Opinions please, Husband has gone overboard
I am new to the forum,but could really use new perspective, with my issue. (bear with me for lengthy explaination)
My husband has had some significant changes in his behavior in the past 16 months. He changed jobs due to an unfavorable climate at his old job (one that he really enjoyed),a state job that changed administrators. Jobs in our area are limited in his high tech field, so he returned to a place he had been before, but was not really happy at. I suggested going to see his doctor, or a therapist, or just a pastor or friend to talk to. He has replied that "He knows what is wrong and wants to work it out himself" About this same time as the job change(Feb)my son started a friendship with a girl. My husband took an interest in their relationship. getting free movie tickets, encouraging our son how to act, things to say,buying little presents.
By April we decided to take a trip to NYC(a few hours from our home)for a college tour. Suddenly, our daughter was not included on the trip and our son's new "friend" was coming along. This seemed to be the first time I noticed how interested my husband was becoming with the "friend". He watched them in the rearview mirror most of the way home that day and was texting advice to our son in the back seat(while driving). He actually yelled at me at the rest stop that day, when I unintentionally left the friend in the bathroom alone.
From there, my husband would frequently talk about the girl. When the kids would come home from the movies my husband would watch from the window, setting up the curtains in advance so that he would not be observed. Our son was 16 at this time and did not have his license, so friend who is 2 years older would drive.
My husband became friends with girl's parents and noting that she did not have an escort to her Senior Prom, we encouraged our son, how nice it would be to offer to escort her (even as a friend). May arrives, and son through MANY private discussions with husband decides that he likes girl more than a friend.
From there, we have her Prom, Graduation,etc. Expensive gifts are being purchased at this point, dinners and special outings. Money has become no object and we are paying for these things. End of June, I find out that the girlfriend is accompanying us on vacation (I wasn't asked).
In the meantime, our daughter has been having depression issues of her own and notices the amount of attn husband has paid to other girl. Just feels worse about herself. By July, son is camping almost every weekend with girl's family and they became intimate. By summer's end son is spending every weekend over night with her, and even though I express to husband that I don't think this should be happening, he does nothing. In fact tells me that he will not alienate his son over sex. Labor Day weekend son accompanies girl where she starts college. He stays there for 5 days with my husband's (and her parents) blessing. Husband ignores my disapproval of 16 year old going 4 hours away to spend every weekend with his girlfriend at college (hotel room paid by husband). Sadly, girlfriend has emotional issues and did not ajust to college, threatened self harm by third week of college. All Semester son and girlfriend spend every weekend together, mostly son would go to her, some she would ride train home to visit. Husband didn't see the sense in having son come home at night when they were in town. After all, girl was only around for 48 hours.
Yes, readers you get the picture at this point I am angry and a bit resentful of situation. Add LOTS of bickering, a husband who is unable to say he loves me (in return for an "I love you"),forbids me from speaking to my son about the situation and by Thanksgiving they were openly sleeping together at our house. I strongly objected, and my husband's compromise was to have my son sleep on the floor while my husband slept beside him on the couch until around 5 am when son was permitted to go sleep with girlfriend. (Does this make sense to any of you??) I watched while girlfriend received over $500 in gifts for Christmas, Broadway tickets for Valentines. My husband also regularly logs into my son's facebook account (as son), logs into girlfriend's facebook account (as girlfriend), checks son's email and has viewed the nude pictures girlfriend recently sent. (He doesn't know that I know he has seen them)
In January I went to visit out of state family, needed to get away. When I came back and suggested counseling, husband refused and issued ultimatum, saying I need to take back all the bad I had said about him, or he was done with me. The next day I told him I would start looking for a new place to live. His response was to say that he didn't want son's senior year to be ruined because of our problems, couldn't I wait til he graduated. He has said many nasty things from time to time (apologizes after, but they still hurt). He tells me that I am being ridiculous, and that we are arguing over one issue. It is ridiculous, but WAY more than just one issue. So even though husband has agreed to counseling (so that an impartial person will tell me how ridiculous I am), after almost 23 years of marriage I am ready to leave. I feel guilty that husband is still unhappy in job he states he works only to support his ungrateful family. I feel guilty that I don't want to be with him anymore. He continues to hold position that he will not be alienated from son over sex issue. Advice, opinions please....