I'm so unhappy with my marriage/life...need advice.

Dks27June 12, 2011

I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for the last 4 years. During the first year of our marriage we had moved to another city. With a different atmosphere and different pressures with new jobs we drifted so far apart. He became so occupied with new friends, spending almost every evening gone out with them, i felt deserted. Spending all my time alone i became very resentful.

As time went by i met this man at my then workplace. He gave me constant attention. I had told him that i was a married woman. He had said to bad but still continued to pay attention to me anyways. I had loved every minute of it. Not only was i feeling like a diserable woman i didn't feel lonely anymore. It didn't take long before we ended up having an affair. It lasted for two years. I feel so deeply in love with him. My husband didn't notice anything amiss. Then my affair ended. He told me it was over. I was completely devastated. I had wanted to be with this man. Even ready to end my marriage. I felt extreme depression for months. But i kept telling myself that if i were meant to be with him we would not have ended. Of course i felt extreme guilt over the affair. I had contemplated telling my husband so many times. But i just couldn't bring myself to do it. So i tried to make the best of things. Of course ignoring problems won't make them go away but i didn't know what else to do. Then i had lost my job and felt so low. I went job searching and soon found a new one. I wasn't there very long before i had made friends and things were looking up. Me and hubby still didn't spend much time together and sex is almost non existent in our marriage but i was starting to feel a little better about myself. Only a couple of months into my new job and i became very ill. I was constantly sick and spending way too much time in my dr office. After many failed medications and blood tests, i was told that i had contracted a bad staph infection. I was so scared. I kept getting medications and was being told that this should do the trick. Nothing cleared it up and i kept getting sicker.

I was then told that i had mrsa. After researching mrsa i felt heart sick. i was never getting any better. I had to give up my job. So being stuck at home sick and in a rocky marriage only adds to my depression. Hubby still lives his life so care free. I've wished so many times i could walk away, but now i feel...where do i go? what can i do? I can't even work anymore. I feel stuck in a rut. So many emotions overwhelm me. I always feel so angry, depressed, lonely, and hopeless. Always so unsure of what to do. Need advice.

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mkroopy

I know this won't go over well, but it serves you right for cheating on your husband. I hope my ex goes thru the same stuff....she did pretty much the same to me a few years back...not one affair but two, before I wised up and pulled the plug on the marriage. Now my kids have to be raised living with me 50% of the time, her 50% of the time...not the childhood that I had in mind.

BTW I think guys that cheat on their wives are scumbags too, works both ways.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2011 at 5:20PM
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popi_gw

I can't help but feel that your description of your life, so far, sounds like a mills and boon novel.

Doesn't sound like you have had a marriage for years. What is the point of staying together when your hubbie goes out and does things with his friends all the time. No wonder you had an affair.

Well what do you do now...your health should be your priority at this point. Go to another doctor, a counsellor, and get some new ideas. When you are feeling better, you might find that you have clarity in thinking and will know what you should do.

Your marriage does not sound very happy, does it ? I hope you don't have any children, do you ?

    Bookmark   June 13, 2011 at 11:48PM
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Dks27

@ mkroopy...i'm sorry that your wife had cheated on you. But if you seriously think that i deserve to be sick with an illness for the rest of my life because i had an affair then you are deeply disturbed. I know i don't derserve to be sick. And i certainly hope your wife never falls victim to this illness either no matter what she did. If you have such negative feelings make no wonder she had affairs. And i don't think i'm a scumbag. I'm not excusing my affair, it's something i'm not proud of.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 12:17AM
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Dks27

@ popi....i have consulted with a few different drs. I get the same feedback from them. I'm in between an outbreak right now. I'm hoping i will still this way for awhile. Hubby supports me with my illness...hes so good like that. And he also supports me financially now and gives me any material thing i could want. I'm a very lucky woamn in that regard. I just feel so lonely. He cheated too before we got married. i forgave him. I truly do want to work things out with this man. I love him. Everything is not always perfect right? we all make mistakes.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 1:02AM
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popi_gw

He supports you with your illness.

He supports you financially.

Those are good things in your favour.

Sure everything is not always perfect. You love him...have you had a heart to heart with him ? Have you said how lonely you feel ?

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 3:30AM
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Dks27

@ popi....I completely agree that i have good things there. I do consider him my best friend. I have had heart to heart with him but he don't like to talk about this stuff. He will ignore what i'm saying or go to our bedroom and lay down and falls asleep. I've been thinking about this so much. And even though i hates to see him go out with friends all the time, i can't see myself without him. I guess we all need to vent when we are frustrated. I'm frustrated with myself. Poor guy puts up with me lol. I'm still lonely but i don't have it that bad. Thanks for listening and your advice :)

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 5:01AM
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mkroopy

"And i don't think i'm a scumbag. I'm not excusing my affair, it's something i'm not proud of."

