Do two wrongs make a right?

CrazyLady05June 20, 2013

My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7. About 4 years ago my husband started drinking and being verbally and emotionally abusive. It began with him picking on very small things like not putting the dishes away and the fact that it was "my job" or disrespecting me by asking me to collect him (in the early hours of the morning) from a drunken night only to tell me to go home because he's not finished partying when I was halfway there.

I became accustomed to jumping when he said how high and trying to make him happy by doing whatever he wanted. He was able to make me feel unworthy and self despising. I hated myself for feeling like that.

Over a couple of years my husband's treatment of me evolved into me not caring and being a b**ch for not picking him up (and asking him to stay at a friends house) after a very drunken night. Telling me that marrying me stopped him from doing what he wanted with his life. Letting me know that he preferred his hand and porn to having sex with me...yep thanks for that (admittedly I had lost all interest by this stage).

Surprisingly it was him asking me to take him to the bottle shop to buy a bottle of bourbon so he could "tell me how he really feels". I cracked. I pulled over to the side of the road and balling my eyes out I told him that if he needed alcohol that much then he certainly didn't need me. I left him for two weeks.

My husband apologised and told me that it was just stupid drunk talk, that he loved me and didn't want to live without me. So I set down some ground rules. There would be no spirits in the house, if he wanted to drink excessively, don't come home; stay at a friends house. I wasn't giving up on my marriage, it's not my style.

This worked for about 4 months. Gradually he progressed from beer to premix spirits ("oh but honey it's not a bottle"!!). Work dwindled to a few small jobs and the emotional abuse started again. He would tell me that I was like a "stunned mullett" in bed and he just wasn't interested. He began telling me that I didn't do enough around the house (admittedly I had my very lazy weekends where nothing would get done) and complain that I was angry, annoyed and grumpy all the time. I was stronger this time. I walked out. 4 weeks this time until he talked me into coming home. Again, rules were set. There would be no drinking in the house; if he was going out with friends, I would not be picking him up; he had to start making an effort to make me feel loved, cherished and wanted sexually. I couldn't deal with it all again. I felt so broken.

For the past 12 months things have been...ok at best. He has his ups and downs. I have had an apology from sober husband and drunk husband for how he had treated me. The porn and masturbation still comes before intimacy with me, it's just "easier" apparently. He still disregards my requests for him to stay at a friends place once he'd had too much to drink. Things were going ok but I couldnt (and still cant) help but feel that the next episode, as I call them, is just around the corner.

3 weeks ago I cheated on my husband. I feel disgusted and so angry at myself for allowing it to happen but happen it did. For the first time in nearly years I felt sexy, wanted, attractive and worth the attention I was receiving. For two days I was the centre of someone's world. I enjoyed it. I couldn't help but feel that this was how sex should be, feeling free, fun, not worrying about if I was "good enough". I felt so wanted. I know that my actions were far, far from right.

I don't know whether I should tell my husband, I do love him and I wish our marriage could work but after everything that has happened, I just don't know if my heart is in it anymore. Don't get me wrong, over the years there have been good times but they've just been very few and far between.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhea but I have no one I can really talk to about this. Especially the infidelity.

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Not sure what your real question is....I suspect more than anything you need to talk it out.

You have no one to talk to? A priest or a therapist might be a good option. Try looking up alanon in your need it!

Why is ending the marriage not your style, and where is your bottom line? Sounds to me like perhaps your affair was either passive aggressive, or it was a sub conscious exit strategy due to the fact that your conscious mind wont allow you to leave.

You clearly know the answer to your question in the subject line. I think what you are possibly asking is, "am I forgiven by you strangers more easily because of what I have endured?"

The real answer is, it doesnt matter what we think. Only you know the whole horrific truth. Now what is the healthiest course?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2013 at 9:17AM
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You are married to an abusive alcoholic. Why have you taken a stand over and over only to back off? Something is keeping you there, more than "divorce isn't my style".

You had a little taste of what real life could be like for you, feeling valued and loved. Why are you choosing the other path?

