Who here has the right to feel insecure ?

turkeytrottJune 6, 2009

So I am the OP of "No trust left !!! 36 more days...hope they go fast !" The wedding happened last weekend and it was beautiful and hubby and I were on our best behaviour.

I knew what I had to do after the wedding of our eldest daughter, not that it wouldn't hurt but knew he wanted to be free and I could not keep feeling emotionally beaten. Before we had our discussion however he was on his account with the fake ex that I had created and told her we are breaking up telling our kids this week puting the house on the market shortly etc, of course he hadn't said 1 word to me. Although he did not ask her back or anything like that he did give her his email and work phone number. As well as said he may move back to the province that she lives in which is 24 hours by car and boat min. So of course I decided on thursday to tell him our marriage is done and that I was the pretend ex unfortunately his niece and sister decided to share this with him prior to that. So of course now according to him he knew it all along...funny he sent the fake ex a warning that I supposedly was pretending to be him on facebook they had gotten the story a little confused. Anyway I truly feel my husband is suffering from depression or something but at this point of course he says I don't need help but yet he feels that I only work 3 days a week and therefore I may have been with someone,these insecurities started 20 months ago as this isn't the first time anything has been said. The problem for me is that I am not entitled to feel insecure about the ex but he is entitled to feel insecure over nothing and no one. I am sure I will go to my grave still loving and wanting this man he has been the only man I ever loved, but I have to move on. If he had of gotten help 20 months ago when all this started then maybe we would not be at the end of our marriage. Can anyone tell me why he thinks it ok somehow for him to be insecure with no reason whatsoever but not me ? By the way he has told me I can have everything which is not the way I want things done although if there was a way I could keep the house I would I love our home and really wished I could afford it at least til my youngest son moves out but he is only 14 and it is way to expensive between the mortgage, hydro and insurance.

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You will have regrets, for sure. Especially if you go to counseling and discover you were part of this problem. That will be hard to live with -

Your passive aggressive behaviors are just one piece of this. Games, games, games - always played by two. I'm alarmed how you are pointing fingers and not taking responsibility for your part -

Predictably you'll leave him and find yourself in another mess, and you'll blame him until the end of your days. It's sad, really -

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 12:13PM
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I am aware that I have a part in our problems but are you really telling me that you would be ok with your husband (unsure if you have 1 as you haven't said ) adding an ex fiance to facebook without caring if it would hurt your feelings? And when asked was told well I didn't want to hurt her feelings am I not entitled to my feelings ? I at least can walk away from this relationship knowing I never once cheated or thought about it nor did I ever put a past ex before my husband. When we had our daughter he wanted to give her his ex's middle name and told me for years that if she gave him another chance he would leave, yes this was all many years ago but the hurt remains as I have always felt that I was his second choice so please forgive me for feeling so hurt by all of this. I will not find myself in this kind of mess again as I will not choose a man that never got over his ex.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 12:42PM
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I hear that you are hurting. I suppose I'm comfortable sharing something about myself, since you asked. About two months ago, my husband shared with me that his ex fiancee had contacted him via facebook. He told me what she wrote and then told me what he'd written back. ! I was "not" okay with the fact that he had written her back, and said as much. This was a two hour discussion, stop and go. I was clear internally and externally how I felt about it, and also what I thought about it. He didn't agree with what I thought, but could NOT argue how I felt, because my feelings are my own, as are his.

I wanted to know more about what he wanted from this exchange, and learned that he is curious about her and didn't want to be rude by not responding. Makes sense.

My take was, this facebook business is so new to our society that we have not had the experience or time on our sides to put up boundaries around what is healthy and what is not. Now, if the same woman were to drive into town, look up our address, and walk into our house yelling "Hey there, what's up???" ....we all would clearly say, "Not appropriate." There are RULES for propriety, such as you must KNOCK, and if you werent' born in a barn you would know you should probably call first to see if it would be an intrusion.

This facebook stuff is a mess. It creates all sorts of havoc, and most people don't see it when it's happening. After the two hours of discussion, I made it clear to my husband that it was anxious making for me for the two of them to continue exchanging messages, and gave the comparison of the person coming in the house, and he then agreed to stop communication with her. My part is to trust it and continue to be in tune with our relationship. Beyond that, I would be controlling and manipulative, and I choose not to live that lifestyle.

