trouble wife

woman2010June 11, 2010

I am 38yrs old, married to my husband for 12yr and have no kid, and I had an affair. there is no excusese for me to do this, but my husband wanted me to come back to him. I did come back to him, and he became a different man, he was very violence, verbally, and emotional abuse. I could not stand him, and move out to live by myself. however we still keep in touch.

after I moved out. He was so nice and kept asking me when I am going to come home. I told him that I don't want to come back to him. and he started to get mad and use the bad words like M... yell at me, talk bad about my parents and my grand parents, and anybody related to me.

I totally shut off the phone, then he keep calling and leave messages that he was sorry about the verbally, and really sorry. he show up at my work place to ask me to go out for luch. basicly, he is very nice now to pay back the way that he verbally abuse. He is thinking buying a new car for me, he even discusses where to buy a home, have kid and start a family. he also give me his atm to use with pin#(and ofcouse he knew that I would'nt use it, that's why he gave it to me, I think)

the affair happended two years ago.

right now, I think I don't have any feeling for him at all, but sine he is very nice and discuss how to build a family just the way that I want it, and I feel like I just can't turn around when he is so nice to me. I am considering to go back to him, but I am so afraid the physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse will hapend again.

I discuss with him about the affair, and how worry I come back to him with his abusive. He said don't metion about the affair, and He was sorry that he abused me, and don't worry about it.

I am so scary of those abuse feeling. I affraid it will happend again when I come back to him.

any of you have this experience, please help me. what should I do? cry...cry....

ps. at the begining, I talked to my lover, and asked what I should do, He said if I don't marry him, go marry with somebody else, but don't go back to my husband because he knew MEN WILL NOT FORGIVE, EVEN THEY SAID SO. Maybe I am happy at the short begining, but later I WILL HAVE A SUFFER LIFE if I come back to my husband, HE SAID.


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Notwithstanding the infidelity issue, which you've apparently owned up to, from what you've written, I would be moving the other direction as quickly as I could. Separation's already accomplished. Move on to divorce and get on with your life. You're describing a scary guy. Increase your distance.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2010 at 4:53PM
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Woman2010, don't take the bait! Abusers almost always are very "nice" when they want to get their victim back. He is setting a trap for you.

    Bookmark   June 11, 2010 at 7:39PM
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thank you asolo and scarlett2001 for replying. In the back of my mind, that's exactly what I thought. because I did try to come back, I still have my own place, but just came back home with him for a week or so (we didno't have sex when I was with him) he look all over my stuffs to see if I still have information of my lover, My car is very old, and he never mention to fix it, he expect me to share the rent, buy supplies for the house, and cook.(he knew I don't have money, because I am unemployment.

the atmostphere was getting thicker and thicker, He knew that I am going to get back to my own place, then he start making things easier by talking to me more, pay attention to me more, and cook for me. when I see that he was getting better, I deciside to stay home, then he start making things harder by waking at the middle of the night talk about my affair, and ignor talking to me during the day. He made me feel that I live in a toxic, I couldn't even breath, the only way I feel better to get out.

He acted like that, I told myself what was that? I did ask him why he was so nice to me when I am not home, but when I am home, He become a monster. He said because he feel very infamy. he couldn't hold it inside, so he had to pour on me.

When I went back to my own place, He would do anything to get me back by following me, call me at night said how much he misses me, show up at my work, and I think if I ask him to kneel down in public to say sorry to me (which I never did) I think he would.

For two years, he still hold the appartment that we lived before all by himself (the contract for this appartment had been expire, he pays month by month). I told him to move out to get a studio, or rent a room it is cheapter, but he still keep hoping that I will come back to him by keeping that appartment.

I am ready to move on, but it makes me feel really hard when he tries to pull me back.

Any body is in my situation or have experience, please give me more and honest advices. I greatly apprecite it.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2010 at 3:40AM
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Follow your gut feeling. Nature gave us instincts for a reason.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2010 at 12:45AM
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For some reason, many women seem to feel like if he is being nice now, we have to give him another chance.
Like that is somehow the only fair thing to do, and like if we don't do it, we aren't being fair. I get that.
And it kept me in a dead relationship with an emotionally abusive man for TEN years!
On some level, I knew he wasn't a good person, and that therefore, the marriage would never be good for long.
But still, I had this feeling that is he was being nice now, that I had to give him another chance.
I learned that lesson the hard way, and sadly, I was a bit of a slow learner in that regard...

