhappy too (they feel it) and you're setting a really bad example for what their marriages should be. So if you're staying for them--get out. I wish we'd parted ways sooner. Son was beside himself with glee when he didn't have to tolerate the gloom 24/7. Peace to you! I hope it goes well for you all.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2012 at 9:25AM
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asolo

Well, peace and best wishes and blah, blah, blah.

Looks to me like another typical fly-by. They come here to puke-up into cyberspace and then disappear so we don't get to know.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2012 at 10:12PM
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rob333

You just wishing for an update asolo? Or do you expect them to thank you? (giggling) I just assume they're too busy doing whatever is suggested and then get on with their lives. I'm teasing you!

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 8:56AM
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asolo

Yup. Curiosity.

Also re-read my post that followed yours and it reads like a partial mockery of what you said......which was not at all the impression I intended. My annoyance with the OP spilled over and I just dashed that off. Need to be more careful with that. Sorry.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 9:35AM
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rob333

It's totally ok. I really was jesting with you. All in good fun. It gets too serious over here some days.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 10:49AM
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popi_gw

Can't understand why people have children, when they can't provide a happy homelife and upbringing for them. Really selfish I think.

At least the OP has got it off his chest, a bit, it is good to sit here and type away spilling your angst for all the world to read. Would be good to hear if he liked our helpful responses.

Although mine isn't very helpful !

    Bookmark   June 30, 2012 at 3:23AM
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scarlett2001

Just as an aside, I love when women "get pregnant", don't you? Sometimes the woman even "got herself pregnant" - an interesting biological feat. Unless she went to the sperm bank.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2012 at 12:49AM
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pekemom

It's over, it's been over a long time. How happy are the boys in this strained realtionship?

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 2:36PM
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mountain_lady

DJ RAY,
Time for you to look at it for what it is. You are staying so your Son's have mom and dad in the same house. Well Here is the thing. Your Son's See a very unhealthy marriage and so they will in turn have the same kind of marriage if they ever go there in thier life's. If you both are not happy Time to pack your bags and get out. This Does not mean that you dont love your children.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2012 at 1:45PM
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