That's all cheap talk...to make yourself feel better. I've heard it all firsthand....then 3 yrs later she did it again. Then said the same things again....whatever.

I am sorry about your medical condition....but I don't think you came here for advice as much as for others to validate that what you did was somewhat justified. Seeking advice for online lunatics (such as myself...lol!) is not really the best of ideas you know.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 1:18PM
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asolo

"Seeking advice for online lunatics (such as myself...lol!) is not really the best of ideas you know."

I dunno....seems like a viable an alternative as many others....spill your guts anonymously to strangers and see if anything worth considering comes out of it. Even responses to trolls may have some good ideas for others within them. What's to lose?

Dks27....

"I always feel so angry, depressed, lonely, and hopeless."

With respect, these are your issues -- not your husband's or anybody else's. If you're resentful because your husband doesn't fix them for you, you're making a mistake. Being jealous because your husband -- and/or the rest of the world -- seems to be going on without you gets you nowhere. And certainly doesn't make him -- or anybody else -- want to be around you. Don't know how may choose to deal with it but inasmuch as your life has changed, you only have to choices: wallow in it or break out of it. From what you've written, I think the changes needed must start with you.

Counselors can be good for this. Your life has changed. Your mind needs to. Get some new perspectives. If your husband is ignorant of the affair, don't tell him. Suck it up and move along from where you are.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 1:55PM
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MissyJo

Dks27

Finding a positive outlet for yourself can be very helpful. Find a common interest with Husband, or find a solo pursuit that makes you happy. Even if it is as simple as going out for a walk if you are physically able, birdwatching, photography, exercise, find a class and take something you have never tried... You might surprise yourself. Does not have to be expensive. Maybe you will even make new friends while you are at it.
You stated that when you found friends things were looking up. It does sound like you are satisfied with many aspects of your marriage - but you feel your marriage is "rocky". Express to your husband that you would like to do something with him, that you would enjoy spending time with him. If you don't put it the negative way (you are always out with your friends) maybe he will be more responsive to your request. Make it about wanting to be with him.

Side Note* The anonymous strangers giving advice here have their own "baggage". This influences how we respond. Just sayin'

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 5:03PM
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asolo

Baggage? Us?

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 6:08PM
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popi_gw

I think it is a good idea to do some things that make you more content, go to a meditation course, take up gardening etc etc...something artistic.. You will become a more interesting person and therefore more content. Volunteer work is always good for changing ones thoughts from "self" to others.

Ask yourself "am I blaming him for my unhappiness?", because, in my opinion..we can't expect other people to make us happy. Happiness comes from within.

How exactly do you talk to him about how you are feeling ? Do you say something like "I am feeling very lonely"...or do you say "what you do makes me feel lonely". Always say the "I am feeling blah blah.."

Just a few pearls for you to ponder.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2011 at 7:24PM
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Dks27

@ mkroopy.....No i'm not trying to justify it. It happened and i can't take it back. And i like the advice here even from lunatics lol.

@ asolo.... I really appreaciate your advice. I realize now that i'm unhappy because of me..not him. I'm really trying to break free...and not go in under. I just have bad days sometimes.
And i'm not gonna mention anything about the affair wether thats right or wrong thats the choice i made.

@ missyjo....i think i do have to concentrate more on making myself happy...I have found that i've become more moody since i have been confined home. I'm still missing my old life so much.

@ popi....i've been thinking of trying something new for awhile. I do get jealous seeing him out having fun. That use to be me. He told me tonite that hes taking me out for supper tomorrow night so i'm really looking forward to that :)

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 2:29AM
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asolo

A responsive OP! What a wonderful world!

Good on ya.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 11:56AM
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mkroopy

As for baggage, yep I have more than Kennedy Airport...but I carry it well I think.

And of course being cheated on 2X by a spouse I supported, and was 100% faithful to affects my opinions on some things. I would not be a human being if I remained completely "objective" after going through that.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2011 at 3:44PM
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popi_gw

Going out for din dins, that's wonderful. Have a nice time.

Things are looking up for you, stay happy and hopeful and get involved in life. Use your blessings as a way of helping others, no matter how down in the dumps you feel.

And gold star for you in your aswering poster's comments.

    Bookmark   June 16, 2011 at 1:39AM
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suzieque

Dks27, good for you. I wish you and your husband the very best. You've both been hit by this illness - you, especially, of course, but his life is impacted, too - and you will both need patience, understanding, and connection as you work through it.

And, there are so many "fly-bys" here (people who come in, drop a question, and never have the courtesy to respond to those who have commented, that your attention and courtesy are tribute you who you are as a person.

    Bookmark   June 16, 2011 at 10:50AM
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