The fact is, you don't have to give him another chance!
And it's not unfair of you to say 'No' -- ever.
It's not in any way unfair of you to say 'No!' right now -- without another second chance. (How many has he already had? - be honest)

Even if he is being nice now, you know he won't be nice for long
because the feelings that are inside him that lead him to abuse you in the past are still there,
and they will lead him to abuse you in the future again and again and again.
And when he does abuse you again, he will throw your affair in your face and tell you that it's your fault he feels that way,
which means it's your fault that he's so angry that 'he has to' abuse you,
so because it's all your fault, you're just getting what you deserve...

Until you leave and he can't live without you again
and starts acting nice for a little while...

How long do you want to live on that hamster-wheel?
How many times do you want to go through the abuse - move out - apologize - move in - abuse cycle?

You're out now. Stay out!
Win the war now.
The longer you stay in an abusive relationship (because that is what you have), the more damage will be done to you --
to your spirit, your soul, your confidence and self-esteem,
to your mental health certainly,
and very possibly also to your body and physical health.
You're the youngest, prettiest, healthiest and strongest you will ever be.
Your chances for a healthy, happy future with a genuinely good man are -- right now -- the best they will ever be.

Win the war now.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2010 at 5:05PM
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I have been in your shoes. There is no going back. He won't allow it to be the way it was because he cannot get over the feelings he has. He is just going to keep using them to make you miserable. I hate to point this out, but you had an affair. You say there were no excuses and there aren't, but you were missing something in your relationship that you looked for somewhere else. If, as you say, the feelings are gone- then move on and move away. Nothing can take you back in time to the way it was. Your guilt over what happened will not be solved by putting up with his abuse. It is time for you to make your mind up, get some counseling and move on. Don't allow him to lure you back in for more abuse, it will not go away. As long as he thinks you will come back for more, there will always be more. Good luck.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2010 at 12:36AM
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thank you for your replying peanutmom and sweeby. I am wondering where do you get the strength to win this war? I can not talk to my parents because they didn't approve my matrimony. I knew they will lecture me instead of giving advices. My brothers and sisters,uncle are not in my situation, they will not understand, and I am sure they wouldn't give me any advices but will talk about it, and I hate to be a tittle for them to talk.

Lately, I've been keeping the distance from my husband.

recently, I move to a new place. Last Thursday, I was so sad, I went to a friend house, I stayed there a little late. the place where I just move to is very safety, they close all gates at a certain hour at night. except the main gate. I don't know how to get to the main gate to get home. so, I have no choice, I went back to my husband place stayed there for one night. He was so happy and thought I am volunteer to go back home. Next day he made the room so clean and washed all the dirty clothes.

I feel so bad that I give him hope. Now he is very excited and look forward for me to come back at the end of this month. and he is very dearly. I feel that he is going to do anything and everything to get me back and to keep the family. Please help me where to get the strength to move forward (not come back to him) without looking back with all stuffs that he says he going to do that I have been wishing for my life. thank you!

    Bookmark   June 21, 2010 at 3:32AM
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That was foolish. You should have returned to the friend's or found a motel. Now you've got things all stirred up again. And you, yourself, are confused....again.

Make up your mind. Nobody can do that for you.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2010 at 10:32AM
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I agree with asolo. Very foolish of you. You said you had no choice - of course you did. You could've gone back to your friend's, you could've gotten a motel, or thought of something else. Instead you chose to go to your husgand's place. You had a choice and you made your choice.

Did you sleep with him?

    Bookmark   June 21, 2010 at 1:45PM
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makes no sense, why did you come back to him? why not staying at friends or family? and what do you mean you couldn't find main gate? did you walk around looking for a gate? how hard could that be? I don't get it.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2010 at 1:52PM
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It is very good to know, that now you are back to your husband. Now keep growing your relation and deep filling the gap in your relation. I think else where from your house, you can not get great joys of life.
Good luck

    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 1:36AM
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thank you for every one her to give me advises, guess what, i did came back to my husband for a month in July, and move at at the end of July, and after that completly cut him off not answer the phone or email.

He is begging me to come back, he try to find me a job at his company, he cut half of his paycheck to deposit in my account, the second time he give me the check to me in person. (He looked really bad, and was in the depression)

None of his actions make me to come back, he told me that he doesn't want me to come back, but please help him when he feel so down. He just want to have someone to talk you so he can pass through the depression stage. (he doesn't have friends or his parents pass away, his relatives are very distance from him)I am the only person can help him.

So I start pick up the phone, guess what he keep hoping I will come back to him and he call me every day. every time I told him I don't want to come back to him. He is colaped, and thinking about quiting his job, because he couldnt eat or fuctions. now as a day, finding a job is very difficult as you know. I am so worry about him for quitting the job.

I am very frustraighted, and want to screaming on the phone for calling me and keep hoping that I am coming back, but I can't. I just want him to feel ok to keep the job.

