Do two wrongs make a right?
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7. About 4 years ago my husband started drinking and being verbally and emotionally abusive. It began with him picking on very small things like not putting the dishes away and the fact that it was "my job" or disrespecting me by asking me to collect him (in the early hours of the morning) from a drunken night only to tell me to go home because he's not finished partying when I was halfway there.
I became accustomed to jumping when he said how high and trying to make him happy by doing whatever he wanted. He was able to make me feel unworthy and self despising. I hated myself for feeling like that.
Over a couple of years my husband's treatment of me evolved into me not caring and being a b**ch for not picking him up (and asking him to stay at a friends house) after a very drunken night. Telling me that marrying me stopped him from doing what he wanted with his life. Letting me know that he preferred his hand and porn to having sex with me...yep thanks for that (admittedly I had lost all interest by this stage).
Surprisingly it was him asking me to take him to the bottle shop to buy a bottle of bourbon so he could "tell me how he really feels". I cracked. I pulled over to the side of the road and balling my eyes out I told him that if he needed alcohol that much then he certainly didn't need me. I left him for two weeks.
My husband apologised and told me that it was just stupid drunk talk, that he loved me and didn't want to live without me. So I set down some ground rules. There would be no spirits in the house, if he wanted to drink excessively, don't come home; stay at a friends house. I wasn't giving up on my marriage, it's not my style.
This worked for about 4 months. Gradually he progressed from beer to premix spirits ("oh but honey it's not a bottle"!!). Work dwindled to a few small jobs and the emotional abuse started again. He would tell me that I was like a "stunned mullett" in bed and he just wasn't interested. He began telling me that I didn't do enough around the house (admittedly I had my very lazy weekends where nothing would get done) and complain that I was angry, annoyed and grumpy all the time. I was stronger this time. I walked out. 4 weeks this time until he talked me into coming home. Again, rules were set. There would be no drinking in the house; if he was going out with friends, I would not be picking him up; he had to start making an effort to make me feel loved, cherished and wanted sexually. I couldn't deal with it all again. I felt so broken.
For the past 12 months things have been...ok at best. He has his ups and downs. I have had an apology from sober husband and drunk husband for how he had treated me. The porn and masturbation still comes before intimacy with me, it's just "easier" apparently. He still disregards my requests for him to stay at a friends place once he'd had too much to drink. Things were going ok but I couldnt (and still cant) help but feel that the next episode, as I call them, is just around the corner.
3 weeks ago I cheated on my husband. I feel disgusted and so angry at myself for allowing it to happen but happen it did. For the first time in nearly years I felt sexy, wanted, attractive and worth the attention I was receiving. For two days I was the centre of someone's world. I enjoyed it. I couldn't help but feel that this was how sex should be, feeling free, fun, not worrying about if I was "good enough". I felt so wanted. I know that my actions were far, far from right.
I don't know whether I should tell my husband, I do love him and I wish our marriage could work but after everything that has happened, I just don't know if my heart is in it anymore. Don't get me wrong, over the years there have been good times but they've just been very few and far between.
Sorry for the verbal diarrhea but I have no one I can really talk to about this. Especially the infidelity.