husband being an insensitive a** (long)

peanutmomJune 17, 2010

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. He has 1. We have one daughter together and one on the way. We had our daughter together before we got married. The first time we were going to get married, I found out from his ex that he was texting her and asking her to have sex with him. He gave me a complete BS story and even though he has admitted since then that it wasn't the whole truth, he has never admitted the whole truth. He just refuses to deal with anything that is even remotely his fault.

We have had issues with his daughter, good kid, but a more than a bit spoiled, who lives primarily with her mother. We have had issues with him inability to be nice or even handed with my son. My daughter is grown, living on her own, and has a baby. He is great with our daughter most of the time, other than a lack of help with her. He works long hours during the time of year when he is able to work. (landscaping) We have a daughter on the way, whom he refuses to accept will be a daughter. The ultrasound was very clear. We have had issues with him starting projects around the house and not finishing anything. He will get it to the point where we can use whatever room he is working on and that is where it stays.

Now to the current problem. I am expecting our next daughter in October. I have had complications with all of my pregnancies to one extent or another. Some of them much worse than others. I have had back surgery and that is causing some of the problems with my current pregnancy. I have a pinched nerve and (unrelated to back problems) severe varicose veins in my one leg. The varicose veins are very sore and make it difficult for me to do anything. I have had 2 visits to er's and 3 visits to other doctors and many, many visits to the chiropractor trying to deal with the problems.

My husband is a huge wimp when he is in pain, but when he isn't the one feeling it- it doesn't exist. He just cannot accept that I am in pain that makes it difficult for me to even sit down. Most of the time, I have to stand and pace or lay down and even then I am in some pain. I finally got a doctor to prescribe me some pain medication because I was only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. Now that I am on the meds, which I have to take to function, my husband acts as though the pain shouldn't be there at all and that I am supposed to be perfectly normal and act like it is all gone. It never completely goes away, but it does phase out for short periods.

I am furious because when we go somewhere, riding in a vehicle is the worst thing to make me hurt, he acts as though I am not allowed to be in pain because it is inconvenient for him. He gets mad when I ask him to get what he needs/ wants from the store so we can leave. He gets irritated when I tell him I am ready to go home because the pain medication is wearing off and I am hurting. (I usually take just enough along to do for the visit we are expecting.) I am not supposed to get irritated when he decides to take the long, bumpy way home. He gets mad that I don't like to visit with anyone for more than a couple of hours and I am not supposed to go anywhere when he isn't home, because if I do then that is showing him that I am not in "real" pain and that I am making excuses to not go anywhere with him. Hello! I have dr appt's and I did go see a friend who lives pretty close to us twice because she just moved with her new husband from Florida and I haven't seen her in 3 years.

WTF! Is it too much to ask for him to try to understand that I am only human and can only take so much? That I can't deal with his rolling his eyes at me and smirking when I tell him I am in pain? I try to be reasonable and do everything I can on my own, but it hurts so much sometimes to just bend over to pick something up that I have the nerve to ask him to take a load of laundry from the washer and put it in the dryer. He will wait until I have gotten disgusted(hours later) and asked my son to do it or done it myself (causing more pain) to tell me that he would have gotten to it eventually. God help me, I am ready to throw him out. I can't take much more of his insensitive behavior.

Any advice? I am getting desperate.

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Just waiting for asolo to get to this one. Come on, you know you want to....

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 10:31AM
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now kick him to the curb.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 12:32PM
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Why in the world did you get pregnant again?!?!? Why in the world did you even marry him!?!?! Frankly, I'm wondering why in the world you even bedded down with him in the first place, resulting in baby #1. Did he exhibit none of this personality then?

You tell us about your problems before and during your marriage, and then go on to tell us about, in your words, the "current" problem. Honey, it seems like the previous problems are still current, and the current ones are just a continuation.

You married him why? You are having #2 child with him why? Unfathomable. Perhaps you'll say that you didn't mean to get pregnant. Well, I can (perhaps) buy that once, but twice? The pill is pretty darned reliable.

I'm sorry if you consider this harsh. In a way, I guess I mean it to be. There is no way you should have progressed into marriage with this jerk and I think you knew it. Yet you did, and the tragedy continues.

What is it that you're looking for from us? That we tell you to leave him now? If we do, will you?

Leave him now. No more children!!!

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 12:45PM
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peanutmom, here is an excerpt of a response that you gave to motivatedmother a while back. Focus especially on your sentence : ...I learned that you teach people how to treat you...":

>> I can see the past clearly now, and I am still wondering what I was thinking. The first thing I learned was that you teach people how to treat you. If you let them get away with behavior you don't like, then you can't complain when they continue.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 12:50PM
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Well, in all honesty, I didn't expect my problem to be handled with kid gloves. So here goes...

First, no he didn't show any of the traits I had problems with when we were together for the first year and a half. I really (perhaps foolishly) thought that no one could keep up a show for that long. He was kind, good with the kids, and helped me with anything I asked. It actually seems that some of the problems we had came from his spoiled childhood and inability to grow up. They slowly crept in as time went along. I was completely blindsided by what happened with his ex. It was give and take for both and both swear it never went any further than text messages. I still keep an eye out for any bs of the sort. I was married to a man who, (yes, You guessed it...) slept with his ex wife the whole time we were married. He was 10 years older than me and had me snowballed. It got pretty abusive before I got brave enough to leave.

Maybe, I am crazy, but the first child was planned when things were good. This child was NOT. I wasn't ready to have any more kids ever. As for the pill, it might be reliable, but it doesn't do anything for someone who's body reacts adversely to it. I tried 7 different kinds before my dr told me I just couldn't take it. We used alternative methods and all it took was one time of it not working. I am getting my tubes tied this time. No chances, ever again.

