please help!!! what would you do in this situation!! please help!

southernmel1stMay 28, 2006

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We also have a 5 year old little girl. About a month ago, I was sitting at my husband's computer fixing a problem. After I finished, I went onto his myspace page and was looking around. Without even thinking, I went into his sent messages in his mailbox. I saw there that he had written a short letter to one of my ex-best friends. (Little background into what kind of person this girl is. She has two children by two different men. Shes single and VERY sexually active. She has lived with us (out of my pure generosity) about 4 times. I have seen her sleep with married men multiple times. She also enjoys sleeping with two men at the same time. Last year alone, she had THREE ABORTIONS! By THREE different men! And in my opinion, she is not the prettiest thing in this world. She is also a TERRIBLE friend. Hence the reason why she is an EX best friend. And she got that title BEFORE my husband did what he did. )

Anyway, I went into his sent messages and saw that he had sent her a message. I was just curious, because I TOTALLU trusted him. I opened the sent item and saw that he had told her "That pic is sexy as HELL!" I was SHOCKED! So I backed out and looked at the next sent message to her on his list. This one said "Where did you go? Melanie has left work and will be home soon." After reading this, I KNEW that something was up. So I went into his yahoo messenger and tried to look at his archives. Of course, they were empty. All of this time, my new best friend was sitting beside me and my husband was obviously pacing hoping that I wouldn't find anything. Well, being the computer hacker I am, I downloaded a program that will decode those hidden yahoo archives so that I can see them. By this time, my husband saw what I was about to do. Right when I got this program up and running, he started to violently PULL all of the cables out of the back of his computer and proceeded to take the computer tower out of the door and throw it in the back of his truck. At this point, I am SCARED and CONFUSED. Not knowing what happened was about to kill me. Later that night after much much maddness, he told me that he had asked her to have sex with him. He also said that he told her that I was LAZY in bed and that I didn't do it for him anymore. He has tried to lie his way out of this situation. He even DESTROYED this computer, (EXCEPT FOR HIS HARD DRIVE, HEHEHE). After all of this, he told me that he never meant it and that he would never have done anything with her. My philosophy is that if you make your bed, you sleep in it. It is hard for me not to bring it up as I feel nasty, used, strung along and not loved. But he gets SOOOO mad at me when I feel hurt and want to talk about it. He says that he is tired of hearing about it. PLEASE HELP!!!! I NEED AS MUCH ADVICE AS I CAN GET!!! I'm soooooo tempted to leave and get a divorce. I understand that he didn't actually do it but since he destroyed the computer, I feel that I am not able to get closure until I find out if everything that he has told me is actually EVERYTHING. Please someone!!! I need advice!!! Should I uproot my family?! PLEASE HELP!!!

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carla35

What makes you think "that he didn't actually do it"?

    Bookmark   May 28, 2006 at 7:40PM
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southernmel1st

Well, he "said" that he didn't. But without that being able to see the conversation as it happened, It is really hard to trust him.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2006 at 7:48PM
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asolo

You don't want advice. You just want someone to tell you that you got it right and he is swine.

You got it right. He is swine.

Now, then. It's your life. And your 5-year-old's life. Is it fixable? If he's throwing "tired of hearing about it" in your face, probably not.

Nobody on a distant cyber-forum is there. Nobody knows anything other than what you wrote. If what you wrote is the whole story, I'd have been gone yesterday and he wouldn't know where.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2006 at 9:52PM
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petaloid

Okay, this is Sunday and the banks are closed until Tuesday. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I'd be at the bank first thing Tuesday morning to check on the money. (If you can check your accounts online or over the phone, please do that now) If you don't have a separate account in your name only, you need one.

I knew a lady whose husband told her, out of the blue, on a Sunday morning that he wanted a divorce and by Monday afternoon he was gone and so was all the money in their joint bank account. He went to another state with another woman she had known nothing about.

She had to sell the house (fortunately they had a house) for money to support their two small kids, then go to work and raise them herself.

Another thing is, if there is any chance there's been cheating, especially with the woman you describe, both of you need to go to the doctor right away and be tested for STDs.

