Married 3 times....I think this one is failing too.

closetdivaMay 10, 2009

Hey all -

My first marriage was to my highschool sweetheart....i turned 18, got married and a few years later had a beautiful baby girl....while pregnant and at home post-natal.....my husband (whom I had been with 10years total) was doing his secretary. For appx 12 months before I conclusively realized this. Near ALL of my "friends" knew about this..... I felt like such an idiot. We divorced....he married the girl he was cheating on me with, cheated on her, they divorced...... i went on to date for a few years

Husband #2 - Seem to ride in like a white night......everything about him was perfect! I had a four year old daughter - he, a 7 year old son.....we could be the perfect family.....we married 4 months after meeting......I got pregnant and very sick at the same time (I have systemic lupus)...i was either in the hospital or quite medicated during the entire pregnance while he abused my little girl (emotionally)......make her sleep in the garage - told her to pee on her toybox....told her to tell my sweet angel that she hates me......it goes on...his 7 year old son seemed to have turned from a cherub into a smaller version of his sick father. All the while, I didn't know this was happening.... one day my ex dropped my daughter off after a weekend and told me to call him...I did and he told me what had been going on...my daughter finally told someone........I took my diaper bag.....my new baby son, my now 5 year old daughter, stroller - and said we were going for a "walk" we went 60 miles to my sisters home and never went back. Narcissistic man whom everyone thinks is wonderful.....very convincing....anyone....I proceeded to get extrememly sick from this......had to move to my parents home (vacant as they were living their retirement dream elsewhere)... I got sicker and sick and my rheumatologists told me I would continue to decline if I didn't live in a non-humid and warm environment. I spoke with parents, and ex (daughters dad - we'd managed to be "friends" sort of)....I planned to move from the Northwest to the desert southwest to try to regain health and some semblance of a normal life. My brother lived in the desert and offered us shelter until we were on our feet. My little boy was then 4 years old (his dad never saw him....deadbeat dad) and my daughter was 10 - her dad loved her and made sure that he paid me everymonth - extra if it was needed. My daughter stayed with her dad....he's a wonderful man and I couldn't take her from him with the understanding that we would schedule many many visits (she doesn't tolerate the heat well at all to this day!). I got to the desert.....immediately my health improved and within months was off most medications I had been taking. I found a wonderful job that I'm doing well at, then met a great guy who.....once we dated one time...woudn't leave me alone.

This is long I know, but, I dated this guy for a year and a half and we married......my daughter as my maid of honor (now 12) my son in tow and all of our family members all trekked to Hawaii. It was beautiful. That was 4 years ago. We had a great relationship.......wonderful sex life - 4-5 times per week....laughed with eachother....enjoyed our life together....

Now, Things are so different. As the years go by in the desert (now here for 6 years - married for four of them) My son is excelling in school - now 4th grade "student of the year 4 years in a row" - lovely polite outgoing boy... daughter is doing wonderfully with her dad who is a bad bad husband but great dad.

3rd hubs is kind of mean to my son......just snotty when he talks to him.......our sex life has LEFT. In the past 1.5 years, probably been together 8times...... No, I didn't get fat....i'm exactly the same.....he's put on 50 lbs and is just a couch potatoe. Now its mother's day, he ignored it basically. Our anniversary was a few days ago.....no gift..... i put together a gorgeous montage of the two of together for the past 6 years in in black and white photos framed really cool.... he did nothing......sex happend....not good..... we argue all the time......the sight of him sometimes turns my stomache....when i hear him speaking rudely to my wonderful child.....i hate him....... i don't know what to do.........it all seems so fake! When we got together....i was still on a lot of meds for Lupus....now I take nothing....and i feel like a different person not.... i hate thinking this....but i dated the first guy i met in the desert....then married him...... i think he wasn't the right one but what do i do? NOW, i'm doing nothing and trying to make the best of it...... stick up for my son even thought it makes hubs mad...... hate it when i see his car in the driveway...... don't know what to do.......

