menapause, sex, paranoia, tired.

tinylady1October 20, 2006

I am in post menapause and I have been feeling tired, depressed, not much desire to do anything, even sex.I do not sleep well due to sweats and bad back. I feel like sex takes too much energy.Even though I want it. My husband isnt very helpfull. He does not understand what I am feeling. Some days I am fine, and I feel like doing things , then another day I dont want to even look at what I need to do. I wonder if my depression and nondesire is due to not having sex, or meaninfull sex. He has sex, I am just there till he is done. I have gained weight and I do not feel sexy, and my hubby does not help me feel that way. I know he is taking care of business himself and that makes me feel mad. Like I want him to do someting for me but he does not like the fact that it takes me a while to get started. Then if we do have sex, it is over just as I am getting worked up.We went on vacation and never had sex the whole time. I feel even more upset that he does not care how I feel. All this is getting to me, I am finding that I do not trust him, I am checking up on him, his phone bill, what he has been watching when i am not home,videos, his computer. I feel like he is cheating on me. I work a full time job, clean the house, take of the lawn, cook the meals, and I am getting tired of him not seeing that I am tired.Oh he thanks me for all I do, OH WOW. We can not talk because he takes everyting as an insult. I even bought a book and he took that as an insult. I buy lubrications and he complains about that, one night he made the comment" hey old lady you are done, you are all dried up". That hurt.

Any way I am off to work, and i am still tired and fustrated. NO SEX, No comunication, no feeling like I am desired, or desireable.

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tinylady1 I think you should talk to a health care provider about all of this. You really sound like your frustrated and that is not the way to be.

You are desirable, you just at this point have forgotten what thats like and how that feels. Do you have somebody family friends...ect that you can talk to?

I am so sorry that your husband said those hurtfull remarks to you about being an old lady,taking awhile to start and needing lubricant does not make you any less a woman..and really hope your fears of him cheating are just that...unwarranted fears....I don't know if this helps but take care....

    Bookmark   October 21, 2006 at 6:28PM
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I agree with chickeemama, talk to your health care provider. Not to denigrate your feelings, but believe it or not, there are herbs and/or western meds that can change your whole outlook on life.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2006 at 6:40PM
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oh tinylady1... your life is my life... except I didn't get the vacation... and I DON'T mow the lawn.... oh yes, and I have 3 children ages 14,11 and 7 to throw into the mix! I'm always tired, feel totally unappreciated, sexless, not interested in much of anything, I go through the same motions day after day after day, with no end in sight and little to no variation from week to week... except in the children's schedules!

If you find some magic remedy... please post it!