Very small, insignificant story, but if you knew all of my story you would know that YES i know what it feels like to be betrayed, and YES I know what it takes to repair that. It is a long, humbling road, and many choose not to take it, and I understand why. However, there is a tremendous amount of self awareness that comes from being willing to look inward and to stop the defenses of blame, control, manipulation, and passive aggressive entrapment game playing.

You could do it if you chose to - i'm here to tell you it is an option, and a good one at that. It sounds like you are saying, "I don't have any choice but this." That is not true - to paint yourself into such a box will give you an identity of "victim" for the rest of your life until you can start to challenge it. It takes guts, and it takes all you've got to lay aside those defense mechanisms.

I've said this before and I'll say it again - I'm sorry you are hurting.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 1:17PM
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TT - Amyfiddler said it well, and kindly.
I'm also sorry for your pain. But it is the logical and predictable consequence of your own choices and actions.

When your husband does something that hurts you, instead of opening yourself to him and telling him honestly how you feel (and thereby giving him the chance to apologize and make things better), you've consistently reacted by getting hysterical, then angry and hurting him back. To which, he responds by shutting himself off, getting angry, looking elsewhere or hurting you back. Then you respond with more of the same drama. After all these years, you've each hurt each other so many times, and each behaved so badly -- Of course it has to end! And yet you still proclaim undying love and seem to consider yourself the innocent victim of fate.

You proclaim that you've never ever been unfaithful. Is that the only marital yardstick that has any merit? Does that make everything else OK? (aparently not) You don't trust him, so you breach the marital trust by entrapping him yourself -- then blame him for getting angry when his trust has been violated. You two have been swiping at each other and just counting the days until you could leave each other without wrecking your DD's wedding. Bet the last few months have been delightful for all... And yet you claim the moral high road and proclaim undying love.

I'm sorry Turkey, but you don't know to love.

Love isn't just what you feel -- it's what you do. If you want to nurture love, it requires patience, kindness, charity and trust. You give these freely to the one you love, and trust that he will give them back to you. On those occasions when you fall short, you apologize and try to do better. When he falls short, you gently explain your feelings, ask for what you need, and forgive. You don't play games against each other -- ever -- because you are one team, and YOU can't win if he loses.

Like Amy, I'm also sorry you're hurting.
But please try to learn from this and change your ways.
It's the only way you'll find happiness.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 2:57PM
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Well you both are entitled to how you feel. If you had of read the one named I think Facebook Issue what is your opinion in there it says that I believed my hubby added her and when I found out that I was wrong that she had actually added him I did apologize and told him again how it hurt that he still felt she needed to remain on his. Therefore had he deleted her at that point (put my feelings first)I am sure that we would not of had any of this other nonsense go on, unfortunately because he chose to keep her on it I felt uncomfortable as I felt he put her feelings first. Then he deleted facebook altogether, only to create a new one stating no marital status as well as living 3 hours away and this time he added her, so maybe this is not how you would do things in your life but at this point he was well aware how I felt and chose to make me feel that he needed to be able to communicate with her for some reason. But without honesty as his new account more or less stated we were apart. Do I believe I did the right thing here NO but I needed to know just how willing he was to go and not care how it would affect me. And yes I do believe being faithful in todays world is a very important thing. And I have told him how I feel over and over and over about any issue that has ever arose in our marriage unfortunately he does not share any feelings with me he may tell me what I do wrong (and yes I do, do wrong and admit to it )but never ever says how it makes him feel and as for you thinking I don't know love how did we survive all the wonderful years that we have had. There is alot of things that I do trust about my husband but I am still entitled to feel insecure when he is not acting in the manner that has been his way for years. Insecurity is also a feeling and he could have chosen to reassure me that it is nothing even agreed to only write on each others wall anything to find some middle ground that would make me more comfortable with it all..he chose not to. I am aware we are both hurting and really a wonderful talk may have been just what we needed and I would have loved to do that but unlike amy's hubby mine doesn't do the talk thing. By the way even though I apologized for thinking originally that he had added her he has still thrown it in my face quite a few times and each time I remind him that yes I was wrong and did I not apologize for it and he does admit that I did. Also sorry 20 months I think I have been patient.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 4:37PM
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Facebook is a two way street. You can only add someone who wants to be added. Adding someone is only by invitation.Maybe she "found" him but he accepted her as a "friend". If you really set up his Facebook account you should know this. So the facebook thing is a non issue.