BTW, although AmyFiddler gives great advice, I have to disagree about consulting a priest. Get counseling from somebody who does not have an agenda.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2013 at 1:20AM
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CL05, please make whatever arrangements you need to get out and feel safe. Go somewhere that he will not find you. This man is wasting your life, and you deserve better. Please take action. Once you are away from him, and he can't contact you, I hope you work on re-building your self-esteem. Best wishes.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2013 at 10:00PM
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CL05, please make whatever arrangements you need to get out and feel safe. Go somewhere that he will not find you. This man is wasting your life, and you deserve better. Please take action. Once you are away from him, and he can't contact you, I hope you work on re-building your self-esteem. Best wishes.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2013 at 10:08PM
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In my previous marriage, my husband did not abuse me, but he did become an alcoholic.

I became someone he resented, I was blamed for ruining his career, and everything in life he was unhappy about. He also lost interest in me sexually- In all honesty I don't think he ever wanted to marry me in the first place, and spent the next 10 years regretting it and the drinking was just how he coped. I didn't have an affair- but after we had been discussing divorce for several months, I developed an attraction to another man. Someone who thought I was wonderful, beautiful, worth talking to, and made me feel normal.

I asked my husband to leave, he filed for divorce, and I
married my soul mate. I have never looked back.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2013 at 12:54PM
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I don't think there is any excuse for cheating. If I felt so little for the vows I took and for my husband I would just get a divorce and be done with it. You took the vows, you promised and you cheated. Do you feel it's wrong? I don't think it matters what he did, it only adds to your problems.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2013 at 8:52PM
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Heaping guilt on this lady for "breaking her vows" isn't going to help. Her husband has broken his in every way and, being lonely and unloved, she did what was human. She was reaching out for love and contact.

No, I don't think two wrongs make a right, but if she doesn't take some steps to clear her mind and get out of this, it will happen again, with the resulting guilt and self-hate, which is only going to make things worse. Time to talk it over with a professional. Maybe Al Anon, for families of alcoholics.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 9:30AM
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Heaping guilt?

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 10:38AM
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her husband made vows,, to love, honor and cherish her. What about his commitment? How long do you stay with someone? If an alcoholic does not get help- but continues to destroy your life and your marriage- abuses you emotionally, refuses you physically- you are just supposed to resign yourself to a life of misery and solitude ? Clearly she was broken and needed human contact. The need to feel love is our most basic human need, and there is no shame in that need. A marriage is broken, two people are broken, and she needs to get help. Poster, I called alcoholics anonymous. My husband would not get the help he needed- but I did get help from these kind people. Call them, they are a wealth of sensible and objective information and SUPPORT. I hope you make the call.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 10:42AM
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I always remember the age old advice: you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Seems like you waited years for him to change, he didn't you accepted that and then you did something to make yourself feel even worse. You need to come up with a plan, which should definitely involve some type of therapy as other posters mentioned. You need to work on you at this point. Your husband is the only one who can fix him. You didn't mention children so I don't if you have any, but if you do you really need to get help and change your whole situation, and quickly.

This post was edited by Karen10125 on Tue, Jul 23, 13 at 6:15

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 12:08PM
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You can't change anyone but yourself and it doesn't help if you do something that is wrong. Finding love and comfort like that is not going to make a person feel any better. All it can do is give you aids or any of the other diseases.

What do you have to gain by staying with this man but unhappiness? Don't waste a precious year of your life staying with someone like you described.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 3:16PM
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An affair is never a healthy response to a traumatic marriage. That's just truth. No one is expected to be loveless.....either solve the problem or stop the problem. Then, get straight. THEN find love. If you are looking for a healthy response that's my answer. If you are looking for the easy road, find a lover. There will always be volunteers. The problem is, you will highly likely find trouble and will not solve the root of your problem via an affair.

My arms have and always will remain open to console those who hurt from affairs, on all ends of it. I care deeply and don't "condemn" but I will tell you the truth about what affairs are and aren't.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2013 at 5:50PM
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