    Bookmark   October 25, 2006 at 7:46PM
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Plumbly... do you DEMAND time to yourself? tinylady's problems sound like physical problems related to menopause, YOURS sound like you need to take some time to yourself and spoil yourself! This is really funny, because my hair dresser was just saying this to me yesterday... women with families NEED to recharge their batteries... they get so involved with giving that they don't realize that to give, you have to have something to give. You don't need to be self centered, but you DO need to treat yourself as a human being with needs. It's a hard thing for some women to learn, to change gears, stop the giving, do some TAKING, then go back to giving. If I were you, I'd figure out something that you'd like to do for yourself... a bit of gardening, a spa treatment, a haircut, a massage... whatever turns you on, and just DO it! I have found in my medium life that no one will give you something unless you demand it or give it to yourself. It may be hard thing to learn, but you will be happier in the long run.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2006 at 11:16AM
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Um heathen... not for nothing, but time to myself is not the answer to the problem here.. trust me it's all menopausal and husband related... When I sadi tinelady's life sounded like mine I meant it.. tiny lady said she's depressed... I'm diagnoised depressed... she's tired... I'm forever tired... she has not much desrie to do anything, even sex... I can't recall the last time sex interested me, or much else interested me for that matter, she doesn't sleep well due to sweats and a bad back... I have insomnia and night sweats... She states sex takes energy, even though she wants it... well we differ there... sex does take energy I don't have and I don't want to use... sex in my house is ALL about my husband... Tinylady says her husband isn't helpful and doesn't understand... Mine makes no effort to attempt to understand or acknowledge anything is going ong with my body... Tiny lady says some days she feels like doing things and other days she doesn't wnat to look at what need to get done... oh I can SO relate to that. Tinylady has gained weight... well welcom to middle age, so have I and so has my husband... although while he points mine out he doesn't acknowledge his gain. Tinylady is upset her husband doesn't care about how she's feeling... mine barely acknowledgizes my existance. She doesn't trust her husband and checks up on him... Gee... I felt the same way and then caught the fool in a relationship.... Tinylady works a full time job... I work a part time job plus take care of three children 8, 11, and 14... I am just shy of 50, so trust me it's menopause... it's not just motherhood taking it's toll... I've been through those years... I came through them alright, tired, but alright... Tinylday can't talk with her husband because he takes everything as an insult... I fully understand this comment... I walk on egg shells just waiting for him to blow over something I said, not having any clue it would set him off. He can joke and jest all he wants but boy, I best not attempt to do anything like that, everything I say is taken as a jab of putdown... he can twist the most inoculous words around.
Time for myself is not going to solve our problems... We're in counselling, I'm on meds, and still this emptiness and desirelessness exists in me... It's as though the body just wants to lay down sand give out for a long long rest...

    Bookmark   October 29, 2006 at 6:26PM
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oh okay... I focussed on the last sentence that you wrote on your last post " go through the same motions day after day after day, with no end in sight and little to no variation from week to week... except in the children's schedules!" I thought... hmm, the woman needs a vacation. :D

Are you going to stay with your husband? Sounds like hell to me! I mean, problems with someone who cares is bad enough, but problems with someone who doesn't... seems intolerable! My heart goes out to you! Don't let him intimidate you... they use that as a weapon. Good luck.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2006 at 12:03AM
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Oh thanks Plumbly22, I thought I was alone in this. I really liked reading your letter. I dont feel like a weirdo now. I also know what it is like to feel like you are walking on eggshells with dear hubby. We started our kitchen over a year ago. That started everyting falling down. If I said a word about anything he would rip my heart out by saying things that hurt. Like you dont know what the f--k you are talking about. He would just stand there and scream at me. Then I would just loose it, I really thought I would loose my mind then. So that did but a bad dent in our marriage and he acts like it never happened and all is so sweet now. But i cant forget it, I spent to many nights crying and days at work crying. I will still wake up and start thinking about how our marraige has become like we are just two people living in the same house and start crying, we do not talk about us, sex, our feelings, nothing but work or family. He does not see it, Hec his life is good. he goes to work, comes home, dinner is done, out side work is done, laundry is done, dishes are done, house clean, what more could he want. oh yeh Andby the way I am still waiting for the Kitchen to be complete, still need shelves in bottom cabinets.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2006 at 8:48AM
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Tinylady... I have yet to come up with any great solution... we live our own lives and when they intersect I never know if he's going to be pleasant ro hostile... it's now starting to effect the children, whch is a realy problem for me... sometimes I thnk he doesn things to annoy them as a way to get at me, does that make any sense to you? I've gotten to the pint where I try very hard not to explode at him and just try to stay very calm or else ignore what he's doing to set me off (I'm assuminghe's trying t set me off as I can't believe he's really stupid enough to do some of the annoying things he does accidently)... anyway, I think when he's not getting a rise out of me he then switches to the kids tbecause he knows that will set me off at him...

Counselling is beginning to touch on things that cause the counselors eyebrows to raise and ask him thinkgs like do you really do/say that? do you think that's beneficial? do you think this might be offensive to your wife? I'm not sure he's acceptig these comments... I thnk he feels like the counselor is ganging up on him with me... (not that that isn't what he deserves in some cases) but I think he's at least now got a neutral third party questioning him... he doesn't like that... Not that I'm lilly clean in all our problems, but I'm the "resultant" of his actions...