I know it's really hard, but try not to say bad things about hubby to your child. Kids that age think the world revolves around them and so they think anything bad that happens is their fault. Try to reassure your little girl that any marriage problems are nothing to do with her, and that she is a good girl and loved by both of you.

I would imagine your husband is lying because he is afraid you might leave him. You may be able to resolve your differences over time -- I don't know. I wish you the best and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2006 at 10:44PM
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april_bloom

He's guilty as heck, that's why he ripped the cords out of the computer and trashed it. He's the one who needs to leave not you, your child has a home and deserves to stay there.

My ex cheated and gave me HPV, which then caused me to have cervical cancer. I had to have surgery to cure it, don't let this happen to you.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2006 at 8:40AM
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janengland

My advice? Southernmel is a troll....albeit an entertaining one.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2006 at 7:29PM
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lee676

So let's see, you snooped on your husband's computer ("without even thinking"), and found a short letter he wrote to an ex-friend of yours, whom you don't like in part because of her overactive sex life and in part because she doesn't look pretty enough (why else would "not being the prettiest thing in this world" be relevant?). You say you "totally trusted him", yet you continued to snoop in his sent email box even after "accidently" opening the first message. Then you downloaded a program that would hack into his Yahoo archives.

If there is lack of trust in your marriage, I'd have to say it goes both ways. So your hubby wrote a letter to someone you once thought enough of to be friends with. So he finds her good-looking. Are you so insecure in your relationship that you can't stand the thought that he might find other women attractive? I don't think you've told the whole story here, but I can't blame him for being upset at what you did. I certainly would be too if I found my wife installing software on my computer for surreptiously reading my private correspondence, even if I was completely innocent. (I don't understand what the point of trashing the computer but saving the hard drive is, though.)

That said, this isn't about you being lazy in bed or anywhere else. This is about a breakdown in trust, and lack of responsive listening. Something had to have led up to this.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2006 at 6:17AM
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lahtay

Does he want to stay in the marriage?
If so, marriage counceling is a must.
If he wants to stay, but refuses to seek help,
I don't think it's healthy for you to be with him.
In order to have true intimacy there has to be
trust.
I agree with the previous post about protecting your
daughter from knowing what's going on.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2006 at 1:46PM
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southernmel1st

This is a response to the post by lee676

Excuse Me!? You sound like a cheating husband to me. This IS the WHOLE story. At first, I wasn't snooping. But once I saw that he was having conversations with one of my friends, OF COURSE I AM GOING TO LOOK FURTHER INTO IT!!! I bought him the computer! Then fixed it up for him!! HE ALSO has access to my computer and information as well!!! I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to look into my archives!!! If I'm not doing anything wrong, then who cares!!! It should have been the same for him!! I TRUSTED him!!! With all of my heart!! Oh and by the way, if you have the hard drive, you have the information!! I had two different people telling me that they can extract the information that I need off of that Hard Drive!!! You need to think about what you say before you say it!!

( * Posted by lee676 (My Page) on
Sun, Jun 4, 06 at 6:17

So let's see, you snooped on your husband's computer ("without even thinking"), and found a short letter he wrote to an ex-friend of yours, whom you don't like in part because of her overactive sex life and in part because she doesn't look pretty enough (why else would "not being the prettiest thing in this world" be relevant?). You say you "totally trusted him", yet you continued to snoop in his sent email box even after "accidently" opening the first message. Then you downloaded a program that would hack into his Yahoo archives.

If there is lack of trust in your marriage, I'd have to say it goes both ways. So your hubby wrote a letter to someone you once thought enough of to be friends with. So he finds her good-looking. Are you so insecure in your relationship that you can't stand the thought that he might find other women attractive? I don't think you've told the whole story here, but I can't blame him for being upset at what you did. I certainly would be too if I found my wife installing software on my computer for surreptiously reading my private correspondence, even if I was completely innocent. (I don't understand what the point of trashing the computer but saving the hard drive is, though.)