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asolo

Get single. Stop having babies. Look after your existing children...by which I mean don't date or get married again until they're grown and out. Then you can do whatever you want with whomever you want. Not now. Stop this cycle. Stop it. You have myriad issues that you don't have a handle on and aren't getting one. Maybe you'll figure them out or maybe you won't. Just stop dragging your kids through it with you. You're hurting them.

I suspect you have money issues you haven't spoken of because I can't think of any other reason you're staying where you are from what you've written.

Own your stuff and move on. Don't allow your future to be like your past. Don't do the same things again. Please.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 10:07PM
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thermometer

I won't be convinced he didn't begin mistreating your son until AFTER you got married after a whole 1.5 years. Maybe it wasn't so obvious, but there was plenty you ignored. Same with the guy before him. You ignore too much. Sure hope you take asolo's advice and make a decision in your son's interest. He is waiting for you to do that and wonders what is taking you so long. Why have you forced him to live with his stepfather's abuse? Go ahead, tell me "Oh, he's not abusive!" Yes he is.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 10:59PM
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closetdiva

Great. Thanks for the advice....both so original. This is why I don't typically post to sites such as these. I don't appreciate the rudeness or sarcasm.....I know what the issues are, thank you - I know what I have to do...some people are just so tacky. I'm taking care of things. If I could delete this message I would. I'll never post or lurk here again.....there are far more supportive and constructive sites out there.

I don't need anymore responses, thanks.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 2:03AM
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Karen_sl

Please tell us what you thought we would say?
You have hurt your children enough and its obvious its time to grow up and start thinking of them.
Life ain't perfect, just make better choices for you and your children.
Karen L

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 3:09AM
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asolo

"I don't appreciate the rudeness or sarcasm..."

Apparently you don't know what those are because there's none of either in the responses you received -- just straight talk in direct response to what you posted.

"I know what the issues are..."
"I'm taking care of things.."

Really? That's not what your post said. After describing your personal disaster you finished by saying "... don't know what to do."

Looks to me like your life is a mess and you're looking for a pat on the head to make you feel better. I have little doubt you'll go on doing exactly what you've been doing. That would be typical. And a pity.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 9:41AM
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sweeby

Oh, but surely the next man will be better.
Or if not him, the the guy after that.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 12:39PM
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thermometer

I wasn't rude, closetdiva, I'm just not into stroking. Since you came here to be stroked, why instead did you ask for advice? Why not just say, "I need someone to make me feel good because there's no man doing it at present." You said you don't know what to do, so we stated what we think you should do. I certainly couldn't suggest you stick around for things to get better because they won't and defintitely not for your son. You compromise his emotional and mental health every single day. Why don't you know what to do? Nor could I condone your wounded spirit because you are not a victim. You created this mess....again, maybe not the first time but each subsequent time. Since you cannot see the signs for sake of your own instant happiness, then I again ask that you do as asolo suggests. And that's not being rude. Stating the facts and suggesting wise decisions might not be what you want people to say to, but it's what you asked for and what you need. Hopefully you will listen, or you will go to those other sites for people to stroke your wounded spirit.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 2:32PM
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western_pa_luann

First post: "don't know what to do......."
Second post: "I know what I have to do"

So, which is it?

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 9:16PM
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amyfiddler

I just saved 50 cents in electricity charges. My yearly Dr. Laura fix has just been satisfied.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 11:36AM
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popi_gw

Isn't it 3 strikes and your "out" -

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 8:05PM
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silversword

*snicker* Amy, that's priceless.

Agree with Asolo. Sorry, blunt is best. Nothing really more to say. He's mean to your son. You have no sex life and you are not being treated well. Time to move on.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 12:29PM
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akangel76

This woman proably doesn't realize she is just as bad as her husband. To sit and watch your child be mistreated by someone and not leave them. That wins you mother of the year award!! Thats what 2 husbands that mistreated your kids for awhile??? It's sad a parents job is to protect their kids not let them be a punching bag even emotionally!!!

This post would be considered rude!!!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 1:37AM
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