what to do???

Whattodo123456June 25, 2011

Please don't be rude in ur reply's, but I have a bit of a problem with my marriage its a long story so I guess here it goes. I've been married for almost 7 years now we have 2 beautiful girls 6 and 4 they are the world to me. Our life together started out pretty good both very much in love, but after about 3yrs in we started to fight a lot either because of my drinking or because of the lack of intimacy and lack of affection on her part. we worked through these problems and got better, but it has been an up and down relationship ever sense we even went through a predivorce trial almost to the last court date but for some reason we decided to fix it that was 2yrs ago.

We recently move out of state for work reasons shortly after moving here we met some people here and they seemed like good people little did I know that the husband who was also a coworker of mine was unhappy in his marriage started to text my wife when I was not around long story short I caught him and my wife in bed together. I hurt him pretty badly I was lucky enough to keep my job and stay out of jail. After a couple of months the wife said she wanted to try to fix things. While talking one night about 9 months ago she was crying uncontrollably and tells me she was once a prostitute when she was 18 she got mixed up with the wrong people and some how ended up there it took almost a year for her to get away and back home to her mom. She has had a rough life before we met and I thought I knew it all.

I thought I could move past all this but in the last 2 months the lack of affection and intimacy has gone away I keep trying to work on things I cant get the thoughts of her past and that night out of my head but she doesn't know this I keep moving forward as best I can the lack of affection is on her part no hugs, kiss or even a simple gesture to let someone know you love them.

I'm so confused on what to do I come from a broken home and would hate to see my kids go through the same stuff. any advise and remember Please don't be rude in ur reply's

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"I cant get the thoughts of her past and that night out of my head but she doesn't know this"

Don't bet on that. She knows she dropped a bomb on you and that things have been different since then. But what she doesn't know is exactly what you're thinking. Odds are decent she's imagining the worst -- that quite possibly you're so disgusted by her past that you don't even want to touch her. Or that you're so disappointed that she lied to you (by omission) that you don't love or respect her anymore. Or this, or that, or who knows what else...

TALK with her - preferably in the presence of a counselor to help you both keep the conversation kind, honest and focused. Open and honest communication is essential to a marriage, and right now, you two don't have that...

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 12:26PM
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Whattodo, I agree with Sweeby 100%. Your wife is probably avoiding you because she thinks that now that you know, you don't want anything to do with her. Let her know what you are thinking and what you want, and ask her what she wants. Marriage counseling may help if you can afford it. If not, there are some low cost alternatives, depending on where you live.

It is important to understand that girls get drawn into that kind of behavior because of low self esteem issues. Once your youngest is in school, it might help your wife to get a job or go to school herself.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2011 at 1:06PM
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"Once your youngest is in school, it might help your wife to get a job or go to school herself."

Don't bet on it. My ex wife (who I always felt had self-esteem issues, despite being very beautiful) cheated on me after about 7 yrs of being a stay at home. Chalked it up to the 'loneliness' of being with the kids all day while I worked long hrs. Like a fool I gave her the benefit of the doubt, put her thru nursing school, really tried to work on things, and not 6 months into starting working as a nurse...she does it again. I thought having some other purpose and focus other than being a mom would round out her life...nope. She's just a person who is never really happy...work didn't change that one bit.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 11:12AM
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Or...it could be that she is in love with your co-worker and just doesn't have a sexual interest in you. She digs up her past as an excuse to buy her time or give her an excuse. I'm guessing the co-worker probably won't leave his wife and she needs you as the breadwinner for the family.

If this is the case..why? Why would she be in love with someone else? Possibly you have a drinking problem that has contributed to disolving the marriage so to say? The fact that you even mention it is suspicious. Is your relationship physically or emotionally abusive? Women generally don't have sexual flings for sex, usually an emotional component is missing in their marriage.

Maybe she does have some sexual problems and was forced into almost rape like conditions in her past, and has some intimacy problems now.

There's a hundred things that could be going on here. I recommend you both get counseling to sort through it. I sense that you don't want to leave--maybe you know you are part to blame -- I don't know, but if you really wanted to leave, you would have already been out the door.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2011 at 8:44AM
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