I agree with Sweeby. You need some serious help. Your self-destructive passive/aggressive behavior is eating you up and contributing greatly to the destruction of your marriage.

That said I wish you all the best. Get some counseling for yourself. You need to fix yourself before you can fix you marriage if there's anything left to fix.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 5:31PM
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I'm certainly not saying this is all your fault, TT. Certainly your husband has done plenty wrong. Plenty. As the Facebook saga illustrates.

And I do agree with you about the importance of marital fidelity. It's love and trust and emotional intimacy that's really key with me -- the core, or foundation -- and a lapse in fidelity usually means those underlying qualities are shot first.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 5:46PM
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What else can I say other than hopefully SOMEONE out there is paying attention here, will see themselves in this, and realize how damaging passive aggressive behaviors are. Far, far more dangerous than anger.

We need to start learning how to talk to each other, be real with ourselves and with others, and learn how to function when things get difficult. The title of this post says it all - the RIGHT. As if there were such a thing. We have a right to feel whatever we feel - we NEVER have the right to act irresponsibly, immaturely, hurtfully, etc - in the long run, it hurts us more than anyone else. It stunts our growth and destroys relationships. We loose.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 8:29PM
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We lose. LOL.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 8:30PM
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It seems that you are on a losing streak. Seems like you want out but don't know how to go about it. I think facebook has got alot od people feeling the same way that you do. Mind you if there is nothing go on way do it bother you so much? You need to sit down a talk to you husband and figure things out. you keep saying that you think hes going through a mid life crisis or something to that affect. But maybe you are going through the same thing and just needs someone to blame.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 8:12PM
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Wow this is hard to follow, but if I understand it, you posed as his ex/an ex to catch him out?

If I recall the original post he kind of sort of started it, but I just have to say:

"Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive"

In other words, when we start to play these games, we debase ourselves, and lose what moral high ground we had, if that's at all important. There are lots of stories and parables about what happens when we play this sort of game, and they rarely turn out well.

Either way, whether you stay together or not, I suggest you both consider getting some talking therapy, it sounds as if you have a lot of issues to work through.

I'm not sure if 'waiting til after the wedding' solved anything or not, the son or daughter who got married might feel awful knowing you had this plan in place.

And if you have a 14yo it's a rough time for such an upheaval, it was around that age for my youngest that I split with my ex, and it caused a rift with her that's never been healed.

If you have to get out, you have to get out, I made the mistake in some ways of staying for years in a dysfunctional and toxic abusive marriage, which was irretrievable almost from day one. My kids and my own mental health would have been much better off if I had gotten out when they were very young, however in your case it sounds as if you marriage has/had some soundness to it, in which case you may want to consider trying to fix things.

As someone else said here, though about the 'right' to feel, there's no right or wrong, you feel what you feel for a variety of reasons.

You do not have the right to behave badly etc, but feelings are what they are.

    Bookmark   June 10, 2009 at 2:16PM
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i have been watching your plight for awhile now and i must say you do know how to spin a web.you say that you still love your husband of 19 years but it sounds to me that you have a distinct problem.you have said that you have used your power to SPY on your husband . you have set up a site to which he was unaware and began conversing with him undaer an assumed name....to TRAP him ....you set up a keystroke so that what ever he typed into the computer you instantly knew about it ........again to TRAP him .......

it appears to me that because of all the underhanded things that you done the trust factors have been lost never to be regained again ....because of your insecurities you have let a man that you say you have loved for the past 19 years pass through your fingers ..

take it from me i know what it feels like to be your husband because i was in a 13 year marriage when my husband began to do the exact same thing ......i havent figured why he did because he knew who i was with at any given time and where i was at any given time ....but he chose not to trust me . i was about 3 months unaware of what he was doing but when i found out ......i left i could not trust him again

you have to cut the ties ....let him go ....set him free because if you dont there will be 2 lives lost and you will never ever be able to be happy again ........JUST LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Bookmark   June 13, 2009 at 7:09PM
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