Another poor soul in need of advice...

loveisforeverMay 2, 2007

Hello everyone, I am new here. I will tell you a little about myself and my husband so that you might better understand my situation.

I am 20 years old. My husband is also 20. We were married in June 2006 after 4 years of dating. We met each other in high school. We both are going to college as full time students. My husband works two jobs as a pizza maker and a waiter. He has clearly stated to me that he wishes for me to stay at home and to not worry about working a job. So, while he is at work, I stay home and tidy up things. I don't go anywhere as we only have one car and he takes it to and from his jobs. Bills are not much of a problem as we were lucky to receive student financial aide for our schooling and have had enough money left over to cover our rent for both semesters we have been living here. School just completed today, so we will be receiving another bout of financial aide to cover our schooling and rent for our next school year. Basically, other than the stress of his working two different jobs, we are really living a wonderfully blessed, carefree life.

The problem remains as follows:

My husband is a young male with raging hormones. I am a young female who has hardly any sex drive at all. These two problems clash like clouds in a storm, creating much lightning and thunder.

I feel as if I am the one to blame. I am just simply not interested in sex and never really have been. I am on the pill, but have switched perscriptions to see if the different hormone balances might help me. My husband tries to be romantic to me; he brings me flowers for no reason at all, he plays soft piano music on our stero and invites me to dance with him, he takes me out to eat at nice resturaunts several times a month, he takes me to see movies at the way too high priced movie theater, he makes me laugh every single day without end. Basically, he is perfect to me.

I love him very, very much. He is my best friend and I think he is the most handsome man in the world. But I am just not interested in sex.

Many times, I think in the back of my mind that when we are out on a date, he is just trying to butter me up so that he can get to me when we get home. I try not to think of it that way, it's just not fair, I know. He might be trying to make the night a nice one, but in all honesty, he is just being a wonderful husband to me.

We will have a wonderful night out in town and I will be as happy as I could possibly be. But as soon as we step into our home, my mood drops. I immediately begin to dread his sweet advances. I want to love his advances and try to get into it, but I just can't seem to be able to.

I have tried to just jump right in and make myself enjoy sex, but I can't. One of my other problems is that I have never gotten "there" with him. And believe me, we've tried a lot of different ways to try to get me there, but it just does not work.

I'm at a loss here. I feel like I am letting my wonderful husband down. I have considered talking to a therapist, but thought I might seek advice on the Internet, first.

So please, help one more poor soul figure out what in the world is wrong! Thank you so much for your time!

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What is "wrong" is that you are totally mismatched...which is a significant issue. It's not a matter of blame. It's a matter of circumstance. People are different.

I must ask you, is it after four years of dating you've come to recognize this only now? If things are, in fact, as you've described you've both made a terrible mistake.

What's "wrong" is your mutual failure to acknowledge the fact of this difference.

You're young. Discuss this and acknowledge the facts. Decide whether or not you wish to live your lives like this. No need to place blame and/or assign fault over's just the way it is. But you both have your whole lives ahead of you. Is this your idea of "husband and wife"?

    Bookmark   May 2, 2007 at 9:51PM
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I wonder if you have had a good medical exam to determine whether you have any hormonal issues. And if that all checks out, have you tried to figure out if there could be a reason for your lack of interest in sex. Is it possible that you are reacting to harsh teaching when you were a child? Or even molestation? There are things that can cause a severe lack of interest in sex.

On the one hand I really applaud your obvious desire to reach some harmony with your husband. You seem to be a sweet, loving young lady and I really hope you can figure out a solution.

Counseling might help but you do need to be careful about choosing a counselor (and get a bit lucky, too).

You didn't say specifically but I am assuming that your husband is being very patient about all this - bless him! That bodes very well for a good outcome. If he can be understanding and you can be very open minded, there is definitely hope.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2007 at 10:00PM
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Do you think you may fear getting pregnant while you're both still in school? It sounds like you're a really sweet couple. I wish there was a book that really taught men and women how to get the most out of making love. I just wish you the best, hon. He sounds like a wonderful guy.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2007 at 11:35PM
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You sound like a darling couple to me. And even though sex is an important aspect in a marriage, remember it is not the only thing or the most important thing. You sound as if you have so much going for you as a couple.... more than most that are very sexual active do.

I too (as lindakimy suggested) think there may be something in your past that has caused a lack of sex drive. Were you abused? Or, you could be afraid of pregnancy. A 'low' sex drive would be one thing, but at your age, I really think there must be a reason for NO sex drive. I would talk to a counselor or a doctor. I believe there may be medicines for women that can help their sex drive. Is there a chance you are depressed or have anxiety problems?

And this is really not our business..but did you usually get there with other guys or by yourself? If so, what do you think the difference was? I'm not one that thinks there's only certainly people we can enjoy, etc...either you want to be with him or you don't and see him as a brother...And, unless your talking selfishness, (which it doesn't sound like here) I always thought 'getting there' usually had more to do with the circumstances your in, rather than the specific guy your with. So how are your circumstances different with this guy?

    Bookmark   May 3, 2007 at 9:27AM
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Sounds to me like you're thinking and worrying a lot about your low drive, and that whenever the occasion seems 'unavoidable', your conscious brain is kicking in and getting in the way. Before you get intimate, are you worrying about being put into the position where you'll 'have to' do it? When you're being intimate, are you actually thinking about how you aren't feeling it? In my experience, when your 'brain' is working, the rest of it isn't...

    Bookmark   May 3, 2007 at 10:42AM
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I'm going to respectfully disagree with the statement that you are a mismatch. There are too many questions here to assume that dreadful conclusion... I've been there, and I know that such things can be resolved.

Questions you don't have to answer out loud: Is there any point in your relationship where you have had a stronger sex drive? Have you ever initiated sex? Do you find yourself attracted to other people? Does anything get your libido going?

you mentioned that he works and wants (clearly) for you to stay home. Your mention of that preceeding stating the problem leads me to wonder what you believe or how you feel about that. Sometimes when we have the impression that someone else is going to do it all for us, it takes the responsibility off of us to "make" it happen, including your own pleasure. May seem odd, but it's true.

If your husband were to come to you and say, I'm not going to expect, want or initiate sex any more. It's all in your court now... My guess is that you would see him in a new light, you would no longer feel manipulated (He's not necessarily manipulating you now but you "feel" that way on your dates) and you would begin to discover your own sexuality.

Not having an orgasm can make sex complicated - know that this is not totally abnormal, and it IS solveable. It has everything to do with intimacy, trust, control issues, etc-all things you can take charge of and change in your life. Sexual satisfaction is all in your head - and you have more control over what goes up there than anything.

Sounds like you have a keeper - work on this one together, have lots of conversations about it. It can be solved!

    Bookmark   May 4, 2007 at 12:10PM
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Birth control pills can really destroy your libido. You could try other forms of birth control and see if that helps.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2007 at 1:48PM
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Many medications can cause this. Do you take medications other than birth control?

    Bookmark   May 4, 2007 at 4:18PM
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