That said, this isn't about you being lazy in bed or anywhere else. This is about a breakdown in trust, and lack of responsive listening. Something had to have led up to this.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2006 at 10:30AM
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sweeby

Since you have the hard drive and a portion of the whole sordid story (most? all?) -- you might as well have the data recovered and find out the whole truth. And also find out if what he admitted to afterward was the truth, or just more lies trying to minimize the damage. But this time, don't let him know what you're doing...

It also makes sense to protect yourself medically (get those tests) and financially now. Make photocopies of bank statements, credit cards, investment accounts, insurance documents -- the kinds of information you would need in the event of a hostile divorce. That may not happen - hopefully not - but you need to look out for your own interests in case things get really bad. A videotape or digital catalog of valuables in the home would also be a good idea. Just quietly store your little information packet somewhere off site in case you ever decide you need it.

My bet is that hubby thought not much further than "free sex with hot slut" and followed his little head wherever it led him. He knew his computer would tell on him, and that's why he frantically tried to destroy it. And his angry accusations toward you are just his way of trying to justify his actions and make himself feel less despicable. That he's still so angry means he's still wrestling with his own feelings (badly, I'll admit) and that he probably feels awful about it.

So he did betray your trust to some extent already, and was very possibly having an affair -- probably sex only, no real emotion. What do you want to do about it? How happy were you with him before? And was that happiness genuine? What is his character like otherwise? Knowing he's fallible, do you think you might be able to forgive him and re-build a happy marriage?

If you think your marriage is worth saving, going for counseling is a really good step. If you're both honest, he can work through his anger and guilt, you can work through your anger and betrayal, and maybe you both can rekindle the trust that was damaged and the spark that was allowed to dim.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2006 at 11:05AM
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bnicebkind

lee676...are you kidding lee 676???!!!???

southernmell...I would find closure in this by checking out the hard drive, and getting to the truth. On something as seriously damaging to as marriage and relationship as this is, you need to base your decisions on the truth...as best you can. The decisions you need to make will affect your little girl, and your relationship for years to come, so base it on the truth. otherwise, your imagination may imagine it worse than it was, or you may indeed find out that it was much worse than you expected...and then you can make decisions based on "what you know".

This is a blow at so many levels...and hurts!

Start with finding the truth, and quietly thinking this through carefully. Spend the time to work through this in your head and your heart. It is a betrayal, whether he actually followed through or not, and your emotions are as they should be.

I am sorry for the anguish you must be going through, because with children...it is now bigger than just you two.

I always find it interesting that the person responsible for the pain and mess, get angry at the victim of their actions. I just do not get it.

    Bookmark   September 13, 2006 at 12:28PM
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msjay

janengland--I agree with you.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2006 at 10:46AM
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bnicebkind

msjay...what makes you think so? It reminds me of the Jerry Springer show.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2006 at 7:37PM
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msjay

bnicebkind--it reminds me of the "porn is evil" post. I didn't believe that one was true either. Just too much of a "story" in my opinion.

    Bookmark   September 14, 2006 at 10:30PM
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bnicebkind

How is it going southernmell?

    Bookmark   September 24, 2006 at 5:15PM
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marge727

I do wonder about something. If I had a sexy girlfriend who was the kind of slut you say she is--why would you let her even near your husband, let alone live with you?
Her story about enjoying sleeping with two guys is the kind of thing thats intriguing to most men, and its meant to be. So I can't understand why you were so surprised they got involved with each other--you provided the opportunity for them to meet and even have breakfast coffee together.
You don't notice guys inviting their good looking single friends to live with them and their wife for a while. If they did, I would bet most wives would be wearing lipstick at breakfast.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2006 at 3:04AM
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labmomma

How old is your husband? Why does he have a "My Space" page? My 16 year old daughter has one. That he has one as an adult makes me wonder about his intentions. There must be more to this. In order for someone to talk to you on My Space they have to actually be invited to do so. Does your husband post pictures and have a personal profile page. This is really giving me the creeps. My Space is a place to meet people. I just assumed it was a teen thing, but thank you for enlightening me. That's what the advertisement says and apparently, that's what your husband is into. I feel so badly for you. Don't make excuses for his bizarre behavior. He's trolling for women, pure and simple.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2006 at 3:22PM
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