The man I married can be incredibly sweet, thoughtful and kind for long stretches and maybe it is all my fault that I let him get away with stuff. When I get to my breaking point, he knows it in no uncertain terms. I am beginning to think that the only way to make him "behave" is to be at that point all of the time. I made it clear to him that I have been divorced once and I was on my own for a good while before he came along and I would do it again. I lost everything but my kids the first time, and I would do it again to have a life that doesn't make me miserable.

I know I can be rather b!tchy when I am in intolerable pain, but I just can't understand his fear of dealing with it. I honestly think he feels if he ignores it until the baby is born then it will be over and we will be okay. He just doesn't get it. If he is like that now, what happens if I end up with cancer or other health issues? I just can't take things the way they are. I told him that if he chooses to be like that, he is going to get out. I am done. I am not letting him off the hook this time and no excuses are acceptable.

Maybe, I am a fool, but the good news is that I am not alone. I don't know anyone who has made all of the right decisions in their life. But that doesn't mean that I have to continue to make the same ones over again. I remember the advice I gave someone else, and I needed the reminder.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 4:39PM
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sure he showed all the traits right away. he asked his ex to have sex with him before you got married, and you still married him. how much "showing" did you expect? your problems started right there and then. everything else was just to be expected.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 5:32PM
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OMG you are that same woman whose husband is abusing her son! I just remembered! and you are still with him, i remember your posts, is that still same man????? every time you post, there is more and more nonsense comes out, now you are pregnant again? you had hundred excuses for him few months ago but it is just getting worse!!!!

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 5:40PM
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finedreams, I remember you, too. One can always count on you for dependable advice. The only thing I can ever remember hearing from you is that when something is wrong, don't work it out, just RUN! I am glad things are so cut and dried in your life.

FYI, the husband who was "abusing" my son, has changed quite a bit in that department and gets upset with me when I am in pain and get short tempered with him for his non-stop talking. I guess that no one ever changes or messes up where you are, but some people just have messed up lives and the shallow gene pool we apperantly have to deal with here limit what we have to work with. It is just a dang shame.

If you were paying any attention, you would have seen that there was no intention of getting pregnant, but some only see what they want. Unfortunately, I was under the impression that this forum is where people come to discuss problems with their marriage. I had no idea that we were to only share the good things about it. I knew I had it wrong- as usual! I was furious with my husband's behavior last night. Rightly so, but still unable to be impartial at all. I spent one heck of a day in more pain than most people ever have nightmares about, and I was plain down right PO'ed. I guess I should just learn to turn a blind eye to all of my imperfections and learn to condemn everyone in my life that gets under my skin, then I would have your advice down pat. I will try to keep it in mind.

If anyone has questions (that they haven't already answered for themselves), I would be happy to answer them. I am also open to any ADVICE that would help me get the point across to my (clearly messed up) husband that my pain is real and that I need support and understanding, not his childish attitude about my reactions to the pain. If I am being grouchy, irritable, or just plain nasty there has to be another way for him to tell me, other than rolling his eyes and making faces. I guess that I could split from this (horrible) man and try to live on nothing since I cannot work because of the complications. Or I guess I can just keep trying to figure out how I could have managed to marry someone that is (gulp) human and screws up and irritates me, and just work with that. Gee! I guess that I should just lose my home, leave my kids homeless, feed them dirt, and oh yes, make sure that the man who has worked long hours to put food on the table never gets a chance to be happy again. I can see so clearly now that everything is so clearly pointed out to me.

What Mud!

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 6:44PM
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"The only thing I can ever remember hearing from you is that when something is wrong, don't work it out, just RUN! I am glad things are so cut and dried in your life. "

if anybody would abuse my child, yes it would be RUN, cut and dry. I understand that for you protecting your children is not a priority. Yes here we differ.

You can blame me, but it is not just me, everyone else tells you that you live with unacceptable man. Yet every time you hear it you immediately back off "he is not that bad". yes, he actually is "that bad". What you describe threads after threads is not just "he makes mistakes and irritates me", what you describe is ABUSE.

Leaving abusive man does not mean feeding children dirt or being homeless. I don't know where you get that from. Plenty of people on this forum and in real life left abusive partners yet their children are eating food and sleeping in beds.

You could be angry at me or others here but it is your life and you have to live it. I doubt anyone would advice you anything else rather than ending this nightmare.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 10:09PM
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"God help me, I am ready to throw him out. I can't take much more..."

"Gee! I guess that I should just lose my home, leave my kids homeless, feed them dirt, and oh yes, make sure that the man who has worked long hours to put food on the table never gets a chance to be happy again."

Pretty disparate points of view from a single source, I think you may agree. Can't imagine what "advice" would be acceptable to you given what you've written about this mess you've helped construct. Apparently you can't make up your own mind about what you really think. You're dissatisfied but you don't have a pot to p... in on your own so you're wallowing in hopes and wishes for your guy to turn into somebody else so you won't mind staying. Of course he won't. And if you haven't decided by now, I doubt you ever will.

".....some people just have messed up lives and the shallow gene pool we apperantly have to deal with here limit what we have to work with. It is just a dang shame."

I can't top that....and I refuse to engage at this level.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2010 at 11:52PM
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"In sickness and in health, for better or for worse " Think of those words, or rather your husband should think about them.

He is acting like a moron, rolling his eyes, etc etc, I wouldn't even say he is childish, because a child would help a sick person, or a person in pain.

If this pregnancy is having such a toll on your body, don't go through another one. For your own health's sake.

You really have to question whether you see a future with this man.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2010 at 12:33AM
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