Now I feel so guilty of leaving him and lead him to the depression and might quiting the job. I just want him to be fine, happy before I leave.

I feel disfuction, depress, unhappy to live with him

sweeby and peanutmom, you were in my shoe, how can I get rid of this guilt and make him feel fine to handle the job befor I leave

because of this feeling guilt, I feel like I stand in the cross secsion of a street, and don't know which way to turn to. please help.

ps. today, He said he's going to deposit more money to my account so I don't have to worry about money. I keep silence (inside of me, I want to scream that I don't want it (because he's going to keep hope that i am coming back), I don't want him to be sad, so I keep silence)

    Bookmark   August 29, 2010 at 2:34AM
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Woan, you are not responsible for your husband's happiness. Only he can decide if he wants to be happy or not. If he wants someone to talk to to "pass through the depression stage" he would be far better off to talk with a qualified counsellor who would not only have some strategies to suggest to him to help him cope, but also the counsellor would not be YOU.
Clearly contact with you only inflames the situation for your husband, as he cannot understand that because you talk to him you are not going to come back to him. You need to cut off from him entirely and not keep fanning the flames by contacting him. Your experience has shown it does not work.
Close your bank account and open another he does not know about so he can't use the tie of money. Return what he has sent by bank cheque, he can cash it or not as he pleases. Screen your ohone calls and don't answer his, or get an unlisted number.
If you are serious about not going back to him, get right out of his life.
If your husband chooses to fall apart that's his choice, you aren't making him choose that particular way to react.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2010 at 6:17AM
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" can I get rid of this guilt and make him feel fine to handle the job befor I leave.

You can't do either one. You handle yours. He handles his. That's it.

"...because of this feeling guilt, I feel like I stand in the cross secsion of a street, and don't know which way to turn to. please help."

"Guilt"? If you've done something wrong, that's what it's for. I don't think that's the right word for what you've described. I think you're describing cognitive dissonance. You've made a decision that you wish you didn't have to make. It involves change and stress. All decisions do. Now, your second-guessing the decision. That's what you're feeling. Decisions are like that. You make them and act. Move ahead and leave the past behind.

"ps. today, He said he's going to deposit more money to my account so I don't have to worry about money."

Yes, you will have to worry about money....because you shouldn't be accepting his. By doing so, you're fooling yourself and jerking him around. Acceptance of a gift implies acceptance of the giver. If you've got money troubles and can't handle your life without his money to help you, fess up and acknowledge the situation. If you need to be free of him, get free of him. Don't expect to be "free" and still take his money. Bad news for both of you that way.

    Bookmark   August 29, 2010 at 1:14PM
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Have you read "Controlling, Narcissistic, Demeaning Husband" - very similar situation.

Guilt is such a useful tool! Parents use it to control their kids, kids use it to control their parents. Spouses of both sexes use it, advertising uses it, and religion probably invented it. "All" you have to do is stop buying this because as long as you play the game, you are still going to be unhappy.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2010 at 1:33AM
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Yo, Scarlett2001....didn't think ya had in in ya. Bravo! Very impressed.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2010 at 8:21PM
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You know what he's like and what being married to him is like.

He hasn't changed --
which means your marriage wouldn't change --
which means if you go back, you will be miserable.

Stop the pain.
End the relationship.

If you haven't seen a lawyer yet, do that now. First thing tomorrow morning, find yourself a lawyer and make an appointment. Get the ball rolling on a separation and divorce. End the marriage.

No - It's not easy. But you KNOW what you have to do.
Ask yourself why you're even considering giving him another chance -- It's all guilt, right? Feeling like somehow you have to? Not because you genuinely believe anything will be different. (It won't be - for long.)

You've already done the hardest part -- leaving.
Now just make it stick.
Turn off your heart.
Don't listen to his crying, begging or pleading.
It's manipulation and self-pity.
Don't let him guilt you into acting like his therapist. That's not good for anyone.
Tell him you wish him well and hope he can pull himself together because that's what you are going to do. And to get yourself and your life back together, you are not going to continue to talk to him. The cry-sessions are over and you won't be continuing them any more. (Hanging up the phone is VERY empowering. I highly recommend it.)

And don't be too sure about your family.
Could be that if you admit they were right and you were wrong to marry him, that they will agree to skip the lectures and just help you through the hard parts. Could happen... If you tell them what you need from them ("No lectures, please. Just help me stay strong and get back on my feet") they may surprise you. And if it doesn't work -- well, you're avoiding them anyway.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2010 at 10:20PM
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So! You've been underestimating me??? I'm little but I'm

    Bookmark   September 3, 2010 at 9:34PM
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