Does any of this make sense to you... It reads like rambling, but I understand what I'm saying... I don't know if it helps ou any but you are not alone in this... and from what I can tell from some of my friends... it's probbly more common than you'd first believe... now if we can only figure out a way to get some help/relief...

    Bookmark   November 9, 2006 at 9:14PM
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Yes I do understand all that you are saying. I cant say anyting that he does not make a nasty comment on it or holler at me. When we have to go somewhere and he has to get dressed in good clothes. Now all the clothes he has now I have purchased or my son got them for him. He starts complaining about how they fit they do not fit him right , I wish you wouldnt buy me clothes, you do not know how to buy them, these are a piece of crap, I do not need a woman dressing me. We went out the other night to a black tie afair for my company, I went to straighten his hanky, he said get off of me I do not need you dressing me. Now I sell men's clothes for a living.
I have to dress men all day and I must say I have no complaints of my choices from them.
I have gotten to the point that I just do not talk to him. I do nto make comment on anything.Everyting becomes an argument. He hugs me and says I love you, I want to say, you have no idea what love is. I refuse to buy him anything. Everyting someone buys him he complains about. Even on xmas morning. I told him he was a spoiled brat and was ungratefull. He said well you were raised in poverty and it shows. I think he meant from my being cheap. But I tell him look around at where you are living now. When we met you were in an apartment with used furniture from your parents, an old beat up car at the age of 46. He blamed it on his paying child support. Wrong, he made enough to cover that and have something. But he choose not to.Now after he married me, he moved into my house,which he is helping to fix up,after saying what a piece of crap I bought but at least I had something .He has a new truck,we bought a cruising bike for him this summer, a nice yard that I do the work in, we bought new living room furniture. I am the one that has the old truck, that needs work.Our bedroom furniture is what he bought with his ex fiance many years ago. HIs own mother says I am the best thing that ever happened to him, so does his kids. BUt he makes me feel like I am not and that I am stupid. I have been hollered at for ever move I make. Now i am afraid to make choices on things thinking I will make a mistake and he will not like it. Even thought before we met I made choices and did things in my home.
If he had showed me this side of him before we married I would never had married him.It will be 4 years in march. And I regret doing it now. I was happier when I was single and my boys lived here. We laughed and had fun. Even if it was raking leaves. Fun is not what I know now. Now all I know is complaining.
I wish you were close to me, I do not have friends here, all I know are who I met thoguh him and the girls I work with.I have told them alot and cried on their shoulders. You would have been proud of them the other night when they talked to DH. They were good I just stood their and looked at them, thinking what are you But DH was happy, he was impressed that I said such good things about
Thanks, I need to vent on these things. I just want to be Happy again.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2006 at 8:36AM
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tinylady are u still visiting this forum i hope so wow you sound so unhappy sweetie i wish i could be there to give u a big hug get rid of this nightmare husband u have you would be much happier without the male pig he is a total b----rd and u obviously dont need him you sound as tho u was doing fine b4 he came along let him go girl i couldnt imagine my life with a loser like that i feel for u i really do but at the end of the day no amount of councelling is gona change that pig

    Bookmark   July 9, 2009 at 7:22AM
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my wife decided after 34 years to go off with another man.She said all thoes things about me you ladies have said about your husbands.marriage is a two way street and the more off you are(menopause)with your hubb. the more he will fight back and things get said that are not ment.
If you have been married a long time you must love each other or once did. Get back to that place.Go out for walks(alone)do the things you used to do,show each other respect and affection but most of all TALK TALK TALK.Sit down with him alone and talk 100% from the heart how you feel but you do love him but could he try and be more understanding.YOU MUST TALK (COMUNICATE)Men wont admit it but they do have feelings as well.Tell him how you would like to be treated and loved.
Good Luck.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2011 at 1:45PM
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